by Cory O'Brien
And Bhairava fills Brahma’s sticky skull with Vishnu’s blood
like “THANKS, SUCKER.
I WAS JUST DROPPING BY TO ASK IF I COULD BORROW A CUP OF YOUR BLOOD.”
And then he dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a skull full of blood.
He dances all over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven
. . . ?
So I guess the moral of the story
is if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party with some women you stole
and eventually people will realize that you can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven.
Excuse me while I go convert to Hinduism.
ANYTHING KALI CAN DO, SHIVA CAN DO BETTER
So we’ve established that Shiva’s a badass
but it turns out that his main job
is to make sure his wife Kali
who is the goddess of having a thousand furious arms covered in knives and murder
doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks and destroy the world
like this one time
where he lies in front of her on the battlefield
or this other time
when he turns into a baby
like “WAH WAH, TITS PLEASE”
and Kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS.
But there is one particular instance of Shiva handling Kali’s shit
that is particularly fantastic:
Okay, so this story begins like all stories about Kali:
Kali just killed a bunch of dudes.
Probably they were demons
but really, who knows?
Anyway, to celebrate
Kali takes up residence in a nearby forest with a bunch of her asshole friends
and starts terrorizing the countryside
stabbing the villagers
then stabbing their stab wounds
then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds
on and on, till the break of dawn
and then after the break of dawn too.
So finally one of the villagers
who is sick of getting stabbed every day
and is also a follower of Shiva
comes running up to Shiva like “HEY, SHIVA
CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US?
WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED.”
and Shiva is like “Dude, can’t you see I am busy ripping tigers in half or something?”
And the dude is like “KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE.
SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN, WHO KNOWS?”
And Shiva is like “Okay, my schedule just cleared up.”
So Shiva shows up in the forest
and Kali is like “HEY, DICKFACE.”
And Shiva is like “Hey, Kali.
We’ve talked about this.
You need to stop stabbing all the time.
This right here?
This is what is known as too much stabbing.”
And Kali is like “NEVER STOP STABBING.”
And Shiva is like “That is in fact the opposite of what I said.
All right, this is going nowhere.
How about this:
We have a dance contest
and when I utterly hand you your shit in the contest
you agree to stop stabbing for a while?”
And Kali is like “OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED.”
So they drag out the boom box
spread out the cardboard
dust off their dopest moves
AND PROCEED TO BUST THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE TEAR-AWAY PANTS.
These moves they are busting?
Guys:
They are ludicrous moves.
Like, remember the dance contest in Pulp Fiction?
This was nothing like that.
John Travolta is terrible at doing the twist.
This is way better.
But finally, Shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE:
THE TANDAVA DANCE
which is just basically a super-energetic dance
and I guess Kali is so tired from stabbing
that she cannot match his dance moves
and so she reluctantly agrees to stop murdering for a couple days and go home.
AND THUS BOLLYWOOD WAS BORN.
So the moral of the story
is that we could end all wars forever
if we just weaponized THE POWER OF DANCE.
GANESH IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY
So Shiva is married to Kali, right?
WRONG.
Well yes, Shiva is married to Kali
but as it turns out
Shiva is ALSO married to this other chick Parvati
who is a gentle goddess of life and stuff.
BUT
as it turns out
Parvati and Kali
ARE THE SAME PERSON
WHOA, SNAP, PLOT TWIST.
Yeah, apparently she can transform between sweet loving life goddess
and unspeakable hurricane of death
for ANY REASON
at ANY TIME.
This is what is known as an exciting marriage.
Anyway, in this story Parvati is busy being Parvati
which is good news for everybody
except for Shiva
because now all the time Kali would have spent murdering and busting sweet dance moves
Parvati spends thinking about having babies
and Shiva is not ready to be a father.
I mean he kind of created the entire universe
but he does NOT want to be tied down, okay?
So Parvati gets sick of bugging him to have a baby with her
and she’s like “Wait a second . . .
I’m a goddess . . .
Having babies in unconventional ways is what we DO.”
So she just goes ahead and makes a baby all by herself
and she names him Ganesh
and then goes to take a shower and tells Ganesh to guard the door
because apparently her sole motivation behind having kids
is to make sure no one sees any naked boobs while she is washing up.
IT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BEEN SIMPLER TO JUST LOCK THE DOOR, PARVATI.
CHILDREN ARE A SERIOUS RESPONSIBILITY.
And of course this is the exact moment that Shiva decides to come along
and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that neither of these people should have kids
because he sees the shower house where his wife is showering
and he’s like “Oh man
what a perfect opportunity for steamy shower sex!”
So he just marches on over there
except instead of getting inside
he gets some impudent baby blocking his path
and Shiva is like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
And Ganesh is like “No, dude. I’m a baby.”
And Shiva is like “WELL THEN
YOU CAN CALL ME
THE GUY WHO JUST CHOPPED OFF YOUR HEAD JUST NOW.
ZING.”
And OF COURSE
this is the moment that Parvati chooses to finish her shower
and she comes sauntering out of the shower house
and sees her husband standing over her dead baby
and she’s like “SHIVAAAA
YOU BRING MY BABY BACK TO LIFE OR ELSE.”
And Shiva is like “Or else what?”
And Parvati’s like “Or else I’m gonna turn into Kali
and you’re gonna have to chase me down and dance me into submission again.”
&n
bsp; And Shiva is like “Hmm. Good point.”
