“We grew up with your people, but not of them. There’s a training arena in the depths of the palace. We were trained, taught how to fight, to control our beasts. How to kill. We learned how to shift wearing the body armor they made for us.”
He went silent again. The moonlight made shadows across the bed curtains, and she struggled to understand what he was telling her. For a startling instant she saw her life set against his, her easy life, her lavish, pampered life. His harsh and cruel one. The world she knew was suddenly turned upside down.
“And then the years passed, and through that time I worked hard at what I’d been taught to do. I knew nothing else. Year by year, I worked my way up in the ranks. It all seemed so pointless, but at the same time it was what I was trained for, the only life I knew.”
Finally, he reached for her, wrapping his arms around her. “And then I saw you. On your balcony.” His voice lightened, maybe with a smile. “I’d seen you all these years in the palace, but that night, you were grown, a woman. And I fell in love with you, while I was standing there in the courtyard, spending many nights in the shadows, protecting the grounds. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.”
“And you climbed the railing that night...”
He did laugh then. “Yes, I did. It was foolish, reckless...but the only thing I could do.”
“And I’m glad you did.” She lifted her face to his and he kissed her. “I would have been very unhappy if you hadn’t.”
He touched her cheek, ran his fingers across her lips. “But you are promised to another. And I have laid claim to something that does not belong to me.”
“I don’t care...”
He put his finger to her lips. “But others do. And you must be careful that the Ottway does not learn about this. There are things...” He dropped his eyes. “You should ask a woman, someone you trust. There are ways to make him believe you are still untouched.”
“I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t love him; I’m not going to let him climb into bed with me.”
“You’ll have no choice, Senna. He can, and probably will, have you examined by the court physician.”
She sat up, staring down at him. “You’re joking, surely. They can’t...they wouldn’t dare.”
“You’re a princess, Senna. Not some girl off the street, or a servant that no one cares if you come or go. There are expectations, you have responsibilities...”
“But I don’t want them.”
“But you cannot change them.”
She turned away from him. “You sound like my father, like the Ottway...even Anacelia.” Anger flushed through her. It was hard hearing from him what she’d heard from everyone around her, that she needed to do what she was told, that she had a duty to her kingdom. That her life was not under her control.
He touched her back, tracing a line down her spine. She wanted to stay angry with him, to pout and make him cajole her into a better mood. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t act the spoiled princess with Gabriel. She turned, looking at him over her shoulder.
“I guess we’re more alike than I care to admit. Neither of us have our own lives under our own control” She managed a smile.
It was easier then to let him caress her shoulder, to put just enough pressure against her arm to convince her to turn around, to lay back beside him. To let him pull her against him again.
“We are. We both have our lives arranged for us, more or less against our will.”
She knew he was right, but she didn’t want to believe him. It was easier to just rest here, with her head on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart, feel his chest rise and fall with each breath.
“Can’t we just stay here?”
“We can, for a little while longer. I will be missed, and you…you are having breakfast with your father.”
“Nothing is private here.” She blew out a sigh. “But you are right. I have to tell him I won’t marry the Ottway. I won’t.”
“You must. There is nothing else you can do.”
They lay for a long time in silence. Somewhere outside birds began calling, singing their pre-dawn songs. She had always loved the sounds of those birds, but today she hated them. It meant dawn was near, much too near. Those damned birds signaled that Gabriel would leave her. Those birds threatened to ruin what had been perfect.
Suddenly she sat up, a smile tugging at her lips. She knew how all this could end. It was so easy.
“I can’t marry the Ottway.”
He looked at her. It really was getting light out. She could see his face clearly, the dark stubble that ran along his jaw. He was frowning.
“You have to…”
“No, you don’t understand. You said it yourself. I’m not perfect anymore. I’ve been…defiled.” Impulsively she leaned down, kissing him. When she pulled back the smile she expected to see on his face wasn’t there. If anything, his frown had deepened.
“Don’t you see? The Ottway won’t want me. I won’t be his perfect bride. My father…he’ll call off the wedding.”
Gabriel pushed himself up on his elbows. “You can’t tell him…or the Ottway. Or even Anacelia. Do you know what would happen?”
“They’d call off the wedding…”
“They’d start looking for the man who had done this to you. And you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when—not if—but when they found it was me, that would be the end. If I were lucky, they would exile me. But more likely I would be executed.”
“But that can’t be right. You’re Highest Command. You are the top…they’d never…”
He pushed away from her, swung his legs over the edge of the bed. The muscles across his shoulders tensed, as he sunk his face into his hands. “You don’t know, Senna. You live a very sheltered life, here in your rooms, in the palace. You don’t know what it’s like to live by those kinds of rules.” He lifted his head, then turned to her, and she saw pain and despair, and that anger again, in his eyes.
“My life is not a life I can control. But what you’re saying is not just going to affect you. It will be the end of what little life I have.”
He stood, striding to the window, coming to an abrupt stop before stepping onto the balcony. “I’m sorry, Senna. I don’t mean to be harsh with you. But you have to understand you cannot tell anyone about us.”
