by Cory O'Brien
that it wraps around and he is actually a good husband?
Anyway, Hera finds out about this latest sexcapade
and instead of divorcing her husband
she decides to prank him.
So she goes down to Earth and finds Semele
and she’s like “Hey, I’m Zeus’s wife.”
and Semele is like “AAAAH DON’T KILL ME”
and Hera is like “Hahaha I’m not going to kill you.
I am fine with my husband’s infidelity for some reason.
In fact I just wanted to let you know
that he and I have WAYYYY better sex than you and him.”
And Semele says “I dunno, man we have had some pretty epic boner adventures.”
And Hera says “Oh honey, you don’t even know.
Next time you two are doing the horizontal monster mash
ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it to ME.”
So Semele says “Hmm, okay
you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives for telling me this.
I’ll do it.”
So next time she and Zeus get busy
she is like “Hold on there, bad boy
make love to me like you make love to your WIFE.”
and Zeus is like “Aww man, way to kill the mood.
Look, if I did that, you would explode.”
and Semele, thinking that he is speaking figuratively
is like “Come on, handsome, I can take it.
and anyway, I totally won’t believe you’re Zeus unless you do this.”
and Zeus is like “WHAT? NO, I’M TOTALLY ZEUS WHO SAYS I’M NOT?”
and he turns into lightning
and sets her on fire
and she explodes
and Zeus is like “Aww dammit
I knew this was gonna happen.
Now I gotta save the baby I was keeping inside of her
especially since I’m pretty sure my wife is gonna try and eat it or something.”
so Zeus grabs the baby
as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse
and he thinks real fast and sews it up in his thigh
and then after a few months of walking VERY awkwardly
and avoiding his wife even more than he already does
he goes and hides in a cave
and gives birth to this baby out his thigh
and this baby is none other
than Dionysus
the god of drinking so hard you wake up with TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT.
And later
when Dionysus grows up
he goes and frees Semele from Hades
and makes her a goddess
with a different name for some reason
(Thyone)
maybe so Hera won’t go catfight her ass.
So basically what this story teaches us
is that when you are having sex
you should never be lightning
but that’s not the last tomfoolery Dionysus finds himself in the middle of.
Oh no, my friends.
Read on . . .
KING MIDAS IS: GOLDFINGER
So one day, Dionysus wakes up from a drunken stupor to find his foster father missing.
This surprises no one
because, see, Dionysus would not stand for having a foster father
who was not some kind of alcoholic satyr
and so naturally the two of them just get shitfaced like all the time
and Dionysus doesn’t even need to worry about being hung over at school
’cause his alcoholic foster father IS ALSO HIS SCHOOLMASTER.
His name is Silenus, by the way. He’s awesome.
Anyway, Dionysus wakes up one day and Silenus is not there
because he got real hammered and passed out in a rose garden
which happened to belong to this king named Midas.
Now, Midas is a pretty good king
and I will tell you why:
It is because when he finds some drunk satyr passed out in his rose garden
he does not get all butthurt about it and call the guards.
No, he invites the guy inside and makes him some sandwiches
and lets him crash on his couch for TEN DAYS while he nurses his epic hangover
at which point he gives him a ride home to Dionysus’s place
and Dionysus is all “NICE YOU BROUGHT MY DAD BACK.
Do you want a beer?”
And Midas is all “No thanks, man, I gotta drive home.”
And Dionysus is like “Well, I want to do something to thank you
but all I’ve got are these beers and these wishes.”
And Midas is like “I WISH FOR EVERYTHING I TOUCH TO TURN TO GOLD.”
and Dionysus is like “DONE.”
And then he and his dad go off to get trashed again
and probably get lost and end up granting some more ridiculous wishes
because that is how they do.
Anyway, Midas gets home and is like “GENTLEMEN
PREPARE ME A MARVELOUS FEAST.”
And he sits down at his ludicrous feast table
and he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton
but before he can put it in his mouth
IT TURNS INTO GOLD
and he is like “OH NO.
Well, at least I can still get drunk.”
And he picks up his wineglass
which turns to gold, obviously
and he downs his wine
except that when it goes into his mouth it also turns into gold
and probably chokes him.
Maybe he even throws up in his mouth a little
but if he does
that shit TURNS TO GOLD.
AWESOME.
Actually I’m not sure what’s keeping all of Midas’s organs and bodily fluids
from turning his body into a California Gold Rush of suffering
but thank gods for the little things, right?
