It made sense. When Jack held me down, it brought me back to that moment when I’d been restrained and felt utterly helpless. If I were in charge, there wouldn’t be that same feeling and hopefully I could keep another flashback from surfacing. I doubted Jack would mind too much, relinquishing control. Still there was the nervousness of having no clue what I was doing. But I desperately wanted to get past this hurtle in our relationship, so I was willing to do whatever it took to do that, perhaps not now, but hopefully soon. I knew I still had some things to work through first. I just hoped Jack would be patient while I did.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I certainly tried my best throughout the rest of my day, to let go of what I’d been holding onto for so long. But talking about it had only made me think about it more. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was seeing memories from new angles. Often more positively. I was trying to stop blaming myself for Andy’s death. That was out of my hands. Some of my choices lead to his death, but it wasn’t all on me. The three of us had a hand in what played out. And holding onto it wasn’t going to bring him back.
While thinking about my life before the village was a positive step in the right direction, it was also a very distracting one. Kaia more than once had to get my attention, on behalf the children I was supposed to be instructing. I felt bad. Charlie had really been looking forward to this class and I was so absent that I wasn’t really helping him; or the others make any progress on their Christmas projects. I promised them all that we’d get more accomplished the next day; but I wasn’t sure if it was a promise, I could keep.
After the kids left, Kaia tried to get me to talk about what was going on. I’d talked enough. Instead of letting yet another person into my messed-up mind; I opted for politely diverting our conversation to safer topics. She eventually got the hint and gave up.
By the time we were done cleaning up in the sewer’s cottage, my stomach was practically growling at me. There was no avoiding the dining hall for dinner. I needed to eat, which meant seeing both Jack and April. I missed the good old days when I was kid, when I could run away and hide somewhere on our property, and no one would find me for hours. Here that wasn’t possible. I didn’t have my own room to go to, or playhouse to hide in.
The dining hall was unfortunately empty when I arrived. In a crowd I might have been able to steal away to a corner. It was highly unlikely, but at least a possibility. With it this empty, there was nowhere to hide. I got my food and sat down at my usual table. It wasn’t long before a tray was plunked down across from me. I hesitated to look up. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to see less. When I looked up and saw Jack’s eyes softly gazing into mine; I felt a small bit of relief. I was sure that I’d rather see April first, but apparently, I didn’t even know my own mind.
April would have started prying right away. But Jack didn’t. Instead, he gave me a sweet smile and started eating. He didn’t try to get me to talk about my counselling session or why I wasn’t there at lunch. He was just content to be quiet. I finally relaxed, allowing myself to taste the food that I was eating. Up until that point, I’d just been chewing and swallowing out of habit.
We must have sat like that, both eating our food with no one speaking, while the room filled up for at least ten minutes. It was me who broke the silence first. “I’m not ready to talk about it,” I stated simply.
“Then we won’t,” he replied, with a genuine smile. “I’m not going anywhere.” He’d said that to me before. And I think I was finally starting to believe him.
It wasn’t long before April joined us and then Billy. Billy seemed oblivious to what was going on, for which I was very grateful. At least Jack hadn’t told him, and I was pretty sure he shared most stuff with his brother. April probably would have been nosy if it weren’t for Billy’s presence, which I was incredibly grateful for.
Dinner would have been pleasant, if it weren’t for the one person I really couldn’t stand, interrupting our wonderful silence. Michelle was there once again to needle me. Not just me. I think she was hoping with enough poking and prodding she could get my sister to blow her stack. I was busy tuning her out, focusing on Jack. He was focusing just as intently on me. I’m not sure if either one of us was listening to what she was saying. All I knew was that it was nasty, but that was a give-in with her.
“What’s you’re problem?” My sister blurted out, as her control gave way. For the first time since April joined us, I took in her appearance. Both her eyes and nose were red. And she looked exhausted. Normally her question would have had more power and anger behind it, but she was just too tired. It looked like her counselling session had been as fun as mine.
“I don’t have any problem,” Michelle replied in a chipper voice. She was way too happy. It was unsettling to say the least. “In fact, life is going to get really good here for me in a couple of days.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Billy asked with a lot more anger than my sister had. I couldn’t tell who he was defending. My sister or Jack. Possibly both.
“Oh, you’ll see. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year. And this Christmas I’m getting just what I asked for.” With that, Michelle took off practically skipping towards the buffet table.
“I don’t know if I like her happy any more than I like her pissed off,” Billy said once she was out of earshot. “It’s downright unnatural.”
I stole a glance at Jack. He was worried and one look from me, and he could tell I was worried too. She had something up her sleeve and we needed to figure it out fast. Billy was right. Michelle pissed off was easy enough to ignore, but her happy was scary. If it weren’t for April and Billy’s presence, I would have told Jack what Michelle had said earlier. But I didn’t want to upset April anymore today. This wasn’t her fight. It was mine and Jack’s. I told Jack I could handle Michelle. That she wouldn’t get in the way of our relationship. I was beginning to wonder if I was just being naïve.
