Upstate

by Kalisha Buckhanon

  Natasha

  June 17, 1990

  Dear Ms. Harris:

  First of all, I want to start out by apologizing for what I did in your office. I’m real sorry about that and it won’t happen again if you decide to see me again. I know you just trying to help us and I really appreciate you trying to help us. I’m sure you could be anywhere in the world you want to be because you seem like a nice person with a lot of education. So the fact that you come here and see us is a good thing and we should appreciate it and not waste your time like you said. But my girl kinda helped me realize why I did what I did and some of the stuff that I’m feeling. I think I was kind of feeling sorry for myself about being in here and what’s happened to me. I think I was mad because it happened and I wanted somebody else to take the rap. The truth is, and I wish I would’ve said this when I had the chance and when it mattered. But the truth is, I am really sorry for what I did and I wish I would not have been so mad and not thinking straight that day. The other truth, Dream, I mean Ms. Harris, is that I really miss my daddy. You know what I did because I know you have my file because I snatched it out of your hands. But I miss my father and I am so so so so sorry for what happened. He did things that were really bad to me and my brothers and my mother, but he really wasn’t that bad to get what he got, or what I gave him because now I’m accepting the blame. But what I wish I would have done was just leave the house and take my family with me and leave my father alive so he could grow up and change. Then in the future we all could have came together and had our differences settled because we would be grown and he wouldn’t have that same power over us that he had before. That’s what I wish. But we did some things together like he taught me how to ride a bike and we used to stay up late at night and watch TV sometimes and he would cook stuff like steak and eggs or popcorn in the skillet and we would watch stuff like Columbo and Kojak real late and he would ask me sometimes about school or about the honey who he was seeing come around the house. That’s the daddy I try to remember and that I cry about when I know nobody is listening or watching. So that’s where I’m coming from. I think you’re right and my girl right. I do need my GED and I want to meet with you to talk about how we can do that. I’m gonna give this note to somebody to give to you because I don’t trust the guards to do shit for me. I hope you get it and put my name on the list for an appointment with you. Once again, I’m sorry. Please accept my apology.

  Sincerely,

  Michael Antonio Lawrence II

  PS. My number is 007624 in case you forgot Natasha, now you happy? Write back.

  PSS. Happy birthday. The last thing I want to be is locked up in here on your birthday. I dreamed I bought you something nice, a diamond tennis bracelet or something. Then we went on a cruise somewhere nice and laid up on the beach all day. That’s what you deserve for your birthday. That’s what I wish I could have gave you.

  June 21, 1990

  Antonio,

  Thank you for the birthday wish. Me and Mommy and Laneice and Drew and Grandma went to Red Lobster in the Bronx. I love Red Lobster. They got the best biscuits. Mommy had told me I could pick a lobster which was crazy cause she ain’t never said that cause lobster is mad expensive. But she was like, “Go ahead, it’s your birthday.” So I was gonna go ahead and do it, but when I saw them climbing all around on top of each other, smashed together in that tiny tank, those rubber bands on their hands like handcuffs, for some reason I don’t know why I just thought about you and I couldn’t pick one. I had fried jumbo shrimp instead. Laneice got me this real nice stationery set and some perfume, and Mommy and Grandma got me a gold locket with my daddy picture inside. I swear I’m gonna wear it all the time and never take it off.

  Okay, you right, that’s a really good letter and I hope she put your name on the list for that appointment. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. I think she will. One thing about us black women is we forgive our men too much for the shit you do. Least that’s what my mother say all the time. So you miss your daddy, baby? How come you never told me that? So see now, that’s another sign we was meant to be together cause it means we have something in common. We both miss our daddies. It’s kind of really sad if you think about it, that our kids won’t have no real grandfathers, only grandmothers. That make me think about this article I read in Essence and I tried to translate into French for that program I’m in. Basically, the article talked about how it was a black male crisis in our community because of prisons and early average death age for black men and stuff. They was talking about how black men are going to prison more than college. This woman named Angela Davis who used to be a Black Panther was interviewed for the article. Remember I told you about her and how my mother said the popo’s had busted into her apartment when she was little because her big sister Ruth was tall and skinny and lightskinned with a big Afro? Well, the FBI was looking for this woman Angela Davis and somebody had gave an anonymous tip that Angela Davis was living in that apartment. Well, looking at this picture this woman don’t look nothing like Aunt Ruth but guess from a distance she could.

