“The letter?” Billy laughed. “Well damn, I’m sure sorry I missed what was apparently a very romantic night. But I was out like a sunset. Reckon I drank like ten beers and five shots. But I sure think that I would have remembered you…”
“How would you have remembered me, sunshine? We just met.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m Jane Garrett, pleasure to meet you.”
“You just met me? Well…well…excuse me for being rude, but what gives you the right to be in my house?”
“The law, silly. I’m your new wife.”
“…”
Billy opened his eyes in shock. He did a double take, then a triple take, then started rubbing his eyes like he were five years old and someone just brought him a mountain of ice cream.
“Wait, wait, wait. Go back. Now…something doesn’t seem right here.”
“Oh?”
“You’re my new wife?”
“Yeeee that’s how I understand it, mister.”
“Did we get married? I know I wasn’t that drunk.”
“No, sugar. But you’re very cute pretending like you don’t know.”
“I really don’t know, I really don’t. Maybe you can give me an idea?”
“I’m your mail order bride. Jane Garrett, pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
“But I didn’t buy no mail order bride.”
“Oh yes you did, boy. I got the letter last week and they said it was a done deal if I came by horse as soon as possible. Believe me, with the options I had this was a good deal. And you ain’t so bad looking, though you probably could use a shirt. For a first meeting you know. I like the formality.”
“Naw, naw,” Billy said shaking his head and seeing a dozen shades of red. “This is not going to happen.”
“What?”
“I can’t believe he would do this to me.”
Billy stormed out of the house and ran next door eager to talk to his matchmaking father. He banged on the door and huffed and puffed like he was fixing to give birth.
Sheriff Jameson wasn’t home but his mother Helen answered the door. “Boy, why you walking around with clothes on?”
“What the hell did daddy do?! I have a woman in my house who claims she is my mail order bride?!”
“What?”
“Yeah! She’s moving into my house!”
“Did you get drunk…”
“No! I mean, yes, I did get drunk. But this is something else. Dad warned me he was going to punish me. And then lo and behold, some crazy woman’s in my house claiming to be my wife!”
“Oh Lord have mercy. You know your father is such a prankster sometimes.”
“This is not a prank!” he screamed. “This is over the line. This is way passed the line! What am I supposed to do with her?”
“I don’t know. Is she ugly?”
“Is she…what? That’s not the point, mom.”
“Mmmm,” I see, she said with a smirk. Rest assured, if the girl was ugly he would have said so. And he probably would have even made a bigger stink about it than he was.
Yeah that was Sheriff Jameson’s way. Like father like son. He was a prankster and raised a prankster. And he believed sometimes a good prank was a great way to teach a lesson.
Billy stormed back inside the house and stewed. He was so mad at his father and so perplexed by the sudden appearance of this woman who thought she was his wife. He had awoken in bed with women before, oh sure, but the idea of waking up half naked to a woman he never laid eyes on before—and who suddenly owned half of everything he had—was the cruelest prank of all.
“Look don’t get too comfortable here,” he said straightly.
“You going to put clothes on or walk around here like a bull all day?”
He sighed, growled…and then grabbed a shirt which he quickly threw on, not bothering to button it.
“Look, I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’m sorry you were counting on this. But it’s not going to happen. Billy Jameson isn’t the marrying type.”
“Well, hold on now. What are you so upset about?”
“Because, I don’t need no one to marry me. All right? I’m the bad ass horsemen of this tiny town. I’m the outlaw. I’m a bad seed.”
“Well according to the catalog that matched us together, you were just a shy boy who had never been with a woman before. You saying that’s not true?”
He groused. “No, that’s not true. I’ve been with plenty of women. I know how to make a woman happy, very happy…”
He met her eyes until she lifted her eyebrows in awkward acceptance.
“Okay, honey. If that’s what you want on your tombstone you go right ahead and say that.”
He shook off his annoyance and began gesturing wildly, trying not to hurt the poor girl’s feelings but determined this sham marriage was not going to happen. “Look, my father used you in a plot. I’m sorry he disrespected you like that. I’m going to get this marriage annulled.”
“Well, Billy, the fact of the matter is that the strange way your father shows respect is a way I’ve not been accustomed to all my life.”
“What do you mean?”
“Usually when a girl is disrespected she is robbed of all dignity. Beaten, disgraced, humiliated. Seems all your daddy did was give you a chance. And give me a chance. And you kindly explaining to me the misunderstanding as politely as you did, well, that’s quite an impressive display of gentlemanly manners.”
“I still don’t get what you’re saying.”
She laughed. “It means, you big oaf, you seem like a very nice man. And it’s a shame we’re so incompatible that you just want to hurry up and divorce me like an old maid. I guess you’re only used to dating really pretty girls, huh?”
“Well…” he said, scratching his head, still trying to fathom the strangest day of his life. “It’s not about that at all. It’s about freedom of choice, that’s all.”
“Excuse me?”
“A man ought to know the woman he marries. It’s only fair.”
