by David Hare
She turns, suddenly aggressive.
Well, I say: ‘OK, then, fucking do it, journalist. Politician, talk to the addicts. Hold families together. Stop the kids from stealing in the streets. Deal with couples who beat each other up. You fucking try it, why not? Since you’re so full of advice. Sure, come and join us. This work is one big casino. By all means. Anyone can play. But there’s only one rule. You can’t play for nothing. You have to buy some chips to sit at the table. And if you won’t pay with your own time … with your own effort … then I’m sorry. Fuck off!’
She has said this with such shocking brutality and callousness that Tom is stilled for a moment.
Toby All right, very well, I do see what you’re saying.
Kyra I should hope so.
Toby This work you’re doing leaves you deeply fulfilled.
Kyra flashes him a look of contempt.
But, Kyra, are you also saying you’re happy?
Kyra Oh come on now, Tom, that isn’t fair!
Toby Why not?
Kyra That’s a shitty kind of question. You know. It’s a game! I’m not playing that game!
But Tom has already moved away to get more whisky, his poise back and amused.
Toby The funny thing is – do you see? – you talk about escaping your father. You were always telling us. The chilly, cold childhood you had! But here you are, building exactly the same kind of bunker that he did …
Kyra Nonsense!
Toby Living exactly the same kind of isolated life. You end up here in this room. With ice on the windowpane. The wind still blowing off the bloody English Channel. And no one allowed to get near … (He is suddenly quieter.) The only time you haven’t been lonely, the only time you actually lived a proper life among friends, was when you lived in our family. And you know bloody well that is true.
Kyra doesn’t answer, just looking at him as he moves away, sure of himself.
Kyra On no account must I be happy. On no account must I have succeeded in getting away.
This is so near the mark that Tom just looks guilty, as she smiles, amused now at being able to satirise him.
You walk in this room, and at once you’re picking up folders …
Toby What folders?
Kyra Glancing at the bookshelves. Lifting my papers. Oh my God, does she have a boyfriend?
Toby Oh, really!
Kyra Is there any trace of a man?
Toby I never did any such thing.
Kyra Looking for any male objects. Any gifts. Any ties. Any socks.
Toby Oh come on now, that’s ridiculous.
Kyra Is it? Your whole body language expresses it. Ownership! I think you’ve patrolled this room fifty times. Inspected its edges. You even smelt the fucking bed! Like an animal. The whole thing’s about possession.
Toby Kyra, you know that’s not true.
But she is having too much fun to stop.
Kyra I mean, apart from anything, there is the arrogance, the unbelievable arrogance of this middle-aged man to imagine that other people’s behaviour – his ex’s behaviour – is always in some direct reaction to him.
She laughs now, going to get herself more tea and knowing she is building a formidable case.
Toby Well, it is!
Kyra You were saying – my God! – you were telling me you don’t think of us as objects.
Toby I don’t.
Kyra We’re not possessions, that’s what you say! Yet you stand there complaining your wife omitted to forgive you.
Toby She did!
Kyra I have to ask you, Tom, why the hell should she? When all the time you were dreaming of somebody else.
Toby All right.
Kyra I mean, Jesus …
Toby All right!
For the first time he is badly rattled. She is shaking her head in disbelief now.
Kyra Earlier this evening you were telling me that all the time she was dying you were meanwhile thinking about me! That’s right! Yet you’re standing there seriously demanding my sympathy for the terrible hurt which you’re claiming she’s done to you!
She has blasted him with this last phrase and he can’t answer. So now she wanders away, so sure of her point that she laughs.
I mean, even you, Tom … even you must see it. I know, being a successful businessman – sweet wife, me adoring you as well! – you’re richly deserving of compassion, I know your life was really jolly hard …
Toby All right. Very well …
Kyra But even you must see the balance of sympathy in this case maybe … just maybe lies somewhere else.
Toby You only say that because you weren’t around.
At once Kyra turns impatiently, going to the kitchen, riled by the old accusation.
Kyra Oh, that again!
Toby Yes. Because that’s at the heart of it. That’s at the heart of all this.
Kyra Is that what you think?
Toby You know what I’m saying is right. You simply walked out! You simply walked out on me! That is a fact.
He points a finger at her as if she were a wayward employee.
And what’s more, you did not consult me. You made a decision which I never approved.
Kyra (at once not able to take his indignation seriously) Approved? You mean, you signed no consent form …
Toby (at once catching her tone) All right …
Kyra You took no executive decision? You mean you never ‘discounted’ me, was that your phrase? I was never filed next to Alice. Diminishing assets!
Toby Oh, very funny. Oh yes, very smart!
He is moving away, nodding as if this is all too familiar for words. But she is enjoying herself, into a riff now.
Kyra You did not downsize me, delayer me, you did not have a drains-up meeting to discuss the strategic impact of letting me go? You mean I just went and there was no management buy-out?
Toby Oh, is this your idea of satire? And I suppose it’s meant to be at my expense?
He turns, only half joking, his sense of humour departing.
I knew this job of yours would make you a smartarse. Teacher! Of course. It’s a joke. All teachers look down on business! They all mock business!
