by Ana Layne
“You ready to get out of here, babe?” I tug at his arm but he doesn’t budge. His gaze meets mine.
“Why was he talking to you, Raegan? I saw him. He waited until I wasn’t here and he walked right up to you.”
James. Dammit. Nothing I do seems right. “He just wanted to say hi. Nothing more, I swear.”
“I’m just saying it didn’t look like nothing.”
“Why are you picking a fight with me, Garrett?”
“I’m not picking a fight, Raegan.” He raised his voice at me. He’s frustrated, I can tell, his face is turning red like it does when he’s in the ring. The face he gets before he annihilates his opponent. Everything inside me is screaming that I am the opponent right now. James didn’t hug me, he barely touched me. But talking to him was stupid, plain and simple. I hung my head as people passed by, whispering. They could hear it, and I was so humiliated.
“Calm down, Garrett. I told you it was nothing.”
“You want him back don’t you? I may have been up in the air, but I could see it. I’m not stupid, Raegan.” When he jabs his finger at me, I want to slap it away, but instead I just stare at him incredulously.
“Where are you getting this from? I don’t want him back. I love you. Where is this jealousy coming from?”
“Look, I’m sorry. Let’s go home, okay?”
I placed the teddy bear in the backseat of the truck before climbing in and securing my seatbelt. I turned the radio volume on low, anything to hear some sort of noise to kill this silence. While I’m furious over his jealousy, and the fact that he raised his voice at me, I’m scared at the same time.
When we arrive home, I toss the teddy bear on the couch and walk straight into the bathroom. The shower is on to drown out the silence, and to keep him from talking to me. If he could raise his voice at me, what else could he do? Could he be like my father? I’ve just escaped from an angry, damaged home, and I refuse to step into another. It occurs to me I still don’t know him that well at all. A stranger I’ve made the mistake of falling in love with. Would he hurt me? Either way, his behavior tells me to keep my distance.
There’s a faint knock at the door followed by his pleading voice. “Raegan, baby, I’m sorry. Please talk to me. I don’t know why I got so jealous. I just love you so much. I can’t lose you.”
I don’t say a word, even though he continues to plead for another few minutes before the silence returns. I need to breathe. I need to get out this house alone. I text Lance to see if he’s left the fair, and he agrees to pick me up for drinks at Joe’s.
When I step out of the bathroom, I go into the bedroom to change. He’s watching me intently, waiting for me to crack, but I still don’t speak. As I adjust my spaghetti strap blouse and dab on some lip gloss, I turn to face Garrett.
“I need some time to myself. I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up for me.”
“Where are you going?”
He takes my hand, his gaze still pleading. I stand my ground, telling him it’s none of his business. He doesn’t care for that answer but as I kiss him goodbye, he doesn’t argue. I tell him I’ll see him later, then I’m gone. As I step outside, even though the air is full of humidity, I feel like I can breathe again. Within a few seconds, Lance is in front of the apartment, and I tell him to drive away before Garrett notices.
“So, Raegan, you going to tell me what this is about?” Lance turned the radio down on purpose. Asshole. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to go sit at Joe’s, get a drink, and forget this mess.
“He lost his marbles because my ex came and said hi at the fair. It meant nothing. He raised his voice at me in front of people. I’ve never been more embarrassed or hurt in my life.”
Lance just listens, but then his phone buzzes and he looks at it before ignoring the call.
“It’s Garrett.” A minute later a text comes through on his phone and he shows it to me.
Raegan left to go out. If you head out, will you keep an eye on her? I fucked up.
“He doesn’t know I picked you up, does he? Great, now he’s going to kick my ass.”
“I needed to get out,” I said, my voice firm. “You didn’t see the look on his face at the fair. It’s the same look he gets in the ring. I’m scared, okay. Is that what you want to hear? What if he put his hands on me? I need my space.”
“Raegan, he wouldn’t dare hit you. He loves you. He won’t shut the hell up about you. I like you and all, but damn, the boy doesn’t stop. In a little bit, you need to let him know I’ve got you so he doesn’t worry.”
