by Ana Layne
“Thank you, Dad.” My voice is small, edged with sorrow.
“You’re welcome, Rae.” The hope in his eyes is so clear I almost weep.
Throughout that visit, neither of us brought up James, thank you Jesus. I wasn’t ready to hash that one out. Dad and I continued to meet up over the course of this past month. Each time proved to be a little easier; he had his moments when the expression on his face was enough to send me coiling back into the corner. Bad days. That’s all they are. Those are the days I’m glad I can leave and go stay with Nancy, and no one has to see his dark side. The hardest part was when Nancy and I went to his anger management meeting where they all read a letter to someone they’ve hurt.
Nancy and I showed up at the meeting a few minutes after Dad had already been there. I was nervous to hear what he’d written and of course, I wished Garrett had been here for me but I had Nancy. We sat beside each other, hand in hand, nervous as hell. Dad stood up, identified himself, and read his letter.
My dearest love Nancy and my daughter Raegan,
I always thought I was the luckiest man to have you two in my life. Nancy, I can’t express how thankful I was to have met you when I did. Thank you for taking care of Raegan like she was your own. There is no excuse for how I’ve behaved these past few months. I deeply regret ever having hurt you.
After Christy, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to love again. I believed she was the one true love of my life until I met you, Nancy. I have to be honest, I never stopped loving her. You picked up the pieces of my heart that I didn’t know I still had and I’m so sorry. For the longest time, I hated God for ripping her away from me. I grieved her death for two years until I met you. Until recently, I realized I didn’t grieve like I should have. I found myself missing her so much. I took you for granted, Nancy, and now I only pray that God can forgive me. The day you left I knew I had messed up bad and I vowed to make it right. Being angry wasn’t going to bring Christy back and it did nothing but hurt you.
Unintentionally, I turned my anger toward Raegan, and I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven myself for that. I drank myself into such a stupor I treated her in the worst way possible. It hurt to look at Raegan and see so much of her mother Christy in her. I never meant to be angry and I never meant to hurt you, my sweet baby girl. I wish you could have met your mother, and been able to know her how I did. She would have loved you so much. All throughout her pregnancy all she talked about was being able to watch you grow up into a young woman.
I can never express how sorry I am for what I’ve done, but I can only hope the both of you can forgive me in time. I’m not sure how to define the turning point that brought me here. Maybe it was just realizing my actions or when I had my daughter arrested for something I’d started.
I will deeply regret that for the rest of my life. I want my marriage back and I want my daughter back. In time, and with continued support from everyone in this room, I believe I can have it again. I kept this short and sweet to keep from babbling. I just want you two to know how much I love you.
By the time he was done reading, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and his hands were trembling. Nancy had been sobbing uncontrollably, squeezing the life out of my hand the entire time. I’ve been waiting all these months to hear those words come out of his mouth. I am left speechless.
I couldn’t stop crying, and when he got up to meet us, we hugged and cried some more. As he talked about Mom and how he never fully recovered from her death, that killed me a little more inside. It still didn’t justify anything, but in a sense we were able to see a part of him we had been so curious about. The part that turned him into our worst nightmare.
Dad treated us to Dairy Queen after the meeting. We all got blizzards and sat around talking like the family we once were. In time, it would be awesome if they could work out their differences. I forgot how nice it was to see them together. They clicked so well. No doubt Nancy still harbored feelings toward him. Although it was nice to carry on conversation, it would take a long time before he had my trust again. I got the feeling he was willing to wait.
Seeing my chance, I spoke up, even though I was nervous as hell.
“Hey, Dad, I have a fight tonight…if you want to check it out.”
“I’d like to see you. Tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”
I rattled off the directions, then excused myself, giving them time to talk alone so I could go to the gym and get ready for the fight.
