“Why all of this talk about fighting?” asked the Chief rhetorically. “For years, you’ve campaigned against violent fighting and for the resolution of disputes through paint dart battles. We had such a paint dart battle a short time ago, which we won, I remind you.”
“Indeed, you did win. We are grateful to you for participating in this way of resolving disputes; however, we know that there are some in your group who wish to continue the old violent way of fighting.”
“There are some in our society who deeply dislike you,” said the Chief.
“…and your unfaithfulness to Ah-Ha,” added the High Toll.
“What do you propose going forward?” asked the Chief.
“It’s important to us that we exchange emissaries. Currently, you allow us to send only a few emissaries to live among you and they clearly sense your hostility toward them. More importantly, you don’t send emissaries to live among us and learn our ways first hand.”
The Leader leaned forward and looked directly at the Chief.
“We want you to send us emissaries regularly, and we want them to be young enough to attend our schools so they can learn and truly understand our way of life.”
“You want them to be young so you can corrupt them,” bristled the High Toll.
“Older is better,” added the Chief, “after we’ve educated them in the way of Ah-Ha.”
“After you’ve trained them to hate the Euromamo,” responded the Leader in a firm voice. “In the interest of peace between our groups, you should change what you teach them about us. They grow up brimming with hatred before they ever have a chance to know us. If this isn’t changed, more young Islamamo will grow up hating us and some of those will attack us violently, away from the paint dart field. We’ll continue to fight violently forever.”
“Do you expect them to become unfaithful in religion as you are?” asked the High Toll.
“No, we don’t. Your young people will be free to worship as they wish. Their freedom while they’re living among us will be just like that enjoyed by any Euromamo.”
“What will they learn while they live with you?” asked the Chief.
“They will get to know us firsthand, make friends among us. Surely, that would benefit both of our groups.”
“But in your schools, what will they learn?” asked the Chief.
“Central to our schools is the teaching of religion,” added the High Toll. “This insures that our young people follow the true path set forth by The Augur. All other subjects are secondary.”
“Our schools are different,” replied the Leader. “They are centrally concerned with the natural sciences, the social sciences, the liberal arts, and the fine arts. Our schools provide no instruction on how to worship so they won’t corrupt your young people. They don’t teach that our religion is preferred or superior. We’ve no desire to turn your youths away from the religion of Ah-Ha. We will educate them about the world around us, the factual world, the world of science, the world that you studied skillfully years ago.”
“Let me confer,” the Chief said as he withdrew, followed by the High Toll and the other Islamamo at the table, gathering under the covered walkway just outside the room.
From what Rick could see through the doorway, the Chief and the High Toll were the key players in the animated conversation. After about 15 minutes, the Chief returned to the room with the High Toll behind him. They were the only ones who came back in.
“We’re sorry to inform you that it’s time for us to leave,” the Chief said.
“We regret that and wish you would reconsider,” said the Leader. “We’d like for you to stay so you can know us better. We’ve much to talk about in addition to the matters we’ve discussed thus far.”
“We’ve already talked too much for this visit,” responded the Chief.
With that, the Chief strode out of the dining room followed by the High Toll. That served as a signal to the Islamamo at the other tables, who filed out behind them.
Rick turned to John Eel Hunter, “That didn’t last long, did it?”
“Sometimes our meetings with the Islamamo are over quickly. Despite that, it’s important that we continue to meet with them given the tensions between our two societies.”
Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ‘til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!
George Carlin
CHAPTER 26
Commandments and Beatitudes
Rick decided to continue his research on Euromamo religious beliefs, but he quickly reminded himself to call them ‘religious thoughts’ since they were based on fact rather than mere belief. The sermons given by Archbishop Witch Doctor Richards and Reverend Scientist Watt had revealed some differences between the denominations, but Rick wanted to know more about that. He stopped by the Reverend’s shelter. She hadn’t hung her blue disc on the door frame, so he knocked.
“Good morning, Reverend. May I have a few words with you?”
“Certainly, Rick. Come in. You paid close attention during my sermon on Darwin. Something I said is on your mind?”
“Many things you said are on my mind, Reverend. I was intrigued by your easy reference to scientific findings in your services and by your respect for the scientific method.”
“Rightly perceived. As we say, ‘science is our religion’.”
“I am interested in how your denomination differs from the Church of World Religion.”
“There are differences between us to be sure, but there are also some important areas of agreement. Where do you want to start?”
“I want to arrange a joint meeting with you and Archbishop Witch Doctor Richards. That way, I can hear from each of you directly and resolve any questions I might have.”
“Good idea. The Archbishop and I have been friends for many years. I always enjoy discussing religion with him. Has he agreed?”
“No, but as soon as I leave here, I’ll go to his shelter and invite him.”
