‘Fab.’ Rach slips into the gap between me and Sally, and links arms with us both. ‘You okay?’ She whispers in my ear as she squeezes my arm.
‘Yep.’ I am. I hadn’t realised until now just how much I’d been dreading this moment. This reminder of the last time Rach and I were dressed in our bridal wear for the final fitting – but last time she’d been the bridesmaid and I’d been the bride. ‘Really fine.’ There’s no empty, sick feeling at the pit of my stomach and it’s because my heart and head have finally come together and agreed that this is all about Rach, and not me. ‘Seeing Andy again made me realise what a bloody escape I had!’ Okay, I might never forgive his shit timing, but he did make the right move. For both our sakes.
‘Oh my God, this makes it feel so real! I’m so excited.’ She giggles nervously, clutching my arm, and I hug her close. And I hope with every bit of my heart that she’s going to be okay, that the secret I’ve been keeping from her for so long isn’t going to destroy everything. Rachel deserves the perfect day, she deserves to be happy, she deserves the perfect life.
‘Oh, Rach, me, too.’ I say the words softly, into her ear. ‘It’s going to be amazing.’ Because maybe if I say it, then the words will come true.
Our dresses fit perfectly, beautiful soft satin sheathes that slink their way down to our ankles. The high, wide neckline makes even my neck look elegant and long, and the cinched in waist somehow makes each one of us look like we have a perfect hourglass figure – even though we are all different shapes and sizes! They’re so classically simple and gorgeous, they bring a glamour that I could never have imagined.
‘We look so ladylike!’ Maddie giggles.
‘And sexy!’ Sally laughs as she spins round, to display the thin straps and plunging V. ‘Clever, eh?’
Debs has indeed been clever. Very clever. She’s given me an elegance I didn’t think possible, and carefully picked out different pastel colours that suit each of us perfectly. The soft green of mine brings out the colour of my eyes, lifts the colour of my hair. It’s so perfect it brings a lump to my throat, and as I look at the other girls I can see that despite the joking, they feel the same way I do.
‘Right, girls, out, out before you start to blub! We don’t want any nasty stains before the big day, do we?’ Debs is doing her best to herd us away from the mirrors and back towards the changing area, and we let ourselves be rounded up.
I’m dying to call Freddie and update him, but instead I send him another funny text. I am a tiny bit miffed that he still hasn’t replied, but I suppose he must be on the train, or a boat, or something. I’ll call him later. When I get home. Reassure him that Louie and I are coping.
The flat is eerily quiet when I get back. It never seemed quiet before, but now it does. I miss Freddie even though that’s ridiculous. I only saw him a few hours ago! And nothing has really changed, has it?
Freddie has never responded to my texts straight away, but I didn’t notice before because it wasn’t as important. We were just friends. That’s it! See!
Except as I scroll back through our exchanges I realise he did. Reply quickly. Almost instantly. And yet, now, after our friends-to-lovers shagathon, there is nothing. Zilch.
This is worse than after the first kiss, when it all got awkward. This is radio silence and it’s making me feel sick.
Maybe he’s lying ill somewhere? See this is the problem when you fall for somebody, suddenly every little tiny absence is magnified into a possible disaster.
‘Oh, Louie, I’m going to have to be a batty cat lady and talk to you! Louie? Louie?’ I rattle the cat biscuits and wait for him to come tumbling in.
Except he doesn’t.
Which is why it seemed so quiet when I came in.
The windows are shut, the door was firmly shut when I got back.
I open every cupboard, root in every drawer and even look behind the radiators.
He’s not there. Then I realise, neither is his bowl, or his food, or his favourite toy.
It’s then I notice the note, left on my pillow.
Taken Louie with me. Thought it would be easier for you! X
I scrunch the note up, hold it tight in my fist. Is this a sign that at the end of the day, all males leave me eventually, even my flaming cat?
Chapter 25
‘Oh, my goodness.’
Maddie is crying. Not just her normal discreet sniffle, but full-blown fat blobs of tears cascading down her cheeks. She hiccups, then blows her nose loudly.
‘Mads, what’s up?’
‘It’s so lovely, so romantic, everything I thought I’d …’ Her voice tails off. ‘So beautiful.’