Letting out a sigh, I stare out the window until Lance taps my arm, handing me a bottle of beer. I scrunch up my nose, so he reaches down and pulls out a water bottle.
“Water, Lance? No thanks. I’ll wait ‘til we get there.”
“Water? Please. What kind of man do you think I am? It’s vodka.”
I open the bottle and sniff it. Sure enough, it’s vodka. I put the plastic bottle to my lips and throw back a quick sip. The liquid burns sliding down my throat and continues to burn for another few seconds before I open my eyes.
By the time he’s parked, I’m already buzzed. Groups of people walk past heading toward the doors. Lance stands beside me for a minute and then nudges my elbow. Shit, I need to text Garrett now. That’s why he handed me vodka, to loosen me up so this wouldn’t be so hard.
“Get to typing, missy, or I’ll do it for you. You don’t want that.”
You can do this Raegan. It’s just a damn text message. The sooner I send this text, the sooner I can go inside. Without over-thinking it, I just type.
I’m with Lance. Don’t worry.
Short and sweet. I slide the phone back in my pocket, then flash Lance a smile to let him know it’s done. Soon I’m standing in front of the bar waiting. Lance has some redhead practically sucking his ears clean and I want to barf as I sip my Long Island iced tea. The bartender suggested it, and it seemed like a good idea until I drank it too fast and had to catch myself. Laughing uncontrollably, I order a second one.
“Raegan, we are getting fucked up tonight!” Lance high-fived me before slamming back his shot glass. That sounded fine to me. My mind was a little too heavy and needed to be cleared.
A few drinks later, we were both pretty toasted. His eyes took on a sad tone as he began rambling. “I didn’t used to come out a lot you know. I was a mellow guy. My mom has cancer and she’s dying. How fucked up is that? She’s dying and I’m out getting fucked up.”
“Lance, I’m so sorry.”
“I fight to help pay her medical bills. No one but Howard and Garrett knows this but we’re good friends so I know I can trust you. I even met a girl—” He stopped mid-sentence when a song came on, catching his attention. I could’ve sworn he just said he’d met a girl. The whole time I’ve known Lance, I know he doesn’t date girls—not in the normal sense anyway.
When we dance, I know it should feel a awkward to be grinding my ass on Lance, but I’m so drunk I don’t care. My dancing partner strayed when some girl began stripping on the dance floor. His eyes almost popped out his head, and he threw me an apologetic look before gazing hungrily at her nearly bare chest. I wiped the beads of sweat from my brow as I walked clumsily toward the bar.
In my alcohol-hazed mind, I envisioned James in that uniform, and I began to think about what it would be like to get him out of it. My gaze roams the packed dance floor. When I spot Lance, I head outside, tripping, stumbling along.
I laugh at myself as I fumble for my phone and ignore a message from Garrett. Two can play this game. Once again, his face flashes in my head and it’s the face that scares me so much. But then I see the face of the man I love more than anything.
Ugh, this is so damn confusing.
I push the thought away and dial the number that’s floating around in my mind—the one number I never would’ve dialed if I were sober.
Chapter 31
Garrett
I could pace this apartment all night. I’m
such a damn idiot. I just couldn’t stand to see him talking to her. This is why I don’t need relationships. She’s mad, I know it. She just up and left to go out. Without me. I wish I could explain why I got so mad about it. Maybe I’m terrified to lose her.
I felt a little better when she texted and said she was with Lance. I know he will keep her safe. Despite feeling a little better about the situation, I’m still on edge waiting for her to come home. She deliberately said not to wait up, but I’ll wait no matter how late it gets.
A couple bowls of ice cream later, my nerves are on edge and I’m pacing again. I grab my phone and call Whitney, hoping she can help me fix this mess.
“Hello?” She sounds like she was in the middle of something. Oh damn, I hope not.
“Hey, sis, what’s going on?” I wipe my sweaty palms on my shorts, trying to calm down, but nothing is working.