Kyra Tom, I’m just asking, but are you developing just a bit of a chip?
Toby Not at all.
Bad-temperedly he moves to get himself more scotch, but nothing will stop her now.
Kyra I mean, like earlier … earlier this evening, you were going on about ‘business’. ‘No one understands business,’ that’s what you said. Suddenly, I must say, I hear it everywhere. These so-called achievers telling us they have a grievance. The whole of society must get down on their knees and thank them, because they do something they no longer call ‘making money’. Now we must call it something much nicer. Now we must call it ‘the creation of wealth’ …
Tom looks at her uneasily, but she is really enjoying herself.
Putting money in your pocket. No longer the happy matter of just piling up coins. Oh no. We all have to say it’s an intrinsically worthy activity. And the rest of us, we’re ungrateful … we’re immoral … we must simply be envious … if we don’t constantly say so out loud. You have to laugh. It’s this modern phenomenon. Suddenly this new disease! Self-pity! Self-pity of the rich! No longer do they simply accumulate. Now they want people to line up and thank them as well.
She moves towards him, more serious now.
Well, I tell you, I spend my time among very different people. People who often have nothing at all. And I find in them one great virtue at least: unlike the rich, they have no illusions that they must once have done something right! Nor do they suffer from delicate feelings. They don’t sit about whining. How misunderstood and undervalued they are. No, they’re getting on with the day-to-day struggle of trying to survive on the street. And that street, I tell you … if you get out there … if you actually have to learn to survive, well, it’s a thousand times harder than leading an export drive, being in government, or … yes, I have to sa
y, it’s even harder than running a bank.
She nods at this gentle reference to what he said earlier. She is quieter now.
And the sad thing, Tom, is that you once knew that. When I first met you, you knew that full well. It marked you. That was the charm of you. It made you different. And I’m not sure the moment at which you forgot.
Tom looks at her.
Toby Well, thank you.
Kyra Not at all.
Toby I needed that lecture.
Kyra It wasn’t a lecture.
Toby It was good of you. Henceforth I’ll try not to complain.
He looks down, quietly self-mocking.
Of course I’m disqualified from having any feelings, because I’ve made some money.
Kyra I didn’t say that.
Toby No, you said something near it. For you, people are no longer people, it seems. Now they’re symbols. And I am a symbol of … what does it matter? Something you’re plainly angry with.
Kyra Oh come on, you know it’s not as simple as that.
Toby (not worried by her irritation, going on unfazed) I can see that you’re furious. I’m not sure I wholly know why.
Kyra Come with me. Just spend a day with me. Then I think it will be pretty clear.
Toby Oh I’m sure. There’s plenty of injustice. God knows, it’s always been there. The question is why you’ve gone out to look for it.
Both of them know a decisive moment has been reached between them. Tom is quite calm, almost smiling.
You see, it’s a funny thing, you’ve always said yes to everyone. It’s something I noticed right from the start. Everyone liked you for this very reason. The first time they meet you, they always say, ‘Kyra, what a nice person!’ Always. ‘Kyra, no question, she’s a good sort …’ (He stops, gentle, knowing where he’s going.) It’s typical. Your friend needs a tenant. To you, oh, it’s no problem. You’ll do it. There’s no inconvenience. You’re happy to do it. That’s who you are. Even for us, when you started. You were happy to babysit when Alice and I wanted to go out. It used to amaze me. I used to ask myself why there was only one person, one person in the world my friend Kyra ever said no to. And that is the man who asked her if she’d be his wife.
Kyra sits silent, just looking at him.
I remember, I remember that morning so clearly. I remember coming downstairs. Then you were at the office. I rang you. I said, ‘I’m afraid she’s discovered. This is our moment. It’s finally possible. So now at last we make a clean break …’ You put down the phone. For the rest of the day I couldn’t find you. At the office they said you’d simply walked out.
Kyra I did.
Toby Why? My marriage was finished. You knew that. And Alice herself had no wish to go on.
Kyra doesn’t move, just watching.
You could have had a thousand reactions. You could have gone to try and talk to Alice. You could have come to me. But no. You did something cowardly. You picked up your bags and walked out.
Kyra looks at him darkly, not answering.
Oh, you always said you did it for Alice.
Kyra Partly.
Toby That’s what you told me. When I finally found you, you said, ‘I had to do it. I did it for Alice. And for the children as well.’ But that wasn’t so. Well, was it?
Kyra What do you want me to say?
She looks at him resentfully, as if cornered. Tom wanders away to get more whisky, having the concession he wanted.
Toby You didn’t give a fuck about Alice’s feelings. Alice’s feelings were just an excuse. I mean, even tonight, you were telling me, you told me: an adulterous love is the best. Well, let me tell you it isn’t. The best thing is loving with your whole heart. Yes, and what’s more, out in the open. The two of you. That’s when there’s risk. Not the risk of discovery. But the risk of two people really setting off on their own. But that means all the things you’ve avoided. Really giving yourself.
He has no need to press his argument any more. His tone is sorrowful.
