by SC Daiko
Jesus, let him keep that innocence.
Let his mother live.
Let us be a family.
“Where’s Mama?” he asks as I put him down.
“Mama isn’t feeling well. She’s resting in the hospital, but she sends you her love,” I lie blatantly. “We want you to stay here at Granny’s for a few days.” I give him a hug. “I have to go now, but I’ll come and see you tomorrow. Okay?”
I’ll protect you, Leo, I say to myself. I’ll always protect you. I’ve let you down, but I’ll never do it again.
Leo’s attention is already distracted by his wooden train. I bend to kiss him on the cheek.
Claire, his nanny, accompanies me to the front door. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” she asks.
Claire trained at Norland’s, the exclusive nanny training school, and is the epitome of discretion. She’s in her mid-twenties, a mousey-looking girl who’s great at her job. I owe her an explanation, but now is not the right time. “I’ll fill you in later, alright? Victoria is in intensive care. I need to be with her.”
Claire’s eyes ask the question she doesn’t voice. I rub the back of my neck. How the fuck do I know if my wife will pull through or not? Fear is making my hands feel clammy and my shoulders are tight. There’s a searing pain in my chest.
What if Victoria has died without me being there to hold her hand?
Fuck, I’ve got to get back to the hospital.
Tom is waiting outside with the armed policeman guarding Diana’s door. I’d parked my Audi out front. “Please hurry,” I say, climbing into the driver’s seat.
I sit in the uncomfortable hospital chair, watching my wife’s chest rise and fall, rise and fall. She’s holding her own, the intensive care nurse said after I’d got back here and relieved Diana. But the nurse also reminded me that the next twenty-four hours would be critical.
I lean forward and place my head in my hands; it’s become my default mode. So much has changed in such a short time. I should be used to that, I suppose. I mean, only six months ago I lost my parents when their car skidded off a bridge into a ravine. Shortly afterwards, my brother Gleb returned to Russia… the homeland we’d left when he was eleven and I was nine years-old. Those changes led me to take the actions which have placed my wife and son in danger. If only I could turn back the clock, I wouldn’t have been so reckless…
Last night, Victoria gave me ‘the look’, her signal that she wanted sex. Sex is the glue that holds us together. I’d like to say it’s our son, but Victoria has never been a natural mother. She’d rather go shopping than play with Leo, I think. Thankfully, Claire has filled the gap. Victoria loves Leo, I know she does; she just doesn’t handle motherhood well. It’s my firm belief she’ll come into her own when he’s older… when he’s into clothes, music, the latest technological gadgets, and so on.
It was Victoria who suggested we should try for another baby; I’d never have forced it on her. She knows how much I love fatherhood. Tears roll from my eyes as I think about what’s happened. Did she come home unexpectedly today to tell me she was pregnant? I reach across and hold her hand.
Sex between us has always been rough. Victoria likes me to dominate her, and I love that. Toys make a regular appearance in our lovemaking sessions. My cock throbs as I think about them, despite my fear for her life. Last night I blindfolded her, gagged her, and then I tied her spread-eagled to the four bedposts. I collared her, fastened the clamps to her nipples and drove her mad with a vibrator against her clit before plunging it into her. Watching her face as she came gave me such pleasure. I held her close after removing the toys, soothing her as she came down from her endorphin high. Our subsequent lovemaking was slow and sensual as we took each other to the brink, our mutual release an explosion of breath-taking ecstasy.
Without warning, Victoria’s hand jerks out of mine. Fuck! Her whole body has started to convulse. Shit, she’s fitting. The machine monitoring her emits a loud beeping sound. Within seconds the crash team has arrived, and I’m being hustled out of the room.
I wait in the corridor, and I know, I just know without being told, that this nightmare is about to get a million times worse.
Chapter Three
Catrin
Becca chews a piece of toast covered in butter and honey. She swallows, licks her fingers, and reaches for her glass of milk. “Mum, will Daddy be watching me from Heaven today?”
