by Cory O'Brien
He’s like “DUDES:
I can’t create anything ’cause I spent all my attribute points on being a dick
but I CAN infinitely expand anything that has already been created.
So I need one of you guys to dive all the way to the bottom of this water
and get me some dirt to expand.
HEY, CREATOR IT’S OKAY IF I DO THIS, RIGHT?”
And the creator is like “Sure you can make a new world
as long as you use all the material I wasted on the old world.
I don’t wanna have to go out and get a bunch of new dirt and whatnot.”
Man
the Algonquin people have them one LAZY creator.
So Wisakedjak is like “OTTER
YOU’RE SO BRAVE
GO DO IT AND I’LL MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE FISH TO EAT”
so otter dives down
and comes back up with NO DIRT AT ALL
and he keeps trying until he is too weak to dive anymore
and Wisakedjak is like “Wow, dude
I am pretty disappointed in you.
Okay, it’s beaver’s turn.
Beaver, if you bring me some dirt then I will build you a house”
so beaver dives
and I’m pretty sure we all know how that turns out
because it’s not like beavers live in five-star hotels is it?
So finally Wisakedjak turns to the muskrat
and he’s like “All right, my man
I do not have high hopes for you.
In fact my hopes for you are practically subterranean.
But that may actually work in our favor in this situation
so if you make it to the bottom I’ll give you infinite roots to eat forever
plus rushes to make a house out of
and you’ll have, like, a billion babies. Seriously.”
So muskrat dives
and he comes up
and he has
NO DIRT
so he tries again
and he’s gone for a while
and he comes up real tired
and he still has no dirt
but here’s the important thing:
He SMELLS like dirt.
So Wisakedjak is like “Dude, you are so close.
Try one more time.”
So the muskrat dives down
and he’s gone for a LOOOONG time
and everyone is pretty sure he’s dead.
But then they see some bubbles
so they reach in and pull out the muskrat
who is pretty much dead
but he has just a little bit of dirt with him
which Wisakedjak turns into an island
and then they finally get to stop sitting in the water.
So then in the following days Wisakedjak finds some bones
and uses them to make animals
and he makes trees out of some wood
and then the creator waits for him to finish all this work
and then he’s like “All right, dude.
I just decided you don’t get to have powers anymore.
You just get the power to lie like a motherfucker.”
So Wisakedjak just uses that power as hard as he can for ever and ever
starting by failing to ever reward the muskrat
because at the end of the day what worse punishment is there
than being a muskrat?
So the moral of the story
is practice holding your breath
it’s good for more than just weird sex stuff.
KILLER-OF-ENEMIES AND THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF VAGINAS
So this is one of those myths where I almost don’t even need to retell it
I could just transcribe it word for word
and it would just end up looking like something I made up.
Watch:
So there’s this house full of vaginas, right?
Yup.
Just a big ol’ house stuffed full of vaginas.
They have actually got vaginas hanging on the walls
thick as wall scrolls in an otaku’s cave.
My friends, this is the quintessential tunaparty
tacofest
clambake
cervical circus
this place is lousy with vaginas, is what I’m saying.
But the lousiest vaginas of all
are these four girls called the vagina girls.
They are actually just giant vaginas.
Giant, shape-shifting vaginas that look like girls.
Oh, also
there are no vaginas anywhere else on earth at this point.
This place is essentially the Fort Knox of vagina
except the security team is actually just one guy
or actually one monster, named Kicking Monster
whose MO is to roll up on any poor jerk who enters the vicinity
and kick him INTO THE HOUSE.
This is not how guards work usually
but hey
no one who gets kicked into the house ever leaves
so Kicking Monster must be doing something right
although I think that may have more to do with the fact
that this is a house filled with ALL OF THE VAGINAS.
But even despite Kicking Monster
dudes are lining up around the block to take a crack at this vagina house
because let me reiterate
this is a house full of ALL THE VAGINAS
That would be like if someone took all the
well
it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in one house.
I don’t know how to make it any clearer than that.
So dudes keep mysteriously disappearing into this vagina house
until finally this one badass rolls up
named Killer-of-Enemies
Who is much more popular than his little brother
Killer-of-Babies-and-Small-Woodland-Creatures
and Killer-of-Enemies takes it upon himself to fix this vagina problem.
