Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga

by Becky Poirier

  I blocked his progress as I moved my hands underneath his shirt. I caught him off guard. His lips moved away from my neck as I lifted his shirt halfway up his strong abs. He looked down at me with a huge grin on his face as he took over, ripping his shirt off and tossing it on the floor.

  I’d gotten through to him. He was no longer interested in taking it slow. I was pretty sure he’d done that for my sake, mistakenly thinking that was what I wanted. Now he knew better. He had my shirt off in half the time I’d taken to remove his. I lay back down on the pillow as he pressed down into my body with the radiant heat of his skin on mine.

  With soft butterfly kisses, his lips made their way up my abs to my breasts, which were sadly still covered. I thought about taking my bra off, but I really wanted him to do that part. He continued kissing his way up my chest, kissing the parts of my breasts that were exposed. With his thumbs, he managed to push my right bra strap out of the way of his lips. His hands wrapped around my back drawing me in even closer to him. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. I was sure my heart was beating just as fast. His lips were back on my neck as his hands moved back down my waist, until he found my hands. He interlocked our fingers as his lips moved back towards mine.

  I was kissing him back fiercely, as though my very survival depended on me being with him. He lifted my hands up so that my arms stretched above my head. He was holding on so tight. It wasn’t aggressive, but it didn’t matter. That one single movement sent cold shivers down my spine, replacing all the heat that had been there only seconds before. Desire shattered, making way for fear as the room around me dissolved, pushing me into a memory I’d thought I’d buried.

  The fear rose up as I cried out, “Stop. Get off me.”

  Chapter Twenty

  I was shaking uncontrollably as Jack and the room slowly grew back into focus, pulling me back into the present. The fear I’d felt just moments ago, gave way to utter humiliation. Jack’s body hovered above my own, drawn as far away from me as possible, as he stared down at me. He was asking me something. I think he wanted to know if I was okay. Probably wanted to know why I’d gone from horny to psycho in three-seconds flat. But I was still struggling to fully come back from the memory.

  It was like the room was still spinning in and out of focus and I was fighting to gain a foothold in reality. I might have stayed that way for a while longer, if it wasn’t for the brush of cold air that hit me as April opened the door. She took one look at me and then Jack and I could see the rage building in her eyes. I’d seen that look before. It was the same look she’d given the two men from my memory.

  April came rushing towards us and that was when I finally came back to myself. I sat up and rushed to place myself between my sister and Jack. “Stop April. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

  She looked at my half naked state and I could tell she didn’t agree. I pulled my bra strap back up over my shoulder and tried not to be embarrassed by the fact that my shirt was still on the floor. This wasn’t exactly how I’d planned my first time to go. This was awful.

  “What are you even doing back here? You’re supposed to be on clean-up,” I said accusingly. I could sense Jack behind me was trying to keep out of this. He was probably so confused at this point; it was a wonder he hadn’t already taken off.

  “They had enough hands. They didn’t need me tonight. What the hell were you doing to my sister?” She said turning her attention back to Jack.

  I didn’t give him the chance to respond to her. “Nothing I didn’t want him to.”

  “That scream didn’t sound like you were exactly enjoying yourself.” I didn’t even remember screaming. I remembered shouting out the same words I’d said to the two guys in the memory; but I didn’t remember screaming. Though I’d done that back then too.

  “Please April,” I begged. My body was still shaking. It was all I could do to keep my voice even. “I need to talk to Jack alone. I swear he did nothing wrong. This was all me. Please just give us that.” She eyed me, then Jack.

  “Fine,” she finally agreed. “But,” she said as she bent over to pick up Jack’s and my shirts, “you two will be fully clothed for this conversation.” She tossed our shirts at us. I rolled my eyes; but put my shirt over my head. Jack did the same. He remained silent throughout my conversation with April. Though I said I wanted it, I was really dreading talking to him about this. I never planned on talking about it ever, but now there really wasn’t an option. “And you two can go sit on the couch.”

