“I think I like you more than just for the sex,” I blurt out.
I didn’t mean to, it just slipped out of me because it’s been on the tip of my tongue for a while now.
Fuck.
Now, I feel embarrassed.
Why did I have to say that out loud?
And in such a stupid way?
When he doesn’t respond, I breathe a soft sigh of relief, glad he didn’t hear it.
Maybe he was already asleep.
“Good night, Hailey.”
Fuck.
So he did hear it.
He just doesn’t wanna reply.
My heart sinks to a new all-time low, and I suddenly feel cold to the bone. I turn away from him and tuck my head deep into the pillow, trying not to make a noise as I slam my face into it, wishing I’d never opened my mouth. I ruined a great evening. No, screw that, I ruined whatever good thing we had. I grab the covers and pull them up to my neck, hoping he’ll fall asleep soon so I can squirm out and get away before things get more awkward the next morning.
I didn’t take into account that he’d turn around, wrap his arms around my waist, and pull me closer to him. And I certainly didn’t expect him to nuzzle me, peck me on the back, and hug me tight. Like a real boyfriend would.
With only just a small detail missing.
He’s not my boyfriend … But we’ll get to that part later.
At least, that’s what I tell myself as I snuggle deeper into him and let his breathing lull me to sleep. It’s heaven, sleeping next to him.
Until he wakes up screaming his lungs out.
Chapter 21
Thomas
Her tears and defeated face are the only things on my mind as I hear her speak. She’s not happy. She’s not feeling good. Everything is wrong, including me … including her.
It’s just like before, only worse.
Shreds of memories fly past.
Her, screaming at me.
Her, crying in a corner.
Her, not getting out of bed until late at night.
Her tear-stained face and that endless smile that permanently marked her face when I saw her below my window.
So beautiful.
So much ruin.
My lungs break with noise that I can only describe as screeching. A desperate attempt to breathe while suffocating on misery.
That’s when I wake up.
Sweat rolls down my back and forehead, and I jump out of bed like a ghost is haunting me. I turn on the light and look around. It’s then that I notice the girl in my bed. Hailey.
She looks at me, blanket pulled up to her shoulders, her eyes scared.
“Oh, god …” I murmur. “Did I hurt you?”
She shakes her head. “You were yelling. What’s wrong?”
I swallow and push back the lump in my throat. “Nothing.” I turn around and walk into the living room, immediately checking that the oven is off. Then I close all the windows and check the bathroom to make sure none of the faucets are dripping.
As I turn around, I come face to face with Hailey.
“You’re acting strange.” She folds her arms. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I frown. “I’m fine; go back to bed.”
When I try to pass her, she places her hand on the wall next to me. “Not without you.”
“I’ll be there in a minute. Just go on ahead,” I say, but she’s not listening.
She narrows her eyes at me. “Something’s wrong. You wake up screaming, and you go check every damn thing in the house?”
I sigh. “It’s nothing. Just let it go.”
I push past her, but she still opens her mouth. “It’s something you’re not letting go. You just don’t wanna tell me.”
I go to my kitchen and take a bottle of whiskey from the cabinets, then pour myself a much-needed drink.
“Drinking? In the middle of the night?” She comes closer and raises her brow at me, gazing at me with a judging look.
“What?” I say, holding the glass. “It’s my house. I can have a drink when I want.”
She picks up the bottle and grabs another glass. “Fine. Then I’m drinking too.”
I place the glass down on the table. “You can’t do that.”
“Why not? You’re drinking too.” She picks up the glass and holds it close to her mouth.
“Stop.”
She pauses, her eyes darting to me.
“If I stop, you stop,” she says. “You told me I should quit smoking. Well, you should quit drinking.”
I frown. “I don’t have a problem.”
“Oh, really? Then what are you doing with two bottles of whiskey and rum?” She points at my trashcan, which contains more bottles.
Fuck. She caught me.
Sighing out loud, I turn around and growl at the sink. Then I throw the contents of my glass down the drain. Goddammit. Why does she always have to do that? Why does she always manage to puncture me and go right to my soul?
“What did you see?” she asks.
“What?”
Suddenly, she’s behind me, and she places her hand on my shoulder. “You were dreaming. It was a nightmare, wasn’t it? Something you’ve dreamed many times before. That’s why you’re barging around.”
“I’m not …”
Her arms wrap around my waist, and she rests her head on my back, silencing me. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
A sudden rush of terror washes over me.
Those words undo me.
Literally make me want to sink to my knees and cry.
That, or run a million miles, as far away as I can get from her.
I don’t know what it is about her that scares me so much.
Maybe it’s because she forces me to face myself. Or because she gives me something I’ve not had in such a long time, it scares the living shit out of me.
Love.
Actual love.
Not just the love of my dick or the love for the way I fuck.
But compassionate love. Someone to talk to. Someone who listens.
And it terrifies me … because I’m not supposed to have that.
