The Good News About Bad Behavior
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Cooper, Harris, 70–71
cortisol, 45, 99
count, group, and compare, 106
crisis, self-regulation, 5, 11–12
criticism
impact on brain, 38–40, 48–50
mental disorders predicted by perceived, 48–50
mother’s presence and, 50
Cullen family (Camila, Colin, and children Mariana and Alejandro)
Alejandro’s screen time, 183–184
bedtime partying and, 3–4
debriefing at bedtime, 114
household chores and, 115–116, 177–178
limits and routines of, 169–172, 183–184
multi-family dinner party with, 209–210, 222–224
PEP and, 89–90, 114–116
Dallas, 14–15, 18
Daly, Bryony, son Quinn and, 119–121, 122
problem-solving conversations at Central School, 139–142
D’Andrea, Wendy, 38, 41, 51
D’Aran, Nina (principal), 122, 123, 140
David, Elyse (nine-year-old), 32
Davies, Brandy (teacher), 151–153, 159, 162
PAX game used by, 154, 157–158
Davies family (Emily, husband, and son Christopher), 87–88
day care, 112
DBT. See dialectical behavior therapy
Deci, Edward, 52, 90
Department of Transitional Assistance, 112
depression
age and, 156
criticism impact on brain and, 38–40, 49
discipline and, 43
expressed emotion and, 47
high-school students showing fewer signs of, 61
lack of sleep factor in, 88
rise in, 13
social media linked to, 14, 19
tough parenting causing, 52
detox week. See do-nothing-say-nothing week
development
failure and setbacks role in, 65
impact of parental time on, 65
misbehavior and, 6
Developmental Affective Neuroscience Lab, 97–104
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), 204–205
dinner party, multi-family, 209–210, 222–224
disabilities, Central School approach to children with, 121–124
discipline
article on new techniques of, 8
CDC findings on adult problems arising from ACEs and, 42–43
complex issue of, 57
depression and, 43
empathy and connection as basis of, 43–44, 54
four models of, 86
harsh verbal, 43
invisible, 172
looking for proof of successful, 208
as missing piece in middle ground style, 66
parent objections to, 94
parental fear of using, 68
public displays of, 172
true meaning of, 87
See also brain and brain development
distractibility, rise in, 13
do-nothing-say-nothing week, 83–86, 125, 136
donut-muffin problem, between Maddie and Ava, 219–222
Dreikurs, Rudolf, 91–92, 93
drum circle, 29
Duckworth, Angela, 65, 192
Duct Tape Parenting (Hoefle), 85, 145
Dunedin longitudinal study, 33
Durrant, Celia, family of, social media issues in, 14–19
Dweck, Carol, 65, 128
dyslexia, 214
EE. See expressed emotion
Eisenberger, Naomi, 51
Embry, Dennis, 155–157
emotional biology, 103
emotional regulation
brain development and, 52–54
improved through the PAX game, 152, 155–159
unstructured playtime importance to, 30–31
emotions
diagnosing misbehavior by parental, 93
expressed emotion concept, 46–47
study of spouse touch and, 44–45
vocabulary for, 138
empathy, 152
discipline based on connection and, 43–44, 54
self-regulation strengthened by parents’, 137–138, 208
stress and, 137–138
endorphins, 41–42
executive function, 29–30, 54, 105
intelligence not linked with, 52
unstructured playtime and, 34–35
expectations, parental, 135, 150
explore through movement and play, Boston Basic, 106
The Explosive Child (Greene), 121
expressed emotion (EE), 46–47
Facebook, 14, 19
failure, developmental role of, 65
Fake Instagram, 16–17
falls, 33
families
at-risk, 162
cultural backgrounds in Apprenticeship Model use by, 201–202
expressed emotion and, 46–47
meetings, 114–115
mental illness passed along by, 198
perceived criticism measure and, 48
schizophrenia recovery impacted by, 46–47
Family Sangha, 194–195, 197, 205
Father Knows Best (television show), 56, 60–61
fathers
parenting style most common to, 71
time spent on child care, 64
Ferguson, Ronald, 104–110
fidgets, 158
fight-or-flight response, 101, 200
fights, sibling, 184–185
See also rough play
fMRI. See functional MRI
four Rs rule, for consequences, 168–169
Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life (Gray), 28–29
free-range kids, 34
Friedlander, Jocelyn, 109
friends
best friends approach, 60
parent guilt and desire to be, 68
fruit snack, 169–172
functional MRI (fMRI), 38–40, 49, 97, 98, 99
disqualifying for, 104
games, 29–30
gene expression, PAX game creating changes in, 157
The Gift of Failure (Lahey), 65, 192
Gonzalez-McCoy family, dinner party with, 209–210, 222–224
Gottman, John, 45
Grant family (Niamh, Lara, Isabella), 79–81
Gray, Peter, 28–29
Greene, Ross, 86, 87, 121, 122–124
parenting language of, 201
problem-solving approach, 139–142
Gudareva, Olga, 11–12
guilt-driven parenting, 126
Halloween costume situation, 207
happiness, play and, 28–29
Harlow, Harry, 51
Hart, Betty, 105
Henry, Darren, 66–68
high school students
graduation statistics, 105
parenting style survey of, 61–62
Hirschfeld, Al, 90–91
Hirsh-Pasek, Kathy, 29–30
hitting, 133–134, 168, 218, 219
by accident, 53
Hoefle, Vicki, 127, 143–144, 147, 191
do-nothing-say-nothing week, 83–86, 125, 136
on anchoring praise, 132–133
on bossiness, 125–126