  We didn’t bother arguing with her. I didn’t know about Jack, but I wasn’t exactly comfortable being on the bed with him, after my embarrassing display. April waited until we were both on the couch before she left the cabin. I had a feeling she wouldn’t go far. I only hoped that she’d have the decency to not eaves drop. We waited for a couple minutes to make sure she was gone. Well at least that was the excuse I was using. I couldn’t even look at Jack. Not knowing what he was thinking, terrified me.

  Unlike me, Jack was always good at reading people. Especially me. He reached out for my hands and held them in his gently. “What happened?” he asked, with such kindness that I felt my fear waver slightly. Hesitantly, I looked up into his eyes. They were so full of love, that it made it harder to tell him. I didn’t want him to see me as weak.

  “I don’t really know why or what happened. All I know was that one moment I was with you, enjoying myself,” I said bashfully. “And the next I was back in the last place April, and I had called home. It was the last day we were there. It’s not something I like to think about, let alone talk about.”

  “You can trust me. You can tell me anything.” He was so kind, so genuine. I wanted to tell him. I’d held it in so long, that I’d made myself believe that it didn’t bother me. That it wasn’t real. That it didn’t affect me anymore, but that was clearly a lie.

  I opened up for the first time since it happened. I told Jack how our last group had been one that both April and I didn’t trust, but we’d stayed because Andy convinced us. I told him about the two brothers, Simon, and Logan. How both April and I got a creepy vibe from them. And we’d ignored it because of Andy.

  We’d been with that group for nearly a month, always on our guard around them. Especially the brothers, who were in charge. They had a control over the group that didn’t feel natural. It wasn’t like they did anything to gain loyalty. They were probably the laziest ones in the group, rarely ever going on scavenging missions. What they lacked in ambition, they made up for in brawn and cunning. They were very good manipulators.

  April and I never really discussed our misgivings about the brothers. We really had no proof. It was always just a feeling. For the first time in nearly a year, we’d found ourselves in a secure location. We had food to eat every day and a clean water supply, which was a rare commodity these days. We kept our misgivings to ourselves.

  Still, I remained on guard all the time. I could see April doing the same. Andy was the only one of us who ever managed to truly relax among the group. April and I had this unspoken rule that we’d never be out of each other’s sight. But one day I broke that rule.

  “It was so stupid,” I said, not to Jack but to myself. “I should have known better.”

  It was just a headache. There were pain killers in our stores, but no one got anything without the brothers’ say so, and I knew it came at a cost. The price was different for everyone. With the way Simon looked at me, I didn’t have any desire to find out what payment he’d request of me. The price my friend, Malcom had to pay, was a favour he’d have to pay up on when asked. The refusal to pay the debt, would lead to his banishment. When Malcom’s bill came due, Simon told him to tell my sister that I’d taken off with the earlier group to go scavenge. When in reality, I’d gone to the small old office I shared with April and Andy for sleeping quarters.

  I never intended to fall asleep. All I wanted was to rest my head for ten minutes, before I went scavenging with my sister. But I fell asleep anyways and wh
en I woke up, it was to Logan holding my arms forcefully above my head and Simon sitting on top of me.

  As I told Jack, I kept my eyes on the fireplace. My lip quivered as I struggled to speak. I’d felt fear before. Everyone in our world was very familiar with that feeling. But this was a whole new terror. I knew by the time April and Andy returned, that it would be too late. I also knew that I lacked the strength to put up a proper fight. That didn’t mean, I didn’t try.

  I fought against the weight of Logan’s arms hopelessly. When I realized that wasn’t going to work, I went after Simon, who was eyeing me with a lust that made my stomach turn. I smashed my knee upward with all the force I could muster, hitting the sweet spot just like I’d intended to. He fell off me for a moment, grunting in dramatic fashion as he cursed at me.

