by Ana Layne
“I’d love that.” Her fiery eyes stare into mine.
I grin as my gut twists with a burning desire I’ve never experienced before with a woman. How can one woman make everything seem so right? Can’t be love, it’s way too soon. Or is it? I don’t know what this is but for the first time in my life the sensation of being complete overwhelms me and I don’t want to spend a single moment without her.
As her eyelashes close, she lays her head on my chest. In mere minutes, she is snoring softly.
Holy shit. I don’t think in my wildest dreams I would have imagined this happening tonight. Here I am in my bed with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen lying on my chest. I’ve never brought a woman home and never had the desire too. Breaking the rules, that’s what I was doing tonight. Problem is, will she regret this in the morning? There is no way in hell I do. I don’t want things to be awkward, but I’m so scared they will be.
The last thing I do before I let myself fall asleep is breathe her scent in and take in everything about her. I kiss her hair and sigh again as her scent takes over my soul. I don’t want to sleep because that means morning will come, and in the morning she’ll leave and who knows when she’ll be back.
If it were up to me, she’d be here more often and not just because she had too much to drink. She said she’d love to see me again outside the gym, and I vow to ask her out tomorrow. I want to show her I am a gentleman and that I’d do anything in this world for her.
But that’s fantasy land and this is reality.
Who am I kidding?
Fuck it—I’m going to hold her all night long and not let her go. She meant what she said, I know it.
Chapter 9
Raegan
I open my eyes and realize I’m in bed next to Garrett wearing one of his t-shirts and my head feels a little foggy.
Damn panty droppers!
I’m never going to drink again. Did we have sex? God, I really hope not. Not that I don’t like him, but that’s not something I would want to do after having too much to drink, however much it was. I don’t want him thinking I’m some loose broad. If and when we ever have sex, I want to be fully aware of every touch and kiss involved. I want to experience everything he has to offer.
I clap my hand over my mouth to keep from shrieking; I kissed him last night. Kissed him in this bed and he kissed me back before I passed out. And damn what a kiss it was. I told him I freaking liked him.
Ohmigod, Raegan, way to go!
How am I supposed to show my face at Lou’s now? He’s going to run and blab to everyone and then I’ll be the biggest joke in there. My brain is as fuzzy as a peach right now and another moment from last night creeps in, as I recall when he asked if he could see me again. I told him yes. Oh. My. Gosh. Did he mean it though?
The alarm clock reads three thirty-five in the morning, and I all but fly out the bed without waking him. I have to get home before Dad notices I’m not there.
Blindly, I fish for my jeans and slide them on. As I button them, I glance over at Garrett who is sleeping like a baby. The moon shining through the window casts an almost shimmering light on him; I didn’t think it was possible for him to look better than he already did but in that light, damn. I hate to leave and not say anything but I honestly don’t want to face him right now. I’m acting as if we fooled around, and we didn’t. I wish I could just open up to him. Maybe one day, but not now.
As I take one more look at Garrett, I can’t help but lean over and kiss his forehead. My lips linger for a moment, long enough to remember just how soft his touch is, and the saltiness of his skin. I fight back the tears that threaten to well up in my eyes as I realize we can’t be together no matter how badly either of us want it.
When I reach home, the lights are off in the house. I carefully tiptoe inside through the darkness and startle when Dad steps from the shadows of the kitchen and pulls me toward him.
“Where the hell have you been?” He growls. It’s so dark I can’t quite see his face. That’s what I think scares me the most right now. The thought of running back to my truck crosses my mind but for some reason I can’t get moving.
“I told you I was going out with some friends.” My voice sounds timid, small. “I’m an adult, Dad, I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You’re under my roof, so you’ll do what the hell I tell you!” He screams in my face, some of his spit sprays in my direction and I am glad he can’t make out my disgusted expression.
“Dad,” I choke out. “I’m going to bed, you should to. I love you, okay? We can get you some help, you can be yourself again. I wish I knew what happened to you.”
