This is just one alternative to saying no—the ultimate communication blocker. Saying no shuts down conversation with your children and often becomes an invitation to them to dig in their heels for a power struggle.
Another substitute for no is “when-then.” If a child is begging to play outside when the living room is a mess of baby doll parts, you could say: “When the floor is clean, then we can go to the park!” This strategy works best when it reinforces a family routine or rule, such as chores before playtime, or brushing teeth before the bedtime cuddle. Resist being drawn into a negotiation—simply repeat the phrase with a smile.
Hoefle tells parents to suggest to their kids: “Convince me.”
If children are begging for a later bedtime or a new toy, you’re in a prime position as a parent. You can harness their desire and use that energy to get done whatever the family needs. Let the kids do the heavy lifting in making a case for the new privilege—it’ll build their problem-solving skills.
Lay out all your concerns: a later bedtime, for instance, could make it hard for them to wake up for school, and you’ll end up with limited quiet adult time at the end of the day. Give your child a day to think about your concerns and come up with a solution that truly answers the issues you’ve raised. (The answer can’t be: “Mom, stop caring about it.”) Get your child working with you to solve a problem you both care about, rather than just fighting against your no.
For something big, like expanded technology access, ask them to show you ways they can self-regulate so you know they’ll be able to manage greater freedom. When we were considering getting a dog, the children had to keep their belongings off the floor for ninety days in a row. After all, puppies chew up loose shoes and notebooks. We kept track on our calendar. Their tidier habits stuck—not perfectly, but they were vastly improved—even after the trial period ended and we adopted a puppy.
Use these strategies with confidence and a pleasant demeanor. Take a few deep breaths and make sure you’re in a calm state of mind first. Be warned: it’s easy to turn a “when-then” statement into a threat if you use a tense tone of voice or seem angry.
THE PARENTS SAT, PERFECTLY SILENT. Vicki Hoefle was blowing their minds again.
“The words we use to describe our kids, it’s like you feed them,” Hoefle said, pacing up and down the aisle in the center of the rows of chairs. “They’re either positive words that describe cooperative, compassionate, thoughtful, flexible, creative kids, or you’re grouchy and you noodle and you take too long and you’re stubborn and you’re defiant and you’re being sassy, and you always hit and you never listen and you’re unreliable.”
“Every time you use a word, a kid swallows it and it becomes part of their self idea.”
Listen to the words you use, even in those moments of complaint to your friends, and ask whether you want your children describing themselves that way. If the answer is no, drop that language. “If you don’t want to hear your kid say, ‘I’m the defiant one in the family,’ stop feeding them the Kool-Aid,” Hoefle said.
A mom raised her hand to ask whether she could say, “It’s disappointing when you do that,” or, “That behavior gave me a headache, please stop.”
Hoefle’s not a fan. We all need to take responsibility for our feelings. Tying kids’ behavior to your approval or your emotions can backfire in one of two ways. You might end up with children who blame their own headaches or frustration on other people—or who spend their lives catering to other people’s feelings. Instead, simply respond the way a nonrelative would respond to the behavior.
“Pick a few things you want to work on. How do you want your child to describe himself at twenty-five? Those are the words I want to start introducing,” she said.
Lisa Rowley asked how to convey ideas like intelligence if you’re hoping your child will value smarts and hard work in school.
“Intelligence, you can’t do very much about it,” Hoefle said. “Intelligent is like, you’re left-handed. That has nothing to do with the kid. You want them to be thinkers.
“So you say: ‘You’re such a good thinker? That’s using your brain?’ What do you say without it being praise?” Rowley asked.
“Here’s the strategy you guys are going to use,” Hoefle said. “You’re going to identify the trait and anchor it with the activity. When you see a child being thoughtful, you say, ‘You were so thoughtful when Michael came over and XYZ.’”
Then your children not only recognize the trait in themselves but start to truly understand what being thoughtful means. Once you do that three or four or a half-dozen times, your children start to think of themselves that way.
Kids are hungry to hear more substantive feedback than just: “‘You’re good, I like that, it’s pretty,’” Hoefle said. “Suddenly you have a kid who has a new picture of himself. This is powerful stuff. It’s so easy.”
Instead of trying to correct the things you don’t like about your kids, just focus on the tiny signs of progress, the traits you want to encourage. Even if it’s a fleeting moment when you see them being flexible, or using self-control, seize it. “They have to be fed this constant diet of: ‘These are some of the character traits that I see in you. I notice this about you. I can tell you exactly when you did it.’ It’s not fluff,” Hoefle said. “Just start practicing.”
Her advice aligns with the research I saw at Columbia and the psychology I learned through PEP. Even positive labels can become a trap for children. Children always labeled “happy” or “responsible” may feel that they can’t express any negative emotions or be less than perfect. Instead, see your children as they are and let your language describe how they’ve grown and changed. Track their progress, whether in tying shoes, helping with family chores, or cooling down from a tantrum. For example: “A month ago, you were only making the loop on your shoe. You stuck with it, and now you’re making two loops and tying them together. That’s what I call persistence!” Or even a simple comment like, “I noticed you’re doing your household jobs before you start playing, as we agreed. Thank you.”