  Hey, Laneice and Black been kickin it real tight lately. They be together all the time and all she talk about is Black Black Black Black. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about Black I don’t know what to do. “Black bought me some sneaks, Black took me to KFC, Black took me to the new scary movie, Black Black Black Black.” She think he love her, but it seem to me that all he want to use her for is sex. Every time I look up they bumpin and grindin or getting ready to—in the movie theater, in the stairway at school. I mean, she was giving him head in the middle of that new Jason movie at the 14th Street theater. And this chick with a big old Afro and these thick glasses had went and told the usher and we got kicked out. It was just the matinee so it was only five dollars, but still. I told my grandmother about it cause I went up to her place when we got out cause I DID NOT feel like hanging with them no more. My grandmother said, “That’s nasty and disgusting and I hope you’re not out there behaving like a heathen.” I told her, “No, Nana, I’m not.” She still think I’m a virgin. I feel like one now that you ain’t around. That’s why I don’t want to hear Laneice personal bizness all the time. I don’t even want to go nowhere with her no more cause we somehow always end up at Black spot or with Black. And the other night she musta lied to her mother and said she was spending the night at my house and didn’t tell me nothing, cause Mr. Clark called over here for her. That bitch is lucky I answered the phone and was able to lie and tell him that she was in the shower. Then the first place I called was Black house cause I knew that’s probably where she was, and sure enough that’s where she was cause his mother had went down to Virginia to see her sister. I told her, “Bitch don’t be using me for no cover and then not telling me.” That’s a lotta nerve. She told me she was sorry and I guess she called her father or whatever. But anyway I told her she better be careful if she don’t want to get pregnant. She had basically let it slip that sometimes they don’t even be using nothing and he just pull it out. I told her she was stupid. Now me and you ain’t never did that. We was always safe and I told her that she had to be if she wanted to go to college and be somebody.

  But honestly Antonio, when she be talking about her and Black being together, and one time when I was at her house and her parents wasn’t there and he came over and they did it and I heard them doing it, I thought about us and I just had to play with myself down there. I know it’s wrong and it’s not like the real thing, but I just had to cause I thought I was gonna bust into a thousand little pieces if I didn’t. Antonio, I wish it was some way I could see you. I miss you baby. Do you miss me? Don’t you think about me and being with me? It’s been now about six months since we did something, remember we did it at your house that one night when we came back from the movies and your mother was sleep in her room and your father was out and we did it on the couch real slow and quiet for a long time so the couch wouldn’t squeak? You was real good that night. I had got in trouble for coming home late,
but I didn’t care cause you made me feel so good. Well, I need you to make me feel good again, but the only problem is I’m here and you there and we can’t be together until you get parole so I’m gonna have to just wait and be a virgin all over again.

  Laneice said that if you and me both kind of think about each other at the same time, like say around midnight or whatever, and if we both touch ourselves in that way we both like at the same time, then that’s just the same as doing it. So, why don’t we do that on Thursday? We’ll do that together and it’ll be just like we making love.

  Love always, your one and only,

  Natasha

  June 24, 1990

  Natasha,

  Yeah baby girl I thought about you real hard last night. I thought about your pretty caramel skin and them nice juicy lips always taste so sweet and that big phat ass you got and your little titties that so nice and tight and I thought about you not just at midnight like you said but all night. I especially thought about them times when we was alone like at my uncle house when he had went to Mexico with his girlfriend and he left me the keys cause he said he know sometimes a man wanna be alone with his woman. I thought about how we got to take off all our clothes those times and how we was able to make as much noise as we wanted and how I was able to do it to you over and over again real hard and make you scream my name real loud til you couldn’t scream no more and you just started whispering it cause we was so sweaty and tired. That was the best time we did it and I thought about it all night. I came like twice thinking about you. Did you come thinking about me? I hope you did over and over again until you wanted to scream my name but you just had to whisper it cause people was in the house. You know, Benito and Mohammed came back. First they was on different blocks cause of the fight and everything, but then they couldn’t get along with the new mates so they just shook hands and came right back to where they were. But I wish I woulda had the whole place to myself cause I didn’t like jacking off like Benito, but I had to do what I had to do for real. I was telling Mohammed about you and he said that we could get married if we wanted to. Then, maybe next year or whatever depending on my behavior, you could come visit me for like two days or whatever and we could be alone. They give you a trailer and all you gotta do is come out and show your face every two hours. I think there’s a camera or something to make sure we ain’t doing nothing illegal but baby don’t worry I can make you forget all about a camera. Try to come this weekend with my mother. Try to come up here so I can see you. I need to see you so bad. I miss you baby.