I don’t deserve it.
And especially not with her. A student. Someone I’m not supposed to want.
But I want her in more ways than just around my dick.
“Fuck …” I mutter.
“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk. I’m still here for you,” she says, hugging me even tighter.
I know she does. That’s exactly my problem.
I’m on the verge of giving in, and it’s not supposed to happen.
I can’t tell her anything … because it’s the greatest shame I have.
And that says a lot, considering I’m fucking one of my students.
I place my hand over my eyes and brush away the impending tears. Sucking in a breath, I say, “Let’s go to bed.”
“You sure?” she says.
“Yeah, I feel much better now.” I turn around and wrap my arms around her. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She pats my back. “Everyone needs someone sometimes.”
I don’t.
At least, I didn’t use to.
Not until I met her.
Or maybe that was all just a lie in order to stop me from feeling anything when there was no one to turn to.
When we stop hugging, she reaches for my hands and gently pulls me along, back into the bedroom. We crawl back into bed, and right when I lie down, Ninja jumps straight on my balls. I groan and grab them while he lies down next to Hailey, gazing at me with a conceited look.
“Fuck …” I say.
Hailey laughs. “He hit you right in the nuts, didn’t he?”
“Yeah. Fuck you, Ninja.” I give him the side-eye. “Just because you’re not having pussy doesn’t mean you gotta be a dick.”
Ninja gets up and starts rubbing his head against my hand.
“Okay … I forgive you,” I say.
“Well, that was quick,” Hailey
muses.
“How can you not forgive something so adorable.” I snuggle him, and Hailey looks at me with a funny face.
“You two make a cute couple together,” she jests.
“Shut up,” I joke back.
Meanwhile, Ninja jumps back to her side, crawling up next to her.
“It’s the first time he’s actually come close,” Hailey says, holding her hand close so he can smell it.
“Yeah, I think he’s less scared of you now that he’s seen you a couple of times.” Or maybe he’s starting to get used to her. Like me.
“Does he always jump on the bed like that?”
“Pretty much. We usually sleep together.”
“Hmm … a real bromance then,” she muses, making me laugh.
“Hey, nothing against a little kitty love.” I pet him a few more times before he curls up into a ball at the end of the bed, near my feet. “You okay with that?” I ask.
“Yeah. He’s cute,” she says.
“He’ll probably steal half your bed in the middle of the night.”
“As long as he doesn’t kick me out, I’m fine. So long as he doesn’t try to do anything funny like scratch my back or lick me. Because this pussy is already taken.” She points at herself, laughing, and I laugh too.
I hold her close to my chest, burying my face in her hair. Her scent makes me think of unbridled fun and laughter.
Hailey is here. She’s here, and she’s not going anywhere.
Just as I need her to be.
For now.
Because it’s okay to hold onto someone for a while.
And she’s willingly offering a shoulder.
***
Hailey
A few days later
We never really say good-bye.
Not when I leave his home, not when I exit his classroom.
It’s as if we both can’t get the word to cross our lips.
Even now, when I’m lying in my bed, watching some YouTube on my phone, I still can’t get him out of my head. I should be doing homework, but every time I start, my thoughts drift off again. It’s useless. I’m way too distracted to even care about college right now.
“Hey, shouldn’t you be getting ready for class?” Lesley asks, packing her things.
“Nah, not going.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t do the homework, and I’m really not looking forward to getting scolded or getting additional homework.”
She makes a face. “Hailey …”
“What? You know it’s difficult for me.”
“This is your future,” Lesley says. “Why else did you go to college?”
“I don’t know …” I sigh.
She sucks on her lips. “Lately, I feel like you’re not interested anymore. Like you don’t even care.”
“Well, you’re right. Maybe I don’t.” I sit up straight and prop my pillow under my back. “And yes, I know that’s bad, and that I should be trying my best more. I’m just not feeling it right now, okay?”
She frowns. “Why did you apply to college in the first place then?”
I shrug. “To escape, I guess.”
“So it’s because of your home …”
I nod, rubbing my lips together because I don’t really wanna talk about it.
“Well, whatever. I just don’t want you to make the wrong decision. I care about you.”
I smile at her. “I know you do.”
She folds her arms. “And for the love of god, tell me you’re not skipping classes because of him.”
I roll my eyes. “Of course, not.” Well, maybe a little, but she doesn’t have to know. “He’s just a guy.”
“Just a guy … or your boyfriend?” she muses, raising a brow at me.
“No … not yet, at least.”
She throws her bag over her shoulder. “Well, he sure sounds like a player. Be careful, all right?”
“I will.”
“I’m off to psychology. Oh, and I’ll be staying at a friend’s room for the night. Since you’re not taking this class, I figured I needed an extra study buddy. Okay? See ya later.”
“Sure. See ya.” I wave her off and continue scrolling on my phone.
Suddenly, my phone buzzes in my hand, and I stare at it for a second before I realize I’m being called.