I try to tug away from him, but he grabs me by my hair and yanks me back. Crying out, I try to stabilize myself but instead I fall face first into the counter. Shit, that fucking hurts. His footsteps fade out as he mumbles something I can’t make out. The room spins for a few minutes and everything blurs into one giant mess, like my life.
I’ve never been more relieved to get to my room and lock the door behind me. Collapsing into the bed, I drown myself in my tears, wishing I could just disappear.
Why didn’t I just stay in Garrett’s bed? At least I was safe there. Facing Dad was inevitable though. Him being a cop made things hard because he could and would find me no matter where I went. As I close my eyes, I imagine Garrett next to me.
I sleep like shit. My head feels like someone hit it with a hammer. Fuck. Walking to the bathroom is a task in itself, but I know once I have some ibuprofen I’ll feel normal again. The house is quiet and I hope Dad isn’t home. It’s fairly early and I wish I could sleep longer but I have to get to the gym. Two ibuprofen and a drink of water later, I look in the mirror for the first time.
No. No, this isn’t happening. I gasp and choke back a sob. My eye is black and blue from the counter, it looks like someone decked me good, and I can’t say it’s from the fight because I was with Garrett afterward.
No amount of makeup is going to cover this and make it unnoticeable. I am so screwed. I can’t go to kickboxing and I can’t go into Lou’s like this. But I can’t back out either; Howard is taking a chance on me and I can’t let him down. I slide on some black yoga pants and a green t-shirt, deciding I need to let him know I can’t train today, at least not until this bruise vanishes.
My big sunglasses are on my face to hide the nasty bruise before I walk out the door. Tears are welling in my eyes. I’m embarrassed to show my face anywhere, even at the gas station. Even with the glasses on, I feel like everyone driving on the freeway can see straight through to what I’m really hiding and I hate it.
Relief washes over me when I see no one’s vehicle but Howard’s, and for a split second, I bravely walk inside. I don’t take my sunglasses off though. Howard is lifting weights as I walk in and he stops as soon as he sees me.
“You’re early, Raegan, what’s up?” There’s a light sheen of sweat over his skin as he makes his way toward me. I tense, wondering if Whitney is here too.
“I, um, can I talk to you?”
“Sure.” He nods toward the office.
Whitney’s in there on the computer looking at baby stuff. I gulp, hoping to God she doesn’t see my face. She offers a friendly smile but it doesn’t work for me now.
“Hey, Raegan! I wanted to tell you good job again for last night. You’ll be amazing in no time. Oh, I heard you and Garrett went out for a little last night. Was he a gentleman? If not, you tell me and I’ll kick his—”
“Whitney, out for a second, babe. I need to talk to Raegan.”
I’m grateful Howard saves the moment. Just thinking about leaving Garrett makes me want to cry again.
As Whitney walks out, I touch her arm and assure her, “He was perfect, Whitney, we had a great time.”
She hugs me, and Howard clears his throat one more time.
“Sorry,” she whispers, and steps outside the office.
The door shuts and I hold my breath for a few seconds, trying to collect my
self. I need to say what I have to and leave before Garrett gets here.
“What’s going on, Raegan? Why in the world are you wearing sunglasses in here?”
Tears spring forward. It takes everything I have not to start sobbing in front of him. “I can’t come in today. I just wanted to let you know. I’ll come in when I can. I’m sorry, Howard.”
“Is this because of last night? Are you overwhelmed because you lost? You did damn good for your first fight. You’ll get better. Don’t give up, Raegan.”
“No, you don’t get it. I can’t train right now.”
He is seeing straight through me and I know it.
“Take off the sunglasses, Raegan. Please.”
“No.” I’m trembling. “I can’t.”