Every time I show up at the gym, I look around for Garrett’s truck. I know he won’t be here while I am, but I’m always nervous he’ll show up just to talk. There have been so many times in the past two months I’ve wanted to call him, but I was a coward. He texted twice and I cried. Nancy heard and came in the room to make sure I was all right, and I shoved the phone toward her so she could read his messages.
Raegan, baby, I’m so sorry for everything I did to make you feel this way. Please talk to me.
I miss you so much. I love you and I’ll never give up on you…ever.
I’m content as I head into Lou’s. Things are finally beginning to look up in my life. Now, I only hope things with Garrett will start to look up, if I can bring myself to talk to him.
Howard stands on the mat facing Lance, trying to show him a blocking technique, when I skip over in a bubbly mood.
“Hey guys!”
“Well, you’re happy. Talk to Garrett?”
“No.” I turned to face Howard. “I’m excited because my dad is coming to my fight tonight, isn’t that awesome? But I’m also a little anxious. So we’ll see.”
“Things are going good, Raegan? I’m glad to hear that. Go get ready, meet us out here.”
I ran off to change, hearing my phone beep. I pulled it out to find a text from Garrett.
I can’t go much longer without you, Raegan, please.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I contemplated texting him back. Instead, I threw the phone on top of my keys and ran back to the mats where Lance and Howard stood.
“Hey, where’s Whitney?”
“She’s with Garrett, said she wanted to spend some time with him.”
Whitney hasn’t treated me any differently since my falling out with Garrett. In fact, we’ve talked just about the same. I couldn’t help but keep buying her stuff for the baby even though she had more than enough. She didn’t have much longer before she’d be a mom; it was a bit surreal.
“Who am I fighting tonight?”
“No clue yet. Lay on the mat, Lance’s going to try to pin you, show me how you would get out of it.”
Lance raised his eyebrows seductively as I positioned myself below him. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes dramatically with every stupid remark he made. I burst out laughing when he tried to mock me and almost lost his balance. It took me three tries to get out from how he had me pinned but I got it. The rest of the time we sat around bullshitting until Whitney walked in—with Garrett right behind her.
I know he’s been to the fights, though I haven’t personally seen him. But I can feel his presence. To look at him and pretend I feel nothing is impossible. Every piece of my insides is burning to feel his touch, to taste his kiss, but I continue to talk to Lance instead. Part of me hopes Garrett will come up to me and initiate a conversation, but within five minutes he’s gone and I cry inside, hating myself for letting him go.
“Hey, Lance, how’s your mom?” I ask timidly, not wanting to stir anything up. Ever since he first told me, I occasionally ask about her but I don’t push it. I feel even more like a coward because today I’m using this to camouflage the hurt inside me.
“She’s doing the same.” His expression is distant, as if he’s miles away. “All I can do is tell her how much I love her every day.”
I hugged him close, telling him everything would be okay. Inside, I was telling myself everything would be okay for the both of us—and not quite believing it.
***
Howard preps me like he always does, a
nd I listen like I do every time. I look out into the sea of faces until I spot Dad and Nancy. I’m surprised she came; I know how she feels about violence. I wave to them and then turn my attention to Blaize as he begins his rundown.
“Hey, guys, what the hell is up?” The crowd goes wild like usual. “Lineup time, let’s see what we have in store tonight. Travis Pierce and Lance Jones as the main event but first we have a little girl action for you.” Oh barf, he never says anything this lame, but of course the one night my dad comes he decides to. “We have your favorite and mine, Raegan Montgomery and Beth Granger!” The crowd cheers, my name comes up a few times, and I even heard Lance’s. He gives me a thumbs up as I finish getting ready before stepping into the ring.
If I’ve learned anything from fighting it’s to tune out the crowd, but I’ll be damned if I don’t look out and meet Garrett’s soft blue eyes. He offers a kind smile but I don’t have time to reciprocate because Beth tries to catch me off guard. I block her punch and retaliate with one of my own. She stumbles back but she has no intentions of giving up this soon.
