by kj lewis
“Where have you been?” I ask, coming to a stop in front of her. We’re only a couple of feet apart, but it feels like we are separated by a canyon.
“I was trying to give Zinnie some time to process. How is she?”
“She’s not good, Sam.” Tears spill from her eyes and she takes a step towards the girls’ wing. “They’re in my room with Finn.” She nods and turns in that direction.
I shove my hands in my pockets to keep myself from reaching for her.
“I think maybe the girls need some time.” My voice is like gravel.
“I’ll let them sleep and talk to them in the morning,” she says.
“No,” I croak and then clear my throat and try again. “No, I think the girls need time to process. I, uh, I think it would be best for you to stay with one of your friends for now. The girls aren’t ready to see you.”
My heart splits in two. I only thought I knew what pain was. This is a bloodbath. “Sam,” I press. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You think I don’t wake up every morning wishing that my family was still here? Wishing that I had been the one to go instead of them? That…” her voice quivers and my entire being wants to comfort her. I step forward, but she holds her hand up. “That I don’t wake up every morning having to jump start my heart to make it through another day? Or at least I did, until I met these girls. Each morning was a little easier.”
“You made me forgive him,” Zinnie says from behind me. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a year. “But not because I needed to forgive him but because you needed to forgive yourself. Don’t you see how messed up that is? I thought that you meant it when you said that you loved us and that we were yours, but why would you do that to me? How could you not tell me who you really are?”
“Zinnie, go back to bed.” There’s no question in my tone that there is no room for arguing. Zinnie walks off. This is unconditional love. This is one of those moments when you have to sacrifice everything for your kids, even your own happiness. Because I’m about to send away the love of my life.
“What’s going on with you?” I ask Finn. It’s been a couple of hard weeks for all of us, and I know it’s weighing on him, too, but this is different. This seems unrelated to the disaster that is my life.
I’ve never experienced pain like I have the last two weeks. Pain I haven’t even dealt with, because it’s taken everything I have to focus on the girls.
Losing Sam has been like a blade to the gut. I really thought once Zinnie had some distance that she would be ready to talk about it, but she isn’t. Her therapist is struggling to get her to open up, as well. When she’s not crying, she acts as if nothing has happened, like if she ignores it, it will all just disappear.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Finn deflects.
Great. Two of them.
“What the hell did you do?” Pierce bellows entering the conference room where Finn, and I are having a meeting. He slams the door so hard, I’m surprised the glass didn’t shatter.
“Don’t start on him,” Finn interjects on my behalf. “It was an impossible situation. The girls had to be his number one priority.”
“Oh, I know.” Pierce goes deathly calm. The kind of calm you hear about before the tsunami wave crashes over you.
“You let her go.”
“I made the decision to let her go,” I tell him. “If you’re looking to be angry with someone, be angry at me. Fair warning, you’ll have to wait in a long line to get in your punches.”
“You’re not off the hook, by any means. I think you could have handled this differently, but you did what you thought was best for the girls. You have an excuse. You, dickhead…” he points to Finn, “you knew Walt didn’t have a choice, so you should have been there for Samantha. You’re her friend. You should have been there for here until Zinnie was ready.” He turns to look at me. “And she will be ready.”
“Look, it’s not that easy. Zinnie is in a bad place,” Finn says. “And we promised Everett to put the girls first.”
“Fucking morons.” Rage is radiating off Pierce. “And you think Sam not being in their lives is what is best for them? What’s best for them is to be surrounded by people who love them unconditionally. What is best for them is to have people who love them enough to tell them when it’s time to forgive. What is best for them is for Walt to be with the love of his life, so that he can be the best man for those girls.”
“You know I love her?”
“Were you trying to keep it a secret? If so, you suck at it. It’s been written all over your face for the last three months.”
He releases a strong breath.
“Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean they won’t experience hurt. Zinnie is hurting because we haven’t shown her another way. Do you think Everett walked away from Jenny every time she and Zinnie fought? You think they never let their girls down? Zinnie doesn’t just get to choose who her family is. Sometimes life chooses it for you.”
“You weren’t there,” Finn mumbles. He’s torn between knowing Pierce makes a strong point and having had to pick up the pieces of Zinnie after Christmas day. Poppy is torn, too. She hurts for her sister, but all she understands is that her second mom went away.
“I understand she came back.” Pierce crosses his arms. No way are we making it out of this unscathed.
“She did. Every day that first week,” I admit.
“So, help me understand. She fought for the girls but you fuckholes won’t.”
“Enough.” Finn stares him down. “He’s hurting, too, and I won’t allow you to talk to him like that.”
“She’s gone. Did you all know that?” The looks on our faces answer for us. He just shakes his head in disbelief. “Not one of you thought I needed to know.”
“We were busy,” I argue. “And you were halfway around the world.”
“Let’s get this straight now, because I don’t ever,” he lowers his voice an octave, “ever expect this to be an issue again. I don’t care if I’m on fucking Saturn, you or these girls do not go through something like this again and not contact me.”