“Where do you want to meet?”
“I think the Leader would let us use a small room in the entertainment center, don’t you?
“I’m sure she would. Do you have a particular topic in mind for us to discuss?”
“No, anything you think might help me learn.”
Reverend Scientist Watt thought for a moment.
“Let’s start with the Ten Commandments. After our forebears settled in the valley, we re-thought our religious tenets. Archbishop Richards’ denomination was at it before we were. By 1770, they had split from the Anglicans, whereas we didn’t split until 1840. Not long after our splits, each denomination rewrote the Commandments to reflect its new thinking.”
“You each have a version of the Commandments?” asked Rick.
“Yes, we wanted to capture our thoughts in writing,” responded the Reverend. “When you meet with Archbishop Witch Doctor Richards, see if he agrees that the Commandments are a good starting point for our discussion. If so, we can bring our respective copies of them to the meeting so you can compare them.”
“Good suggestion. I’ll go see the Archbishop, as well as the Leader, to firm things up. How about tomorrow at 10:00 AM?”
“That’s fine with me.”
“I’ll let you know, of course, when everything is set.”
Rick started to leave but turned back at the doorway.
“What are the necklaces I have seen on some Euromamo, like you and the Archbishop wear?”
“They are symbols of office. Six Euromamo wear them.”
“Is your necklace the same as Witch Doctor Richards’ necklace?”
“No, ours reflect our individual denominations. Mine has the four symbols we place on the rostrum during our services: number hash mark, percentage symbol, lightning bolt, and question mark,” she said, holding her medal up to him. “Having attended our services, I suspect you know the significance of them. The back of my medal has the letters ‘TB’ for ‘Test Beneficence’. Archbishop Witch Doctor Richards wears a Saint Bullshit medal with a simple, stick-figure representation of their only saint.”
“Saint Bullshit?” asked Rick.
“Correct. Obviously named in an irreverent moment,” she said smiling. “While some take the name to mean that all saints are bullshit, the Saint’s formal function, according to that denomination, is to guard congregants against those who bullshit about religion. It’s all done with a light touch as they realize their saint doesn’t have any supernatural powers. Nevertheless, it’s a worthy symbol.”
“And the back of the medal?”
“It has the letters ‘AWD’ for ‘All Witch Doctors’.”
“I have also noticed necklaces worn by the Leader and the Chair of the Council.”
“Yes, and by the Adjutant General and by Judge Ravenswood. They’re identical. The front of each medal has the word ‘Privacy’ like on our privacy discs, while the back has the arc-and-arrow symbol you saw on the lectern. ‘BSW’ is engraved beneath the arc and stands for ‘Build Social Wealth’. They’ll show them to you if you ask.”
The short walk along the path to Archbishop Witch Doctor Richards’s shelter was punctuated with beautiful flowers. When Rick didn’t find him there, he asked someone if they had seen him.
“He’s in the library preparing his sermon for next week,” he was told. “I was just there and saw him.”
Rick stopped at the library and found the Archbishop in the reading room, sitting at a large table surrounded by stacks of books on various religions.
“How are you, Archbishop?” he said quietly as he approached the table.
The Archbishop looked up and smiled.
“Hi, Rick.”
“I understand that you are preparing your sermon and I do not want to disturb you, but I have a quick question.”
“That’s alright. I was just about to take a break. Let’s go outside and talk.”
Once in the shade of a tree, the Archbishop asked, “What’s on your mind, Rick? I hope I can be of help.”
“I want to learn more about the Church of World Religion and the Church of Science. Reverend Scientist Watt agreed to meet with me to discuss her denomination and I would like to meet with you at the same time. I am particularly interested in clarifying the differences between your denominations. Will you meet with us?”
“Sure. I like to meet with the Reverend Scientist from time to time to discuss religious matters. It benefits us and our congregations.”
“Great. I appreciate your willingness to participate. The Reverend Scientist suggested that a good starting point for our discussion would be the Ten Commandments. She told me that each of your denominations has revised the Bible’s Commandments to reflect the thinking of your congregations. She thought a comparison of your respective versions might give me insight into your churches.”
“Good suggestion on her part. I agree.”
“Oh, and the Reverend Scientist suggested that each of you bring a copy of your versions of the Ten Commandments to facilitate the comparison.”
“I shall be pleased to do so. When do you want to meet?”
“What about tomorrow at 10:00 AM at the entertainment center? Does that work for you?”
“That’s fine. I’ll be there.”
“Thank you. I’ll confirm the details and let you know. I look forward to seeing you at the meeting.”