I’ve tried to keep Josh’s memory alive for her; we talk about him all the time. “Of course, sweetie. It’s your first day at school.”
For a long time after he passed, Becca kept asking me where he’d gone; I ended up giving her the simplest explanation I could think of. I’m not religious in the sense that I don’t follow any specific belief, but I’m open to the idea of there being another dimension… of there being something we’ll only understand when we pass over to the other side.
Josh would be so proud of Becca, and I’m going to miss his presence even more than usual today. I take a deep breath and reach for a cloth, giving it to her to wipe the crumbs from her mouth. “We’d best get going, poppet. We don’t want to be late.”
She clambers down off her chair, and Toby immediately falls into step beside her. I hand Becca her school bag… I’d put her lunchbox inside earlier, nestling it next to her brand-new pencil case.
I take a step back and look at her. The blue blouse of her school uniform brings out the sapphire tones in her eyes. She’s dressed in a grey pleated skirt, and I’ve tied her long ginger hair back in pigtails. “Just a sec.” I reach for my phone. “Let me take a picture.”
She poses for a couple of shots, grinning and blowing kisses. “Can you send them to my Nannas in Wales?”
I slip the phone back into the pocket of my jeans. “As soon as I get home.” I think about the day stretching ahead. Work first… there’s a web development project I’m involved in with one of my clients... and then maybe I’ll take Toby for a short walk before picking Becca up from school.
Keep busy, Cat. Don’t even think about having any wine at lunchtime.
Outside, Becca runs to my old Ford Focus and pulls open the door. She clips in her seatbelt, staring out of the window as I open the back for Toby. “Oh, look, there’s Ben,” she points to next door’s driveway. Clearly Daniel is about to set off with his son. If he weren’t such a brute, I’d offer to share the school run with him. We’ve been here a week already; Ben has come over to play with Toby and watch The Lion King with Becca, Olivia and Jack a couple of times. He’s even been invited with her to a play date at Aldridge House to meet Gabe and Luke’s oldest son, Matt. There have been no return invitations, though, and Daniel has maintained his habitual reclusive behaviour; he’s barely acknowledged my existence.
Well, two can play at the same game; I’ll give him the cold shoulder if I bump into him at the school... he can stick his attitude up his ass.
Becca waves at Ben as we set off. “He used to be called Leo,” she announces out of the blue. “It’s a secret. You mustn’t tell anyone. Not even Olivia knows.”
“Alright. I won’t.” I square my shoulders and turn the ignition key, frowning. A childish game, no doubt. I mean, why would he be called Ben if his real name is Leo?
Soon we arrive at a red brick building, set back from the road with an asphalt yard in front. I find a space to park, hook a lead onto Toby’s collar, and off we set. Becca loved the kindergarten she attended in Manchester and has been counting the days until she could start what she refers to as ‘proper school.’
I notice Daniel kneeling next to Ben by the school’s entrance gates, whispering something to him. A shiver runs over my skin. I keep my head high and start to walk past, but Becca tugs at my hand and pulls me toward them, a smile curling her lips. “Hi, Ben.”
Daniel glances up at me, his mouth compressed into a hard line. I catch a look of such pain in his desolate-looking eyes that my heart gives a lurch.
I return home from seeing Becca into her cl
assroom, after meeting Eleri, Gabe and Luke on the way out and declining an invitation to coffee because I needed to get on with some work.
Toby lies by my feet as I slave at my desk in the spare bedroom I’ve turned into an office. It overlooks a field filled with grazing sheep; their constant baaing a reminder I’m no longer in Manchester… where the roar of traffic played the soundtrack to my life.
By lunchtime, I’ve sent my client initial design proposals and logged off my computer. Toby trots down to the kitchen with me, drooling while I munch on a sandwich and sip from a mug of milky tea.
Wine would have gone down better, but I’m sticking to my resolution.
My phone buzzes; there’s a message from Josh’s mum, thanking me for the photo of Becca I’d sent earlier. She wants more pictures and wonders when we’re planning on visiting Wales next. Josh’s parents’ grief at losing their only son hasn’t abated, and no wonder. Becca is their sole consolation, and I try to share her with them as much as possible. I quickly respond we’ll visit as soon as possible.
