by Duncan Ball
‘Heavens!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed, looking at the wet spots on her blouse. ‘I think I’ve been splashed with you-know-what from the toilet!’
‘It’s just a jet of clean water. I keep the pressure gauge low so that no you-know-what or even what-do-you-call-'ems can come back out.’
‘Well that’s a relief,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Oh, and I forgot to tell you that when the system flip-flops, a vandal alarm rings. Another one goes off in the police station so the police can come running and catch the culprit.’
‘You are a marvel,’ Mrs Trifle said, giving her husband a big hug. ‘Will your SAA be ready to put in the PCRF in time for Saturday’s kiddies’ footie match?’
‘Absolutely.’
Sure enough, the following Saturday Selby followed Dr and Mrs Trifle down the street to the sports ground where the Soop-Adoop-Aloo had been installed earlier that morning. He hid in the bushes and watched Willy and Billy play in the weekly footie match. Afterwards, as the crowd was leaving, he saw Dr Trifle go into the loo and come out again.
‘No one’s tried to damage it,’ he reported. ‘So I guess it wasn’t much of a test.’
‘No one’s going to try any funny business while there are so many people around,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘The moment we leave, I’ll bet the vandals will strike. Jetty,’ she said turning to her sister, ‘how about coming back to our place for lunch?’
‘No, I have things to do at home,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Come along, boys.’
‘No!’ screamed Willy. ‘I don’t want to go home now! I want to stay here and play footie with Billy!’
‘Me too!’ Billy screamed, kicking the football over the top of a small tree. ‘We can walk home later.’
‘All right, boys, but be good,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘And remember you’ve got clean clothes in your sports bags. Change out of those grubby clothes so you’ll be respectable when you come home. That’ll be a nice surprise for mummy.’
‘Okay, Mummy,’ Willy and Billy said together.
‘Those monsters couldn’t be good if their lives depended on it,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going to stay right here and keep an eye on them.’
As soon as the adults were out of sight, Willy reached into his sports bag and got out a can of spray paint.
‘Hey, Billy!’ Willy said, dashing into the SAA. ‘Guess what you are?!’
‘That’s not fair!’ Billy yelled, running in after him.
‘I knew it!’ Selby thought as he snuck around behind the toilet. ‘Willy and Billy were the culprits all along! They’re the ones who have been destroying the loo.’
Selby watched from the tiny window at the back of the SAA as Willy started writing on the wall.
‘Billy is a — He’s a what?! I don’t even know what that word means!’ Selby thought.
‘Gimme that!’ Billy screamed, grabbing the can out of Willy’s hands and changing the B in Billy to a W to make it Willy.
Suddenly there was a gurgle and liquid poured down the wall, washing away the words.
‘What the …?!’ Billy said. ‘It’s gone! That’s not fair.’
‘Fair enough for you,’ Selby thought.
‘Watch this!’ Willy said, getting a big nail out of his pocket and trying to a scratch a word on the wall. ‘Hey! I can’t scratch it! What’s going on?!’
‘I’ll tell you what’s going on,’ Selby thought. ‘Your little bird-brains are no match for Dr Trifle’s brain.’
‘Let’s go home and watch videos,’ Billy said. ‘This is no fun.’
Selby watched as Willy and Billy took off their dirty footie clothes and boots. Then, just as they were going to get clean clothes out of their sports bags, Willy said, ‘I know! Let’s block up the pooper!’
‘Let’s do it!’ Billy squealed.
With this he picked up Willy’s football clothes and threw them in the toilet.
‘No!’ Willy screamed.
But it was too late. For a minute the water rose, then there was a sudden series of sucking and gushing noises, a big gulp and a huge burp and Willy’s clothes disappeared down the hole.
‘That was so much fun!’ Billy giggled.
But before he could think, Willy had flushed Billy’s clothes down, too.
‘You stupy stinkbottom!’ Billy screamed as he threw Willy’s sports bag in the loo and flushed.
