Cleaning his teeth, Les was pleased to see Janet’s buck teeth hadn’t left any love bites when she was gnawing on his neck. After dropping two Panadeine capsules he finished in the bathroom, then stepped into the kitchen.
Ahh yes, smiled Norton, opening the fridge. Nothing like a hearty breakfast to get a man going first thing in the morning. Taking a fork, Les speared two slices of grilled eggplant and washed them down with a cup of hot tap water. And now, gritted Les, as he collected his training gear from the back verandah, while I’m still filthy on myself, I’ll take my hangover for a run and have a swim. Stoically, Les climbed into his training gear and thongs and left for Blueys Beach. Shit! he lamented, as he stopped at the open air shower to get a mouthful of water and wipe his sunglasses, what I wouldn’t give for a good cup of coffee right now.
Apart from a handful of surfers enjoying the clean swells, two couples lying on the sand and the same seagulls at the water’s edge, Les had the beach to himself again. He returned the greetings of a young couple stretched out comfortably on their banana chairs near the wet sand, left his towel and thongs close by and took off.
Not feeling the hairy chest, Les cut the run back to six laps. The Panadeine capsules hit in after two, so the last four laps were almost bearable. The water when he’d finished, however, was glorious. Les wallowed around for a while, duck diving and letting the waves break over his face, then walked up and had a cold shower. Back at the flat, Tony was up and about. He’d cleaned up the mess and was standing in the kitchen wearing his grey shorts and a white T-shirt, drinking a glass of mineral water with ice and a slice of lemon.
‘Les, you’ve been for a run,’ he smiled. ‘You’re a fuckin tiger. How was it?’
‘Sort of all right, Steelo,’ replied Les. ‘The water was good though.’
‘Hey. I knocked off a couple of your Panadeine tablets. I had to, mate.’
‘That’s okay,’ smiled Les. ‘I needed some myself.’ Les hung his training gear and towel out on the verandah then walked back into the kitchen in his Speedos and poured himself a large glass of water.
‘Hey, what about last night,’ said Tony. ‘Christ! Didn’t we put away some piss.’
‘Ohh, don’t talk to me about last night, Steelo,’ said Les, downing one glass of water and pouring another. ‘You’re a depraved fuckin animal. I’m in there talking sweet nothings with Janet, and you kick the door open, barge in and try to rape her in front of me. You’re fuckin good.’
‘Ohh, fuck off, Les,’ said Tony. ‘Me and Janet the Gannet have been friends for years.’
‘Yeah? That’s not what Ruby said. She wanted to call the police, only I talked her out of it.’
‘Les. Get fucked. You’re a fuckin imposter.’
‘All right,’ shrugged Les. ‘So what are we doing for breakfast?’ He looked at his watch. ‘Christ! It’s almost lunchtime.’
‘All right. What about that café you found?’
‘Okay. We’ll go there. I’ll shout.’
‘No!’ Tony was adamant. ‘I’ll pay. I didn’t come here to bludge off you. Get fucked.’
‘Tony,’ winked Les, ‘thanks to you, I had a pretty good time last night. Let me shout.’
‘All right,’ shrugged Tony. ‘If you want to pay, pay. Fuck you.’
‘Thanks, Steelo.’
Les changed into his blue shorts and a maroon T-shirt with LORNE on the front, gave his hair a quick tidy, then he and Tony walked down to the car and drove into the village.
Several cars were parked outside the shops and there was a smattering of punters strolling about in the sun when Les pulled up out the front of Fifty-Fifty. Not wasting any time, Les walked straight into the café and up to the smiling young lady wearing a black T-shirt standing behind the counter. He ordered bacon and scrambled eggs on Turkish with mushrooms, a double shot latte and a bottle of sparkling mineral water. Tony ordered the same, except for a flat white and a bowl of muesli. They found a table out front, Les went and got the papers, then with Norton facing the parking area and the road behind, they settled back comfortably and waited for their food.
The coffee came first and it had life-saving properties. Les knocked his over smartly and ordered another when the food arrived. There was plenty on the plates and it was all cooked to perfection.
‘Strike me! They sure give you enough,’ said Les.
‘Don’t worry, Les,’ replied Tony. ‘I’ve seen you eat. You’ll knock that over in a New York minute and start banging on the table for more.’