Toby whines next to me, his pleading eyes sending the I wanna go for a walk message. “Okay, boy,” I tell him, unhooking his lead from behind the kitchen door. “Let’s do some exploring.”
My cottage backs onto woodland, and there’s a path leading through it. Birdsong and the scent of blackberries fills the air. I let Toby off his leash and he immediately starts foraging for anything edible… wild fruit being his favourite snack.
I leave him to it and stride on ahead, knowing he’ll catch up in good time. Soon I come to a glade where the trees have been thinned out. Oh shit, standing in the middle of the clearing is Daniel. He’s bare-chested and dressed in running shorts, doing stretching exercises braced against a fallen tree trunk.
I slow my footsteps, treading quietly on mouldy old leaves, and rake my gaze over him. His thick almost-black hair is dripping sweat; it falls down his face and the back of his solid neck. His beard is unkept and wild-looking. But it’s his powerful body that mesmerises me and I study the tats on his muscular arms, tempted to get closer for a better look. God, he’s beautiful, I suddenly realise. Beautiful but freaking scary at the same time.
I release a slow breath. Stop it, Cat. You shouldn’t be looking at him that way. The man in front of you is a brute. You need to keep your distance from him.
Slowly, my heart pounding against my ribcage, I turn around and prepare to make my way back down the path. Except, Toby comes bounding up and starts to bark.
Dammit!
Daniel freezes on the spot. His eyes crash into mine, and if I was scared before now I’m practically peeing myself. He straightens himself to his full height, still glaring at me, not saying a word.
Toby keeps barking, but he’s also wagging his tail. I grab hold of his collar and fasten the lead. “Sorry to disturb you.” I bite at my lips. “We’ll get out of your way.”
He arches an eyebrow. “So, you weren’t following me?”
“Oh, God, no. We were just going for a walk.”
I’m still staring at his tats, trying to decipher the intricate patterns. He catches my gaze, and I feel my face burning up.
“Get on with your walk, then,” he says through gritted teeth. “Leave me alone.”
My fingernails dig into the palms of my hands. “No need to be bad-mannered.”
He crosses his arms in front of his broad chest and lets out an edgy laugh.
“You are a prick,” I spin around, “the rudest man I’ve ever met.”
He laughs again and keeps laughing mockingly as I stride off down the pathway, Toby at my heel.
I seethe all the way home and carry on seething as I drive to the school. If I see Daniel there, I’ll give him a piece of my mind. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with him? We’re neighbours, for God’s sake. He should at least be courteous toward me.
My anger disappears as soon as I see Becca. She runs up to me, her face lit with smiles. “Look, Mum.” In her hand is a book. “I can practise reading this.”
“That’s brilliant, poppet.” I bend down and give her a quick hug. “I’m so proud of you.”
She tugs at my jeans. “Can Ben come for tea when we get home?”
“Maybe not today, sweetie. You’ll both be tired.”
“I’m not.” She shakes her head. “We had rest time after lunch.”
From the corner of my eye, I spot Daniel walking Ben to his car, deep in conversation with him. He opens the car door, and his son gets inside. But instead of setting off straight away, Daniel marches up to me.
I square up to my full five feet four inches and brace myself for another onslaught of rudeness.
“I want to apologise, Catrin.” His arms hang at his sides. “I overreacted when you came across me in the woods.”
I nod. “I’m sorry too.” I lower my voice to a whisper. “I mean, for calling you a prick. Even if you are one.”
He confines hIs laugh to a snort. “Point taken.” A pause. “Ben would like Becca to come over to our place for tea.” He shoots me a quick look.
“I’m sure she’d love to.”
He glances at his watch. “Send her over at four o’clock, and I’ll bring her back to you at around six.”
I thank him and watch him stride back to his Range Rover.
No invitation for me, then.
Of course not.