Rick arranged with the Leader for the use of the room and then let both religious leaders know the meeting was on. To refresh his memory, he went to the library to reread the Ten Commandments in the Bible. As he gazed at the familiar language, he wondered how he would revise them if he were faced with that task. It was something he had never considered before. Sure, the Commandments seemed brief for what they purported to do, but he recalled the sermons he had heard that had praised them for their comprehensiveness as well as their wisdom. It would be good to hear the Archbishop’s and Reverend’s comments. The following day, all three arrived at the entertainment center on time. Both ministers were in a genial spirit and Rick sensed they got along well personally. Without delay, Rick opened the conversation.
“I’m pleased that you agreed to talk with me about your denominations,” he began. “I would like to know how each of your denominations decided to revise the commandments. Archbishop?”
“I do not presume to speak for both of us, of course,” he started, glancing toward the Reverend, “but I think it’s fair to say that our respective congregations took a hard, critical look at the Commandments and realized that significant changes were needed.”
“The Archbishop is right,” chimed the Reverend. “The initial task was to drop the reverence for the scriptures we had been taught. Instead, we needed irreverence.”
“If you wish, I’ll summarize the changes my denomination made, and I invite the Reverend to speak for her denomination as I go along.”
“That sounds good,” said Rick.
“The Commandments are succinct rules. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but when my denomination looked at them, we realized that exceptions were needed in some places and elaboration in other places. After all, the moral and legal situations people face are complex, so we expected the rules applying to them would be complex as well.”
“So the rules lacked comprehensiveness?” commented Rick.
“Yes. They fell short on that,” replied the Archbishop, “and they were overly broad in other places.”
“From our Church’s viewpoint, they were inadequately supported by evidence,” offered the Reverend. “That was our main complaint.”
“You’ll get a better understanding if you look at the text,” said the Archbishop. “Here are our rewritten commandments,” he said, handing Rick a paper.
“If I may,” said the Reverend, genially, “I’ll give you my list, as well.”
“If you place them side by side, you can see how our respective denominations dealt with each commandment,” suggested the Reverend.
“This is very helpful. Thanks for bringing these copies.”
Rick placed the papers side by side and began to read them.
“As you see,” said the Archbishop quietly, “when we rewrote them, we did so in the voice of god, as we called him then, because that was the traditional language of the verses and we wanted our members to be comfortable with the new text.”
“In contrast,” added the Reverend, “we didn’t use the voice of god, or Hosfowotine, as we hadn’t found sufficient evidence of his or her existence. We do revere science, as you know. Our starting point was asking how the commandments should read in the light of current evidence.”
“I see,” said Rick, cordially, as he scanned the two sheets of paper.
“There’s another difference,” said the Archbishop. “We kept the original language of the commandments, King James Version, and made our revisions directly to it. The only exceptions were two places where we adopted the recent New King James Version for a few words where the changes made a difference in meaning. We noted them, of course.”
“Although we followed the subject matter of the original commandments, we chose to totally rewrite them,” added the Reverend.
“In revising the introductory sentence, you were both were pretty irreverent,” said Rick with a smile on his face.
“We like irreverence. We think that a lot of benefits flow from it,” said the Archbishop.
“This helps me understand the differences between your denominations,” said Rick.
“You’ll see additional difference
s in the other Commandments,” said the Reverend.
“You both had a wild time with that one,” said Rick, smiling.
“My denomination got wild, in your words, portraying god’s attitude toward graven images of him, his family, prominent followers, and more moral gods. He comes off as self-centered but, all things considered, we thought the tone was appropriately irreverent,” answered the Archbishop. “As you surely suspect, we don’t make gilded, graven images of anyone.”
“Nor do we, not even of Newton or Einstein,” added the Reverend, playfully.
“Sometimes I swear,” mused Rick as he continued reading.
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” said the Reverend.
“You meet on Sunday, don’t you, Archbishop?” asked Rick.
“Yes, we do, but that’s mainly from force of habit and a desire to make the theological transitions comfortable for our congregation. We’re fully aware that other religions meet on other days and at other intervals.”
“And you meet on Wednesdays, Reverend?” Rick asked.
“Yes, we decided to meet on that day although we place no special importance on it and could change it without difficulty,” the Reverend responded. “We discussed whether to meet once a week or at some other interval, and the congregation voted to retain the weekly schedule. However, we aren’t committed to it because of the Biblical text. Indeed, we aren’t committed to a week as a god-given division of days.”
“That’s quite a rewrite,” observed Rick.
“As you see,” said the Archbishop, “the Church of World Religion was struck by the overly broad language of the traditional text. Even a cursory analysis told us that the language couldn’t mean what it said literally. We decided to flesh out the most obvious exceptions so our congregants would have a better idea of what was expected of them. Since we made the revisions, it’s apparent that there are more exceptions than we listed, but the spirit of modification is there.”
The Blue Disc Page 31