My cell phone rang from my pocket, and I ignored it. Whoever was calling could wait. I was in no state to talk to anyone. After only a second had passed, it rang again.
“You gonna get that?” Trinity inquired, her eyes catching mine as the sound filled the otherwise quiet cab of my truck.
“Nope.”
“Answer it. They’ve called twice.” She hesitated as the ringing paused and started again. “Three times. Whoever it is, they’re not giving up,” she pointed out in a frustrated bitter voice.
After lifting my body and digging my phone out, I handed it to her. “Will you? I’m driving.”
She glared at me and sighed. “Fine.”
“Hello?” she barely spoke, tapping the screen, and placing the call on speaker.
“Uh. Is Eli there?” Abram frantically sputtered in confusion.
“No,” I stressed the two-letter word, not ready to talk to him yet.
“Dude, I know you don’t want to talk to me. I knew you wouldn’t take my call, so I drove to your house. I didn’t see Bart, man, I swear. Fuck!” he choked out, panting on the other end of the call. “It was an accident. It happened so quickly. He came out of nowhere.”
My grip tightened on the steering wheel, and a ball of anxiety expanded within my windpipe as I forced myself to answer him. “Is he okay?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know where you got this cat, but it is fucking insane. I cannot get anywhere near Bart. The cat keeps hissing and running at me like some rabid opossum or something. I was going to kick it, but I know you would kill me.”
“Alf?” Trinity gasped, panic burying her, too.
“Whatever it is, I can’t do shit with him. I just need you to get here,” he pled in a pathetic voice and I would oblige him, setting our differences aside as they didn’t matter right now.
“We’re on our way,” I frantically spoke into the air and slammed my foot onto the gas pedal, the speed not increasing quickly enough, so I stomped my fury down onto it. “Fuck!” I wailed, and my pulse pounded in my ears. “I can’t lose him.”
20
Trinity
At first, I wasn’t able to move a muscle while riding in the passenger side of Eli’s truck. My clothes were already dampened from the almost jogged pace I used to run away from Eli, but now, they were drenched. Bart was hit by a vehicle, and Eli’s entire demeanor fell. This was his moment, and it would be insensitive to take it from him. But, I needed to know that Alf was okay. I could not lose him, too. The likelihood of me outliving him was slim, but I figured it would be old age to take him, not the same thing that took Armon. I wouldn’t be able to go on another day if that was how he died. Alf was one of the only things left tethering me to this world, and the other was falling apart two feet across from me in the vehicle.
Regardless of every reason to stop myself from touching him, I did not care in this moment. I had to know I was still here living and breathing as silly as it sounded. I would eventually lose Eli, too, but right now, in this truck, he was mine for a little longer.
After unbuckling my seatbelt, I slid my weight slowly over to the middle of the seat and hooked my arm through Eli’s right. It was agony wanting something you couldn’t have, but it was worse intentionally putting yourself in the situation knowing it would be momentary.
“I’m here.” I nodded, swallowing my pride and running from the thoughts threatening to swallow me into the depths of nothingness.
“Thank you,” he choked out so quiet I was sure if I was still in the passenger seat, I wouldn’t have heard him as he sniffed back the tears glistening in his eyes. All the color drained from his face and he kept his eyes fixated ahead of us as we barreled down the road as fast as his truck could take us.
When he flipped his signal light on and turned onto the old dirt road, he took his right hand off the steering wheel and pulled me to his side as if we weren’t close enough for him. We both needed each other, despite how much we’d fought it. Despite everything in the world that told us we shouldn’t be together, we were, even if it was only temporary.
The truck rolled to a halt, and Eli put it into park behind some sleek, black ostentatious car. It only took seconds for both of us to file out of the driver’s side of the cab, and in such a hurry, neither of us bothered to waste a second closing the door. I didn’t have to be calm anymore. I needed to get to Alf, and Eli rushed to Bart.
