“I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about? It’s not my fault you blabbed about your stupid little crush, in front of his brother.” April yanked her shoulder length strawberry blonde hair out of the tight bun she’d placed it in when we left the cabin. She was still acting like we were out in the dangerous wilderness of the real world, instead of in this sanctuary. I hadn’t worn my hair up since we came here. She kept flip flopping back and forth.
“It’s not your fault?” I blurted out angrily, practically spitting at her. “You knew how I felt and still I had to spell it out, just so I could get you to stop acting like some heinous beast.” I’d wanted to use a more graphic word but refrained. April was right. I wasn’t one for profanity. The earlier use of a curse word had turned my stomach.
“Go ahead, call me what you really want to call me. I’m waiting.” She stood there smugly taunting me. I said nothing in response to her. But the rage grew inside me. It felt like this overwhelming physical force that was fighting to get out. April and I so rarely fought, but when we did, it wasn’t pretty. In the past we had Andy as a buffer, but he wasn’t here to stop this explosion this time. And this was turning ugly fast. I couldn’t remember ever feeling this angry with her. Normally she won the battles and I always ended up apologizing, even when I knew I wasn’t in the wrong. I hated confrontation. It literally made me sick. But this time I wasn’t going to apologize. Maybe she hadn’t intentionally gotten me to spill my deepest feelings in front of Billy, but her attitude had led to the situation. And I was so sick of it.
“I don’t need to resort to that, to get my point across. I don’t feel the need to take my anger out on others. You’re trying to ruin whatever it is that Jack and I have; before it even gets started. And I don’t even get why you’re doing it.”
All the anger fled from April’s face. She looked exhausted as she sat down the couch and sighed. “I’m trying to prevent you from making a mistake. He’s like all other guys. They all want just one thing and when they’re done, they leave.” That was total crap and we both knew it. Our dad had gotten mom pregnant with April and married our mother without hesitation. Andy had gotten April pregnant and even after the miscarriage, he still married her.
No, she was trying to ruin things for me, for a completely different reason. And her acting like she was the reasonable one and I the irrational one, only infuriated me more. She had never been the rational one, not even when Andy had been alive. At least back then, I had a partner to calm her down from her rash actions. Now I was on my own. And I was so tired of fighting to calm her down.
“I don’t buy that excuse. And even if you thought you were looking out for me, you can stop it already. I’m not a child anymore. Stop treating me like one.” Our volume was getting out of control by now. Well mostly it was mine. Even when she was yelling at me, she was at least attempting to keep it under control. I was sure whoever was in the vicinity, was already aware of our fight. I probably should have been embarrassed, but I was just way too pissed off.
April took a deep breath, softening both her features and her tone even further. What was more, I could see that it was taking a great deal of self-control to do it. Why couldn’t she exercise this self-control when it mattered? Like in front of Jack.
“You don’t know these people and you don’t know Jack. We can’t trust anyone. We learned that lesson the hard way. You’re still too young to understand how the world works.”
If she thought that was going to calm me down, she was very much mistaken. I hated it when she acted like I was just a kid, who couldn’t take care of myself. I’d grown up a long time ago and it was about time she noticed.
“Maybe there’s nothing real there between Jack and me, but it’s not up to you to figure that out. It’s up to me. I deserve a shot at happiness. I’ve never known love like that. I’ve witnessed it, but never felt it. And I gave up on ever having that experience for myself, years ago. And then we met Jack and Billy and found this place and suddenly the future has endless possibilities.”
The anger had left me. I just wanted so desperately for her to understand, that when I was with Jack, I felt something very real and very exciting. It reminded me a lot of what she had with Andy in the early days. All I wanted was the opportunity to find out if Jack was my Andy. But April wasn’t budging or even attempting to hear me.
Her face hardened again, though she kept her voice controlled. “You want to act like a grown up, but you still refuse to see the situation for what it is. This place isn’t a sanctuary. It’s a prison. And if we don’t leave soon, we’re going to be stuck here. We’ll become weak like the rest of them. These people couldn’t survive out there one week. I’m just trying to keep you on guard. All I’ve ever done is protect you. I’ve always been there for you. Why can’t you trust me now?”
She was right back to pushing my nerves, that were already on edge. This time it was a nerve I wasn’t even aware of. “You’ve always been there for me?” I yelled. All control vanished. “Like hell. You walked around all depressed for months. Leaving me to take care of everything, especially you. You call me childish. You say I need to grow up. I did. I kept us alive. You only checked back in when I was dying.
“And now you walk around pissed off at…who? I don’t know, maybe the universe, but you’re taking it out on everyone. Including the few people who want to help us. You’re not the only one who’s lost someone. Get over it already!”
The moment the words came out of my mouth, I instantly regretted them. I’d never said something so awful in my entire life. If I’d wanted to shock my sister into silence, I succeeded. April’s eye filled to the brim. Her lips quivered. Before she could lose it in front of me, she tore out of the cabin, leaving the door wide open.
I hollered after her, but it was no use. She took off running at her fastest speed. She may have been out of her track and field training days, but she was still nearly as fast as she had been back then. Before I knew it, she was out of sight. No amount of calling after her was going to get her back here.