We are in the chapel where Rachel is going to get married, all together for the rehearsal and acting like a group of nervous virgins on a first date. Which we definitely are not. Virgins. Though we are nervous.
Well, I am. I am very nervous. My stomach feels like its got bats, not butterflies in it.
This should have been me, the next wedding I attended should have been mine. But somebody pressed the fast forward button on my life and we skipped that and we’re here, at Rachel’s.
I close my eyes for a second, fighting for control, scared that I’m about to make an idiot of myself. In my head I can see myself, in my beautiful wedding dress and my throat feels all blocked, and dampness starts to flood my eyes. I shut them tighter, dig my nails into the palms of my hand. But I can still see the image.
I stop, glance up at my groom, waiting where he should be waiting.
Then he turns to look at me, and he smiles.
And it’s Freddie.
I open my eyes with relief, blink away the dampness in my eyes, and breath. Properly. It’s like I’m breathing properly for the first time in ages. I said to Freddie that I didn’t care about Andy any more, and I did mean it, but now I can actually feel it. I’m free!
‘It’s only the rehearsal you daft bint.’ Beth nudges Maddie in the ribs, and she makes a funny mouse noise, totally oblivious to my moment of release. Which is probably a good thing. ‘You’re worse than my baby.’ But she puts an arm round Maddie’s waist and squeezes. ‘It is kind of moving though.’ She sighs. ‘Almost like watching lemmings jump off a cliff.’
‘Lemmings?’ I frown at her.
‘Shush.’ Hisses Sally, but the three of us just huddle closer and carry on.
‘Suicide mission, boom, straight off the cliff.’ Beth does a soaring up motion with one hand, followed by a splat on the palm of the other.
‘Beth!’ I think I may have broken the whisper barrier. I mean, I know I was slightly anti-Michael at the start. But we’re at the practically up the aisle stage now, all done and dusted, and now is not the time and place to declare that marriage is like a suicide mission. ‘They love each other, it’s not like that at all!’
Beth widens her eyes and opens her hands. ‘Just sayin’.’ She’s got her innocent look on, but I know she knows about Michael – and I know she doesn’t know I know, but I feel myself burning up anyway.
Maddie giggles, and Sally glares.
I frown. I’m with Sally, the last thing I want is Beth spilling about the Lexie fling, because nothing, absolutely nothing and no-one is going to be allowed to ruin Rach’s day.
Everybody else turns round and stares.
Michael winks, oblivious to what we’re actually discussing, and his mother pokes him between his shoulder blades. ‘Concentrate young man, you only do this …’
‘Once,’ we all chorus, at a whisper, of course. We are in a place of worship, after all, and we shouldn’t be taking the mick out of the groom-to-be.
But it is funny. Too funny. Probably because I feel on a knife edge, and this is tipping me into hysteria.
I’ve never been thrown out of church before, but this could be my time.
‘They are all full of hope.’ Beth’s tone of voice is dreamy, and for a moment I think she’s had a rethink on the love and marriage thing. ‘All on their way to something heavenly, only to
discover it’s actual heaven, or—’ she pauses dramatically, then lowers her tone several octaves and makes the duh-duh-duh noise of doom. ‘Hell!’ Oops, she is still with the lemmings.
‘Stop it, Beth.’ I punch her arm.
‘Joke!’ She grins at me good-naturedly and I can’t help but grin back. It doesn’t sound like she’s about to drop a bomb into the proceedings, and she is taking my mind off Freddie and the fact he might be stranded out at sea or something.
It is also taking my mind off Andy who has become a bit stalkerish. There have been many texts since the morning at the flat and they are annoying. I’m ignoring them in the hope he’ll get bored.
Up until now, ignoring Andy has not been a problem. But today, he is stood next to Michael and Jack, and I keep catching him staring at me, which is unnerving. I wish Freddie was here, and not lost in the back of beyond. Then we could stare back at Andy in solidarity. Freddie is good at solidarity, and listening to me chunnering on about this wedding, and Coral, and he’s actually quite a good sounding board when it comes to my photos.
I blink. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but he has, as they say, a good eye for colour and form. He’s so much more than a kind-hearted geek who can write computer code, he’s got a sensitive, artistic side, I sigh, and feel all mushy inside as my head is flooded with thoughts of his sensitive fingers and creative moves in bed. Oh, bugger, I can’t be thinking that in church! I will be struck down!