Bart howled weakly as he lay on the ground, and Alf protectively sat in front of him, staring daggers at the man I assumed to be Abram, since it was the name that had appeared on Eli’s caller ID. Alf hissed, and his hackles peaked to the highest level as he arched his back, warning Eli to watch his step.
“Alf?” I cautiously breathed, keeping my tone as even as I could manage, thankful he was his usual grumpy self. I dropped to my knees and called him, hoping the fact food had surrounded me the majority of the day would work to my advantage. He had always been a sucker for table food. Even though I tried to limit his intake, he always found some somewhere. He was a scavenger…and apparently didn’t hate dogs as much as either of us thought.
His ears flattened against his head, and his tail twitched with irritation. He was not letting any of us get to Bart.
“I have an idea. Can you go in our…I mean, Eli’s house and get his food?” I asked Abram, and Eli tossed him his keys without hesitation.
“The bag is in the kitchen cabinet with Bart’s,” Eli instructed him. Obviously, Abram was someone who had been so close with Eli that he knew the tiny details only a person close would, like where a pet’s food was.
Abram took off, and when he was a good distance away, Alf folded his paws beneath his body and meowed at us, and then he meowed again, beseeching for us to help Bart. Eli and I exchanged a panicked look and rushed to our animals. I scooped Alf into my arms and shoved him into my shirt, in case he changed his mind, to allow Eli the space he needed to assess Bart.
“C’mon, boy. That’s it,” he coaxed Bart in a loving tone, practically lifting him from the ground. Bart’s droopy ears perked up, and he limped in a hurried manner to where I stood, nudging Alf through my shirt with his snout, leaving a wet spot where his nose touched.
Bart barked, and my grip tightened around Alf, which earned a hateful glare from my cat.
“Told you he was a stubborn bastard,” Eli beamed with pride, falling to his knees and kissing Bart on the head, holding him still to look at his right front paw. There was minimal blood on the top of his paw and what looked to be road rash on his right upper shoulder. Neither appeared fatal. I would almost bet money Bart was as scared as Abram of Alf, and it was the only reason he was still on the ground when we got to them.
“What in the ever-loving fuck?” Abram questioned us for answers we didn’t have and dropped the food bowl to the ground, judging how the situation drastically had changed in the little time he had been gone. Eli and I shrugged our shoulders, neither of us having a better explanation than Abram.
“His injuries seem to be minimal, but maybe you should have a vet look at him,” I interjected, feeling like an idiot that I hadn’t told him sooner. I was a nurse. This was what I was trained to do. Of course, my patients usually had considerably less hair, but wounds were basically the same. I had spent the entire day serving people, enduring the food service job I swore I’d never work again when I left Taco Hut when I graduated nursing school. The fact it was the wrong job for me never crossed my mind, but when I saw Alf was okay, my mind immediately went to assessing Bart’s injuries. I was a nurse, whether I thought I was strong enough to be one or not. It came naturally.
“I’ll call Drex,” Abram announced, his fingers briskly moving against his touch screen, and then he walked off to place the call.
“He’s one of the local veterinarians.”
“Oh.” I smiled, and what happened next took me by surprise.
“Thank you.” Eli wrapped me in an awkward hug, and Alf wiggled in my shirt in protest of the pressure.
> I didn’t question it as I had everything for so long. I just let him hold me, and we were there for each other.
* * *
After a quick trip to the vet’s office, we left with the instructions of Bart having plenty of rest and a strong suggestion that Alf “could use a fucking sedative.” Those were the man’s exact words. I somewhat wondered if the man was only claiming to be a veterinarian, but really he was a biker or maybe a sailor. He was unconventional and cussed too much to ever be considered a professional, but the love he had for animals was unmistakable. So, perhaps I judged him a little too fast.