“What do you mean Sam is gone?” I ask.
“No one has seen her in the last week. Not the squad. No one.”
“She was staying with Charlotte.”
“No, she wasn’t. They were all out of town. She was staying at a hotel. When they got back, Sam had checked out and they haven’t seen her since. She sent them an email telling them not to worry, but that was it.”
“You mean she’s out there all alone?” Bile rises to my throat as I stand. I’m met with a “now you get it” look. His confirmation is enough to break the barrier I built up to survive walking away from her. I empty my lunch into the trashcan.
Another week goes by and nothing. No improvement with Zinnie and no luck locating Sam.
There’s a knock on the office door and Finn enters.
“Poppy is at school.” He took her this morning. I wanted to walk with Zinnie. She’s really struggling. The therapist keeps encouraging me, telling me that she will make it through this, but when someone you love is hurting, days feel like years.
“Thanks,” I nod, pulling up my email. “Maybe I should look into a nanny.”
There’s a knock on the door. “No. Don’t start second guessing yourself. We can all help. The girls don’t need anyone new right now.”
“Mr. Nelson, there’s a Mr. Thomas to see you.”
“Send him in,” Finn instructs. “Blake.” He shakes his hand and peers behind him.
“School is back in session. West is teaching.”
“Ah. Got it. West said the honeymoon was nothing short of spectacular.”
“It’s true. On an island with only the love of your life and servants is not a bad way to spend two weeks.” He smiles like a man who knows love, and I find myself feeling a little bitter. “You could have called me, though. I would have helped from there until we got back to the states.” Finn wants to hire Bla
ke to help us locate Sam.
“I already know where she is,” he says.
I stand up so quickly I almost knock over my chair. “Where is she?”
“She is staying in the apartment below ours. She met with Emme several days ago. Emme hired her and offered her a place to stay until she is back on her feet.”
“Why hasn’t she left a money trail? We’ve been looking for her for a week.”
He shrugs. “Couldn’t say. Maybe she was using cash? Maybe she doesn’t have credit cards. Either way, she’s not missing. She’s hiding in plain sight.”
“Well, at least we know she’s not alone,” Finn says.
But she is, I think.
The day rolls by at an excruciating pace. I want to go to her, to bring her home, but the unknowns keep me grounded. The girls are struggling, but we’ve finally found a groove this week. Zinnie spoke for the first time in a long time. She’s still quiet and withdrawn, but she’s trying to move forward. When I attempted to broach the subject of Sam this past weekend, she sobbed until she fell asleep.
“It’s time.” Quade enters the office.
“What’s time?” I murmur, focused on the email in front of me. We have some things going sideways with our latest project.
“It’s six.”
“Is it?” I glance at my watch. “I need to get to the apartment to pull dinner together. Plus, Zinnie has a school project due next week. I told her I would work on it with her tonight.”
“I mean. It’s Tuesday. At six,” Quade says as the lift dings its arrival.
“Quade.” I groan at his implication. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“The girls need everyone.”
He’s right, of course. They do. I close my computer, jotting down some notes for when I log in later.
When we enter the apartment, it’s like a head on collision. There’s music playing, laughter, and the girls are both smiling. It’s a little forced, but it mimics the love that was so evident here just weeks ago. It’s enough of a reminder that my chest constricts, and I’m not sure I can breathe. I excuse myself and dash to my bedroom to gain a moment of distance. With my back against the door, I try my best to calm my distress. There’s a push on the door and I’m propelled forward. It takes Finn about a tenth of a second to assess the situation. Kicking the door closed, his arms wrap around me. It’s too much. My brother’s unconditional love pushes the last of my resolve and it breaks everything within me.
Finn’s hand rubs up and down my back, soothing me. I gather his shirt in my fists as the pain of my sobs burst forth for the first time since this has happened. I miss Sam. It’s like a death. One minute she was in my life and the next she was gone. “I don’t know how to put the girls first and be the man I need to be for Sam.”
I don’t. I know the girls are my number one priority, and no matter how hurt I know Sam is, I know she wholeheartedly agrees. She loves the girls like they were her own. She will always choose to do what is best for them. Even if that means she has to stay away.
“I promise it’s going to work out,” he assures me. “It’s just taking longer than you want it to.” He holds me until he’s sure I’m ready to be released. “Wash up. Dinner is ready.” He leaves me with a squeeze on my shoulder.
I wash my face and make sure I hide any evidence of despair.
“What’s for dinner?” I ask, attempting to sound cheerful. I’m surprised I pull it off.
“I saved a seat for you,” Poppy says. Colin is on the other side of her, trying to teach her to twirl her spaghetti against a spoon. I kiss the top of her head and thank Grace when she passes me a plate of my own.
Sam’s friends engage Zinnie as often as possible. She likes to talk about her fashion internship. It’s the only thing she’s shown excitement for since the fallout. Everyone tries, but dinner is a struggle. The empty chair is a painful reminder of the gap in our lives. Dinner cleanup is assigned, and Colin makes a show of wanting to be the one to read to Poppy and put her down.