I closed the door, sat down on the bed, and broke down myself. It was such a stupid and horrible thing to say. We’d lost Andy less than six months ago. He’d died protecting us. She lived with that every day. I knew that the anger she was directing at our new community, was really meant for that other group of humans. We’d mistakenly trusted them. But really it was never our mistake. She and I had an uneasy feeling about them from the beginning. It was Andy that convinced us to give them a shot. I think she hated him for trusting them, and then hated herself for hating him.
We should have been able to have a calm conversation about what was really going on. But neither one of us was good about saying what we were feeling. We both held it in until we came to blows. We were a lot more alike than I ever realized. The only real difference between us, was that I could bottle my frustrations up a lot longer than she could. I’d been bottling mine for nearly six months now. The fear of having her ruin any potential that Jack and I might have, had caused my lid to burst.
The guilt racked me as I sobbed into my pillow. She may have been infuriating, but I had been the one out of line tonight. I didn’t even know how to begin to apologize for this one. I rehearsed repeatedly in my head, what I’d say the moment she walked back through the door. But my weak apology, even sounded ridiculous to me. I didn’t see how it would ever help her to forgive me.
As the darkness grew outside, I stopped thinking about what I’d say to her and started to really panic. I wasn’t a very good judge of time and there wasn’t a clock in here. But it had to have been more than an hour since she’d taken off. She’d only been wearing a sweater and some jeans, and the nights were getting cold. I had no idea where she’d run off to. If she’d found a safe warm spot to cry or if she was freezing outside.
I started pacing our tiny cabin trying to figure out what to do. It wasn’t like I could go arrange a search party. That would probably only infuriate her more. She’d ha
ve to come back on her own. But what if this time she decided she was done? What if I’d pushed her too far? Was it possible that she was just depressed enough, to risk leaving in the middle of the night?
My paranoia was getting the best of me. And despite the pain in my leg, I decided I had no other choice but to go search for her myself. I’d just put on my sweater and headed towards the door when I heard a knock on the other side. For one moment my heart skipped with hope, until I realized that if it were April, she wouldn’t knock.
I wiped my eyes, full well knowing that there was nothing I could do to erase the evidence of my tears. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see both Billy and Jack standing there. Oh great, I thought, they heard the fight. Normally when I saw Jack, I got all giddy inside, but now I just felt humiliated. If I could have run from him, I probably would have.
“Are you okay?” Jack asked as he took in my appearance.
“I’m fine,” I lied unconvincingly.
“Kaia said she heard you and April arguing and then she saw April run off.” Could he see the guilt in my eyes?
“Did she see which way she went?” I asked with a shaky voice.
Jack nodded. Billy was behind his brother staying silent but observing everything. His eyes looked concerned, but I couldn’t figure out for whom. Was he worried about my emotional state as his patient, or was he worried about April? No that was absurd. He hated April, every bit as much as she hated him.
“Which way did she go?” I asked hopefully. If I could at least figure out what direction she went, then I might have a chance of finding her.
“We’re not telling you that,” Billy responded.
“But I have to go find her.”
“And that’s precisely why we’re not telling you,” Jack replied before his brother could. I looked at them both, like they were completely insane. I needed to find her. She needed to hear how sorry I was.
“Your leg needs rest. You’ve been overdoing it,” Billy added. “You don’t need to be the one to go find her. I’ll do it.” I eyed him suspiciously. “I promise I won’t come back until I find her.” I thought he was probably the worst choice to go and bring her back. He might just make everything worse. But he was right. I couldn’t walk through the village on my own trying to find her. Not with how badly my leg was doing. Just the little bit of pacing, had made my leg throb in protest.
When I didn’t respond, Billy took that as my concession. I was just trying to figure out how I could get a hold of the keys to the golf cart. I’d probably get in big trouble if I succeeded. It might even be enough to get me kicked out. But I didn’t really care about that now. All I cared about was April. I needed to know she was okay. I needed her to forgive me.
My mind was working through a plan to try and gain access to the cart when Billy said, “Oh and Jack’s staying with you until I get back.” My mouth dropped open. Billy smiled in response. It was like he could see me scheming in my mind. He turned around and took off, running in the same direction I’d seen April go before I’d lost sight of her.
I grumbled as he disappeared behind one of the buildings. “Do you want to wait outside or inside?” Jack asked cheerfully.
Chapter Eleven
I chose inside. Just standing with the door open, had frozen me. It made me realize how desperately I needed a winter coat. I didn’t have much clothing with me when they found us. They’d given me some stuff with the promise that more was coming. I apparently needed to see someone who oversaw supplies. Having only been sprung from the clinic today, I hadn’t had the chance.
We’d only been here a few days and already I was positive that April and I were gaining quite the reputation. And not a good one. If I hadn’t been so concerned with where April was, I would have been worried about what everyone else was thinking of us. As it was, there was only one other person in the community that was concerning me and that was Jack.
Despite everything I’d been through tonight, I still couldn’t help but think about Jack and what he’d think of me when he learned the truth. I didn’t like me very much right now and I couldn’t see how he could after this. I kept coming to the brink of tears. It took all my strength to keep them back.
