“Of course you do,” he laughed. “Must’ve stung you a little bit with the truth.”
“Oh, whatever.” I turned over onto my stomach, and propped up on my elbows, putting the phone on speaker. “What are you doing anyway?” I asked, hearing a bunch of shuffling and noise in the background.
“Just got home. About to get in the shower and get my ass in the bed.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re just now getting home?” I pressed the button to turn my screen back on, to look at the time. It was almost one in the morning.
“I told you, I went to drop KJ off and it was arguing time for the next two hours. KJ came and brought us his hearing aids, and went to go play. Even he was sick of the bullshit. I left there, then went back to my studio. Couldn’t concentrate, so I came home.”
“What the hell do you argue with somebody about for a whole two hours?”
He chuckled. “You’ll have to ask her, cause I honestly don’t even know. Yo… what is that playing in the background right now?”
I raised my head a bit as I listened, then answered, “All The Time. Jeremih song from a few years ago.”
“Yeah, I know,” he laughed. “That’s what I thought it was. That’s how you’re feeling right now?”
Just as he asked the question, the lyrics, “I could fuck you all the time,” played, and now that I was actually thinking about it, and actually paying attention…yeah. It was how I was feeling, really.
“The song just shuffled on,” I said, downplaying the thought that had just run through my mind. “I wasn’t playing any particular thing.”
“So… you don’t want me to swing through then? Aiight. I guess my feeling aren’t hurt.”
“Oh whatever,” I laughed. “I didn’t even say that.”
“So you do want me to come through then. That’s what you’re saying?”
I stared at the phone for a second. “I… no, I’m trying to figure out what you’re saying. Like… are you asking me? Do you want to come over?”
“I thought I was pretty obvious with that, B. If that’s an invitation… I accept. I’m gonna go ahead and hop in the shower real quick. I’ll be there in… twenty minutes?”
“I… uh… yeah,” I stammered, taken aback by the sudden shift in conversation. “But… Zion is here, and I’m not really in the habit of having men here at all, let alone while he’s just in the other room. So… if we’re doing this, you’re going to have to be extra quiet.”
“B…,” Kyle started, in a voice that I could tell he was trying to hold back a laugh. “I don’t know why you’re telling me to be quiet. I’m not the loud one.”
“Shut up.”
He did laugh then, but only for a little bit before he spoke again. “Yo… I’ll be there in a little bit, okay?”
“Yeah.”
Once he’d hung up, I sighed.
What the hell was I doing?
I’d moved here into this new apartment two years ago, and since then I’d never had a man at my place. It was purposeful on my part, making home my sacred ground. That way, when “whatever” I was doing with the guy went inevitably south, I didn’t have to live in a space that was tainted with his memory, or his energy.
But… Kyle had been all up and through this apartment. On top of me in this apartment. Inside of me in this apartment. True enough, our little arrangement hadn’t started on purpose. We just… happened to have amazing sexual chemistry, and happened to vibe. I was always comfortable when he was here, touching and kissing and laughing and talking and creating an intimacy that… I wasn’t sure I’d ever experienced.
Good thing we were just benefits-package friends. I didn’t have to worry about things going bad if things between us weren’t “like that” anyway.
When he arrived, he didn’t knock on the door. Instead, he sent me a text that he was at the door, doing his part not to wake or alert Zion, who considered himself protector of the house.
I got a little flustered by how good he looked when I opened the door. At some point since the last time I saw him, he’d gotten his beard and facial hair trimmed. His locs were down, but contained underneath the cap he’d pulled backwards on his head. He was in what I’d discovered was his “uniform”, sweats and a long-sleeved tee, and as always… he looked good as hell.
He raised his eyebrows at what must’ve been a dumbfounded expression on my face, then stepped inside, pulling me into a hug. “What’s up?” he asked, in a low, sleepy voice, nuzzling his face into my neck, and I giggled before I maneuvered out of his arms.
“Come on,” I told him, quickly locking the door. I felt like a rebellious teenager sneaking him into my room, but as soon as we were on the right side of my locked bedroom door, he made me feel very, very grown up.
His hands went to the sides of my face, pulling me in and keeping me still as he devoured my mouth. As we backed toward the bed, we worked together to get him stripped down to his boxers.
Kyle sat down on the edge of the bed and I stepped between his legs, lowering my mouth down to his. I groaned a little as he teased the edges of my lips with his tongue, cupping handfuls of my ass to pull me in closer. His teeth grazed my bottom lip before he pulled it into his mouth, sucking and biting before he kissed me again.
“You feeling better than earlier?” I asked, speaking softly against his lips as I lowered myself onto his lap. Even through the layers of our underwear, his dick was hard and hot between my legs.
He nodded. “Yeah. Especially now.”
His eyelids were low. He was tired, and not even the way he pulled me back onto the bed and climbed on top of me could mask it. Laughing, I repositioned us so that I was back on top. I was surprised when, instead of progressing us toward sex, he wrapped his arms around me, tugging so that I was flat against him, chest to chest.
It was… comfortable.