As we took the three steps onto Eli’s porch, I stopped, coming off my high that our animals were okay, and realization hit me hard. I did not have a right to be here. I’d only stayed here last night because I honestly was too exhausted to argue or to figure out a makeshift bed at my own house. Frankly, I wasn’t ready to let Eli go, not yet. I knew it was selfish and what had happened between us was a one-time thing, but I clung to what we shared and let it bring comfort.
“Aren’t you coming in?” Eli asked after he unlocked the door and Alf jumped from my arms and ran into the house. Bart quickly limped behind him. Evidentially, he did not take doctor’s orders well.
“Eli.”
“Trinity.”
“You’re engaged,” I said point blank, feeling like an idiot for having to remind both of us of the obvious. We didn’t belong to one another. That was partially true, he wasn’t mine, but I’d unknowingly given myself to him.
“Am not.” He grinned and teased me in a tone similar to one Armon used with me often.
“Are too!” piped out of my lips in a mocked sound before I could even think about it. I was too busy thinking of how I would have responded to my son to remember I was engaging in war with a grown man acting like a child, not an actual child.
“Nuh-uh.” He crossed his arms, and pure unrestrained humor quipped out of his mouth as it widened in one of the deepest smiles I had ever seen grace his face.
“What the hell?” I blurted out of annoyance and threw my opened palms upward.
“You cussed. Twice in one day.”
“So?”
“So, you don’t cuss very much or touch me. You did that, too.” He’d counted the times I swore and mentioned the panic-stricken moment we shared, but I didn’t understand why any of this held importance. “And you kinda smell like food.” He licked his lips, closing the distance between us in two long strides.
“Have you lost your freaking mind?”
“C’mon say it. Fuck.”
“Fuck!” I seethed in an irritated voice, but not because he wanted me to.
Eli’s body bent, and he held his stomach with one hand and braced himself by putting his other on my stomach momentarily. He then straightened his posture, but did not step backward as I thought he would.
“Truth. I’m not engaged. Jocelyn and I are in love with different people,” he proclaimed, and by the end of his statement, all the humor had vanished. “You sound ridiculous cussing. Do you know that?” He playfully jabbed, trying to make what he said easier to swallow. “It’s like hearing a kindergarten teacher say fuck in the middle of a Dr. Seuss book.”
“What do you mean?” I probed, not sure if I wanted the answer, but wasn’t letting him off the hook with such vagueness.
“Jocelyn is in love with Abram.”
“And you?” My pulse quickened, and I reminded myself I had to swallow to breathe.
He shrugged. “You figure it out.” His courage took me by surprise as his lips pressed against mine with urgency. My bravery to let him didn’t come with any less of a shock.
After the first kiss, there was a second, and third. His hands were in my hair, and my fingertips easily made a path from his lower back to his muscular shoulders. His tongue swiped against my parted lips, and before I could question it, because I would, I widened my mouth with open invitation. We could not get enough of each other, but that wasn’t anything new. The difference now was there wasn’t anything holding us back. Eli had been the only person I had confided in for a long time, and something told me I was the only one he could be his true self around as well.
He wrapped his strong hands around my thighs and lifted me off the porch. I squealed and swatted at his chest. The smile that overtook me was the first I had felt with every fiber of my soul in quite some time. Honestly, I didn’t think I was capable of a smile this unaffected anymore. Of course, I had never quit smiling, but the difference was the thing I watched for in so many of Eli’s smiles. True happiness. It reached my eyes, and I swore the dim room seemed brighter. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing once I started, and the genuine smile to touch Eli’s lips was breathtaking. Maybe it didn’t take other people this long to find someone this significant, but some had to shatter countless times in order for their imperfect pieces to find perfection. I wasn’t sure what any of this meant. It was too new, and I wasn’t anywhere near healed, but I would never fully be. The only thing I wished for was to always remember us in this way, if there was an us after this. Unclouded with stipulations and happy. We would always push each other’s limits, but I think it was what made us an us.