So Shiva sends out some of his dudes
to go grab the first head they find
and bring it back to him
and I guess he has pretty dumb servants
because they come back with the head of an ELEPHANT
and Shiva is like “Guys
I feel like it would have been easier to just decapitate a baby
rather than a full-grown elephant
and also you should have figured out from context clues what I meant.
But whatever, I guess I’ll make it work.”
So he just glues this elephant head onto the dead baby
and that somehow causes it to come back to life
and that is why Ganesh has an elephant head now
and also why he is the god of wisdom
which is bad news for Shiva
because an elephant
NEVER FORGETS.
So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t worry if you accidentally kill your baby
just kill another baby and glue pieces of it to the first baby until it comes back to life.
Works every time
or at least
this one time.
JAPANESE
ARE YOU READY FOR DISTENDED RACCOON TESTICLES?
NO?
WELL, YOU BETTER GET READY QUICK
BECAUSE JAPAN JUST CALLED
AND IT’S ’BOUT TO DELIVER ONE WHOPPER OF A BALLSACK TO THE BRAINPAN.
I think you may find it comforting to know
that Japan was no less strange two thousand years ago than it is today
they did not have the technology to build flying boobs and hand-job robots
but weird shit has always been Japan’s prime natural resource
as the thousand-plus deities in the Shinto pantheon can proudly attest
so have a seat
get comfortable
but I cannot assure you
that what you are sitting on
is not a raccoon’s nuts.
IZANAMI GETS REAL SORE
So where do we begin?
Oh, I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING?
DURRRR.
Okay, so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in Japan.
In fact, there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH.
What the hell were those other generations of gods doing?
Just havin’ orgies not messing with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?
That . . . sounds pretty ideal, actually.
Anyway, after seven generations we finally get our two main characters:
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)
(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything.
It’s not like the entirety of creation is a fancy dinner party.
Just thought it would be a nice detail to include.)
Izanagi and Izanami are probably siblings based on how similar their names are.
(See also: Tweedledee and Tweedledum)
And seeing as this is mythology
their first act is to be like “HEY:
I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER.
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE!”
But since all the gods have just been chilling out having nothing but orgies for millennia
no one even knows how marriage WORKS
so Izanagi and Izanami have to make it up from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense:
Izanagi’s like “All right
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED
and then we’ll be married!”
And Izanami is like “Sounds great!
I mean, normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to
but I guess I will make an exception in this case
because, bro
I am dying to get my bone on with you, bro.”
So they do their crazy marriage thing
and then immediately get down to business
and then suddenly Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby.
BIG SURPRISE, ASSHOLES.
Y’ALL ARE SIBLINGS.
Actually, I want to go ahead and applaud the Japanese
for having the first mythos that accurately portrays the outcome of incest.
Oh wait
I spoke too soon.
Turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE WEDDING.
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK, GUYS.
IT’S UNLADYLIKE, AND THEY WILL BE PUNISHED WITH LEECHES.
So they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut
and then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN.
OW.
Not only is that not a living thing
thus making it even more mutant status than the leechbaby
but just imagine trying to push Japan out your ladyhole.
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story.
Oh, I forgot to say
they bone so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on Earth
which is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE
but even so
Japan is not the last-level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch.
Enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI
GOD OF FIRE.
OWWWW.
This is disgusting, guys.
I am disgusted.
Oh, and that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s dead
but it’s okay
(kind of)
because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods fly out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS.
Is there anything anyone can do in ancient Japan that does not result in more gods?
Answer: no.
So then Izanami calms down a little bit
(he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast)
and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is Japanese hell
and try and get her back.
So he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like “’Sup, gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?”
And Izanami is like “Aw shit, bro
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave.
Here, let me introduce you to my friend Persephone.
I understand she has had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.”
So Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in Yomi for a while anyway
except here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torch
and he sees his wife
and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like “AW HELL NO, GIRL
I was gonna ask about conjugal visits in hell
but I think I need to change my mind
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR.”
And Izanami is like “Come back, bro, don’t be a pussy.”
And Izanagi is like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.”
And Izanami is like “Fine, dick.
How about I kill a thous
and people a day for the rest of eternity?”
And Izanagi is like “Okay, you do that.
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day.
Suck it, uggo.
Or actually, don’t suck it.
I don’t want to come down with a case of maggot dong.”
So I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while
where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes
and they keep doing that basically forever, as far as I can tell
and that’s where overpopulation comes from!
So the moral of the story
is that access to safe and effective birth control should be a human right
because no woman
should ever have to give birth
to Japan.
SUSANOO HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING
So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods
but these guys are nothing but problems.
We’ve got Zeus for starters
(I don’t even wanna open that can of philandering worms right now)
and then there’s Thor
world-champion ruckus causer
but as if those two problem machines weren’t enough
we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you:
SUSANOO
Now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking that SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera.
My friends, I assure you that it is not.
It is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms
birthed by Izanagi one day when he was washing his nose.
So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy
and on his way out he goes to say good-bye to his sister Amaterasu.
Now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms
so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her on his way out
but Susanoo is like “No, sis, I just wanna say good-bye.
Here, let me prove my sincerity to you
by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST.”
So what they do
is they each pick an inanimate object
and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to
because in ancient Japan
causing unlikely things to give birth
is a time-honored tradition.
In fact, having babies the normal way is considered kinda gauche.
So Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword
and she makes it give birth to three chicks
and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes