Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by Cory O'Brien

  He’s like “DUDES:

  I can’t create anything ’cause I spent all my attribute points on being a dick

  but I CAN infinitely expand anything that has already been created.

  So I need one of you guys to dive all the way to the bottom of this water

  and get me some dirt to expand.

  HEY, CREATOR IT’S OKAY IF I DO THIS, RIGHT?”

  And the creator is like “Sure you can make a new world

  as long as you use all the material I wasted on the old world.

  I don’t wanna have to go out and get a bunch of new dirt and whatnot.”

  Man

  the Algonquin people have them one LAZY creator.

  So Wisakedjak is like “OTTER

  YOU’RE SO BRAVE

  GO DO IT AND I’LL MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE FISH TO EAT”

  so otter dives down

  and comes back up with NO DIRT AT ALL

  and he keeps trying until he is too weak to dive anymore

  and Wisakedjak is like “Wow, dude

  I am pretty disappointed in you.

  Okay, it’s beaver’s turn.

  Beaver, if you bring me some dirt then I will build you a house”

  so beaver dives

  and I’m pretty sure we all know how that turns out

  because it’s not like beavers live in five-star hotels is it?

  So finally Wisakedjak turns to the muskrat

  and he’s like “All right, my man

  I do not have high hopes for you.

  In fact my hopes for you are practically subterranean.

  But that may actually work in our favor in this situation

  so if you make it to the bottom I’ll give you infinite roots to eat forever

  plus rushes to make a house out of

  and you’ll have, like, a billion babies. Seriously.”

  So muskrat dives

  and he comes up

  and he has

  NO DIRT

  so he tries again

  and he’s gone for a while

  and he comes up real tired

  and he still has no dirt

  but here’s the important thing:

  He SMELLS like dirt.

  So Wisakedjak is like “Dude, you are so close.

  Try one more time.”

  So the muskrat dives down

  and he’s gone for a LOOOONG time

  and everyone is pretty sure he’s dead.

  But then they see some bubbles

  so they reach in and pull out the muskrat

  who is pretty much dead

  but he has just a little bit of dirt with him

  which Wisakedjak turns into an island

  and then they finally get to stop sitting in the water.

  So then in the following days Wisakedjak finds some bones

  and uses them to make animals

  and he makes trees out of some wood

  and then the creator waits for him to finish all this work

  and then he’s like “All right, dude.

  I just decided you don’t get to have powers anymore.

  You just get the power to lie like a motherfucker.”

  So Wisakedjak just uses that power as hard as he can for ever and ever

  starting by failing to ever reward the muskrat

  because at the end of the day what worse punishment is there

  than being a muskrat?

  So the moral of the story

  is practice holding your breath

  it’s good for more than just weird sex stuff.

  KILLER-OF-ENEMIES AND THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF VAGINAS

  So this is one of those myths where I almost don’t even need to retell it

  I could just transcribe it word for word

  and it would just end up looking like something I made up.

  Watch:

  So there’s this house full of vaginas, right?

  Yup.

  Just a big ol’ house stuffed full of vaginas.

  They have actually got vaginas hanging on the walls

  thick as wall scrolls in an otaku’s cave.

  My friends, this is the quintessential tunaparty

  tacofest

  clambake

  cervical circus

  this place is lousy with vaginas, is what I’m saying.

  But the lousiest vaginas of all

  are these four girls called the vagina girls.

  They are actually just giant vaginas.

  Giant, shape-shifting vaginas that look like girls.

  Oh, also

  there are no vaginas anywhere else on earth at this point.

  This place is essentially the Fort Knox of vagina

  except the security team is actually just one guy

  or actually one monster, named Kicking Monster

  whose MO is to roll up on any poor jerk who enters the vicinity

  and kick him INTO THE HOUSE.

  This is not how guards work usually

  but hey

  no one who gets kicked into the house ever leaves

  so Kicking Monster must be doing something right

  although I think that may have more to do with the fact

  that this is a house filled with ALL OF THE VAGINAS.

  But even despite Kicking Monster

  dudes are lining up around the block to take a crack at this vagina house

  because let me reiterate

  this is a house full of ALL THE VAGINAS

  That would be like if someone took all the

  well

  it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in one house.

  I don’t know how to make it any clearer than that.

  So dudes keep mysteriously disappearing into this vagina house

  until finally this one badass rolls up

  named Killer-of-Enemies

  Who is much more popular than his little brother

  Killer-of-Babies-and-Small-Woodland-Creatures

  and Killer-of-Enemies takes it upon himself to fix this vagina problem.

  So he kicks Kicking Monster in the nuts and he busts into the house

  and here come the four beautiful vagina girls like “OH MY GOD, TAKE US NOW.”

  And Killer-of-Enemies is like “That is a tempting offer

  but first I gotta ask you ladies

  what happened to all the dudes who got kicked in here?”

  And the vagina girls are like “Oh

  we ate them with our vaginas

  which are also our whole bodies

  and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp teeth like in a horror movie.

  That’s kinda what we do.”

  And Killer-of-Enemies is like “WHAT?

  THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA.

  Look, ladies

  I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’

  but first you gotta take these drugs I brought with me.”

  And the vagina girls are like “FREE DRUGS? COUNT US IN.”

  So Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour berries

  which are actually just a ton of Rohypnol and ecstasy

  and also some kind of tooth-decaying powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth

  and the vagina girls are like “OH MY GOD THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD.”

  And Killer-of-Enemies is like “Dang, girls I ain’t even banged you yet.”

  And then later he totally bangs them

  right in their domesticated vaginas

  and I guess he probably distributes the loose assorted vaginas amongst the people

  and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina teeth or women’s rights ever again.

  So the moral of the story

  is that people who live in vagina houses

  should not get stoned.

  RABBIT TAKES SUMMER FUN TO THE NEXT LEVEL

  Summer can be a drag

  but what if you could solve summer

  using VIOLENCE?
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  Well, my friends, it turns out you can

  as long as you are a mythical rabbit with unlimited reserves of CHUTZPAH.

  See, once upon a time the sun used to be even more of a bastard than it is now.

  It would take a flying leap off the horizon in the morning

  and then spend the rest of the day doing flaming kickflips of disaster off the clouds.

  But one day Rabbit decides he has had enough of this nonsense.

  He is trying to get his chill on in the shade of a shady oak tree

  but the sun is just pretty much PRYING THE SHADOWS STRAIGHT OFF HIM

  and then BAKING CANCER INTO HIS SKIN.

  Anyway, Rabbit is not about to take guff from some puffed-up ball of superheated gases

  so he grabs his gun

  and he starts walking.

  Yes, of course I can repeat that:

  Rabbit grabs a GUN

  and he starts walking east, to where the sun lives

  so that he can SHOOT THE SUN FOR BEING TOO HOT.

  So Rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon

  and on the way, he practices

  which yes, means exactly what you think it means.

  It means this rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon

  shooting EVERYTHING.

  Rocks

  lizards

  other rabbits.

  Nothing can escape Rabbit’s sociopathic target practice.

  But finally he gets to the horizon

  and this is before sunrise, you understand

  so he’s sitting there waiting for the sun to come up.

  But the problem with crossing an entire world while firing your gun constantly

  is that it tends to sort of telegraph your future plans

  so the sun already knows what’s up

  and it responds by rising REALLY FAST and off to one side

  which totally fakes Rabbit out

  and by the time he gets a bead on the sun it is already too far away to shoot.

  But Rabbit is not gonna give up that easily.

  This is a dude who is SERIOUS about taking naps under trees.

  So he sits there for DAYS

  while the sun continues to fake his ass out.

  Sometimes it rises to the left

  sometimes to the right

  sometimes it does barrel rolls and cartwheels

  and all this time, Rabbit stays right there

  WAITING for the sun to fuck up.

  It is terrifying to me to imagine that the sun is capable of EVER making mistakes

  but that is exactly what it does.

  Maybe it comes up a little too slow or in the wrong place

  but whatever it is, Rabbit is ready for it

  and he shoots it RIGHT IN THE FACE.

  So hooray, right? The sun is wounded and we have all learned a valuable lesson.

  NOT SO FAST.

  See, the thing about the sun—

  and you would think that Rabbit might have considered this—

  is that it is a giant ball of superheated hatred that BLEEDS FIRE.

  So while Rabbit is busy congratulating himself on his expert marksmanship

  the sun is busy bleeding a geyser of piping hot apocalypse all over the world.

  Now, Rabbit is not about to pull off the greatest drive-by in history

  just to get barbecued by a celestial body

  so he starts running for cover

  and the first cover he finds is a big tree

  so he comes running up to the tree, like “Quick! Tree! Hide me under your branches!”

  And the tree is like “Dude, I am a tree.

  I am made of wood.

  Have you considered hiding under nonflammable things?”

  So Rabbit keeps running, asking all the trees to shelter him

  and they keep saying no, because they are trees.

  But finally, Rabbit manages to con this bush into sheltering him

  and then the sun’s fire passes over them

  and all that happens to the bush is that the leaves turn kind of yellow forever

  which isn’t that bad, all things considered.

  But there are real consequences to this cavalcade of tomfoolery.