Another mom asked Hoefle what trait will encourage a child who’s hitting whenever frustrated or thwarted.
“I’m going to look at the moment that the kid has a fleeting second of self-control and say, ‘You really used a lot of self-control this afternoon when I told you that you couldn’t have the popcorn, and I know you wanted it.’ I’m not saying ‘I’m proud of you, I like that you did that,’ I’m just making an observation,” Hoefle said. “It’s slow, teeny tiny steps. Over the course of a couple of weeks, you see kids begin to explore other kinds of solutions.”
That’s when you can help your children think through other ways to handle the wash of anger that comes over them. Stop taking it so personally, Hoefle said, and don’t say things like, “You can’t hit. We are a family that’s nice to each other.” Then, she warned, “the kid’s like, ‘I’m not a part of this family? Because I hit.’”
A new mom asked how to handle a nineteen-month-old who started hitting when he was overtired. At dinner the previous night, he had slapped her across the face.
“Of course, Daddy swoops in and says, ‘That wasn’t very nice.’ Grandma was there and says, ‘He’s just overtired,’ and tries to justify it. I’m stunned,” she said. “For a nineteen-month-old, how do you say to him, ‘That’s not appropriate.’”
“You don’t. There’s no words,” Hoefle responded. “So what would the action be?”
“Picking him up and just getting him ready for bed,” the mom suggested.
“No,” Hoefle said.
Other parents murmured, “Walk away.” Hoefle nodded.
“Nobody hits me. I don’t care how little they are,” she said. “I put mine down and walked away. I already had a solution for this. All kids hit, bite, push, pinch, spit, and say ‘fuck you.’ I’m not one of those people who thought mine wouldn’t, so I was ready for it.”
Don’t lecture or yell at the child, Hoefle said. All
that energy and attention just feeds the behavior. Show the child what happens to the relationship when they’re violent.
“A lot of this is about thinking before it happens. Kids are predictable. There are patterns of behavior that go on in your home so by the time your kid is two you can predict what’s going to happen,” she said. “Have a nice calm plan. Put them down. When you’re ready to engage, come back.”
The mom had an objection. “In our case, when you put him down or you walk away, he has a meltdown,” she said.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with a meltdown. I don’t see a problem with kids being frustrated and crying. That’s a natural part of childhood,” Hoefle said. “That gives kids’ brains a chance to relax and move forward. I hit, somebody stops playing with me. If I throw myself on the ground, they come back to take care of me. It’s all cause and effect with the kid. Give them good information. You don’t have to be mad at them. They recover so quickly.”
Perhaps the most positive thing you can communicate is confidence in your kids’ ability to navigate their own lives. You can build independence through phrases like, “That’s a tough one, but I’m confident you’ll figure it out!” or even, “Sounds like you have quite a friendship problem. Would you let me know how it goes tomorrow at recess?” Rather than solving your child’s dilemma, give them first crack. (Be sure to use your most sincere voice and facial expressions, so they don’t mistake your hands-off attitude for a lack of concern.) Only by having the space to tackle their own problems can our children make mistakes, experiment, and eventually succeed on their own.
Children live up or down to our expectations. Not always at the moment, but in the long run. Stop predicting doom through negative comments like, “If you don’t finish your chores, you won’t be able to play basketball with the neighbors!” Instead, convince yourself that your child will go along with the plan and express this confidence in phrases like, “As soon as you’ve finished your chores, you can go play basketball with the neighbors!” Act as if all will go smoothly, and it often will.
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AFTER I observed Hoefle’s class, Lisa Rowley told me that it had dramatically changed her family dynamics. Instead of focusing on the to-do list and the mechanics of each day—is Ella on time to school? is her homework done?—she was making the connection with her child the priority. Ella now made her own breakfast and lunch and relished the opportunity to try new independent skills, such as going solo into the grocery store to buy bananas. Rowley recalled the heart-sinking moment when she realized that she’d raised Ella to define love as controlling behavior. Now, “she knows she’s loved because of the boundaries that she has, but also because of the freedom she has. Mom and Dad care enough to try to do this differently,” Rowley said.
Rowley originally came to Hoefle’s class after a standoff with Ella over a simple request to clear the table after Sunday lunch, which the girl refused to do. “Okay. Then you need to go up to your room and spend a few minutes just thinking about what’s happening and why you’re not cooperating with Mommy and Daddy,” she told her.
“No!”
“Ella, you need to go to your room,” Rowley said, putting a guiding hand on her shoulder. Ella swatted it away. She glanced over at her husband, Brian, fifty-seven, the cue for him to step in.
“Mom has asked you to go to your room, and I don’t like the way you’re talking to Mom. That’s not respectful,” he said, grasping Ella’s arm and escorting her to her bedroom.
The parents looked at each other, hoping the confrontation was over. But Ella popped back out over the threshold. “I’m not staying here!”
Furious now, Brian walked into the room with an overly calm voice.