“I’m resting like the doctor told me to. It sucks ass completely. Howard keeps fussing at me. What are you doing?”
“Well, I’m sitting here alone. Raegan went out with Lance.”
“Why’d she do that?”
“I kind of flipped at the fair because her ex said hello to her.”
“The hot guy? Mmmm, he is scrumptious.” I could practically hear her drooling and I prayed she would stop soon; it was making my stomach turn.
“Yeah, Whitney, that one. Now she’s mad and she said she wanted to get out the house alone. How bad did I fuck up?”
“Well, I can’t tell you how bad because I wasn’t there. How bad did you overreact?”
The events play through my head once more. He walks up to her, she talks. That’s it. I am so stupid. Nothing happened. Raegan was right. It was nothing more than a conversation. He was in uniform for crying out loud, obviously working the fair. Did I really raise my voice to her? Fuck, I did. No wonder she won’t talk to me.
“I raised my voice and—”
“What?” She screeched through the phone, making my eardrum ache. She continues to scream while I hold the phone away from my throbbing ear. When the coast seems clear to talk again, I return the phone to my ear. “Garrett Johnson, tell me you didn’t.”
“I didn’t mean to.” I run my fingers through my hair as I throw myself on the couch, frustrated as hell.
“Have you ever thought that maybe you scared her? Do you not remember the things she’s been through at home?”
Fuck. It makes sense now. “I’d never hurt her, Whitney. You know that.”
“Yeah, but does she? Look, I’ve got to pee, and I doubt you want to hear that. Just talk to her when she gets home. Everything will be okay. Lance’s with her, she’s safe.”
“Love you, Whitney. Thank you.”
“Love you too, brother.”
I end the call and contemplate texting her but I don’t want to suffocate her. She can have her space for the night and when she gets home, I’ll get down on my knees if I have to. Anything to beg for her forgiveness, I’ll do it. Anything to get Raegan back in my arms where she belongs. Nothing scares me more than the thought of being without her.
I turn the TV on and settle for some reruns on Comedy Central while waiting for her to come home. For the first time in weeks, this apartment feels empty and hollow, and I hate it. I almost jump in my truck and go down to Joe’s, but I stop myself. Why was I so stupid? I get up and search for the giant pink teddy bear. Once it’s in my arms, I cling to it as if it were her, and the feeling is so comfortable, I almost fall asleep.
Chapter 32
Raegan
“Raegan, is that you? Are you okay?” James answered almost immediately, and I burst into a fit of giggles on the other end of the phone.
“Who the hell else would be calling from my phone?” More giggling as I slide my body down the brick wall until my ass rests firmly on the ground.
“Are you drunk?” he asks, his voice laced with concern.
“If I am, will you arrest me? I’ve been a bad, bad girl.” More giggles. I almost drop the phone.
“Raegan.”
“Say my name one more time.”
“Rae, tell me where you are. Please tell me you aren’t driving.” Oh no, I must be in trouble because he called me Rae. My slave name. Okay, no more drinking tonight.
“I’m at Joe’s. What’s it matter to you whether I drive or not?”
“I’m coming to get you.” The call ended abruptly and I caught myself staring at the screen willing his voice to appear again.
Within a few minutes, his truck pulls up to the curb and once again I throw my head back laughing. I try to keep myself from looking like a complete idiot, but it’s impossible. I try to stand but my legs are like jello. James helps me up, not once complaining about the fact that his ex-girlfriend called him because she was plastered. He helps me stumble into the cab of his truck, then shuts the door.
“Where is Adryian? She joining the party?”
“She’s out of town, Raegan, and there’s no party.” He pilots the truck onto the main thoroughfare. “Where are you staying so I can bring you home? I know it’s not with your dad.”
“I really, really have to pee like really, really bad. Please, James.”
He sighs as he turns down an upcoming street, pulling into the lot by his apartment building. The building I almost moved into. I feel sick to my stomach as the truck stops and he opens the door for me.