She climbed out of the bed, crossing the space between them. It felt perfectly natural to be here with him, to be naked and to stand behind him, to feel the softness of her breasts, against the hardness of his back. It was not natural for him to be angry with her. For a moment, he made no move, but then he turned, slowly, and pulled her against him.
“I know you’re looking for a way out of this…”
“But we can run away…”
He shook his head. “No, we can’t. Where would we go? You can’t just disappear. You’re the only princess in the palace. You’d be missed in a heartbeat. I can’t just abandon my post. That is desertion, punishable by death.” Gently he tugged a strand of her hair away from her face, letting it coil around his fingers.
“If I could, I’d move heaven and earth for you, Senna. But we’re trapped in our lives…in our destinies.”
Pain and loss blossomed inside her, angry words rushing to her lips. But she bit them back. He was right. They could not just do as they pleased, either of them. Maybe it was time she grew up. But not quite yet. Not today.
“I love you, Senna. It hurts how much I love you.”
She turned her face against his chest, and let him hold her. And let her anger turn to tears. He let her cry, didn’t try to stop her. But finally he pushed her away.
“I have to go. It’s too late already. People will be awake.”
Nodding, she let him brush the tears away from her cheeks.
“Yes. I know.” She looked up into his face. It was light outside now, very light. “I love you, too. You know that.”
“I do. And I will always love you, no matter where you are…”
“Shush…don’t say that.”
He moved away, finding his clothes, pulling on his trousers. She sat on the edge of the bed, watching. “Will I see you again? The Ottway will send his train for me in a week. Will there be time…”
He stopped what he was doing and looked down at her. “That soon? What happened? What made him change from the original date, over a month from now?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. He wasn’t exactly the best conversationalist. I tried not to talk to him, if I could help it. All he said that I remembered was he was worried about his precious cargo. I didn’t appreciate being called cargo and I stopped listening to him.”
Gabriel stared at her. “Cargo. He sent his train for you, correct? Did it stop along the way, other than for taking on water?”
“Yes, he sent his train. He doesn’t trust anyone, not even my father. He insisted it be his train, his Protectorate…”
“Yes, I know all that. Did the train stop?”
“Well, twice…but I don’t think we took on water at the second stop. It was a much shorter stop than the first. At that stop, I heard clanging and banging, and then the sound of water gushing. But the second was far quieter. No clanging, or not much of it. No sound of water.”
Gabriel was still staring into space. Then, without speaking, he picked up his tunic and pulled it over his head. She’d lost him, but she wasn’t sure where or how.
“I have to leave. Go to sleep.” He leaned down, kissing her with such passion that when he pulled away, she was breathless. And then he was gone, slipping through the arch to the balcony. It was hard to stay where she was, not to rise up and follow him.
She sat for a moment, listening to the sounds of the palace waking up. It was far too early for Anacelia to come wake her for breakfast. Stretching her arms over her head, she yawned. Her body felt used, in the way it had when she was younger, and she had gone riding in the desert. After racing over the dunes on her stallion, and then brushing him down in the stables, her body ached in a good way, all the muscles and bones used and tested, and found strong. She smiled; tonight she’d been used and tested in a different way. And found just as strong.
The bed was still there, waiting, the sheets rumpled, but inviting. She lay down, pulling the sheet over her shoulder, nestling into the warm rich scent she knew was her and Gabriel. The secret smell of sex. Closing her eyes, she let sleep take her, finally able to push everything out of her mind. She drifted off into dreamless sleep.
Chapter Four
Days of begging, pleading, and finally a near tantrum at the last hour had not swayed her father’s mind. Senna was to be sent to the Ottway the following morning. The Ottway would still send his own train, and be on that train with his own entourage. The Princess Senna of Rhibara would not be allowed to have her own Protectorate on board. Only the Ottway’s men would be there, strangers. People she did not know, and certainly did not trust.
She longed to see Gabriel. There had been no opportunity for him to come to her again, like he had before. There had been a whirlwind rush of balls and parties, guests from other kingdoms came to celebrate the marriage. To celebrate that they would not be the ones to send their daughters to the Ottway.
She could handle parties and dances, greeting dignitaries. She’d been doing that since she was a young girl. Her father had placed her in the role of hostess more times than she could count, replacing her absent mother. A mother she didn’t even remember.
Now, at the last minute, she was packing, with the help of Anacelia, and a group of girls from other parts of the palace. None of them had ever been to the upper floors, and they seemed too in awe of Senna to be much help, despite Anacelia’s commands and directives. Senna, lost in her own thoughts, wasn’t much help either. Finally, sensing defeat, Anacelia had sent the girls away.
“Senna, you can’t mope about like this.” Anacelia set a leather valise on the bed. “You have things to do, things to see to. This should have been done days ago.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m being a spoiled brat, aren’t I?”
Anacelia shrugged, the closest she’d come to agreeing with Senna. But with each piece of clothing that was packed, each silk sari or leather corset, each veil, bangle or shoe, it felt like part of her soul was being ripped away. She turned back to her dressing table, to the pile of jewelry she was supposed to be sorting.