My throat tightens as I drive home. Better that our kids should be friends, but not us. I might be ready for friendship with a man, but not with an arrogant, moody prick like Daniel Collins.
There’s a bottle of wine waiting for me in the fridge and I lick my lips. I’ll have a glass with my supper, just the one. I was a good girl at lunchtime; I deserve a treat now.
I think about Daniel’s desolate eyes, about the pain reflected in them, and I take in a breath. I’ve judged him on appearances, not for who he is… which is unlike me. I should find out the reason for his standoffishness before I judge him any further.
No, Cat.
Not a good idea.
Don’t put yourself in a position where you might get hurt.
Chapter Four
Daniel
Three Years Ago
It’s been twelve hours since they attempted to revive Victoria, twelve hours of sheer fucking hell. Her brain has shut down and she’s being kept alive by machines.
Shoulders slumped, I lean forward in the hospital chair, holding her cold, lifeless hand. I feel empty inside. Empty and numb. My breath hitches, and my throat burns with unshed tears.
Her mother has just bid her a tearful farewell, all the while shooting me reproachful looks. Diana is right to blame me for this train wreck; Victoria is an innocent bystander to the fucking mess I made of things.
I’ll never forgive myself.
Ever.
I brush my thumb across the back of her hand, then bend to kiss her soft lips. How can this be Victoria lying here so lifeless? She was always incredibly alive. Vibrant. The life and soul of every party we went to. It’s what drew me to her when we first met. I’m an introvert. Always have been. A man of few words, I suppose you could say…
I remember the first time I saw her. It was at a charity ball to raise money for the Children’s Hospital. We were both in relationships with other people at the time. I’m not a cheater; my girlfriend, Emily, and I had already agreed to a split.
Emily didn’t enjoy the fact that I’m not into vanilla sex that much. We hadn’t even moved in together and our break up was a mutual decision. She was about to leave the UK anyway; her job as a fashion designer was taking her to New York. Emily had only agreed to come to the charity event with me because I needed a ‘plus one’.
I know it’s a cliché to say you’d caught someone’s eye across a crowded room, except that’s exactly what happened between Victoria and me. She was surrounded by a group of friends, her arm looped through her then boyfriend’s. I leaned against a column at the side of the ballroom, excitement stirring in my loins as I stared at
her tall slim body, heart-shaped face and long dark blonde hair. She glanced toward me, and our eyes met. I saw something flicker in her expression... a response that made my heart pound.
All I had to do was wait.
It didn’t take long.
Victoria found me sitting at the bar, alone... Emily had already taken a taxi to her apartment in Notting Hill.
“Hello,” Victoria introduced herself, holding out her hand. “I know who you are.”
I laughed, and she told me she’d seen my picture on Facebook, posted by a mutual friend. Her boyfriend arrived to claim her, but not before Victoria and I had exchanged phone numbers. She ditched him within a week, and the following month moved in with me. Everything between us was perfect.
My brother called her a gold-digger, but that isn’t the case. Victoria gives the impression of being a party girl, what’s known as a ‘Sloanie’ because she grew up in the preppy culture of London near Sloane Square. Gleb and I grew up in it too. When we arrived here from Moscow, our father sent us to private schools and we lacked for nothing.
I stare past Victoria at the ventilator. My heart is weeping; I know that my wife has already passed. She signed an organ donation card a while ago, which is why her body is being kept alive. They’re about to harvest her heart and everything else that can be reused. Part of me is glad of that, in some way she’ll live on, but there’s a sour taste in my mouth at the same time. She shouldn’t be lying here about to be cut open. She should be at home with me and Leo. A lone tear rolls down my cheek, and I brush it away with the back of my hand.
“It’s time for me to say goodbye, sweetheart.” More tears furrow my cheeks as I squeeze her fingers. “I love you. I’ll always love you, my darling. There’ll never be anyone else for me.” I breathe through my agony; I’m being torn apart. “Take care of the baby you were carrying, my love.” I bend and kiss her motionless lips. “I’ll look after Leo. I’ll never let anything bad happen to him, I promise.”