So he kicks Kicking Monster in the nuts and he busts into the house
and here come the four beautiful vagina girls like “OH MY GOD, TAKE US NOW.”
And Killer-of-Enemies is like “That is a tempting offer
but first I gotta ask you ladies
what happened to all the dudes who got kicked in here?”
And the vagina girls are like “Oh
we ate them with our vaginas
which are also our whole bodies
and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp teeth like in a horror movie.
That’s kinda what we do.”
And Killer-of-Enemies is like “WHAT?
THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA.
Look, ladies
I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’
but first you gotta take these drugs I brought with me.”
And the vagina girls are like “FREE DRUGS? COUNT US IN.”
So Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour berries
which are actually just a ton of Rohypnol and ecstasy
and also some kind of tooth-decaying powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth
and the vagina girls are like “OH MY GOD THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD.”
And Killer-of-Enemies is like “Dang, girls I ain’t even banged you yet.”
And then later he totally bangs them
right in their domesticated vaginas
and I guess he probably distributes the loose assorted vaginas amongst the people
and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina teeth or women’s rights ever again.
So the moral of the story
is that people who live in vagina houses
should not get stoned.
RABBIT TAKES SUMMER FUN TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Summer can be a drag
but what if you could solve summer
using VIOLENCE?
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Well, my friends, it turns out you can
as long as you are a mythical rabbit with unlimited reserves of CHUTZPAH.
See, once upon a time the sun used to be even more of a bastard than it is now.
It would take a flying leap off the horizon in the morning
and then spend the rest of the day doing flaming kickflips of disaster off the clouds.
But one day Rabbit decides he has had enough of this nonsense.
He is trying to get his chill on in the shade of a shady oak tree
but the sun is just pretty much PRYING THE SHADOWS STRAIGHT OFF HIM
and then BAKING CANCER INTO HIS SKIN.
Anyway, Rabbit is not about to take guff from some puffed-up ball of superheated gases
so he grabs his gun
and he starts walking.
Yes, of course I can repeat that:
Rabbit grabs a GUN
and he starts walking east, to where the sun lives
so that he can SHOOT THE SUN FOR BEING TOO HOT.
So Rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon
and on the way, he practices
which yes, means exactly what you think it means.
It means this rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon
shooting EVERYTHING.
Rocks
lizards
other rabbits.
Nothing can escape Rabbit’s sociopathic target practice.
But finally he gets to the horizon
and this is before sunrise, you understand
so he’s sitting there waiting for the sun to come up.
But the problem with crossing an entire world while firing your gun constantly
is that it tends to sort of telegraph your future plans
so the sun already knows what’s up
and it responds by rising REALLY FAST and off to one side
which totally fakes Rabbit out
and by the time he gets a bead on the sun it is already too far away to shoot.
But Rabbit is not gonna give up that easily.
This is a dude who is SERIOUS about taking naps under trees.
So he sits there for DAYS
while the sun continues to fake his ass out.
Sometimes it rises to the left
sometimes to the right
sometimes it does barrel rolls and cartwheels
and all this time, Rabbit stays right there
WAITING for the sun to fuck up.
It is terrifying to me to imagine that the sun is capable of EVER making mistakes
but that is exactly what it does.
Maybe it comes up a little too slow or in the wrong place
but whatever it is, Rabbit is ready for it
and he shoots it RIGHT IN THE FACE.
So hooray, right? The sun is wounded and we have all learned a valuable lesson.
NOT SO FAST.
See, the thing about the sun—
and you would think that Rabbit might have considered this—
is that it is a giant ball of superheated hatred that BLEEDS FIRE.
So while Rabbit is busy congratulating himself on his expert marksmanship
the sun is busy bleeding a geyser of piping hot apocalypse all over the world.
Now, Rabbit is not about to pull off the greatest drive-by in history
just to get barbecued by a celestial body
so he starts running for cover
and the first cover he finds is a big tree
so he comes running up to the tree, like “Quick! Tree! Hide me under your branches!”
And the tree is like “Dude, I am a tree.
I am made of wood.
Have you considered hiding under nonflammable things?”
So Rabbit keeps running, asking all the trees to shelter him
and they keep saying no, because they are trees.
But finally, Rabbit manages to con this bush into sheltering him
and then the sun’s fire passes over them
and all that happens to the bush is that the leaves turn kind of yellow forever
which isn’t that bad, all things considered.