Les looked straight down his nose at Tony. ‘Jesus you’re a peasant at times, Steelo,’ he sniffed. ‘You really are.’
‘Get fucked, Les, and stop uttering shit. You’re a big enough goose as it is.’
Both ravenously hungry, they ripped in and although Tony also had a bowl of muesli, it was a dead heat who finished first. Les was going through the sports section and washing down the remaining toast with his second coffee when he noticed a familiar blue hatchback drive past. It slowed down near the bottle shop, made a U-turn, then came back and drove slowly through the parking area with the windows down. Les absently turned a page and from behind his sunglasses noticed Janet’s cousin at the wheel and a tall bloke with a black ponytail seated on the passenger side. Both men were wearing old football guernseys with the sleeves hacked off and in the bright autumn sun, a glint of gold reflected from the ear of the man alongside the driver. Well, mused Les, slowly turning another page. That’s Andrew from last night. And I’d say the sour-faced bloke with him is Richard the jealous boyfriend. Very casually, Les watched as the two men took a good look before the hatchback left the parking area and drove off towards Elizabeth Beach. I won’t say anything to Steelo for the time being, thought Les. But I’ll definitely warn him about Sourpuss before I go.
‘Shit! I’m rooted after that,’ said Tony, folding his newspaper.
‘Yeah. Me too,’ said Les.
Tony reached for his pocket. ‘You sure you don’t want some money?’
Les shook his head. ‘No. You’re right, mate. I’ll put it on the plastic fantastic.’
‘Okay. Well thanks for that, Les. I’m going to get a bar of chocolate.’
‘If you want, you can shout me a Cherry Ripe and a Peanut Slab while you’re there.’
‘No worries. I’ll see you back at the car.’
Les was seated in the Berlina when Tony returned. He handed Les his chocolates and they drove back to the flat.
‘So what are you going to do now, Steelo?’ Les asked when they walked in the door.
‘Not much,’ replied Tony, going to the kitchen and pouring a glass of mineral water. ‘Kick back. Muck around on the laptop. Hey, I wouldn’t mind a couple more of your Panadeine, if it’s okay. I’ve still got a bit of a headache.’
‘Yeah. Mine seems to have kicked in again too,’ said Les.
‘So what are you going to do?’ asked Tony, stepping into the bathroom to get the Panadeine.
‘After all that food, just take it easy,’ replied Les. ‘Probably lie down and have a read.’
‘What are you reading?’ Tony called out.
‘AK-47, the Story of the People’s Gun, by Michael Hodges.’
‘Read it,’ enthused Tony, walking back into the lounge. ‘Isn’t it a fuckin good book.’
‘Reckon,’ agreed Les. ‘What about poor old General Kalashnikov who invented the thing. They’ve sold millions round the world, and he never got a razoo.’
‘No. They wouldn’t even let him put the name on a brand of vodka. Yet Stoner, the Yank who invented the M-16, made squillions. And it isn’t anywhere near as good a weapon.’
Les went to his room and came back with his wedding invitation. ‘Hey, Steelo,’ he asked. ‘How come the wedding’s so late in the afternoon?’
‘The sun will be going down on Wallis Lake. And it’ll make for great photos,’ replied Tony.
‘Fair enough,’ nodded Les. ‘And where, and what’s, this—Green Cathedral?’
<
br /> ‘It’s an open-air church in a rainforest a few clicks past the Sailing Club. Wait till you see it. It’s the grouse.’
‘Sounds good.’
Les left Tony to his laptop then went to the bathroom and took a couple more Panadeine. He propped the pillows up behind his head, lay down on the bed with his book and his Peanut Slab and started munching and reading.
Norton’s house in Bondi was reasonably quiet for the city. But the warm, sunny flat at Blueys Beach was quieter and the bed when it wasn’t rolling around was extremely comfortable. Besides that, just the thought of being away from Sydney gave everything a feeling of peace and relaxation. Les got to a part in his book where American soldiers in Vietnam, cursing their constantly jamming M-16s, started picking up the Viet Cong’s more reliable AK-47s. Other American soldiers would hear the AK-47’s distinct sound coming from the jungle, think it was Charlie, and start shooting their fellow soldiers. This brought much joy and laughter to the beleaguered Vietnamese and even had Les smiling, when the quietness and the Panadeine got to him. Eventually his eyes started to flicker and he dozed off.