I straddled my legs on either side of him, settling into his body as he lazily stroked his hands from the backs of my thighs to my ass, then up to my lower back. He repeated that action over and over as he kissed me, and his eyelids settled lower and lower. Just watching him made the elusive desire to sleep come roaring back, so as I pressed my lips to his one last time… I kept my eyes closed too.
&
“Mama!”
My eyes shot open, but I didn’t sit up.
I wanted to… I really did. But I also wanted to not get up. To never get up.
There it was, without my bidding.
I was in that… grayness, again.
Kyle’s arm draped around my waist didn’t help. In fact, it added another layer of stress to what was already an ugly mood to wake up in. I tried my best to blink back the tears that were quickly forming, without any luck. They were coming, whether I wanted them to or not.
I really don’t want to get up.
“Mama!” Zion called again, and I finally moved, to scrub the moisture from my face. My movement must’ve been the thing to wake Kyle, cause he sat up, looking alarmed as Zion called for me, yet again.
“You want me to see what’s up?” he asked, groggily.
I shook my head as I got up, wiping away fresh tears. “No, I don’t want him to see you here. I’ve got it.”
“But…” he stopped, looking at me with a sympathy that only raised my irritation level as I pulled on a robe to cover the tank top and boy shorts I’d worn to sleep. “You’re crying right now, B. Did I do something?”
“No, Kyle. We’re fine. It’s just… one of those mornings,” I said, drying my face once again before I sucked in a breath, and shimmied my shoulders, temporarily shaking off the negative vibes so that I could address my son.
“Hey baby,” I greeted him, slipping out of the door. He seemed oblivious to the possibility of something being off-kilter, which was exactly what I tried so hard to shield him from. While he was getting ready, I went through the motions too. Brushed my teeth, pulled the braids I’d installed a week ago into a fresh bun, washed my face, all to seem like I was getting
ready to go out into the world, when all I really wanted to do was crawl back under my covers and hide.
Twenty minutes later, I sent him out of the door to walk to school with his friend from down the hall, and I braced myself for going back into the room with Kyle, who I expected to find waiting for me with a bunch of annoying questions I didn’t want to answer.
Instead, I found him dressed.
“Rushing out?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Nah,” he shook his head. “Just didn’t want you to have to wait on me. I’ll go freshen up while you get dressed.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Dressed? For what?”
“We’re about to go shoot some hoops.”
I couldn’t help it – I laughed. “Kyle… I’m not a basketball player, and I’m not going anywhere anyway. But… you have fun.”
“So… what, you’re just going to hang around here feeling sorry for yourself?” he asked, looking just about as annoyed as I felt by the question.
“Excuse you. I’m going to let that slide since I know you didn’t mean any harm.”
He sucked his teeth. “Don’t let shit slide. I meant exactly what I said. That’s what this is, right? You’re what… gonna spend the day in bed?”
“And if I am?” I snapped, crossing my arms. “What does it have to do with you?”
“If we’re friends like we claim to be, a lot. If I see you slipping into something that’s not good, I’m going to try to pull you up. Or would you rather I just pretend not to see it?”
I scoffed. “So what, you’re Mr. Philosophical now? How would you know anything about what I’m “slipping into”, huh?”
He shook his head, laughing. “Nah, B. Nobody is trying to be fake deep with you, or whatever right now. I just… shit, do you really think I had a career-ending injury at the end of my best season in the league and was just… cool with it? You think that didn’t jack my head up? You think I didn’t ever have days where I felt useless, worthless, and just didn’t want to get up?”
“I don’t know what it did to you, Kyle.”
“Right, so I’m telling you. And based on some of the stuff you’ve told me, and stuff I’ve seen… I’m just saying… you might want to talk to somebody. And it’s not about me thinking you’re “crazy”, or anything like that, let me make that clear.”
“If you’re not calling me crazy, then why are you suggesting that I “talk to somebody”?”
“Because waking up crying, saying stuff about how you don’t want to get up, wondering who would take care of Zion if you never woke up, isn’t “just one of those mornings”.”
My eyes went wide. “Excuse me… saying what?”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “You… I guess you didn’t realize it, but you were talking to yourself. Maybe in your sleep or something.”
I covered my mouth with my hand, and took a step back as my gaze dropped to the floor. “I can’t believe I—”
“Hey,” Kyle interrupted, closing the space between us to put his hand under my chin, lifting my face so that I was looking at him. “You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. Not with me.”
I scoffed. “That’s really easy to say, but—”
“But nothing. You’d be surprised how many people go through shit. That dancing nigga… Knox Riley. He was just on his reality show talking about the power of therapy, had a bunch of folks cosigning. It’s nothing to be scared of, B.”
I sniffed, trying to clear away a sudden, fresh round of tears. “It’s not just that. It’s… I can’t afford to hear somebody tell me I’m falling apart.”
Kyle shrugged. “I get that. I swear, I do. But… it’s not like you can afford to fall apart. So you’ve gotta make a choice, right? You gonna be a big girl about it, try to fix it… or just let it happen?”
I ran my tongue over my lips. “I guess you have a point, but…” I shook my head. “I… I’m not there yet. I mean… I manage it just fine.”