21
Eli
It had been three months, and Bart was back to his usual headstrong self. Alf still acted as if he hated Bart, but when he thought no one was looking, he loved him. It was how Trinity and I were. In the beginning, when we thought the cold world had forgotten us, it was then we loved each other in quiet. Now, my plan was to love her aloud for an eternity if she would allow it. We hadn’t mentioned our feelings since the day Bart was injured, but it was undeniable. Occasionally, I would push the subject a little, just to get a rise out of Trinity, but I never pushed too far. I didn’t want her to bite me again, unless it was a playful nibble and during sex—I was okay with that.
“Tomorrow is—”
“Valentine’s Day,” I interrupted her, fully aware of what she was going to say. I had already ordered a wildflower arrangement and special confetti from an online site to fill the balloons. Trinity had stressed how much she hated roses, but I didn’t know why. I wanted to know and eventually would ask her. I wanted to know everything about this woman. It wasn’t an option. Every new piece of information I gained left me wanting more, and I hoped I always would.
“And, my birthday.” She sheepishly smiled, biting her lower lip, and her skin blushed. That was all it took for my hardness to perk to life. It didn’t take much to turn me on when it came to her. I’d caught myself bursting at the seams watching her ass shake as she scrubbed dishes. She was always the person I was supposed to be with. We both had just gotten a little lost along the way and it took us longer than most to find one another. Now that I’d found her, I never planned to let her go.
“Is that so?”
“Mm-hmm,” she purred as I flipped her on top of me and gripped her plump cheeks, pulling her closer.
“Don’t get me anything…but this.” She smiled, rocking her body excruciatingly slow against me. A devilish smirk flashed onto her face.
“Sure,” I lied, mentally patting myself on the back for going the extra mile when I only thought tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. Even if I had more time to plan, I wouldn’t change a thing about what I was giving her tomorrow.
“I love you,” I said in a hurried frenzy before she could change the subject. Her eyes widened with shock that I actually spoke the words we had skirted around since the day we met one another. It was insane to think I had loved her from the moment my eyes landed on her, but even then, it was in the back of my mind. We had spent so much time denying what we felt, but it was necessary steps to get us to where we were today.
“I love you, too, Elijah ‘Eli’ Waylon Boudreau,” she honestly declared, actually pronouncing my name correctly this time. Her eyes stared into my soul, and her lips fervently crashed with mine as if she couldn’t stand another second without doing it. I was right there with her. We spent the
rest of the night reminding each other of that very fact, expressing the love that overpowered us.
22
Trinity
Groggily, I rolled over, my arm reaching for Eli, but as usual, he was already awake and out of bed. He was one of those people who was almost annoyingly happy in the morning. No. He was annoyingly happy in the mornings. There was no sugarcoating it. He was a definite morning person. I wasn’t by any means. Never had been and never would be. A month ago, I accepted a position at the closest hospital on the medical surgical unit and worked strictly nightshift. I had listed yesterday and today as requested days off on my application. I never worked on my birthday, and if I could help it, the day prior to it, even when I was alone. I lived by the strict theory everyone should have cake on their birthday, even if it was something that came out of the ninety-nine-cent bin at a gas station. It was something I never denied myself, not even when my PTSD and depression had gotten the better of me.
It was the smallest of gestures, but it helped tether me to reality. Despite the heartache I always carried, this was my one day to let myself live a little. To let a little forgiveness seep into my blood and occasionally, some stuck around.
“Happy Birthine’s Day? Valenday Day?” Eli announced, pulling me back into realism and licking his lips before offering a faint apologetic smile.
“Thank you,” I sincerely exclaimed, stretching and yawning, rolling my neck a few times until the bones inside popped, giving me momentary relief. I was not sure how long I loved this man, but I knew I would never stop. There may be bridges for us to mend in the hopefully long future ahead of us, but I wouldn’t run when faced with problematic situations. With Eli, I would embrace life.
Kamikaze Heart Page 10