Again there were gushings and suckings and gulpings and then, just before Willy’s sports bag disappeared, Willy threw Billy’s in too. With one loud burp they were gone.
‘Now look what you’ve done!’ Billy cried, punching his brother.
‘Me?!’ Willy wailed as he punched Billy back. ‘You started it!’
Selby’s smile turned into a grin as Willy and Billy punched it out in the SAA.
‘I don’t think I’ve had so much fun in years,’ Selby thought. ‘If I could get this on video I’d watch it every time I wanted a good laugh.’
Finally, the fight finished with both boys in tears.
‘I’ll fix that stupy stinkypoo dunny!’ Willy cried as he threw their one last possession — the football — into the toilet. ‘This will break it!’
‘Don’t count on it,’ Selby thought.
For a few moments there were suckings and gushings and gurglings as the water rose and fell. The football stuck fast in the bottom.
‘It’s too big to flush,’ Selby thought. ‘So now the Loo-Brain’s going to fling it.’
Selby watched the needle go up and up towards the red zone, setting off the vandal alarm.
‘What’s that noise?!’ Willy screamed, clapping his hands over his ears.
‘I don’t know!’ Billy screamed back.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘The needle is already up in the red zone but nothing’s happening! The ball is just the wrong size! The Loo-Brain can’t make up its mind between flushing or flinging! I’ll have to turn up the pressure!’
Selby noticed a bright red tap at the back of the Soop-Adoop-Aloo. ‘This must be the water pressure valve,’ he thought. He opened the valve more and more and watched the arrow shoot past the red zone and to the very top of the dial. Suddenly there was a rumbling like an earthquake and then an ear-splitting burp! The cycle flip-flopped again and the football shot up so hard that it pounded around the inside of the dunny like a stray ping-pong ball. And following it was a geyser of liquid. Only this time it wasn’t just clean water.
When Sergeant Short and Constable Long pulled up in their police car there were Willy and Billy, standing outside the SAA crying their eyes out.
‘Goodness me,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘What have we here?’
‘They appear to be Aunt Jetty’s sons Willy and Billy,’ Constable Long said. ‘They’re all wet and filthy and they seem to have misplaced their clothes. You don’t suppose they were trying to damage Dr Trifle’s new toilet, do you, Sergeant?’
‘Well if they were,’ the sergeant said. ‘I’m sure they’ll never try it again.’
‘We won’t do it again, honest!’ Willy cried.
‘I see,’ Constable Long said. ‘Well, I guess we’d better give them a lift home and tell their mother.’
‘Hold on a tick. Do you smell what I smell?’ Sergeant Short asked.
Constable Long stepped closer to the boys and then pulled back, quickly, holding his nose.
‘If I’m not mistaken,’ the constable said. ‘These boys are covered in … well in … you-know-what.’
‘Yes, and I think I smell what-do-you-call-ems too.
‘Do you really want our nice new police car to smell like you-know-what and what-do-you-call-'ems?’ the constable said.
‘No, I don’t think I do, Constable. Goodness me, look at the time! We’d better get back to the police station.’
Selby watched as the policemen walked back towards their car, laughing as they went.
‘You have to take us home!’ Willy screamed.
‘You can’t make us walk home in the nuddy!’ Billy screamed too.
‘No, I didn’t hear anything,’ Sergeant Short said as they drove away.
Selby rubbed his paws together and giggled with delight as the police drove away and Willy and Billy started their embarrassing walk home.
‘Thanks to Dr Trifle’s invention, Willy and Billy just got the biggest surprise of their lives. And when they get home I think Aunt Jetty is going to get a nice surprise too!’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, joy, oh, joy. Isn’t life wonderful?’
WILLY
Oh, Willy Willy Willy-woo
Forgive me for not liking you.
It isn’t nice; I know it’s silly,
But I don’t care for you – or Billy.
Sometimes I have an awful thought,
And wonder if I would be caught
If I should reach right down your snout
And pull your insides inside out.