Anyway, King Midas is pretty hungry and thirsty
and he can’t think of anything to do about this shit
so he goes into his house and just starts turning everything into gold
because gods dammit
if he’s gonna starve to death
at least he is gonna starve to death in a weird gold house
and he gets so caught up in doing this
that he does not notice his daughter come into the room
and his daughter loves him so much
that she just wants to surprise him with a BIIIIG HUG
only she is the one who gets surprised
’CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLD
not just her ass either
her whole body, and also her clothes.
Also, she is not the only one who is surprised
Midas is pretty surprised too
because he has just accidentally killed his daughter
but also made her like a billion times more valuable.
Seriously, who needs kids when you have solid gold statues of your kids?
But Midas doesn’t see it that way
because he has some kind of weird parent thing.
So he starts crying
and his tears probably turn into gold
which is incredibly uncomfortable
and just makes him cry more
but finally he gets ahold of himself and he’s like “HEY DIONYSUS
COME FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME.”
and Dionysus is like “What? Oh shit.
What have you done, man.
What is it with you mortals always starving to death and petrifying your daughters?”
Okay, well, I guess what you can do
is go bathe in this river called Pactolus
and that will solve your problems.”
so Midas does that, and it takes away his superpower
while simultaneously turning all the sand in the river gold
but does nothing to fix the fact
that Midas’s daughter is made of gold
which was kind of the most important thing but whatever.
So you know how when you’re eating a food you really like
and then you get the flu
and you vomit nonstop for like nine whole days
and then suddenly you do not like that food anymore?
Okay.
So imagine your favorite food is gold
and instead of an upset stomach
your daughter is dead.
Now you understand how Midas feels.
So he turns into a filthy gold-hating hippie
and abandons his entire kingdom
and becomes a follower of this god named Pan
who is a satyr and is in charge of playing music on some pipes
and Midas gets taught to play music by Orpheus
who I will totally tell you about later
because he is SO SWEET.
So then one day Pan is talking shit about Apollo the god of guitar riffs and prophecy
and saying how he can totally play better music than that guy
so Apollo shows up and is like “Bring it.”
and Pan definitely brings it
and Midas is all clapping his hands and singing along
but then Apollo just plays a SINGLE POWER CHORD
and this power chord is so legit that the judge just immediately gives him the win
But Midas is like “Dude, he didn’t even play a song.
Try not to choke on that dick, guys.”
and Apollo is all “I’LL TEACH YOU TO LISTEN TO MUSIC CRITICALLY.”
and BAM
Midas suddenly has donkey ears.
He gets super-embarrassed and hides his ears under a massive turban all the time
but of course his barber knows his secret
because even as a filthy hippie Midas is too regal to cut his own hair
and he swears the barber to secrecy
but the secret is TOO GREAT AND IMPORTANT FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR
so the barber does the only sensible thing
which is to dig a hole in the ground and whisper the secret into it.
But then a bunch of reeds grow out of the dirt and start whispering the secret everywhere
like “KING MIDAS HAS DONKEY EARS”
even though it is totally none of their business.
All of which just further proves the old adage:
Mo’ money
mo’ problems.
TIRESIAS IS TWICE THE MAN/WOMAN YOU’LL EVER BE
Let me introduce you to the baddest prophet around.
His name is TIRESIAS.
So besides having an awesome name
Tiresias is this guy who was out hiking one day
and he sees these two snakes doing it
and so he just goes “WHAT?
I DON’T WANNA SEE NO SNAKES DOIN’ IT UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN.”
and just runs up and beats them to death with his trusty walking stick
LIKE A BADASS.
Now that’s all well and good
but apparently Hera was REALLY excited about seeing these snakes do it
because then she gets REALLY pissed
and says “SO YOU LIKE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SNAKES, HUH?
WELL HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU
. . . into a woman for some reason.”
So bam, Tiresias becomes a woman for seven years.
He doesn’t treat it as a punishment basically at all
and in fact he just shits right into Hera’s hands
by becoming the best prostitute the world has ever seen.
S/he invents so many new sex positions
that they have to revise gravity to accommodate them.
It is that kind of party.
So after seven years of awesome loveless sex
Tiresias is wandering through the mountains again
and he/she sees two snakes doing it
and just says “Fuck it” and runs up and beats them to death again
at which point Hera kind of sighs
and realizes that she is not going to teach this motherfucker anything about anything
and turns him back into a man
because if you are going around beating the shit out of reptiles
what are you, if not the ultimate man?
CUT TO A FEW WEEKS LATER.
Zeus and Hera have kind of an argument
which is not unusual for them.
The argument is about who enjoys sex more:
dudes or chicks.