  Simon unfortunately regained his composure faster than I would have liked. I was busy twisting my arms, to loosen Logan’s grip, when Simon flung himself back on top of me. He glared at me with his face full of rage as he swung the back side of his hand against my cheek. The room spun as I fought to gain back control of my faculties. I could feel Simon’s hands moving down my body to the button of my pants. I screamed, despite the fact I was positive no one would be able to hear me. Simon and Logan were too smart to keep anyone around. Not that the others would have dared challenge them.

  I paused looking up at Jack. He wasn’t judging me, like I worried he might. I should have known better by now. Instead, he wore a look of anger for the two men he’d never met. He pulled in closer to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “It’s okay. You’re safe now.” I knew he was right. It didn’t change what happened though.

  “It’s my fault,” I cried.

  He looked at me confused. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve heard stories about the cruelty of men outside our community, but I never believed that it could really be that bad. You don’t have to fear them or anyone else anymore.”

  I shook my head. He didn’t understand. “They didn’t do what you think they did,” I said stopping him. He looked relieved. Not that it would have changed how he felt about me, but because he didn’t want to think about anyone hurting me like that. “They didn’t get to do anything, because April walked in before they could.”

  She’d known Malcom was lying. Malcom had been good at fulfilling his debt. He’d managed to separate Andy and April from each other as well as me. However, he hadn’t predicted how intuitive my sister really was. She didn’t believe for one moment that I would go off scavenging without her. Andy would. He’d done it before. But I never would. She knew Malcom was lying and apparently, she beat the truth out of him. It was the only way he’d confess the truth. She’d run away from the group she’d been scavenging with, despite their protests. I think they knew what Simon and Logan had planned for me and they didn’t want to end up on the wrong side of the brothers’ wrath.

  April burst through the door just in time. My sister looked at me and must have seen the terror in my eyes. Because when she turned her attention to Logan, her features were so full of rage. He barely had time to raise his hands in submission before my sister let the bullet fly through his skull.

  The sound rang through the air making my ears ring as I tried to gain my wits about me. I could see Logan’s lifeless body lying against the concrete wall. My sister was an excellent shot. She’d put the bullet right between his eyes. He’d died instantly. Simon leapt off me. I would have thought, given the person he was, that he would have been enraged over his brother’s death, but instead he cowered away from my sister with his hands in the air.

  “Please don’t kill me,” he quivered. “I swear I’ll never hurt her again.”

  My sister smiled, but it wasn’t happy, it was creepy. Her face full of malice. Her grin twisted. “You’re right. You’re never going to hurt her or anyone else ever again.” She shot again, but this time she didn’t aim for his head. She shot him straight between the legs. He let out a blood curdling scream as he dropped to the floor, with his hands covering what he no longer had.

  April and I both heard footsteps running down the hall and we were both sure the others had returned early. But to our relief we saw Andy. He took one look at me, then at Logan’s lifeless body and Simon cursing and crying in the corner. I could see the guilt flood through him. He walked over to his wife and took the gun out of her shaking hands.

  “Get Summer up. We’re leaving now!” he said forcefully.

  My sister came back to her senses as she reached down to the floor to help me up. I was still shaking, barely able to catch my breath. Simon was still moaning and cursing in the corner. “We can’t leave him alive,” my sister said regretfully. She wanted him to suffer. So, did I. But I also didn’t want to kill him.

  Gaining my voice back I told her, “No, he needs to live. He needs to be a warning to the others. They need to see that when you mess with us, you lose.” My sister pulled me in tightly to her chest. I could feel the pride flowing through her.

  “Andy, you tie him up,” April ordered. “Summer and I will go raid the supplies. We leave in ten minutes.”

  “What happened?” Jack asked. I could tell that despite himself; he was really interested in hearing this story. I’d told him a lot about my family, but little about my life on the road. Before he’d gotten just little snippets, but this was what he’d been waiting for. For me to open up about everything.