  Love,

  Antonio

  July 3, 1990

  Antonio,

  Thank you so much for my ring!!!! It’s so pretty and shiny and bright and when I flick it under the fluorescent lights in the auditorium at City College I can see a million colors! Thank you thank you thank you baby! The whole way up there on the bus to see you Mrs. Lawrence kept on looking at my hands and picking them up talking about “Girl, you got big hands. You got man hands.” Now that I look back she had that ring in her purse to give me and she was nervous it wasn’t gonna fit. Then Tyler kinda let it slip cause he said something like “It’s too big, Ma” and then she popped him the mouth and he didn’t do shit but stare out the window until we got there. I wish you coulda been on one knee to give it to me and I could have kissed you like I was supposed to, but it’s kind of impossible to do that between all that glass, I understand. But it was still nice. I told my mother all about it, and she just kind of looked at me and shook her head and said, “Oh my God.” I don’t care if she ain’t happy about it. It’s my decision and I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do. I think she just jealous cause I got a diamond that stick out big and far on my finger, and all she got is a little tiny glass chip in her ring from Roy.

  Don’t think I ain’t been showing everybody. It was a big b-ball game on Sunday at Rucker and it was a lot of people there from my old crew. They all was looking at me all jealous like, talking bout “She think she the shit cause she got a piece of ice on her finger.” They said that shit under they breath cause they knew better than to say it out loud. Specially since I was sitting with Laneice and Black, and Black’s cousin Demonte who just got out the joint and don’t care nothing bout cutting nobody throat. He had on his skully, smoking a Black and Mild and looking all scary with that big razor scar down his cheek coming down to his chin. They looked over at us and just kept on whispering cause they know what’s good for em. I just ignored them females cause I’m above all that, Antonio. These bitches still on some childish he-say she-say I gotta get my hair and nails done shit. I’m moving on from that and growing up. That’s why I like Tamika and Valencia so much, because they both got goals and trying to do something with they life that’s beyond the everyday shit people tell us we can do. I gotta keep on studying hard and doing my thing so I can get picked to go to France, and saving up all the money I make at Macy’s so I can get my own place when I get ready to go to college.

  I been saving all my money. I ask Mommy if she need anything and she always say no, so I just go and buy groceries and toilet paper and hair stuff cause she won’t take my money. I’m taking Drew school shopping at the end of the summer so he won’t be going to school looking all raggedy. I got the clothes, it’s on Grandma to keep his hair cut. Other than that, I ain’t wasting my money on no juvenile shit like hair and nails and fake Gucci purses and niggaz who ain’t doing shit for me. But you love me, Antonio, and I know you gonna take care of me when you get the chance. I’m gonna send you some money so you can get snacks and other stuff you wanna buy with your money. You can save it or do whatever you want with it. I don’t care. I just want you to know I got your back cause I know when the time come you gonna have mine.