After dinner I asked April if she’d do me the favour of allowing Jack to walk me home alone. While it was probably the last thing she wanted to do, she did consent. I could tell she had a lot on her mind and was eager to have a deep discussion. I knew there was no avoiding it, but right now I really needed to talk to Jack about Michelle.
Jack and I walked back to my place in the freezing cold. The temperature had dropped significantly over the last twenty-four hours and with the sunset, it was a cold that seeped into your bones. My cabin would be just as cold as it was out here, until I managed to start a fire.
The entire time Jack and I walked, I wanted to start up the conversation, but between my teeth chattering and anxiety building inside me, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Jack was just like he had been at dinner. He was waiting patiently for me to start the conversation. I was so used to April’s non-stop prying, that dealing with Jack’s gentle silence was a little uncomfortable.
Jack sat down and waited on the couch as I started the fire. It was clear from his last attempt at starting a fire, that I was the one with superior skills in that department. My hands were shaking so bad, from the cold or possibly nerves, that I could barely manage to strike the match. But once I did, I managed to get the kindling burning affectively within a couple of minutes.
I grabbed one of the blankets off the bed and as I sat down beside Jack, I tossed it over the both of us. He pulled me into his side, without hesitation. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed.
“You know she’s up to something, don’t you?”
He sighed in reply as he kissed the top of my head. “I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ll figure it out and then we’ll find a way to deal with whatever scheme she’s come up with.”
“She seems really sure of herself. I’ve never seen her this confident. You should have seen the way she was going on this morning.”
“What did she say this morning?”
I quickly gave him a rundown of our less than pleasant conversation. He tried to hide the worry in
his eyes, but it was too late. “I can’t lose you,” I whispered as I pulled in closer to him. He wrapped his arm tightly around me. I could feel his heart beating rapidly beneath my hand. Just last night, that had been the most amazing feeling in the world. But now I knew it wasn’t beating out of love, or desire. This was fear. And if Jack was afraid, then I should be too.
“You’re not going to. I told you, I’m not going anywhere. No matter what, you have me.”
I pulled away from him so I could get a better look into his beautiful golden eyes. “How can you be so sure.”
“Because I love you,” he said it as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. I couldn’t help but smile as a tear rolled down my cheek. For weeks now I’d been waiting to hear those words. I’d imagined a hundred different conversations that would lead to him saying it. But never would I have guessed that Michelle would be the push to finally say it.
“I love you too…but…”
“But what?”
“In this world, love isn’t always enough. People lose each other all the time.”
“It’s not the same as it was on the outside. In here, we can make it. I know we can. I promise you that whatever Michelle has planned, cannot for one second change how much I love you. She can’t do anything about that.
“I never thought I’d find you. I thought real love just couldn’t exist in a world so cold. But then I saw you and from the moment I laid eyes on you, I felt a connection to you I couldn’t explain. It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with you. I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you. I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“That you wouldn’t be able to say it back.”
I laid my head back down on his shoulder and reached out for his hand. Our fingers intertwined. “I’ve wanted to say those words to you for so long, but I was afraid you’d think I was just another obsessed psycho. I mean, who falls in love this fast. It’s insane right?” I asked looking up at him.
He leaned down and gave me one slow soft kiss. When he pulled away, he was smiling one of those genuine smiles that reached up into his eyes. “If so, then I guess we can be crazy together.”
When Jack and I finally managed to say goodnight to each other, I walked him to the door. We were standing inside, both of us not willing to really let go of the other. Jack’s hand reached for the doorknob at least five times, but each time one of us or both of us would pull the other in for one last kiss. We must have kept doing that for at least ten minutes.
“Oh, come on already,” April called through the door. “Just say goodnight already so I can come in. It’s freezing out here.” I blushed as Jack opened the door. “It’s about damn time,” she said as she walked past the two of us, shaking with cold. She plunked herself down on the couch without bothering to look back at us.
We both knew that it was her cue for us to call it a night. I didn’t want him to leave. Not that I felt like I had the other night. I wasn’t sure when I’d be truly ready to attempt that again. But I wanted to lie next to him all night. To feel the warmth of his body next to me. I could see it in his eyes too. Leaving was the last thing he wanted to do. April grumbled something about ‘stupid puppy love’ as she reached for the blanket on the couch and threw it on top of herself.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered as he gave me one last soft kiss on the lips before leaving. When he was gone, the cold finally flooded back into me. Reluctantly, I closed the door before he was completely out of sight.
I went and lay down on my bed, snuggling up with my pillow as I closed my eyes. “I said I’d let him walk you home. I never said I’d wait out in the freezing cold for twenty minutes while you made-out.”
I opened my eyes back up to see April hovering over me. “I’m tired. Can we do this another night.”