I’d give you a karate chop
Just to see your eyeballs pop.
And then (and this is really mean)
I’d use you as a trampoline.
Oh, Willy Willy Willy-woo
Forgive me for not liking you.
I know it isn’t nice to hate
But in your case it feels just great.
PEEP-DIPPER
‘I’m going to have to cancel the Farmers’ Fancy Dress Charity Ball,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘But why?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘Bogusville needs the money that the Charity Ball raises.’
‘The farmers are all very generous but we end up paying more to put the hall back in order than we get in donations.’
‘Are you saying that the farmers trash the place?’
‘Of course not. Not on purpose, at least. The problem is that some of them drive great distances on dirt roads and by the time they get here they’re covered in dust.’
‘So what does a little dust matter?’
‘It all ends up on the dance floor. By the time they finish dancing the floor is so scuffed and scratched that we have to have it polished and painted again. That costs more than the money we collect. What good is a charity ball when there’s no money left for charity?’
‘We could ask them to change into clean clothes and shoes before they go into the hall,’ Dr Trifle suggested.
‘That’s ridiculous. We’d have to provide dressing rooms. The next thing you’re going to say is that we should dip them.’
‘Dip them?’
‘The way farmers push sheep and cattle into water that’s filled with chemicals. That would get all the dirt and dust off them,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Don’t worry, I’m just kidding.’
‘Kidding? No, I think you’re absolutely right.’
‘Oh, don’t be silly. Can you imagine all those people letting someone chuck them into a tankful of water before they were allowed into the hall? They simply wouldn’t have it.’
‘I’m not so sure. Just let me think about this for a while,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Hmmm. I think I still have some of the bits and pieces from that old car wash.’
‘It wouldn’t work because they’d all bedripping wet and that wouldn’t be good for the dance floor either,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Besides, the Charity Ball is only a week away. I think we’ll have to cancel.’
‘Trust me, I’m an inventor,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I’ll have an answer before the week is out.’
‘Dr Trifle is a brilliant inventor,’ Selby thought, ‘but some how I think this is all going to go terribly wrong.’
For the next week Selby watched as Dr Trifle worked on his new invention, this time in the backyard.
‘This is the longest invention that Dr Trifle has ever invented!’ Selby thought. ‘It stretches all the way from the back door to the fence. I’ve never seen so many levers, knobs and dials in my life.’
Finally the invention was complete and Dr Trifle stood in his best suit and tie next to the strange machine.
‘I call it my Peep-Dipper,’ he announced.
‘Your what?’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Well it’s like a sheep dipper only it’s for people so I could call it a People-Dipper. But I like just plain Peep-Dipper,’ Dr Trifle explained.
‘How does it work?’
‘Pretend that I’ve just driven fifty kilometres over dusty roads and I’m covered in dirt.’
‘You look perfectly clean to me,’ said Mrs Trifle.
‘We’ll soon change that,’ the doctor said, tipping a bucket of dirt over himself. ‘Is that better? Okay, here we go. First I’ll throw this switch.’
‘My goodness, that’s incredibly noisy,’ Mrs Trifle said, putting her fingers in her ears.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘I SAID IT’S VERY NOISY!’
‘WHAT?!’
‘NEVER MIND!’
Selby and Mrs Trifle watched as Dr Trifle stepped onto the conveyor belt and was thrown headfirst into a trough of water. When he came out, he was squeezed between ten huge soft wheels covered in bath towels. After that he was blasted with hot air.
‘Ta-da!’ he cried, stepping out of the Peep-Dipper perfectly clean and dry but with his hair pointing every which way. ‘May I have the pleasure of this dance, madam?’ he said, putting out his hand.
‘That’s amazing!’ Selby thought. ‘I was wrong. It actually worked!’
‘That’s brilliant!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But where does the dirty water come out?’
‘It doesn’t. This machine is very environmentally friendly. It recycles the water back into the same tank so it gets used over and over again.’