His massive hand reaches for mine as he stares into my eyes, begging me to trust him. Trust isn’t easy for me, but I have to take that leap. He already knows shit at home isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
At last, I let out a huge breath and slowly remove the glasses. They aren’t even halfway off when his eyes widen and several cuss words fly from his lips.
“That’s not from Marley. What the hell happened, Raegan?”
“Please, Howard, I can’t train. What am I supposed to say to them? I can’t do it. It’s not from her and everyone knows it.”
The tears I’ve been fighting come out all at once and Howard moves across the room and wraps his big burly arms around me. He’s telling me things will be okay, and for some reason I believe him.
“You and I will train when no one else is here until that disappears. If they ask where you are, leave that to me, I’ll handle it. Are you okay at home? You can crash with me and Whitney or we can find you somewhere safe until you’re on your feet. I’m not okay with any of this going on, especially that.” He releases me, and points at my eye. I hang my head in shame. “No one’s going to be here for at least two hours. Are you up to getting out there for a little today?”
“I am, but what about Whitney? She’s going to see.”
“She won’t say anything to anyone, I’m here to focus on you and help you. You can trust us.”
Looking into his eyes, I know he is right. “Let’s do this.”
I leave the glasses in the office and step out onto the mat with him.
“Okay, I’m going to throw some hits and you block them. Keep your hands up at all times; don’t let me get one in. Stay on guard.”
I nod my head and immediately get into the zone. He throws three hits that I block and almost takes me down but I swing back and knock him in his jaw. He grins and we go at it again until sweat is dripping from my forehead. I catch him off guard and take him down for the win. What he doesn’t know is that with every punch I throw or block, I don’t picture Howard in front of me. All my energy is focused on seeing Dad coming at me; in my imagination, I come out on top every time.
“That’s how you do it, Raegan. Perfect.” He pulls himself off the mat and I can hear Whitney laughing as she approaches us.
“The weight bench is set for her when you’re ready.” Howard nods at her, and for the first time I face her without the sunglasses. I can see the pity on her face, and I hate it. I don’t stop her as she throws her arms around my neck.
“Oh my God, Raegan, are you okay?”
“I will be. Please don’t tell your brother anything. Howard knows what’s going on.”
“Stay with us, please, I’m worried about you.” She glances at Howard, and he just nods, almost as if he hopes I’ll say yes.
“Whitney, I’ll be fine. This is why I’m here.”
“I won’t say anything to Garrett but he’s not going to settle for that, I’m just letting you know.”
“I don’t want him to think I’m avoiding him but he can’t see me like this.” A tear threatens to fall but I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I control my destiny.
Howard breaks up our girl talk to get me focused on training. Whitney follows like a little puppy to the weight bench and I grunt as I do five reps. Howard increases the weights by only a few pounds two reps in, and I can feel the burn through my arms. Between talking and training, we’ve burned an hour and a half and I know it’s time to go before anyone arrives, especially Garrett.
“Same time tomorrow, Raegan. Be careful. You know where we are if you need anything.”
“Thank you so much, Howard. You have no idea how much any of this means to me.”
I grab the sunglasses off the desk and wave to both of them before going back into the world. The world that constantly reminds me of everything I don’t want to be reminded of.
Lance pulls up just as I get into my truck. He looks like hell. I remember seeing him at the bar last night and he was quite hilarious.
“Hey, Raegan, where are you going?”
“Home. I came in a little early today.”
“Aww, hell, I was hoping to have my partner but I guess I’ll settle for Garrett.”
“Yeah, you’re just going to have to settle for second best. Were you a good sugar daddy last night?”
He grins, his eyes glimmering as I leave.
How the hell am I supposed to stay away from Garrett until this heals? He’s going to think I’m avoiding him and that I regret last night. If anything, I regret not staying in his bed lying on his chest. I know he’s not as cocky as he makes himself out to be. I felt safe there with him. Damn, I hate myself for all this mess. If he never speaks to me again, I completely understand but I hope he doesn’t do that. I’d be completely broken.