She sat down on the bed beside me. Guess not. I leaned on my elbow to raise myself up to look at her. Her cheeks were still red, as was her nose. She looked every bit as exhausted as I felt. I’d hoped that exhaustion would be enough to stave off this conversation. But apparently it was going to happen now. I sat up, fully resting my head against the wall as I crossed my legs in front of me.
“Go ahead. Say what you need to say. But can we just make this quick. It’s been a long day.”
“I’m sorry,” she said softly.
I looked at her with confusion. “For what?”
“For not seeing how much you were hurting. For not seeing how Andy’s death affected you. For not listening to your opinion. For not being there when…” I put my hand up to stop her.
“Don’t ever apologize for that. It wasn’t your fault and I’ve never blamed you for that.”
“But you blame yourself?”
“I don’t think blame really matters anymore. Do you? Blaming ourselves for mistakes we made doesn’t undo them. What happened, happened and I just really want to move on.”
“But you’re not. You’re holding onto it just like I am. We can’t actually let it go unless we talk about it.”
“You know you’re sounding like dad right now?” April smiled back at me.
“Please just talk to me Summer. I know you’ve been holding things back for months. And for some reason it only got worse once we came here. The pastor said there was something you needed to tell me but were afraid to. Please just tell me.”
I shook my head in frustration. Pastor Lewis said he wouldn’t tell April about my vision, but apparently him telling April I had some big secret was okay. I’d trusted him. Trust wasn’t something I did easily, and he had to know it was highly unlikely that I’d ever confide in him again after this. So why would he do it?
I dared to look back at April. There was worry in her eyes. I remembered a similar look in her eyes, when she was preparing to tell our dad that she was pregnant. She needed to know he was sorry. Whether she believed I really saw him or not I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I did what the pastor knew I would do. I started talking about my near-death experience.
I told her about the light and about seeing our father walk out of it. I told her about the choice he gave me. And then, though the words threatened to stick in my throat, I told her about what our father said. About his regret. I left out the cryptic message our father gave me about whether anyone else from our family was still alive. If she thought there was any hope, the moment spring came, she’d be outside the gate. And I couldn’t go with her.
The entire time I talked, she had this glassy look in her eyes. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking at all. I hated it when she did that.
“Say something,” I finally said, breaking the deafening silence between us.
“I’m glad you told me,” was all she said. And then she stood up walked over to the couch, arranged her pillow, and lay down to go to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The next morning April was still sleeping soundly on the couch as I headed for the dining hall for my shift. I always hated the breakfast shift. I’d never exactly been a morning person. It didn’t help that I never used to sleep. Now it was like my body was trying to make up for lost time. Even the cold morning air wasn’t enough to wake me up. My eyes kept threatening to close, as I attempted to navigate the slippery path.
There weren’t too many people awake currently. If it hadn’t been for the alarm clock in our room, there was no way I would have woken up on time. Such accessories were considered luxuries. I was only allowed the device, so that I’d show up for my shift on time. Punctuality was very important here.
I was among the last to arrive for breakfast duty. I signed myself in and went about cracking eggs into a large bowl. Hopefully, I could scramble eggs while I slept, because my body still wasn’t ready to be fully alert. I think a couple people tried engaging me in conversation, but I just nodded and continued with my task. At least it was boring and easy. Someone tried to offer me a cup of coffee, but the smell itself turned my stomach.
“She prefers tea,” a familiar voic
e said from behind me. Jack reached around me offering me a steaming up of green tea.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were working the dinner shift today.”
He smiled as I took a small sip of the hot tea. Warmth slowly flowed through my body. As my body slowly started to wake up, I was able to take in Jack’s appearance. He looked nearly as exhausted as he had the other day, after my humiliating incident. I wondered if he’d been up all-night stressing over what Michelle was plotting.
“I switched with Billy. I needed to talk to you,” he said nervously. He stood beside me preparing the pancake batter.
“About what?” I asked apprehensively.
“Not here,” he whispered. “Too many ears.” I looked around the room and noticed a couple of people were eyeing us while pretending to work. I knew Michelle didn’t have any friends, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have a certain control over some people. She did have some influence with her father and a good word from her could mean a better rank in the community.
“When? Where?” I whispered back as I poured the eggs into a hot skillet.
“After breakfast. At our spot.” I nodded.
Both the tea and Jack’s nervous demeanor were enough to fully rouse me. I no longer felt the fog of sleep deprivation. Jack knew something, and the anticipation of finding out what that something was, was enough to make me go crazy. I came up with several different ideas of what Michelle was up to, but each sounded crazier than the last. I nearly burnt a whole batch of eggs while pondering over everything. If Jack hadn’t roused me from my state, I would have had to toss the batch out. It wasn’t like I could just go get more eggs from the chicken coop. The eggs we had were the only ones they’d produced for the day.
Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga Page 22