Hera says it’s gotta be dudes
presumably because she has never enjoyed sex with her awful cheating husband
and Zeus says it’s definitely gotta be chicks
presumably because he has a hyperinflated sense of his own sexual prowess
so the two of them yell at each other and throw lightning for a while
until finally they’re like “Wait a second
we totally know a dude who has also been a chick
and has had SCADS of sex as both types.
Maybe we should try asking him?”
So they go hit up Tiresias like “Yo
who has sexier sex, dudes or chicks?”
And Tiresias is like “OH MAN
I thought you would never ask.
Now, I have had some sex in my day
I’ve played naked Twister and Boner Bingo
and all the different kinds of Yahtzee
but I’ve gotta say
when it comes to chicks and dudes
I actually figured it out mathematically
and it turns out chicks enjoy sex exactly NINE TIMES MORE THAN DUDES.”
And Zeus is like “HAH!
I TOLD YOU, HERA!
JUST BECAUSE I PUT NO EFFORT INTO OUR SEX LIFE
DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE IS THE NORM.”
And Hera is like “GODS DAMMIT, TIRESIAS
MY HUSBAND DID NOT NEED ANOTHER EXCUSE TO NOT TRY IN BED.
LET’S SEE HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY SEX
WITHOUT YOUR EYESSSS.”
and Tiresias is like “Well, actually the eyes are not erogenous zones so . . .
OH SHIT, I’M BLIND NOW.”
And Zeus is like “Hera, why you gotta be like that?
Is it because I blackmailed you into marrying me and now I only bang whores?
Because if so then there’s no reason to take it out on Tiresias.
Yo, T-dawg, I’m sorry about my wife, bro.
Lemme go ahead and give you the gift of prophecy to make up for that.”
And Tiresias is like “Okay that works out pretty well actually.”
And then after that he shows up in a whole bunch of stories
and he is always right about everything he says
and no one ever fucks with him because he is psychic and also probably a sex god.
So the moral of this story is for the fellas.
Fellas
before you complain that pleasing your lady is too difficult
try walking a mile in her boobs.
And as long as we’re talking about things Tiresias did . . .
NARCISSUS PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE JUST LEARNED TO MASTURBATE
So this story begins, like all good stories, with a hot nymph.
She’s blue
literally, her skin is blue.
That’s not really important to the story I’m just giving you all the facts.
Anyway, one day she’s out near some river
and the local river god Cephisus
who no one has ever heard of
is like “Maybe if I rape this nymph the other gods will take me seriously.”
So he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling her with his winding streams
(wink wink)
and then at that point she really has nothing to do but get seduced
so they have a kid.
This kid is named Narcissus.
Narcissus is gorgeous.
Like, imagine if someone could look exactly like bacon tastes
and you have a pretty good picture of Narcissus
(unless you’re a vegetarian).
So his mom is like “Oh snap
my skin is BLUE and I STILL got raped.
What the hell is going to happen to my kid?
He’s not even a year old and already looks like he could suck the red off a fire truck.”
So she takes Narcissus to see the baddest motherfucker in the land
who is of course Tiresias
And Liriope is like “Is my son going to get raped?”
and Tiresias looks up from his work
which is beating snakes to death with a stick whenever they try to get their freak on
And he’s like “Bitch, please.
Kid’s gonna be fine
just as long as he doesn’t COME TO KNOW HIMSELF.”
And Liriope is like “What the hell does that even mean?”
And Tiresias is like “QUIET, WOMAN.
I THINK I HEAR SOME SNAKES HAVING SEX.”
Then he runs off, brandishing his stick.
So Liriope is just like whatever
and Narcissus grows up to be a strapping young lad
so strapping in fact
that by the time he is sixteen
every last person in his town wants to bang the bajeezus out of him.
But Narcissus is like “Sorry ladies/dudes/centaurs
I have unreasonably high standards.”
So basically, no one is happy.
Then one day
Narcissus goes walking in the forest
where bad shit just generally tends to happen
and this nymph named Echo sees him
and of course, being as this nymph has eyes
she is instantly head over vagina in love with him.
There is a problem though
which is that “Echo” is not just some kind of playful nickname
it refers to the fact
that she cannot say anything except for things she has just heard other people say
because Hera got pissed off about how she used to use her silver tongue
to buy Zeus some precious escape time during his adultery runs
and maybe also used her silver tongue on Zeus in other ways.
Would that feel good, even?
A silver tongue?
ANYWAY.
So Echo is stalking Narcissus through the woods
not able to say anything
but I guess she makes some kind of noise
’cause then Narcissus is all “WHO’S THERE?”
and Echo is like “WHO’S THERE?”
and Narcissus is like “NARCISSUS”
and Echo is like “NARCISSUS”