I pick up the phone and call the one person I miss more than anything, hoping to visit with her. She’s been in my life since I was four years old, the only motherly figure I’ve ever known since my biological mother died not long after I was born.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Raegan, how are you, hon? I miss you.”
“I’m, uh, okay I guess. Can I come see you?”
“Of course.”
I drive to Nancy’s apartment still wearing my sunglasses and as she opens the door, her smile reaches to meet her eyes. She tucks a short strand of her brown hair behind her ear and extends her arms to me. Without hesitation, I nuzzle against her. “I’m so glad to see you..”
“I’ve missed you so much Raegan. Come in.”
Her apartment is very relaxing. Maybe it’s the black raspberry vanilla candle she has lit in the kitchen or maybe the silent hum of the television on the local news channel. I don’t know what it is but I feel at peace here, with her.
I sit on the couch beside her and take a deep breath as I remove my sunglasses. She throws her hands over her mouth and a tear silently slides down her cheek.
“Did he—”
“Yes.”
“You can’t stay there anymore, Raegan. I have a spare room, please come here.”
“I can’t impose on you, Mom. I need to do this for myself. I joined a gym and I’m taking classes until I can save money to move out. I’ll be okay.”
“No, Raegan, he can’t do this to you too! You’ve done nothing to him.”
“It wasn’t him, honestly, I mean he didn’t physically punch me…it was the counter. He threw me forward and I lost balance. He was mad because I went out with a friend of mine. I shouldn’t have gone, it’s my fault. I knew he would be angry but I went anyway.”
She raises her voice in anger. “Do not try to justify any of this, Raegan. He’s wrong and he knows it. Get out of that house at least until he can get some help, please.”
“I’m working on it.. I met a guy. It’s funny because I hardly know him but he brings out everything in me I never thought I’d feel again. The worst part is, I was with him last night and he doesn’t know about this.” I gesture to the bruise on my face. “I’m scared he’s going to think I regret everything, but I don’t. I just can’t let him see me like this.”
That makes her lighten up a little. “I’m happy for you, Raegan. If he really likes you, he will understand, but you have to be honest w
ith him. I know none of this is easy to admit, especially to someone who may judge you.”
“I know.” I admit. “Enough about me, how have you been?”
“I’ve been good. Work is keeping me plenty busy but I can’t complain. Things take time, I still catch myself wondering what made everything collapse with your father like it did. I think he needs help but you and I both know he’s a stubborn man.”
“Yeah he is.” Stubborn as hell. I check the time on my cellphone and decide it’s best I try to head home. “I’m sorry to cut this short, but I probably should go, I just wanted to stop by and see you. I love you.”
She holds me as if she never wants to let go, squeezing tightly as she kisses my head. “You know you are welcome here anytime. I don’t care what time of day. You hear me?”
“Yes.”
As I make my way to the door, I grin before putting the sunglasses back on. Her words play through my head over and over again. Yes, I should be honest with him, but I’m not ready yet. This is my fight. For some crazy reason, I’m allowing myself to be in this position and I feel insignificant knowing everyone wants to help but this is my turmoil. I’m more than confident I can do this on my own, and I will. And when I do, I will finally know what it means to be liberated.
Chapter 10
Garrett
I was looking forward to seeing Raegan at the gym. She skipped out before I woke up and I pray she doesn’t regret anything. Today is the day I’m going to ask her out. I’m on the road to becoming a new man; Whitney is going to think I am possessed. Hell, I’m already beginning to believe it myself.
All of a sudden I realize I’m training with Lance. Raegan’s not here. She should have been here by now.
Shit. I fucked up by listening to her and lying beside her in the bed. I should have slept on the couch. But she wanted me to; that can’t be it. Maybe she’s just running late.
“Damn, Lance, you look like shit.” He appears fatigued, but what I’m assuming was caused by alcohol might be from everything he’s going through at home.