  Love,

  Natasha

  July 10, 1990

  Natasha,

  Thank you for the package of stuff you sent me. I needed all of it so much—the toothbrushes, the socks, underwear. I liked the body soap and loofah sponge even though it was girlie. You remembered my Cheetos and Doritos too, didn’t you? I had to sit there and wait for them to open every single thing and search it for contraband. They dumped all the shampoo and body wash and chips and put it in these plastic bags. I wanted to go loco cause they didn’t have a right to open shit I didn’t even want to open yet, but I just held my tongue cause I don’t want to jeopardize my right to get a package next quarter. Contraband gets in and that’s all there is to it. They can’t stop that shit. I seen more drugs in here than I seen in my whole life on the outside. Weed, crank, speed, crack—all that shit somebody done tried to push on me, in the yard mostly cause everybody out in the open and guards ain’t right up on you. But me and my cellmates ain’t interested in that shit. Mohammed too righteous for it and Benito’s only drug is pussy. I just don’t wanna go out like that. Dogs come search our cells all the time—in the middle of the night, while your wing is out in the yard. The point is to catch us off guard. And they find shit too. They found five bags of heroin inside a radio of this cat on our wing last time, plus bout five Gs he had saved up from dealing. Mohammed claim the real people they need to be searching is the guards and the rest of the staff. He got a point. As much shit as I know is coming through here, dealers inside gotta be getting some help.

  Don’t get offended and don’t take this the wrong way but I’m sending your money back because I’m a man and I can’t take no money from my woman. Even Mohammed was like, That’s not cool son. Black women got it hard enough without trying to take care of us. And he right. Mohammed kinda weird and a little nerdy but he can kick some knowledge when he want to. I just don’t want my woman sending me money that’s all. So I’m gonna send it back. Pretty soon, I’m gonna be eligible to get a job here, maybe in the kitchen or the library or the laundry. In a few years, I might even move up to Wall Street—that’s what cats call the woodworking factory cause you get to make shit. You get to use your hands and tools and creativity on some level to make all these little wooden parts tha
t they ship out to factories across the country. But that’s for the old timers and the nonviolent cats. But it’s exceptions based on your behavior and I do plan on keeping my shit together once I start studying again. So I’ll be alright and make my money without you thinking about me. Keep it and buy something real nice and send me a picture so I can see it.

  Love,

  Antonio (your man)

  July 11, 1990

  Antonio,

  Well, Antonio, I am a little bit upset you didn’t take the money. That was something I wanted to do for you as a present. People give each other presents all the time. That’s all it was. But if you feel like I’m disrespecting on your manhood then I can’t do nothing but respect that. But I’m telling you, if you need it, don’t be afraid to ask.

  One person I ain’t giving no money to is Roy. Now lemme tell you what this nigga did. He gonna ask me to go to the corner store right and pick him up some stuff. He was smoking the joe and got the munchies, plus he wanted some cigarettes and you remember Sanchez who own the store? Well, he always let me buy cigarettes for Mommy and Roy cause he know us. So I went and got just what Roy asked for: some Newports, OJ, cheese popcorn, 7Up, and we needed some more dish soap. So I’m thinking he gonna give me the money before I left, but he claimed he was gonna give it to me when I got back. Well, when I came back he gonna talk about “Well if you had the money anyway it’s no use in me giving it back to you.” So I started screaming that I wasn’t giving him his shit and he was like, “Girl you better quit playing with me. I ain’t yo mama.” And I wasn’t gonna give it to him Antonio, I meant it. But then my mother came out her room cause she was in there under the hood dryer wrapping her hair, and usually she don’t take my side so I just threw the bag on the floor and stomped to my room to turned on Queen Latifah just like I always have to. On the way back there though my mother said, “Roy, that’s Natasha’s money. If I don’t ask her for it then neither should you.” And Roy screamed “Denise, she need to contribute to this house. She grown and old enough to open her legs and hit the streets when she wanna so she shouldn’t be hollering about no damn ten dollars.” Now, Antonio that made me so mad cause compared with most kids my age, I’m doing good with myself. I don’t even go out that much, only to the movies or parties or Times Square and that’s only on the weekend. So my mother said, “Natasha do her part with the chores and she pay for almost everything she want, so I don’t ask her for no money and she my own daughter.” Then Roy was like, “Oh she my daughter too when the rent need to be paid to keep a roof over her head, but she your daughter when it’s time to correct her?” Then Mommy said “You ain’t correcting her—you just keeping up mess.” Then I just heard Roy stomping around and opening the front door and he said something out in the hall like, “This whole house ain’t nothing but a mess. Drew had some sense getting the hell out.”