But there are real consequences to this cavalcade of tomfoolery.
For one thing, Rabbit is afflicted with a serious case of PTSD
which is why rabbits are total wusses nowadays.
The sun survives the ordeal somehow
But it’s hard to do your job
when you’re worried someone is gonna shoot you every time you clock in
which is why the sun rises really slowly and cautiously now
and also why it is so bright:
It is so that you cannot get a good bead on it with a sniper rifle.
So the moral of the story
is that we don’t need to worry about global warming
as long as we have guns.
The end.
THE MOON IS MADE OF MEAT
So there’s this place in Idaho or Montana or something, and it has no moon.
Everyone hates it , because how are they supposed to have sexy late-night disco parties?
Electricity has not been invented yet, my friends.
This is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO.
So everyone gets together and they’re like “Guys we need a MOON.
Then we can truly boogie
ALL NIGHT LONG
without someone tripping and putting his face through a disco ball like LAST TIME.
I mean, whose bright idea was it to bring a disco ball to a party WITHOUT ANY LIGHTS?
But okay, let’s see . . . What do we have a lot of that we’re not using?
Oh, that’s right.
ANIMALS.”
So they call up all the animals, and they are like “Okay here’s how it’s gonna be:
One of you is going to crawl up into the sky
and curl up into a ball and reflect sunlight at us while we boogie
ALL NIGHT LONG.”
And Fox
who is dumb and eager to please
is like “OH MAN, GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST MOON.”
So he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a ball
and he starts reflecting the PANTS off that sun
which is quite an achievement because I didn’t know the sun wore pants.
But here’s the problem, my friends:
Fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB.
It’s like straight-up daylight all over the place.
Everyone caught with their wangs out on the dance floor
totally embarrassed.
So everybody’s like “Sorry, Fox
but we need a little more mood lighting for this sexy party we’re having.
Gonna need you to step down from the sky.”
And Fox is like “Aww, okay.”
And then Raven is like “OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE.
NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN BLACKLIGHT.”
So raven flies up there and balls himself up
but as everybody but Raven already knows
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting sunlight
so pretty soon everyone is right back to putting various parts of their anatomy through disco balls.
DID YOU KNOW: Disco balls are not actually in this story and I am just making that part up.
Anyway, everybody gets their shit straightened out and cleans all the blood off their faces and wangs
and then they’re like “Okay, Raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff.”
So Raven slinks back down to earth, all humiliated
because at least Fox only got fired for being too GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move.
He shows up like “GUYS, LOOK AT ME.
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR.
THIS IS ON
E JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING IS TOTALLY OKAY.”
And everyone is like “Well, we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric, but okay.”
So Coyote gets his ass up in the sky and curls into a ball
and it’s perfect, it’s great.
Everyone is dancing up a storm
but not a literal storm.
(That would be bad and probably interrupt the dancing.)
No, this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits.
It’s great. You would have loved it.
But then Coyote gets all bored
’cause this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his privileged position up in the sky
to get all up in everyone’s business.
He’s all peeping in the ladies’ windows
like “HEY, EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE STAR-GROPE.
COME LOOK.”
And everyone comes and looks
except for Susan, who doesn’t come at all
because a screaming busybody moon is the ultimate mood killer.
Coyote also uses his moon powers to keep homeless guys from stealing food and to cheat at cards.
So everyone gets pissed off, and they decide to fire him.
But he’s like “HAHA, YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME.
I’M THE PERFECT COLOR.”
and everyone is like “Dude
there are pretty much a hojillion animals with the same color fur as you.
Case in point: Rabbit
and Rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either.”
so they send Rabbit up to be the moon
and Rabbit ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing
FOREVER.
And that is why Coyote is always howling at the moon.
It’s because he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time.
So the moral of the story
is that we should seriously consider firing the moon
because I didn’t know we could do that
and I bet we have the technology now
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some dumb rabbit.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN
So first, a quick disclaimer:
Throughout this section, I’m gonna be calling the United States of America “AMERICA”
and you are going to deal with this
because America is just flat out easier to type than “The States”
or “The U.S. of A.”
or “That Big Basket of Jerks under Canada”
But second off, don’t you think it’s weird
that of all the myriad ethnic groups we have shoehorned together in this wide western world of ours