When I notice the name on the screen, my heart stops beating.
Everything turns red in front of my eyes.
For a second, I contemplate ignoring his calls, but I know that won’t make him go away. It will only make him try harder, call me longer, maybe even make him come here. Anything but that.
With trembling fingers, I press the call button, and with sweaty palms, I bring the phone to my ear.
“Hailey,” I say.
“Goddammit, finally you pick up.”
I swallow away the lump in my throat. “What do you want?”
“You. Why haven’t you visited? Your mom wants to know why you’re ignoring her.”
“I’m not ignoring her,” I say, sitting up in my bed. “I’ve replied to all her texts.”
“Why wouldn’t you come to visit your mom, huh? Do you care that little about her? And what about me? You never call, you never write. It’s like you don’t even exist.”
“Well, sorry,” I say, frowning. Really? Is that why he’s calling? To make me feel bad?
“I’m done with this. You want to get on my bad side? You’ll get my bad side. You’re coming home. Right now.”
What?
How could he even say that?
Why would he want me to come home? He doesn’t miss me.
But my mom does. And now that I’m gone, he can’t use me against her anymore.
That’s what this is all about. Control.
“No, I’m in the middle of a semester.” I almost crush the phone in my hand.
“I don’t care! You’ve wasted enough time there. You’re not getting anywhere.”
“How do you know that? My grades are fine.”
“Sure, they are.” His voice is condescending. “Just like everything else about you. No, I think it’s enough now. You’ve spent enough money on this crap. It’s time for you to come home and take care of your mom.”
“Why would I? She has you!” I yell, boiling inside.
“You’re her goddamn daughter! Act like one!” he spits. “God, you’re a fucking disgrace. Always whining, always thinking only about yourself. Me. Me. Me. It’s always about you, isn’t it? You’re just like your mother.”
That’s it.
“Stop talking about my mother!”
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I like,” he snaps. “You come home right now, or I’ll come and get you myself. It’s time you started working, so you can earn back all that money we wasted on you all those years.”
“I’m not—”
“You’re coming home tomorrow! Or I swear I’ll fucking come and get you myself! You hear me, you ungrateful shit? Come. Home. Now.”
Lowering the phone, I disconnect the call and throw the phone away. I’m shaking, my whole body in shock as the tears run down my face. I hug my legs and hobble around on the bed, my mind running in circles. What do I do? I don’t wanna go, but if I don’t, I know he’ll come for me. He’s done it before; acting out and being violent is his thing. It’s the only thing he knows. And the sole thing I hate.
Grinding my teeth, I get off the bed and grab my wallet, phone, and keys, slamming the door on my way out.
I’m not staying here for one more second.
His words have poisoned that room.
I can still hear him in my head, shouting at me that I’m a worthless piece of shit.
All I wanna do is get away.
So I run. I run until my lungs hurt; I run until the tears stop streaming; I run until my feet hurt and my body aches. When I get to town, I go into the nearest bar and sit down on a stool, my mind on blank.
It’s reckless. Stupid and dangerous to be here alone.
But
I don’t care anymore.
I just wanna get drunk.
I order an apple martini and show the bartender my fake ID, which apparently still works even though I’m wearing no make-up. Must be the droopy face that makes me look older. I drink my drink without speaking to anyone, listening to the music in the background, trying to forget.
That’s all I ever do.
Try to forget.
The alcohol helps.
I guess I’m not so different from Thomas, after all.
Except maybe he’s better at this shit than I am because I know for a fact that I’m unable to stop. I don’t want to. I don’t have the desire. All I want is to drink until I can’t remember shit.
So I order another one and chug it down.
That’s when a man comes to sit next to me, smiling awkwardly as he orders a beer.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hi.”
“How you doing?”
“Fine.”
I try not to engage, but he keeps talking.
“You look like you’re having a shitty time,” he says.
“Uh-huh.”
“Let me order a drink for you.” He beckons the bartender. “Another appletini for the lady over here.”
The bartender pours me another one, and I thank him for it, as well as the man beside me, but really, I just want him to shut up.
“So where you from?” he asks.
“Sorry, but I’m here to just be alone for a while. No offense.”
“Oh, wow, settle down, girl. No need to get angry.”
I side-eye him. “I’m not angry. I just wanna be left alone. Thanks for the drink, though.”
“Sure.” He makes a face. “Take a drink from a man and then act like that. Classy.”
“I never said I was, and I never asked for a drink.” I scoot it across the bar to him. “Here, you drink it.”
“No thanks,” he says, shoving it back so hard, it spills on my shirt.
“Hey! Fuck,” I growl, swiping away the alcohol. “Goddammit.”
“Sorry. Maybe you should’ve just been nice,” he says, and I give him the stink-eye.
I hop off my stool and go into the bathroom to grab some tissues I can dry my shirt with, but it’s not much help. When I try to leave the bathroom, the guy’s suddenly in my face.
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