  For one thing, Rabbit is afflicted with a serious case of PTSD

  which is why rabbits are total wusses nowadays.

  The sun survives the ordeal somehow

  But it’s hard to do your job

  when you’re worried someone is gonna shoot you every time you clock in

  which is why the sun rises really slowly and cautiously now

  and also why it is so bright:

  It is so that you cannot get a good bead on it with a sniper rifle.

  So the moral of the story

  is that we don’t need to worry about global warming

  as long as we have guns.

  The end.

  THE MOON IS MADE OF MEAT

  So there’s this place in Idaho or Montana or something, and it has no moon.

  Everyone hates it , because how are they supposed to have sexy late-night disco parties?

  Electricity has not been invented yet, my friends.

  This is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO.

  So everyone gets together and they’re like “Guys we need a MOON.

  Then we can truly boogie

  ALL NIGHT LONG

  without someone tripping and putting his face through a disco ball like LAST TIME.

  I mean, whose bright idea was it to bring a disco ball to a party WITHOUT ANY LIGHTS?

  But okay, let’s see . . . What do we have a lot of that we’re not using?

  Oh, that’s right.

  ANIMALS.”

  So they call up all the animals, and they are like “Okay here’s how it’s gonna be:

  One of you is going to crawl up into the sky

  and curl up into a ball and reflect sunlight at us while we boogie

  ALL NIGHT LONG.”

  And Fox

  who is dumb and eager to please

  is like “OH MAN, GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST MOON.”

  So he runs up into the sky

  and he curls himself up into a ball

  and he starts reflecting the PANTS off that sun

  which is quite an achievement because I didn’t know the sun wore pants.

  But here’s the problem, my friends:

  Fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB.

  It’s like straight-up daylight all over the place.

  Everyone caught with their wangs out on the dance floor

  totally embarrassed.

  So everybody’s like “Sorry, Fox

  but we need a little more mood lighting for this sexy party we’re having.

  Gonna need you to step down from the sky.”

  And Fox is like “Aww, okay.”

  And then Raven is like “OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE.

  NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN BLACKLIGHT.”

  So raven flies up there and balls himself up

  but as everybody but Raven already knows

  black is TERRIBLE for reflecting sunlight

  so pretty soon everyone is right back to putting various parts of their anatomy through disco balls.

  DID YOU KNOW: Disco balls are not actually in this story and I am just making that part up.

  Anyway, everybody gets their shit straightened out and cleans all the blood off their faces and wangs

  and then they’re like “Okay, Raven

  I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job

  but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff.”

  So Raven slinks back down to earth, all humiliated

  because at least Fox only got fired for being too GOOD at his job

  and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move.

  He shows up like “GUYS, LOOK AT ME.

  MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR.

  THIS IS ON
E JOB SITUATION

  WHERE RACIAL PROFILING IS TOTALLY OKAY.”

  And everyone is like “Well, we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric, but okay.”

  So Coyote gets his ass up in the sky and curls into a ball

  and it’s perfect, it’s great.

  Everyone is dancing up a storm

  but not a literal storm.

  (That would be bad and probably interrupt the dancing.)

  No, this is a figurative storm

  composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits.

  It’s great. You would have loved it.

  But then Coyote gets all bored

  ’cause this dude has some serious ADD

  so he starts using his privileged position up in the sky

  to get all up in everyone’s business.

  He’s all peeping in the ladies’ windows

  like “HEY, EVERYONE

  SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE STAR-GROPE.

  COME LOOK.”

  And everyone comes and looks

  except for Susan, who doesn’t come at all

  because a screaming busybody moon is the ultimate mood killer.

  Coyote also uses his moon powers to keep homeless guys from stealing food and to cheat at cards.

  So everyone gets pissed off, and they decide to fire him.

  But he’s like “HAHA, YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME.

  I’M THE PERFECT COLOR.”

  and everyone is like “Dude

  there are pretty much a hojillion animals with the same color fur as you.

  Case in point: Rabbit

  and Rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either.”

  so they send Rabbit up to be the moon

  and Rabbit ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing

  FOREVER.

  And that is why Coyote is always howling at the moon.

  It’s because he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time.

  So the moral of the story

  is that we should seriously consider firing the moon

  because I didn’t know we could do that

  and I bet we have the technology now

  to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some dumb rabbit.

  UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN

  So first, a quick disclaimer:

  Throughout this section, I’m gonna be calling the United States of America “AMERICA”

  and you are going to deal with this

  because America is just flat out easier to type than “The States”

  or “The U.S. of A.”

  or “That Big Basket of Jerks under Canada”

  But second off, don’t you think it’s weird

  that of all the myriad ethnic groups we have shoehorned together in this wide western world of ours