“Ella, we’re going to take some things out of your room. I’m going to take Dumbo,” he said, snatching her favorite stuffed animal and brushing past her, still standing in the hallway. She walked back into her room and burst into tears. But a moment later, she came back over the threshold, standing defiantly in the hallway, still crying.
“Okay. I’m going to go back in and take your pillow.”
That was it. Ella leapt into action. She started picking up all her favorite things: pillows, a snuggly blanket, toys by the armful, and carrying them out of her room to dump them at her father’s feet.
“Here you go, Daddy. I don’t care!”
Brian walked back into the den, where Lisa had retreated, and the two looked at each other in panic as they heard the faint sounds of Ella emptying her room of belongings. They’d played their last card. How could they be out of parenting tricks and their kid was only eight? They started researching resources and decided that Lisa would go to Hoefle’s class and both parents would implement what she learned.
Occasionally, Lisa and Brian Rowley do find themselves slipping back into their old, bossy habits. Then they know it’s time to revisit “do-nothing-say-nothing.” Just twenty-four hours of biting their tongues is enough to get back on track.
You can try do-nothing-say-nothing week yourself. Use it as an opportunity to understand how much you rely on commanding, directing, and controlling your kids. You’ll learn that your children don’t need your voice in their ear as much as you think they do. They’ll be challenged to figure things out for themselves and will enjoy the independence.
WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE BABIES, you can tell from the shape of their yawns whether they are hungry, sleepy, or gassy. But as they grow, they develop lives of their own. You may think that you always know what they need or are going to say, but increasingly they surprise you. Leave room for this possibility by listening with an open mind to what they tell you.
I mentioned reflective listening earlier. This involves more than just parroting back what the other person said to you. It requires restating what you believe you heard and asking for confirmation or clarification. For instance, “I’m hearing that you felt sad after Charlie refused to play four-square with you at the playground. Could it be that you were embarrassed?” You may learn that your child actually felt hurt or angry or sad—not embarrassed. Because you’re making a tentative guess, the child feels free to fine-tune your understanding of their feelings. It’s a powerful way to connect and develop empathy with your child.
Not only does reflective listening strengthen your connection to your child, but it helps them develop a feeling vocabulary. Instead of just feeling “angry,” your child can refine the experience and understand the difference between “feeling humiliated” and “feeling hurt” and “being left out.” Don’t be afraid of bad feelings or deny them—this merely teaches your children to stuff their feelings down rather than acknowledging them. Reflective listening can be especially difficult when your child says something like, “I hate that stupid head Kathy! If she comes over here, I’m going to spit in her face,” using words you don’t allow in your family and maligning a friend you know to be a sweet kid. But some reflective listening may extract that Kathy has been excluding your child.
Communication is more than a feel-good skill. Chapter 3 described the power of empathy to reshape the brain and strengthen self-regulation. Decades of social science research show that people who are socially connected have lower rates of obesity, mental illness, high blood pressure, and other health challenges. In particular, researchers find that people with high empathy for others actually experience less stress, anxiety, and depression themselves.
Sara Konrath, an assistant professor at Indiana University, designed a study to assess whether mothers with higher levels of empathy experience more or less stress. Researchers told mothers to prepare a speech and told them their remarks would be recorded and evaluated by a panel of experts. They measured stress levels in saliva during and after the speech preparation. It turned out that moms who scored higher on a psychological test for empathy were better able to weather the stress of preparing for public speaking, which consistently ranks at the top of most-dreaded tasks. “People with greater empathy actually are feeling a smaller biological stres
s response,” Konrath told me. “It’s almost like that empathy is buffering them.”
How do you develop empathy in your child? Reflective listening and thoughtful conversation provide a good start. The more your children are able to feel empathy, the more protected they’ll be from depression, anxiety, and other health problems. The more you can help your children develop a rich emotional vocabulary, the better prepared they’ll be for the storms of adolescence and early adulthood. These benefits are especially important if you have a family history of mental illness.
Try this at home. Consider the instructions you’re accustomed to giving your children and how they might hear and interpret the words. When you say, “Be careful,” to a child climbing on a high slide, he may hear, “I don’t believe you can climb that safely.” If you say, “It’s okay, it’s just a scratch,” to your child who’s scraped his knee, he may hear, “I don’t believe you’re in pain,” or even a broader invalidation of his feelings. Sometimes the best encouragement is to stay silent, simply to express empathy, or to ask questions. Resist offering a solution or downplaying your child’s negative feelings.
Misunderstandings happen in the other direction too, as we often assume we comprehend the meaning of our kids’ words. If you have a toddler, it’s natural to struggle to understand what he’s saying. As children grow and lose their charming lisp, their words may be easier to comprehend, but the meaning can become opaque. What exactly do our kids mean when they say “friend” or “popular” or “I don’t like it” or “Do it myself”? We may think we get it, but some focused listening can reveal a different meaning altogether.
For instance, when your kid says, “It’s a waste of my time” in reference to math or visiting Grandma, you may hear a rude, entitled child and start worrying that they’ll drop out of high school or grow up to neglect elderly relatives. Your hackles rise, and you come down hard with a lecture or an order to comply.
The Good News About Bad Behavior Page 16