“Don’t tell Poppy, but there’s dessert,” Grace says, putting a cake on the table.
“While we have our dessert, I wanted to talk to everyone,” Charlotte says quietly. “About Sam.”
“Charlotte,” I say as gently as possible.
“It’s okay,” Zinnie says. “Say what you want to say.”
“You and I both know there’s more to this than meets the eye.”
Zinnie’s eyes widen, and Quade moves his seat next to her, his arm wrapping around her.
“What is this, an intervention?” she asks tentatively.
“Should it be?” Charlotte asks. “What’s going on, Zinnie?”
“You mean other than Sam lying to me and causing me to break my promise to my parents? Oh, I don’t know. Not much.”
“Careful,” Pierce chastises her, and I almost correct him, but I trust my friend to know what is right and wrong here.
“It just doesn’t make sense to me,” Charlotte continues. “You’re a smart girl with a big heart. We’ve given you space to come to this on your own, but now I’m not sure that was the right decision. Because you’re hurting, and you’re not getting any better.”
Zinnie starts to argue with her, but Charlotte doesn’t give her the chance.
“So, I’m going to give you some background. About me. Sam and I graduated high school together. I was a foster kid. I didn’t live with Sam’s family, but I might as well have. My foster family wasn’t abusive, just neglectful. I could be gone for days before they even noticed. Most of the time, I was at the Abbott’s.
“Sam’s family was like watching your favorite TV show. There was this banter between them, they had their own language. God, I loved being there. Eventually, I learned their language. It’s something Sam and I still have today. Eventually we grew from two to four with Zoe and Grace. Then a few months ago it grew from four to eleven. With you all.”
Charlotte pauses for a moment as if deciding something. I have no idea what she is about to say next, and even though it seems wrong to hear this from someone besides Sam, I know whatever she is about to tell us is going to give me insight into the woman I love. And right now I’m desperate for any connection I can get.
“Sam and I both applied to NYU. We got in on scholarships. When you are part of the foster system, you don’t receive financial support after the age of eighteen. Sam’s family had the basics, but that was about it. They struggled. Lived paycheck to paycheck like most families do. We roomed together and that’s how we met Zoe and Grace.” She points to her friends.
“I hit on her the first day of class,” Zoe laughs, taking a sip of her beer.
“Sam or Charlotte?” Zinnie asks, shocked by her admission.
“Both,” she smiles.
“Sam excelled in her classes. Just like everyone at this table is drawn to Sam, it was the same then, too. Sam never met a stranger. Everyone loved her. So, when it came time for her twenty-first birthday, there was a long line of people wanting to celebrate with her.
“The problem was, her family always celebrated their birthdays together. Her mom always made it a big deal, even for my birthday. They called, but we had talked Sam into staying in the city. The plan was that we would party, I would be the designated driver, and we would drive home in time to surprise her mom the next morning. Celebrate one day late.
“Sam’s birthday was a Thursday that year. We all decided to go out Thursday night and celebrate. Our friend Kathryn from high school was at Columbia and decided to meet us to party, then catch a ride from us to surprise her mom for a long weekend.
“We danced, partied, kissed boys…and girls,” she adds, glancing to Zoe.
“And I met a boy.” Charlotte looks at Zinnie. “A boy I wanted to impress. I had been into in him for a while, but didn’t think he knew who I was. When he asked if he could buy me a drink, I agreed. I was worried if I said no, he would get bored and move on. The more we danced, the more I drank.
“Sam a
s it turned out, only had a couple of shots at the beginning of the night. By the time we secured the rental car, she was sober enough to drive. So, I fell asleep in the backseat, and Kat slept up front.”
“She was drunker than she realized,” Zinnie says with disdain.
“Nope. She was sober. But a friend of ours sent her a belated birthday text and she glanced at her phone. I woke up in a hospital a week later. Kathryn was killed instantly. Sam was covered in bruises, but that was it. All three of us had to be cut from the car. The police told her they would contact her family, but she had to go to the ER to get checked out. Her family would meet her there.”
The pain on Charlotte’s face is more than I can bear. The thought of what she and Sam endured splits my heart in two. I go to stand, to move near her, but before I can, Pierce is holding her and kissing the top of her head. Tears slide down her face.
“It wasn’t until it was time for the hospital to discharge her that she was told. The car she hit was her family’s. They were on their way to surprise her in the city since she wasn’t coming home. They all died instantly, except her brother, who died an hour before she was told.”
The room is silent. I had no idea. As horrific as the story is, I’m not sure what Charlotte’s intentions are. I don’t think Zinnie lacks empathy for Sam. They share a loss that few understand.
Charlotte clears her throat, “I’m guessing you are wondering what this has to do with you.”
Zinnie doesn’t answer, but she’s listening intently.
“The stories are different, but I can’t help for wondering if there are two commonalities.” She motions between Zinnie and herself. “Us.”
“If I had kept my promise, I would have been the one behind the wheel. I was the denominator that changed everything. I started the domino effect. When I watch you and listen to you, I see myself in you.”