‘Hey, Les. Come on. We’d better make a move.’
‘Huh?’ Les blinked his eyes open to find Tony with a towel round him shaking the end of the bed. ‘Shit. What time is it?’
‘Time to get going, you big goose.’
Les sat up on the bed. ‘Fuck. I dozed off. It’s so bloody peaceful up here.’
‘Yeah. So did I,’ smiled Tony. ‘It’s not hard.’
‘All right,’ said Les, ‘I’ll jump under the shower.’
Les showered and shaved and helped himself to some of Tony’s Fahrenheit, then changed into a pair of jeans and a fresh white T-shirt with a blue check shirt hanging out over the top. Tony was waiting in the lounge wearing jeans and a grey T-shirt with a black diagonal-striped shirt hanging out over the top.
‘I say, Steelo,’ grinned Les. ‘We haven’t brushed up too bad for a couple of mugs from the Eastern Suburbs.’
‘No. You look wonderful, Leslie,’ smiled Tony.
‘Leslie?’ Norton’s eyes narrowed. ‘By Jesus! Them’s fighting words, Steelo.’
‘Get fucked, Les,’ said Tony. ‘And just get me to the church on time.’
Les picked up his Canon Power Shot, Tony placed his Canon EOS ID Mk3 carefully in his carrybag, then locked the door and followed Les down to the Berlina before they drove off towards Wallis Lake.
Cars were parked along either side of the road and the last of the guests were arriving when Les did a U-turn and pulled up opposite the wedding venue. They got out of the car and Les recognised one or two of Steve’ s casually dressed mates and their girls from the night before, amidst several older couples of Slavic appearance getting out of their cars wearing conservative suits and dresses. Les and Tony exchanged greetings with Steve’s friends, then crossed the road to a shaded path leading into a lush rainforest thick with ferns.
The path meandered through tall trees and native bushes to an open-air church consisting of two rows of roughly hewn wooden pews either side of an aisle of white sand leading to a stone pulpit. Behind the pulpit was the lake where huge old logs washed up on the shore rested in the quiet shade of the surrounding trees. The water was dead calm and the sun setting behind the distant hills had turned the lake into a seemingly endless expanse of shimmering gold.
‘Shit. You weren’t wrong about taking good photos,’ said Les. ‘How cool’s this?’
‘What did I tell you,’ smiled Tony. ‘Isn’t it something else?’
The congregation had split into two camps seated on either side of the aisle, with the impassive family members on the right dressed in dark blue suits and dark blue dresses, while the impassive family members on the left were wearing brown suits and brown dresses. Steve’s friends and their kids were towards the back and Les noticed that apart from Steve’s friends smiling amongst themselves and the children playing, there wasn’t a great deal of laughter in the air for such a joyous occasion. Standing to the left of the pulpit and holding flowers were the four bridesmaids dressed in beige dresses with matching shoes. Lined up to the right of the pulpit were Steve, Cunzdrug and another two of Steve’s mates, all wearing immaculately ironed white shirts with small garlands of flowers pinned to the front, hanging out over green trousers and white leather thongs. Standing casually in the lush ambience of the Green Cathedral, with Cat Power crooning ‘Sea of Love’ in the background, their crisp informality blended perfectly with the occasion.
‘Shit,’ said Les. ‘Check out Deadline and his mates. I hope Saretta isn’t going to show up wearing white thongs.’
‘Well, you know the old joke,’ replied Tony. ‘How do you tell the bride at an Australian wedding?’
‘Yeah,’ smiled Les. He indicated the soberly dressed members of the congregation seated stiffly along the pews. ‘So who’s who at the zoo?’
‘Deadline’s family are the ones in brown. And Saretta’s are the ones in blue. One thing for sure, Les, I don’t think any of them are into stand-up comedy.’
‘No. You’re not wrong.’ Les pointed to several empty pews at the rear. ‘Anyway. What do you reckon, Steelo? We may as well prop here.’
‘Yeah, this’ll do.’ Tony placed his camera bag on the nearest pew and unzipped it. ‘I’m going to get some photos while the light’s still good.’
‘I might join you,’ replied Les.