  “We should have killed him,” I said, as the tears spilled over. “If he were dead, he wouldn’t have been able to rally the others against us. They would have been pissed about the loss of food and supplies, but they wouldn’t have known how to track us. We didn’t know the vehicle we stole had a tracking device on it. We never would have even considered that. We were sure those things didn’t work anymore. But they found a way to make it work. And they tracked us down.

  “April drove. She made me hide in the back seat. Andy shot at the group that was pursuing us. I should have helped him. He managed to blow out their tire, but they managed to fire one last shot. They shot Andy. He died because of me. It’s my fault,” I moaned as I looked up at Jack through tear-filled eyes.

  Jack didn’t get a chance to respond before the door opened. April clearly wasn’t capable of giving us the privacy I’d requested. “It’s not your fault,” she whispered through tears. Neither one of us had talked about that day since. She’d lost her husband and shut down and the guilt I felt kept me quiet.

  “Yes, it is. I shouldn’t have let down my guard. I shouldn’t have told you to let Simon live. And I should have helped Andy when the others came shooting at us.” Tears were flowing freely down on my cheeks. I had no desire to stop them. It was a relief to finally shed them.

  Jack was so silent, I almost forgot he was there. April didn’t act like he was even in the room. This was a conversation for the two of us. And I think Jack knew that too.

  “You two should talk,” he suggested, as he stood to leave. I leapt up off the couch trying to stop him. He put his hands on my shoulders to calm the fear he saw in me. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning. This doesn’t change anything between us,” he reassured me, as he planted a sweet kiss on my forehead. I nodded into his lips before he let me go.

  April stood staring at me as Jack walked past her and out the door. The cold air rustled the flames in the fireplace before settling down. I sat back down on the sofa defeated. April placed herself between me and the fireplace. She knew I had a habit of staring at the flames, rather than acknowledging awkward situations.

  “I could blame you, but then I’d also have to blame myself,” she said with a sigh.

  “How do you figure that?”

  “I shouldn’t have left you alone for a moment, especially knowing how Simon looked at you. I knew he wanted you and I also knew he didn’t care if you wanted him back. I should have listened to my instincts and told Andy we were leaving the day after we came to that place. I should have put my foot down.”

  I shook my head. “It�
��s not your fault. We all decided to stay, and you shouldn’t have to watch me all the time. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  She smiled sadly at me. “You’re right, I didn’t. Neither did you. The truth is, we could go on blaming ourselves. I know I’ve done my fair share of self-blame and I’ve certainly blamed Andy an awful lot. But it doesn’t matter. We didn’t do anything wrong. We took a chance and they used us. They were the ones in the wrong. What happened…” her voice broke as she fought back the tears. “I wish he were still here, but he isn’t. And I can’t fix that, neither can you. All we can do is live and be grateful for the life we still have and the fact that we still have each other.”

  April sat down beside me. I collapsed into her shoulder, like I had so many nights after the virus first broke out. She rubbed her fingers through my hair as I shook. “I don’t know how to let go. I thought I had. But when I was with Jack…I mean when we…”

  “When you were about to have sex,” she finished my sentence. She was almost laughing at my awkwardness. I think the only thing that held her back was seeing the distress in my eyes.

  “The memory came flooding back. What if that happens again? I want to be with Jack. I don’t want to let what Simon almost did, ruin my future with the man I love.”

  She held me tightly; but didn’t respond right away. I could sense that she was trying to come up with an adequate answer. If our father were still with us, no doubt he would have insisted on counseling sessions. It was, after all his job. He was good at it too. Though talking about this stuff with him would have been even more awkward than talking about it with April.

  “We’ll just have to figure it out. We don’t need to worry about it tonight. Jack isn’t going anywhere. As annoyed as I am at what he almost did with you…I do see that he’s a good guy. You’re lucky. They’re hard to come by, especially in this world. I should know.”