“I’m sorry. This is just…” She couldn’t bear to hear herself say—for the thousandth time, it seemed—that this was unfair. She should start to see it as neither fair nor unfair; it just was. Like weather, or the rising and setting of the sun, or the moon, or the circle of the stars in the sky. None of which, she could change.
Anacelia came to stand behind her, her hands resting on Senna’s shoulders. “I know, girl. I know.”
“What did you say? Ignore much, excuse little?”
Anacelia laughed. “Not quite. ‘Excuse a great deal, ignore even more’. You’ll grow wiser with age, and it will be easier.”
“I’ll grow old, and just be old.”
“Senna…such the optimist. You need to find something to occupy yourself there. Does the Ottway have gardens? You’ve always loved your father’s gardens. If you make him give you leave over them, you can spend your time and energy on the earth, making beautiful things grow.”
“Oh, yes. That’s perfect.” Senna held out a beautifully manicured hand. “And getting dirt under my nails and callouses on my palms. The Ottway won’t want me so much then, when my rough hands scratch his tender parts.”
“Senna! Child, what on earth…”
Senna giggled. “You’ve made the perfect suggestion. I’ll stay in the sun all day with no shade and sprout freckles all over my nose. My creamy skin will curdle, and he’ll cast me aside.” She made a face, wide-eyed, scandalous. “Oh…if fortunes are with me, he’ll take a mistress, forget I exist. Or I’ll stop eating and grow thin, lose the curves that men should love.”
“You’ve gone mad. What’s gotten into you?” Anacelia stood, hands on hips, staring at her charge. “You’re over-excited, or you’ve had bad wine. Or something.”
“If I’m not perfect, he won’t want me, correct?”
“Well…” Anacelia frowned.
“You know as well as I that this marriage is political, nothing more. But I can’t think he’s not overjoyed to be getting a fresh young woman for his marriage bed, plump and ripe for the picking.” Senna stood up, striding across the room, skirts swirling after her. It was her last night in the palace; she suddenly wanted to leave with no secrets. A little laugh escaped her lips.
“I’ve been looking at this in the wrong light all along. Rather than a tragedy, I should have been thinking this was a comedy.”
Anacelia’s look grew more alarmed. “You need to lie down, Senna. I’ll get a cool cloth for your forehead.” The woman bustled out of the room. Senna sat on the edge of the bed, swinging her legs. Anacelia returned with a thick cotton towel, leaving a trail of drops behind her.
“Lie down. There, that’s better.”
Senna let the woman fuss over her, let her put the cool towel on her forehead. It did feel wonderful. Maybe she was overtired, giddy with exhaustion. Maybe a nap would be a good idea. Her brain felt hot, feverish. But this was her last chance, probably, to be with Anacelia. And she wanted to share, wanted to tell someone…
“If I tell you a secret, promise not to tell?” She took the older woman’s hand, tracing her finger over the intricate tattoos that ran over the strong hand. “Promise?”
Anacelia smiled. “We haven’t played this game since you were very young. I promise.”
“I’m no longer perfect.” Another wave of giggles threatened to swallow her words. “The Ottway is going to be getting damaged goods.”
Anacelia stared at her. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, it’s more than just freckles on my nose…the Ottway will not be the first to, how shall I say, enter that secret doorway.”
Anacelia’s eyes went wide, her face draining of color. “Senna, no. What have you done?”
“It was not what I did, but what was done to me.”
“Stop speaking in riddles, girl. This is serious.” Anacelia was tugging on Senna’s hand, to the point of pain. “Tell me, what have you done?”
Gabriel’s words came back to her, that she shouldn’t tell – couldn’t tell. But those weren’t his exact words. She wasn’t to tell it had been him.
“I am no longer a virgin.”
Anacelia’s eyes grew bigger, filled with fear. And then anger. “Who? He must be punished. Was it that stable boy? Did he take advantage of you? I knew he should have been flogged…”
“No, Anacelia. Not him. He’s not the one.” Senna sighed; maybe her rush to share this one last confidence had not been well thought out. Gabriel had been right. But it was too late to shut the gate; the camel had left the stable.
“It’s not important who, Anacelia. It’s only important that it happened. Because now the Ottway…”
Anacelia pulled her hand away from Senna, jumping up from the bed. “Senna. You can’t tell anyone this. You should not have told even me.” The woman wrung her hands in the folds of her sari. “I wish you had not.”
Senna sat up, the towel falling aside. To see Anacelia so upset alarmed her. The woman was eternally calm; strict, but calm. This was unexpected, and unsettling. “I trust you, Anacelia. You are one of the only people in this world that I can trust.”
“But, Senna. Whatever you were thinking, or the man…who wasn’t thinking…”
“We love each other.” She stood up, took Anacelia by the shoulders. “That has to count for something, does it not?”
Anacelia looked up at her. Senna saw tears and frustration and confusion—and fear—in the woman’s eyes. “You cannot ever tell, Anacelia. Please.”
Wild Things (BBW Paranormal Shifter Romance): Shifter Lovers Romance Page 5