Cameras in hand, they walked down the aisle and up to Steve and his friends. After shaking hands and wishing them all the best, Les and Tony started taking photos. Les got all the happy snaps he needed for the time being. Tony the professional kept clicking away from all angles till he rejoined Les sitting at the end of the pews.
‘How did you go, Steelo?’ Les asked. ‘Get some good shots?’
‘Are you kidding?’ replied Tony. ‘Did you see the water on the lake? You couldn’t go wrong.’
‘I know. Check this out.’ Les scrolled the screen on his digital camera and showed Tony some shots he’d fluked.
‘Holy fuck,’ said Tony. ‘I’m going to have to watch you, Norton. Or you’ll end up doing me out of a job.’
Along with the rest of the congregation, Les and Tony sat patiently waiting for the ceremony to start. The celebrant, a dark-haired woman in a smart grey dress suit, appeared by the pulpit with a roving mike and Les was surreptitiously checking out a couple of Saretta’s girlfriends seated amongst the crowd when something made him turn around. Saretta came walking down the path through the rainforest on her father’s arm. Les nudged Tony, who also turned around and they both gave a double blink.
Wearing a white off-the-shoulder gown that hugged her body like paint, Saretta looked drop dead gorgeous. A half-veil discreetly covered her face and her hair was styled on top of her head and ringed with tiny flowers. She was carrying a bunch of flowers and Saretta didn’t just walk into the ceremony, she entered. It was her day and she knew it. And her father, a tall, jowly man with thick dark hair wearing a blue suit, knew it too as he proudly escorted his daughter down the aisle. The congregation fell silent and Les turned to Tony after Saretta and her father went past.
‘Shit! Did you see that?’ said Les.
‘She looks like a million fuckin dollars,’ replied Tony.
Saretta walked up to the front of the church and gave Steve a smile that buckled his knees and made the groomsmen shuffle around speechless. Then the celebrant stepped up to the pulpit with the roving mike.
‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ the celebrant began, ‘we are gathered here on this joyous occasion to…’
From there the ceremony went like clockwork. Saretta gave a little speech about how she first met Steve before falling in love with him and how he warmed up her life. Steve then took the mike and looked at Saretta.
‘Yeah. Well, it’s good you love me, Saretta,’ he said. ‘Because I really, really like you a lot too, you know.’
‘That’s our boy, Deadline,’ smiled Tony.
Les g
ave a little shake of his head. ‘Yeah. You can’t help but like him.’
Steve finished the rest of his speech, then he and Saretta exchanged gold rings. The celebrant pronounced them man and wife and as G. Love softly singing ‘I Love You’ drifted from the speakers, she told Steve he could now kiss the bride. Steve kissed his beautiful bride, the kids ran up and hugged their legs and it was all over.
‘Oh shit!’ swallowed Les. ‘Why did they have to pick this song? I think I’m gonna cry.’
‘Yeah. Me too,’ sniffed Tony.
‘This is bloody awful.’
‘Yeah,’ agreed Tony. ‘If word gets around you were seen blubbering at a wedding, your reputation round the Cross’ll be ratshit.’
‘I know,’ said Les. ‘Promise you won’t tell anybody, Tony.’
Tony suddenly raised his camera and whipped off a close-up of Norton’s distraught face. ‘I’ll think about it,’ he grinned.
‘You two-faced rotten cunt, Steelo,’ cursed Les.
‘Get fucked, Les,’ said Tony.
All the congregation now wanted to get a photo taken with the happy couple and somewhere between Saretta’s beauty and the loveliness of the Green Cathedral the earlier animosity between the two families seemed to have momentarily disappeared. After a while, Les handed Tony his camera and got a couple of photos taken standing between Steve and Saretta. Tony got Les to do the same with his camera, then they went back to their seats and watched absently as everybody began to drift off around them. Before Les and Tony knew it, they were the only ones left, still seated, staring at the sun going down over the lake.
‘Well I suppose we’d better get going, Les,’ said Tony. ‘I wouldn’t mind a few drinks back at the flat before we hit the reception.’
‘Righto,’ nodded Les. ‘It’s just that it’s so nice here. I don’t want to leave.’
‘Yeah. I know what you mean,’ agreed Tony.
Les turned to Tony. ‘Another couple of minutes won’t hurt?’
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