He gave me a skeptical look that made me swat his shoulder, and he laughed. “B… look… you don’t have to be ready to talk to somebody just because I think it’s a good idea. You have to do something like that on our own time. But like I said, I’ve been there. I get it.”
“And what did you do… besides talking to somebody?”
He grinned, then moved toward the door, smacking me on the ass as he passed me. “Exercise endorphins are scientifically proven to perk your ass up.”
I crossed my arms. “So that’s why you’re trying to get me to the basketball court?”
He stopped in the doorway, nodding. “Yes ma’am. As soon as I could… I got moving. And it helped, for real. So… you down?”
I took a deep breath. I still hadn’t really acknowledged anything, but… just having this conversation made me feel a little better. So maybe he knew what he was talking about, a little.
I nodded, and he gave me another, wider grin.
“That’s what’s up,” he nodded. “Get dressed. We leave in five minutes.”
{six} his lies
Audrey thought she was slick.
From the moment she walked into the waiting room looking fresh off a photoshoot, I knew she was up to something. Usually, this would have intrigued me. Over the years, we’d played enough games with each other that it was almost like foreplay – aggravate the shit out of each other, only to work it off in the bedroom later.
I… was done playing with her.
I’d always suspected a day would come where I finally got tired of the being on that constant rollercoaster with her. I’d expected something gradual though – a subtle realization, followed by a measured detachment from each other that would settle into a comfortable friendship, and laid-back coparenting arrangement.
Instead, it hit me with a harsh smack.
The way I’d found out about her and Dr.Polk, the shit she pulled at dinner with my parents, the other night, when she’d nitpicked her way into an argument for no damn reason… I couldn’t keep falling back on dysfunction, especially when there was no way there was happiness waiting at the end of the line. Maybe if it looked like there was some hope for there to be an “us”, I’d be willing to stick it out, and hope for the best. But honestly… even if we were on the same page, the chances of us building anything significant were slim. We’d need a freight train to carry all of our baggage.
“Hey baby,” she greeted KJ, who was seated beside me, playing on his tablet. He squirmed as she planted a kiss on his cheek, and then she sat down… saying nothing to me.
Here we fucking go.
“Good afternoon, Audrey. Glad you made it safely,” I told the side of her head, since she purposely angled away from me, looking at her phone, the moment I started talking. She sucked her teeth, but otherwise ignored me, and I laughed.
This was exactly the type of shit I was tired of.
Instead of wasting more time with that, I spent the next few minutes clearing emails and texting back and forth with Derrick and Rob to make plans for later. It had been a little bit since we’d kicked it because of conflicting schedules, but we settled on meeting up at Stoney’s later to eat wings and have drinks.
The way this appointment was going so far, I was going to need those drinks.
“Heeey,” I heard Audrey call out, in a flirtatious voice that made me look up. When my eyes landed on the dorky-looking subject of her newfound social grace, I shook my head.
I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Dr. Polk.
We were at the medical center to see KJ’s audiologist, but the pediatric care clinic we used was in the same building. It wasn’t completely out of place for Dr. Polk to be in the building, but in the waiting room for our specialist… nah.
Audrey had called him.
I watched her give him a hug that was damn near too hot for TV, then turned my attention back to my phone to mind my business. These ESPN articles weren’t gonna read themselves.
After a few minutes had passed, Audrey dropped back
into her chair with enough of an exasperated huff that it made me glance up, to find her looking my way. “Why are you always so absorbed with those hoes on your phone?” she asked, and my eyebrow immediately went up.
“Do you mean, “why am I looking at my phone instead of paying attention to you and your boyfriend”? Cause me being “always” absorbed with “hoes” in my phone isn’t even remotely true.”
She rolled her eyes. “You really think I’m that pressed for your attention?”
“If you’re not, you’re sure as hell doing a good impression of a woman who is. Why are you suddenly always worried about what I’m doing with my phone – which never has anything to do with “hoes” by the way, since you’re concerned.”
“Yeah, right. Even if I was concerned, I hope you don’t think that lie is convincing to anybody. Besides… I’m just wondering why you’re on your phone instead of being engaged with your son.”
“My son is building a gummy bear empire on his tablet right now, and asked to be allowed to concentrate,” I told her, smirking. “Which you’d know if you weren’t in my business, or playing kissy-face with the doctor.”
Her eyes lit up, and she crossed her arms. “See? There it is. That jealousy. You can’t stand for me to be happy with someone else, can you?”
My face screwed up. “Audrey, what? I don’t give a fu-mmmmm,” I groaned, remembering KJ was sitting between us, even though he had headphones on. “Girl, don’t nobody care about you and your corny doctor. I wish you’d focus on him and stop picking fights and all this other mess you do to try to get under my skin.”
She smirked. “”Try”? We both know I’m succeeding.”
“So you admit that you’re just—”
“Are you and mommy arguing again?”
When I glanced down at KJ, his headphones were pushed back, and the expression on his little face was so sad it made me feel like shit. I put a hand out to rub his head, then shot a glare at Audrey before I returned my eyes to his, and shook my head.
“Not any more little man, okay?”
He nodded, then glanced over at Audrey, who was looking away.
The Lies: The Lies We Tell About Love, Life, and Everything in Between Page 12