Howard is yelling something from the side and I can barely hear him. I begin to shuffle around pondering my next move. I attempt to leg sweep her but she moves and I almost plant my face against the hard mat. I pull myself up quickly, throwing a punch that lands right upside her jaw. I hear a voice from Howard’s direction and I look over to see my dad there cheering me on. A sense of pride comes over me and I feel empowered as I throw another punch. Beth blocks this one and I get a slight advantage when her ponytail slips. A strand of her blonde hair falls in her face and I take the chance to get in that punch. Soon after, I pull her down, pinning her for my victory. I could have cried I was so happy. And to see my dad’s face as he watched me, he was proud. He didn’t have to say it, I knew it.
“Baby girl, you were awesome. I’m so proud of you,” he exclaims, appearing out of nowhere and pulling me in for a hug despite the sweat. That’s love.
“Thank you, Dad. Hey, this is Howard. He’s taught me everything I know.” The two shake hands and I turn, looking for Garrett. I know he was here, I saw him. Lance steps into the ring and I stand beside Howard and my dad as we watch him beat the same guy I did. I almost told my dad I’ve fought Travis, but I wasn’t sure how he would feel about it. Better save that for a different conversation. Dad and Nancy hugged me before they headed out. A few months ago I don’t know if I could have seen this coming. It was the rainbow at the end of the storm, but the rainbow wasn’t complete yet. Not until I quit being a coward and decided to talk to Garrett.
Lance came bouncing up to me, pulling me in for a huge hug. “Drinks tonight, my treat. Garrett doesn’t come out anymore, it’s up to you to continue the legacy.” Oh damn, the last time I went out, everything went up in flames.
“I don’t want to drink tonight, but I’ll go.” He shot me a look and I knew by the end of the night I would have one drink and most likely he’d do the Dougie. Joe’s wasn’t ready for us tonight.
I went home first and changed into the sequin tank top I bought at Express that first time I saw James and Adryian together. My blue jean skirt and a dab of lip gloss later and I was ready to head out. Lance stood by the bar holding a shot in his hand. Dammit. He proposed a toast to us being “badass bitches” and we clinked our glasses together before shooting the liquid. An hour later, he’s working his skills on the women, but he doesn’t leave my side. Maybe he’s making up for that night he left me and I stupidly called James.
A few people have come up to us congratulate us on our victories tonight. Almost all of them offer to buy us a drink, but I respectfully decline. I meant every word I said when I said I wouldn’t be drinking tonight. Alcohol wouldn’t be playing any factors in my decisions this evening. All it did was make me a fool; a clear mind was what I needed, even though it seemed to resurrect memories I didn’t care to consider. Memories of Garrett, of our short-lived love. Would we ever have that again? Any guy who even thought about looking at me the wrong way got the eye from Lance, and they backed off almost immediately. That was pretty damn amusing.
I’ll be damned if he didn’t suddenly jump up and grab my arm, dragging me toward the dance floor because he wanted to Dougie. “Let’s go show them how the hell it’s done.” I stifled a laugh because I wasn’t sure he knew how it was done. Most of the time we were laughing our asses off trying to not look stupid. He had beads of sweat dripping from his hair when the song ended. Immediately after, “I love Rock n Roll” by Joan Jett came on and we looked like a bunch of rejects jumping around singing and shaking our asses.
I grabbed a chair from a table next to the dance floor and climbed on it, dancing my ass off. Lance danced behind me for a minute before trying to climb on the chair with me. We almost fell, both of us dying laughing as he grabbed another chair and placed it next to mine. The crowd was worked up, singing along with us. It was a blast. That was fun, a little too fun, because people were clapping for us when the song ended.
My face flushed a little as I hoped I didn’t look too stupid. The tone changed when “Come Over” by Kenny Chesney came on. I caught Lance’s attention before he turned to dance with some girl to let him know I would be at the bar. I pinky promised and everything. Before I could walk off, I felt someone’s arms wrap around my waist, pulling me back.