“I guess I’m inclined to agree with that,” she said meeting his eyes and speaking grimly, a little bit of fire in her voice. “Because I would never wish that kind of life upon you, Billy Jameson. To be treated like a cow or a steer. To have to go live with a man you don’t love, that you could never love, and have to do every last thing he tells you to do. I don’t suppose I would wish that fate upon you, even though I just met you. To have to worry about being smacked upside the head whenever your spouse doesn’t like the way you’re staring or the way you worded things. I don’t suppose you would ever want to know what it was like to say goodbye to your own sibling because of poverty. And to never have the right see your own flesh and blood again because she was forced to marry a man she didn’t love.”
Billy stared at her and fell silent, flinching at what he was hearing.
“I think we ought to know who we marry, for sure. But I just wish life were fair in that way that it let us choose. All of us. But I guess happiness is a man’s right and a woman’s dream.”
Billy tilted his head back and forth, trying to think of something kind to say, or maybe just any word to break the tension. But he had nothing.
“Well, if you don’t want to marry a man you don’t love why are you here in the first place, Miss uh…Garrett?”
“Well, I’ve come to look at it from a business arrangement,” she said smiling, getting the funny glow back in her prairie dog little face. “I don’t like you, you don’t like me. But we get married for a while. We share the house just long enough so that I can find a job as a ranch hand. Which is what I do, by the way. And a few months pass and I get established in town. And then when I get enough saved money, I move up north and you can claim a bear killed me.”
“Guess you got it all figured out, huh?”
“Yeah, I love the part about getting eaten by a bear. But believe me, I don’t want to complicate your life, Billy Jameson. I just want a fighting chance, that’s all.
A chance to start my own livelihood. So I’m glad your daddy, sneaky as he is, gave me the chance to try it out.”
“Well…”
“And hey, believe me, I got no qualms about giving you your freedom. If you want to go out and see those pretty girls every night, it’s no business of mine.”
“What? What kind of wife would let a man go running around out at night?”
“Well,” she laughed. “Most men I know actually. They all run around with bar maids and saloon tramps. It’s the respectable thing to do, you know. At least when you do it, you’ll know you ain’t hurting my feelings. Because I sure as hell don’t need a man to love. I just need a place to live.”
“What, you don’t believe in love?”
She laughed, a bit jaded. “Do you, Billy Jameson?”
“Well…I reckon I don’t know what love is, Miss Garrett.”
“It’s Missus Garrett.”
“Is it now?”
“Whatcha’ think? How about we limp along for a while? I stay on my side of the house, you stay on yours. We save up some money. Give the people something to talk about just for laughs. Then before you know it…I’ll be gone. Just like that.”
“Just like that?”
“Yep.”
“Well…all right. I’ll tell you what. Just stay here for now. We’ll play this game for now. But let’s not get tied down to anything. Just temporary, right?”
“Of course, sugar. See you and I are in the same boat. Neither of us crave romance the way most young’ins do. You could say we have a more practical understanding of the way the world works.”
**
Chapter 3
Billy Jameson hated to admit it, but that crazy mail order bride didn’t seem so crazy after all. Strangely enough, he did feel almost instant affection towards her, since she seemed like a well-grounded woman and one who shared his cynical view of the world. He was also half ashamed to admit that she was attractive. She had an altogether different aura about her than any of the easy girls at the saloon. When she spoke she did so with confidence. When she stared someone in the eye it was to make a point, not beg for a favor. He couldn’t quite explain why he found his instant wife so fascinating, but all through the night he couldn’t stop staring at her.
And yes, Billy actually seemed like he was in love with his new wife—the funniest notion of all. The townsfolk definitely “had a cow over it” as Jane said they would. Little towns just loved to gossip and Billy’s mystery wife that came out of nowhere was just the scandal they needed.
“Hey,” Jane said, after downing three shots of whiskey and hardly flinching. She leaned over close to Billy’s face and giggled. “Isn’t this kind of funny? That we’re acting so goofy-eyed in love? It’s like a slap in your father’s face. He probably thought he was yanking your chain. Now you’re sticking it right back to him.”
They both laughed, more than a little drunk after a night of partying. To Billy’s surprise, he never caught Jane staring at him once. She actually seemed more interested in yelling and playing with the bar girls and his no-good-dirty friends than him. It was almost as if…she really wasn’t in love with him.
Billy shook away the strange feeling. Probably a good thing. A sham marriage. A reasonable business arrangement. A practical joke gone awry. There was no reason to bring love into it.
But as he watched her horse around with friends, and occasionally making sarcastic “love” gestures towards her imaginary husband, he felt a sudden pang of discomfort. This is what it would be like; to have a partner, to have a friend, one step above girls who accept free drinks and roll around in the hay if you throw them a few coins.
This must be that weird thing called family that his father once described to him. A sense of belonging, a sense of soul bonding and emotional draw. All he really knew about this nutty woman who showed up and usurped his life was that she was like no other he had ever met.
They drank for a few more hours and then stumbled home. That is, to their “house” where they played husband and wife for purely financial reasons. It was enough to send them both into jitters as they just barely made it through the door and them falling down to the sofa inside.