‘So all the dirt stays in the water,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘By the time a hundred people have gone through there they’ll be having mud baths.’
‘She’s got a point,’ Selby thought.
‘I’ve thought of that,’ Dr Trifle said pulling out a tray marked DIRT. ‘The Peep-Dipper filters the water and the dirt all ends up in the dirt tray. Good, hey.’
‘Your invention is marvellous,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘And we won’t have to cancel the Farmer’s Fancy Dress Charity Ball after all.’
Later that day, when the Trifles were out, Selby just had to try out the marvellous machine. So he turned it on, and jumped on the conveyor belt.
‘This is as much fun as a water slide!’ Selby cried as he was catapulted into the water and then dragged through the drying rollers. ‘But hang on, I’m not getting squozen dry. The rollers are too far apart for a little dog like me. I’ll have to squeeze them in.’
Selby came out dripping wet, ran around to the side of the machine, and began twiddling dials and pulling on all the levers to adjust the rollers.
‘That should do it,’ he thought. ‘Now I’ll turn up the air so that my fur gets perfectly dry.’
After two more goes and more twiddling and levering Selby came out sparkling clean and perfectly dry.
‘Perfect,’ Selby thought. ‘If the whole world was run by people like Dr Trifle it would be a wonderful place. Come to think of it, it’s not so bad the way it is.’
The next morning the Peep-Dipper was loaded on a council truck and unloaded at the front door of Bogusville Town Hall.
That night, as the guests arrived for the Charity Ball in their fancy dress, a dusty and sweaty Mrs Trifle explained about the problems with the dance floor and showed them the Peep-Dipper.
At first they were quiet and then a woman yelled out, ‘Come on, you pikers, after me!’
Dr Trifle turned on the machine and one by one the farmers lined up and went through it into the hall. Just to be good sports, Dr and Mrs Trifle went through last. Suddenly the machine was turned off and there was total silence.
‘I wonder if it worked?’ Selby thought. ‘Why is everyone so quiet? I have a feeling that something’s gone dreadfully wrong.’
Selby ran around the machine and into the hall only to be greeted by the strangest sight he’d ever seen: there in the hall were Dr and Mrs Trifle and a hundred and fifty others standing silently in n
othing but their underwear.
‘I-I don’t know how this could have happened,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘The rollers were much too tight. They weren’t supposed to pull our clothes off.’
‘Oh, no!’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘I forgot to un-twiddle the diddles and un-lever the levers! The rollers were too tight and the air was too blasty! It’s pulled off everyone’s shoes and clothes! Oh, woe, it’s all my fault and now everyone’s going to blame Dr Trifle!’
‘I am terribly terribly sorry,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘My husband’s inventions don’t always work perfectly but—’
Suddenly there was a burst of applause.
‘This is brilliant!’ someone cried. ‘I feel so fresh and cool and clean. And who needs all those hot clothes on a warm night like this?!’
‘And our feet can’t scratch the dance floor!’ someone yelled as the music began. ‘Because we don’t even have our shoes on.’
‘Well it’s not exactly the way I’d planned it,’ Dr Trifle said with a blush. ‘But it seems to have solved the scratched floor problem.’
‘Don’t worry, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh. ‘We’ll just rename it the Farmers’ Casual Dress Charity Ball. May I have the pleasure of this dance?’
‘Certainly,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘And I’ll bet that this year,’ Selby thought as he peeked into the DIRT box at the piles of shoes, clothing and lots and lots of loose money from people’s pockets, ‘the Charity Ball raises more money than ever before!’
SELBY’S DOZE CODE
‘These child-proof medicine bottles are getting harder and harder to open,’ Mrs Trifle said, struggling with the top of an aspirin bottle. ‘This one’s not just child-proof, it’s absolutely adult-proof.’
‘The problem is that little kids are getting smarter and smarter and medicine bottle makers have to come up with trickier and trickier tops to keep ahead of them,’ Dr Trifle said.