‘Phew, thank goodness that’s over, it was so weird.’
‘Weird?’ I raise an eyebrow and take the glass of bubbly that Rachel is offering, and we sit down in the window seat together. It was our seat when we were younger, slightly hidden away, a good place to share secrets and spy on the grown-ups.
I’d been worried about dodging Andy when we were sorting out lifts back to Rachel’s house after the rehearsal, but Beth had solved the problem by jumping between Michael and Rachel and announcing that all the girls were going back together.
‘I kind of felt a bit panicky in the chapel.’ Rachel looks at me. ‘Is that odd? It’s kind of made it feel real. Up until now, I’ve just been running round planning stuff, but it’s just felt like wedding stuff, not my wedding stuff.’
‘I know what you mean.’ I hug her and try to blink away the memories. My wedding had felt real, which is why it hurt so much when that one text exploded the dream into smithereens. And it’s why Rachel’s day has to be perfect. I won’t let Michael’s past, Beth’s gossiping or Rachel’s nerves come between her and her happy ever after.
‘I am doing the right thing, aren’t I?’
‘What do you mean?’ I look straight into her eyes, which are as damp as mine. ‘It’s a great place to get married!’
‘I didn’t mean the place, I mean getting married. It’s so big, so important. How do I know it’s right?’
‘You know, Rach.’ I keep my arms wrapped around her. ‘You love him, don’t you?’ I try not to let my own feelings seep into my voice.
‘Of course I do.’ Her laugh is strained, wobbly. Then she nods her head vigorously. ‘Of course I do! I’m being silly. Everybody gets last minute nerves, don’t they?’
I hadn’t had last minute nerves. I had been rock solid certain I was doing the right thing, right up until the point of finding out I wasn’t. But I suppose I’d never got this close. This last-minute.
‘It’ll be fine, the real wedding will be fantastic, I know it will.’ I squeeze her.
‘I know, but then everything will be different. I’ll be Michael’s wife. I’ll be a Mrs!’ She rolls her eyes at me, then we grin together.
She suddenly sobers. ‘It won’t change us, will it?’
‘Definitely not.’ I squeeze her into another even tighter hug, blinking away the tears. ‘Never.’ I wonder if it will change ‘us’ though, I mean it can’t not, can it? I’ll be back in the apartment with Freddie and Rachel will have her new home. Different things to do. Couple-things with people like Sally and Jack. Making baby-things.
Adulting-things.
Oh, God, this isn’t why I finally broke my only-friends rule with Freddie, is it? It wasn’t a subliminal message from my brain, saying that I was about to lose my best friend Rach and I had to get back on the ‘date, marry, procreate, die’ wheel, as well, was it?
‘You are going to tell Coral to go screw herself, and sort your career out properly?’ Rachel prods me.
‘Soon.’ I nod.
‘Honest?’
‘Honest.’ More nodding, I’m like that dog in the Churchill adverts. ‘Me and Freddie had a big talk about it, then I made a plan. I know I’ve stuck with her longer than maybe I should, I realise that now, but I needed her, just like I needed you and Freddie.’
Rachel nods, squeezes my hand.
‘It’s been safe, my security blanket as well as a good stepping stone.’
‘But you’re ready to let go?’
‘Nearly. I’m going to prove to everybody, but most of all to myself that I can do this.’
‘That’s my girl.’ Rach hugs me, tears brimming in her eyes. She wipes them away. ‘And …’ she pauses, ‘what about Freddie?’
‘What about Freddie?’ I’m trying to sound casual, but I’m pretty sure the blush is heavy duty.
‘Oh, come on, Jane! Have you even bloody snogged him again, yet? I bet you have, admit it!’
‘Okay.’ I sigh. Take a deep breath. It’s only fair, if we’re having an honest and open discussion. ‘I slept with him.’
Rachel screams.
‘Shhh.’ This is not something everybody should know about.
‘Oh my God!’ She clutches her left boob, then starts pounding on it like Tarzan having a heart attack. ‘He should be here now! I’m going to text him, ask him.’ She’s grabbing her phone as she speaks and lifts it out of range when I try to grab it.
‘Rach stop!’ She stops. ‘There might be a problem.’