“You remember where it is?” He asks as if I’ve been here more than once. But I remember. I remember everything from that day we first came here.
Once we’re inside, I want to lose all the liquor in my stomach when I see a picture of him and Adryian hanging on the wall by the bathroom door. The ocean colored tile meets my gaze as I walk into the bathroom. That floor is one of the things that attracted me to this apartment, and now she gets to walk on it every day.
I spot a box in the trashcan. A pregnancy test. My vision blurs as I stare at it.
“W-w-what the hell is this, James?” I stammer.
“Oh, uh. Sorry. She had a scare the other day.”
“Oh, well I, uh, sorry—”She could’ve been pregnant with James’s baby? Welcome to reality, Raegan.
A wave of nausea hits me as I realize I don’t have to pee anymore. Instead, I’m kneeling over the toilet talking to the porcelain gods. Nothing sits in my stomach any longer but I can’t quit dry heaving. I feel like an idiot, especially when James begins rubbing my back while pulling my hair out of my face.
Any attempt made to move is deeply regretted and I mutter once or twice for him to just leave me here. He doesn’t listen though. He scoops me up, and I wrap my arms around his neck instinctively, like I have a million times before. He lays me in his bed; I’d know this brown checked comforter anywhere. I kick to remove my shoes and I hear him groan as he tugs my pants off.
He doesn’t try anything though. I hear him mumble that my pants are splattered with vomit as he replaces my clothes with one of his t-shirts. The last thing I remember is curling up in the fetal position and forgetting everything.
***
My head feels like it’s going to explode, and I keep my eyes shut for fear of just how horrible this hangover really is. Finally I open my eyes, and I nearly scream.
Why am I in James’s bed? And more importantly, where is he?
I groan as I slowly climb off the mattress. Then I realize the blue t-shirt I’m wearing isn’t my own. On top of that, I’m not wearing pants. Fuck.
All of a sudden James walks in.
“Ohmigod, can you knock?” I scrambled to wrap the sheet around me, stumbling to the ground in the process.
“Chill out, Raegan, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Did we—”
“No,” he interrupted. “You threw up and had vomit on your clothes so I took your pants off and washed them. Here, I’ll step out so you can change.”
I grab my jeans and shove them on, more embarrassed than I’ve ever been in my life. At least I didn’t go home with
some random stranger. It could’ve been worse, and how would I explain that to Garrett?
Oh my God. Garrett. He must be furious.
“James,” I yell from his room. “Where’s my phone?”
He steps into the room shirtless, damn I can’t breathe, handing me the phone. I’m scared to look at the little screen. Drawing in a deep breath, I discover numerous missed calls and text messages. Deep shit, that’s what I’m in. Howard and Whitney called, then Lance, and the bulk of the calls were from Garrett.
I cringe as I open the text messages. What in the hell was I thinking last night?
Whitney: Raegan, where are you?
Lance: Where did you go? I can’t find you…Garrett’s going to shit.
Garrett: Raegan where are you…Lance said you disappeared. Baby, I’m sorry for our fight, please call me. I’m worried about you.
Lance: Call me, Raegan.
The messages went on and on saying the same thing. Wondering where I was. I slide the phone into my pocket to keep from reminding myself of last night. The one place I want to be is probably the last place I should be, but I ask James to bring me to the gym. More like I ask him to bring me to the Starbucks across the street, so I can walk to the gym.
As I climb into James’s truck, I try to prepare myself for the backlash that’s sure to come. Garrett’s already tried to call once this morning, and I can’t bring myself to answer. Seeing him is going to hurt enough.
“Thank you for helping me,” I mumble.
“I told you we’re friends, Raegan. I will help you anytime you need it. I would ask about your Dad, but after that night, I pretty much know. You have no idea how much I’ve worried about you.” He pulls out of the parking lot at his apartment building, and I swallow my fear, still trying to prepare myself.
“You didn’t seem that worried,” I mutter. “Adryian got her claws into you.”