Whoever it was tried to turn me around but I hesitated; I just wanted to go stand by the bar like I told Lance I would. Slow dancing with a stranger was not on the agenda for the night. The person leaned down by my ear and just feeling their breath along my neck sent chills down my spine.
Don’t panic, Raegan.
The thought to pull away and run crosses my mind for a split second until he speaks and my whole world stops.
“I love you, Raegan.” My heart drops in my chest and every breath I had is sucked away. It’s Garrett behind me, and suddenly I’m fighting off tears in a bar full of people.
I turn around to face him. I’ve thought about this moment every day for the last two months. I’ve missed him more than he’ll ever know. I have the urge to interrupt Lance’s dance and hug him because I know this was a setup, it had to be. Garrett gazes into my eyes while he waits for me to say something. There’s so much to say I’m not sure where to start. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. I rest my head against his chest, the soft fabric of his polo adding to the comfort.
“I love you too,” I tell him. He raises my chin up, bringing our lips close together. Before I kiss him, I choke out, “I’m so sorry, Garrett. Please forgive me.”
His lips linger on mine for a moment before he just simply sways to the music with me. How did I survive without him for two months? I didn’t; I just got by. I was miserable every single day.
All we ever want in life is to be accepted and loved, but when we throw that away it’s a struggle to get it back. If this is my chance to get that back, I swear I’ll never let him go again. I glance down to notice his bright blue polo shirt is now soaked from tears I didn’t realize I was shedding. His wipes away the remaining tears as the song ends. Lance steps behind me making a ‘Raegan’ sandwich. I’m trying to groan but all I can do is laugh.
“It’s about damn time, you two were killing me! If ya’ll want to leave and go have some hanky panky time, that’s fine with me. Plenty of ladies here to keep me company.” Oh damn, it’s going to take one hell of a woman to settle this man down. God have mercy on her soul, whoever she may be.
“Want to get out of here?” I whisper in Garrett’s ear.
The crowded bar just wouldn’t do anymore; it felt like I’ve waited a lifetime for this. I’ve wondered these past two months what it would feel like when I finally let myself see him again; it feels wonderful.
The minute we step out into the night air, his lips are on mine. I moan as he works his tongue against mine, deepening our kiss. He presses me against the side of his truck, and I raise my legs up to wrap them around his waist. I felt one of my shoes fall off
and hit the gravel parking lot with a light thud. Screw it.
I moan as his hand slides under my skirt. I know he can feel just how much I want him. His groan is ragged as he slides his hand around the outside of my panties before slipping a finger or two inside, practically making me come undone. I wrap my arms around his neck, tousling his hair with my fingers.
Once he sets me back down on my feet, it takes a second to adjust to standing. I grab my shoe and put it back on before stepping in the truck. Garrett pulls me in for one more kiss before leaving the parking lot of Joe’s.
The drive isn’t awkward; it feels natural. He reaches for my hand but instead I scoot across the seat until I’m right next to him. He brings his arm up, laying it around my shoulder, as I lean into him feeling safer than I ever have before.
Chapter 35
Garrett
Lance came to me a few days ago before he mentioned Raegan was fighting tonight, trying to convince me I needed to go out with him. I haven’t been out since she needed her space. I didn’t want anyone else, not even a quick fuck in the back of the bar.
I went to her fight; I go to all of her fights. Her dad was there, so they must be making progress. He looked so proud of her. In that moment, I missed my dad. He was taken away too soon; I had many wonderful memories of him, but I’m selfish enough to admit I wanted more. I left right after her match. Making eye contact with her was a little too much for me; this was the first time she’d noticed me here. I wasn’t in my shadow and I wish I had been.
I sat in my apartment hating myself for not sticking around and trying to talk to her. Lance’s offer kept coming up to haunt me, so I walked into my room, throwing on a polo shirt and a pair of jeans. I hoped I was making the right decision.