Billy laughed more moments on in, trading stories with Jane and thinking about how many white lies they must have told under the influence of liquor.
“I think at one point, Mel thought you were a rich city socialite widow. He kept thinking you were paying for all the drinks.”
“Well, see that’s the thing,” she giggled. “You always let them think what they want. It’s more fun that way. If people want to think I’m a rich and powerful woman, why would I correct them?”
“Well, you’re a powerful woman, that’s for sure. Maybe not rich but strong.”
“Hmm,” she said, looking Billy in the eye and squinting.
“What was that look?”
“It’s that same funny look you gave me, dear sir. I just hope you’re not getting too attached to me.”
“Noooo, no ma’am.”
“Good because this is all just an act, you know. Just a purely financial thing-of-a bob.”
“Of course, of course. No woman’s going to tie down Billy Jameson.”
“Well no man’s good enough for Jane Garrett. So let’s drink to that.”
They both clinked imaginary classes and smiled.
“Although one gets to wondering…” Billy said with a sly smile.
“What you got on your mind, boy?”
“Well you know, we both made it clear what we think about love. But there is always the opposite of love. That lowdown dirty thing a man and woman are capable of doing behind closed doors.”
“Ohhhh,” she said staring back at him and sneering. “I know where your mind is going.”
“I’m just proposing a perfectly reasonable scenario for our unusual situation. Neither of us are attached. But we DO become attached under the covers. And I must say, without the influence of alcohol…though it helps…you were easily the prettiest woman in that whole building tonight.”
“Aww, you think so?” she said, touching her cheek and blushing.
“So what do you say we just kiss and see what happens? No pressure, no promises. Certainly no intent on feeling anything romantic.”
“Of course not!”
“But still…just to say we gave it a try. We can kiss once and see how it feels. Because Missus Garrett-Jameson, I do declare you have a very beautiful smile. And your lips are very tempting.”
“You are such a charmer!”
“I can’t help but speak the truest thoughts of my heart.”
“Well, Mister Jameson, the problem is, I don’t have any special ‘mixes’ that will protect me from the inevitable problem.”
“Oh I see…” he said unsurely. “Well, all I offered was a kiss and I don’t expect that lip to lip contact is a risk of pregnancy, not as I understand sex anyway…”
“Yeeeah but…” she said with raised eyebrows, “Something tells me once you get a taste of it, you’re going to have a hard time slowing down. I know how cowboys think, you see. And they usually don’t think with the head up here.”
“Come on, you can trust me. I’ll know when you stop.”
“Hmmm,” she said. “I don’t know about a kiss. Sometimes a kiss means a lot more than a kiss. But I’ll tell you what…”
“What?”
“Have you ever been to a house of ill-fame?”
“Well of course,” he said with a smile. “The girls at the saloon all know my name.”
“Yeah but sugar,” she said, squinting her eyes. “I mean not like a saloon house with easy women and drinks. I mean a real parlor. A brothel of painted ladies.”
“Well…” he said uncertainly. “To tell you the truth, I never really had to go to one of those houses. There were plenty of women at the saloons who were like putty in a man’s hands after a few drinks and a few presents. That’s the kind of thing a fellow does when he’s alone and has no othe
r options.”
“Yeah…because I was wondering just how much you knew about what men and women do to each other. Outside of matrimony.”
“Outside of matrimony.”
“Outside of matrimony? I don’t follow you.”
“I’m guessing you’re a breast man, Billy Jameson. Being the kind of good old boy you are in a small town.”
“Well,” he said with a grin, “I can’t complain about the luscious female form. No ma’am.”
“And since daddy taught you about loving from his old married arsenal of tricks…I’m guessing you only know how to make love to a woman the old fashioned way.”
“Well, damn, wife of mine!” he said with laugh. “When you say it like that. I’ll just so have you know, I happen to enjoy a lot of different positions, shall we say. And of course my favorite is reverse cowgirl, for obvious reasons. Riding the buck, now doesn’t that sound scandalous.”
“Well let me teach you a little trick I learned in the old country. When a woman gets excited, and I do mean really excited…”
“Uh huh?” he said, looking at her intently as she crawled over to rest her head near his lap.
“She starts to desire him. And he she wants him to be as hard as humanly possible for when they move onto bigger and better things.”
“I hear you…”
She reached over and unbuttoned his pants, making eye contact with him and smiling.
“She desires to know him and to know every part of him. Especially his manhood. A man’s penis is like his favorite gun, you know. If he knows how to use it right it can be a killer.”
“I’ll say,” he laughed, smiling as she unzipped him and searched for his growing penis.
She pulled it out and admired his size; a solid ten inches, circumcised and steadily growing the more she gently squeezed at the shaft.
“But if it’s unloaded it can be just the most useless thing in the world,” she said crawling closer so that she lay down on her stomach, right on top of his lap.
“Well yeah…but what are you…”
“What am I what?”
“Aren’t you going to climb on top of me…”
“Just sit back and relax.”
She smiled at him and then closed her eyes, taking his stiff cockhead into her mouth.
The Highlander's Mail Order Bride (Scottish Highlander Romance) Page 21