‘Problem? Rubbish, don’t you see Jane, you two were meant to be! It was fate, meeting him again just when you did, when you needed him, and—’
‘I think it might have been a massive mistake, the biggest mistake in my life,’ although surely that was Andy and not what happened with lovely Freddie? ‘I’ve not heard from him for days and he’s in the outer Outer Hebrides.’
She frowns. ‘What do you mean, not heard from him?’
‘I’ve texted and texted, and called and left messages, and nothing.’
‘Nothing?’
‘Not since he left. His phone goes straight to voicemail.’
‘Oh, frig. Oh, Jane, that’s horrible. Maybe he’s had an accident and is lying in a ditch somewhere, or,’ she adds quickly, ‘a hospital, or been arrested, or lost his phone.’
I sniff. ‘I’ll go with the last one.’
‘Sugar.’ She puts her hand over her mouth. ‘I didn’t mean to say anything really horrible had happened. He’ll be fine, fine, not dead or anything. Just not able to text. I mean it’s not like him to not text you is it?’
‘Well, it wasn’t before, but that’s when we were just mates.’
‘But I can’t imagine that Freddie—’ She suddenly grabs my arm. Hard. ‘Oh my God, look!’
‘Where? What?’
‘There.’ She nudges me hard in the ribs and inclines her head in the way you think is inconspicuous when you’re drunk but is actually like waving a giant placard in the air. ‘Have you seen who Jack is talking to?’
I look.
He’s standing in the slight alcove of the doors that open onto the terrace, partly hidden by the floor length heavy drapes. A spot even more secret than ours.
‘I still can’t quite believe you broke his arm,’ whispers Rachel in my ear. ‘I bet not many people have wedding photos where the best man is in plaster, do they?’
‘I didn’t break his arm. He fell over.’ I give her a playful nudge in the ribs.
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m beginning to wonder about you!’
‘Who
’s he talking to? Your dad?’ I lean forward a bit, I can’t quite see the other person.
‘No, not Dad! Keep your voice down, look, look!’ She points wildly.
We both lean forward and nearly fall out of our window seat.
‘Bloody hell.’ This snaps me out of my wallowing about the future.
Jack has shifted to one side slightly, and there’s no mistaking who he is talking to. Beth. Their heads are close together, as though they’re sharing a secret. ‘How weird is that?’
‘Very, he’s so not her type.’ Rachel tuts. ‘She better not be trying to bloody wind Sally up.’
This has just crossed my mind as well. Beth loves to needle Sal, who, luckily, isn’t anywhere to be seen at the moment. But what worries me more is that she might be telling him about Michael and Lexie. I feel sick.
‘Oh my God. They’re hugging! She never hugs anybody!’ Why would they be hugging if she was gossiping? She can’t be making a play for him, can she?
‘Ouch.’ Rachel yelps and I suddenly realise I’m clutching her hand.
‘Sorry. But this is wrong. Jack is married to Sal, Jack still lo—’ I stop myself a second too late. I never intended saying this to Rach. Rach is Sal’s friend. They are the fearsome foursome.
‘Jack what?’ Rach is staring at me.
‘Nothing.’
‘You were going to say loves! Jack still loves …’
‘No, I wasn’t! Well, I was, he loves Sal, he’s married to Sally.’
‘You said still loves. Oh, no.’ She puts her hands over her mouth. ‘Jack still loves Maddie?’ It’s a whisper, the kind of whisper that is really quiet, you know when something falls out of your mouth because your brain has just added everything up?
‘I could be wrong, I just, he …’
‘He, what?’
‘At your hen do, when I bumped into him … He was saying he missed her, and never meant to hurt her, and didn’t realise that she didn’t mean it when they split up.’
‘She didn’t mean it? What do you mean she didn’t mean it?’
I study my hands, then finally decide to look her in the eye and come clean. ‘I promised to keep it secret, because Mads really doesn’t want to upset things, or Sal, or anybody, but she told me when we were in Brighton. You know when she was dead upset?’ Rachel nods. ‘She told me she’d done what she thought was best at the time for both of them. She didn’t think she fitted in with his new uni friends, and would mess things up for them, but,’ I take a deep breath, ‘she thought he’d come back one day and they’d live happily ever after.’
Bridesmaids Page 20