We sat in silence on the coach, Jack, and me, watching the flames crackle and pop in the fireplace. Maybe he was waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t. I was terrified that if I even attempted to explain myself, I’d end up bawling again. My last words to my sister kept replaying repeatedly in my mind. Just get over it. I’d really said that to her. I’d told her to just get over losing the love of her life. It was such a stupid, heartless thing to say. It wasn’t like me at all. I said stupid stuff all the time, but never anything this hurtful. I’d been so angry and for a nanosecond, I’d wanted to hurt her. That made me even more disgusted with myself.
I replayed our fight trying to find the trigger that had pushed me that over the edge. The truth was, there was nothing she said that should have pushed me that far. I could have, I should have, handled things differently. Maybe if I’d calmly tried to explain how I felt, then we could have had a reasonable conversation. But instead, I’d let my emotions take over. I’d been fuming since the dining hall and trying to hold it back had only increased the anger.
Jack’s finger moved to wipe the single tear that had rolled down my cheek. Until he wiped it away, I hadn’t even realized it escaped. My cheeks flushed as I moved my own hand up to wipe my eyes, though there were more no more tears…for the moment.
“She’s going to be okay. Billy will find her.” He tried to reassure me.
Even if she were okay, I doubted very much that she’d want to see me tonight. April had a hard time forgiving people. My father and her had a very fragile relationship right up until we were separated. And then she held a grudge after. My mother had tried to mend fences a couple years before the pandemic, but April kept her at arm’s length, never letting her get too close again. She’d been so close to them and then it had all fallen apart when they hadn’t supported her marriage. I was terrified that this would be the tipping point in our relationship and that she wouldn’t be able to forgive me, just like she still couldn’t forgive them.
“I’m sure she will be,” I finally responded after several minutes of silence. My voice cracked as I spoke. The tears brimmed at the surface, but I held them back. “But I’m not so sure we will be.”
“Siblings fight all the time,” he said with a kind smile. “You should see Billy and I fight. We’ve literally come near blows at times. You see this scar?” he asked pointing out a tiny line on his chin. “He gave that to me when I was five. We’d been fighting over a toy or something and he pushed me into the end table. Five stiches. He literally scarred me. And he’s got a couple of his own battle scars too. The point is, we got over it. You two will work this out.”
I shook my head. A physical fight might have been an easier thing to heal from. The scars on the inside were the harder ones to get over. “We’re women and this is April. She can hold on to things for years. And I went too far. This fight was entirely my fault.” He looked a little shocked by my revelation. I’d come across as the passive type. Normally I was, but when pushed, I could become just as hostile as the next person.
“It can’t be all that bad. And you’re her sister. I’ve seen firsthand how much she loves you. She’ll get over it.”
When I burst into tears, poor Jack had no idea what to do. How could he? He didn’t understand what he said to cause my emotional outburst. Just moments before I’d been calming down. I was so humiliated by my breakdown, that I tried to hide my sobs ineffectually in my hands. There was no controlling the tears that flowed freely now. I didn’t want Jack to see me like this or to know just what an awful person I was.
Jack recovered quickly from his shock. He reached out for me, pulling me into his arms. My initial instinct was to pull back. I’d never been held like that by a man before. But then he felt so warm, so strong. Just like the day he’d carried
me in the woods. My head lay on his chest, and I could hear the steady beating of his heart. Slowly my crying came under control, to the point where I was almost breathing normally. I looked up at Jack with tears still in my eyes. He was looking at me with concern in his eyes. His beautiful brown eyes were so loving, so kind. Would he still look at me this way, when he knew just how awful I truly was?
“I said that to her,” I finally managed to mumble out.
“Said what?” he asked brushing my hair out of my eyes. Where his fingers touched my skin, he left trails of heat running up my cheek. I didn’t deserve his warmth.
“I told her to get over it. I told her to get over her dead husband already.” I pulled away from his arms, curling myself up into a ball on my side of the couch. My head I tucked into my knees. “I’ve never said something so horrible in my whole life. I was mad at her for treating me like a child and for being so difficult with everyone. And when she told me she’d always looked out for me because I needed her to. I lost it.
“When she lost Andy, it was me who kept us alive. She checked out. And when she said that to me…”
“The anger, you’d felt over her emotionally abandoning you, surfaced.”
I pulled my head back up to see Jack watching me, with those same kind eyes. There was no judgement in them, just concern. I nodded.
“I just wanted her to stop being so angry with everyone. It feels like she’s intentionally sabotaging our chances here, because of her fears. The last time we trusted strangers…” I couldn’t finish. The memory of that time still haunted me. It haunted both April and I for very different reasons. The death of my brother-in-law hit me hard, but that wasn’t the only horrible thing that happened that day. It wasn’t a story I was ready to share with Jack or anyone else for that matter. April and I hadn’t even really talked about the events of that day.
Jack didn’t have to push to understand what I was talking about. Their community was fairly sheltered, but even they’d had their fair share of interactions with hostile strangers. It was the reason Billy had reacted the way he did in the forest, when he first met me and my sister. Jack had trusted us though and I had trusted him almost instinctually.
Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga Page 10