Even now you’re doing it. You’re telling me how much you love the people! How much you’re in love with the courage of the people on the bus! Yes, of course you love them. Because in three minutes you can get off.
Kyra stays sitting, stubborn now, her mood darkening from sadness into resentment.
Do you think I don’t see it? Loving the people’s an easy project for you. Loving a person … now that’s something different. Something that will take you right to the brink.
Kyra That isn’t fair.
Toby Isn’t it? I think it is. You love the people because you don’t have to go home with them. You love them because you don’t have to commit.
Kyra (quiet, not moving, looking down) You’re very cruel. I’ve made a life here.
Toby Yes. You can’t open a paper, that’s what you say. You have banished papers, you tell me, you’ve banished TV. I mean, why? What’s the reason? It’s some kind of insanity. What, you feel the world is somehow letting you down? You go off to do what you call ‘rebuilding’. ‘Rebuild your life’, that’s what you say. Start again. But how can you? Kyra, look at you now! It won’t even work. It can’t work. Because it’s built on a negative. It’s built on escape.
He shakes his head, genuinely infuriated now by her apparent passivity, sitting unmoving in her chair.
What is it in you? This thing that you have. Why doesn’t it yield? I don’t understand it.
Kyra No. I honestly don’t think you do.
Her tone is icy. At last something has hardened in her. Tom tries to backtrack.
Toby Look …
Kyra You never will, Tom. It’s the difference between us. It’s kind of a gulf.
She is deadly in her calm. She seems to be suppressing her strongest feelings.
You’re right. I’ve become my anger.
She looks down.
And now I think you should go.
Toby Go?
Kyra Yes. You got what you wanted. You wanted me to say I never loved you enough. Well, plainly, in your view, I didn’t. And so that’s the end of it. Isn’t it?
She moves to the other side of the table where she takes up the pile of books. She puts them down, puts on her glasses, and calmly takes the first one to work on.
And these are books which I have to mark.
Tom is so inflamed by her control that he suddenly loses his temper. He impetuously picks up the top book and throws it haphazardly across the room.
Toby Oh come on, these fucking books, these fucking children. Who are you fooling? Marking books in the middle of the night! Do you think that I’m fooled? You know what we had. Why can’t you admit it?
He has screamed at her and picked up books and thrown them across the room. Because she does not respond, he picks up a couple more books. Then pushes over the pile. It is a gesture of mess and futility.
Kyra I think you should change.
Tom looks at her a moment, then he turns and goes into the darkness of the bedroom. Kyra is plainly shaken by what has just happened. She goes to the kitchen and pours herself a glass of water, which she drinks. She moves across to the sideboard and takes a small card out of a drawer. She then moves back to the telephone and dials a number.
(On the phone.) Yes, hello. I’m at 43 Cannon Road. There’s a friend of mine going to Wimbledon. (She listens.) I understand that. A doorbell. Hollis. (She waits a second.) Thank you. Yes, as soon as you can.
She puts the phone down. She stands a moment, then goes to sit down again at the table. She is still for a moment. Tom comes back into the room in his suit, but carrying his shoes. They ignore each other as he sits down in an armchair to put his shoes on.
I got you a cab.
Toby Oh, all right …
Kyra I didn’t suppose you were going to call Frank.
She looks kindly at him, trying to sound natural. But they are both shattered. It’s past three and nothing either of them intended has happened.
They say they’re not sure, but they
think they can get through the snow.
Toby By the time I get home it’s going to be time to go into work.
He is now dressed. He looks a complete mess, his clothes flung on, crumpled and untidy. She looks at him, some genuine warmth in her voice.
Kyra You look ridiculous. I’m afraid you’ve forgotten your tie.
She goes out into the bedroom to look for it. He looks round the room for a moment, knowing it is the last time he will see it. She comes back in and hands him his tie. He takes it and goes over to a small mirror which hangs over the kitchen sink. She sits at the table.
You ask me if I remember that day. I remember the days before it. Why I wrote those letters at all.
Tom shifts. She looks directly at him.
Do you remember why I had written?
Toby Of course. You went off on holiday,
Kyra Yes. For once, on my own. Because you two couldn’t come – I think a new restaurant was opening.
Toby That’s right.
Kyra And I was exhausted. So I insisted. And you said, ‘Kyra, you promise, whatever you do, you must write …’
Toby They were wonderful letters.
Kyra I’m glad you thought so. I can remember, the first day going down to the beach and thinking … I am going to make this man very happy. I am going to tell him what he really wants to hear. It was also the truth. Even now, I remember, I remember writing, ‘You will never know the happiness you’ve given me. I’ll never love anyone as I love you …’
She is so direct and simple that it is as if she is saying them right now for the first time.
After a few days, people on the beach were all looking and laughing. This strange English girl, I was chalk white, under a parasol, ordering just an occasional beer.
She seems lost in the memory, but now she once more looks him straight in the eye.
You say I can’t give, that I’ve never given. I gave in those letters. I gave my whole heart. ‘Just to think of you fills me with warmth and with kindness. All I want is that it should go on …’