on independence, 175–177
on meltdowns, 134
on parents as problem, 145
on son writing on doors with markers, 215–217
teaching workshop, 82–87
Hofer, Myron, 101
home life, Greene on school and, 142
homework, 66
academic achievement as not associated with, 70
ADHD and, 69
Ava’s spelling, 180
limits and routines, 179–183
Maddie’s attitude toward, 182–183
1970s versus mid-2000s, 70
research on play and, 179
yelling to get kids to do, 67–68
Hooley, Jill, 40, 48–50
hostile attribution bias, 154
household chores
age-appropriate, 147–150
appreciation and, 117
area of dominion, 150–151
capability-building through, 144, 145–147
as contributions, 144
cooking, 148–149, 178–179
Cullen family and, 115–116, 177–178
importance of children doing, 25, 26
Lewis family, 145–146
PEP approach to, 89
real-life needs approach, 148
resistance to doing, 150
self-determination theory and, 25, 26
How to Raise an Adult (Lythcott-Haims), 65, 192
hypothalamus, 44, 45, 50–51
immigrant parents, 202
implicit bias test, 102–103
impulse control
in adults, 193
experiments of 1948 and 2003 on, 11–12
PAX game and, 164
trauma history and, 152
inadequacy, as fourth misbehavior type in Adlerian framework, 92
incentives and consequences approach, 122
infant separation, 100–101
infants
responsive parents triggering endorphin release in, 41–42
Romanian orphanages study of, 41
words heard by, 105
Inside Out, 199
Instagram, 16–19
depression and, 14
intelligence, executive function and, 52
intrinsic motivation, 91, 117, 213
Jackson, Bay and Josiah and children Zealand, Scarlet and Magnolia, 143–145, 164
Jessup, Linda (PEP founder), David and, 91–94, 155, 211–212
Johns Hopkins Center for Prevention and Early Intervention, 155–156, 157
joint attention, 22, 23
Jump Start, 112
Kaiser Family Foundation, 23
Kaiser Permanente, 42–43
Kardashian, Kim, 16
Konrath, Sara, 137–138
Kross, Ethan, 19–20, 21
language
parenting, 201
sign, 113, 130
Lewis, Brian (husband), 57, 58, 59, 211
control freaks description, 95
on household chores, 116
parenting style of, 61
Lewis family
household chores, 145–146
implicit bias test for mother and daughter, 102–103
oldest daughter Samantha, 7
restaurant game, 148
See also Ava; Maddie
LGBTQ+ identity, 21
life satisfaction
lower levels of, 14
social media linked to lower levels, 19–20
limits and routines
areas covered by, 169
bath time example, 175–177
choices and, 174
Cullen family example of, 169–172
four Rs rule for consequences, 168–169
homework, 179–183
invisible discipline and transition period, 172
learning from consequences, 173–177
Maddie’s screen time and, 165–167, 186–188
screen time, 183–184
sibling fights and, 184–185
listening
nonjudgmental, 124
reflective, 124–125, 137
Lost at School (Greene), 121
Luyckx, Koen, 61–62
Maddie (middle child), 97–98, 104
Class Dojo and, 213
cooking loved by, 148–149
donut-muffin problem between Ava and, 219–222
homework attitude, 182–183
observing third-grade classroom of, 181–182
screen time limits and, 165–167
study exclusion and, 118
magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), 8, 37
functional, 38–40
mother’s presence during, 50
make-believe games, 30
Manuilenko, Z. V., 11–12
marriage, 45
McMeekin family, Shannon, Nicholas, and children Sam and Francesca
children’s separate practice of mindfulness meditation, 202–207
daughter’s panic attacks, 199
Family Sangha and, 194–195, 197
father’s death, 197
modeling and, 199–200
Sam’s car incident, 205–207
Medicaid, PAX and, 163–164
meditation, 195–196, 204–205
See also mindfulness meditation
meltdowns
Hoefle on, 134
Jackson family, 144
mental illness
as passed along by families, 198
perceived criticism predictor for, 48–50
social media factor in, 14
teenager percentages, 23
Merikangas, Kathleen, 23, 25
mice, television for, 21–22
Milkie, Melissa, 65
Millennials, 208
mindfulness meditation
children’s separate practice of, 202–207
dialectical behavior therapy use of, 204–205
Family Sangha, 194–195, 197
mindful parenting and, 197–198
misbehavior
attention-seeking view of, 74–75
cycle of, 66
Davies students’ trauma and, 151–152
diagnosis of, 93
misperception leading to, 140–141
1950s example of punishment for, 55–56
as normal part of development, 6
parents as problem underlying, 145
puzzle analogy, 124
question about, 9
tantrums viewed as, 53–54
types of, 71, 91–92
weeds analogy for, 143–144
misbehavior epidemic
anxiety and, 13, 24
depression and distractibility increase, 13
self-control research and, 11–12
social media factor in, 14–19
technology and TV research on, 20–23
television and screen use research and, 20–21
mistaken goals, misbehavior types labeled as, 92
mistakes, value of children’s, 83
modeling, parent
Halloween group costume situation, 207
McMeekins and, 199–200, 207
screen use and, 193
mood disorders. See behavioral disorders
morning routine
advance communication in, 129
donut-muffin situation between Maddie and Ava, 219–222
Grant family example of ideal, 79–81
including children’s opinions in, 215
Maddie and Ava, 186–188
Mother Jones, 8
mothers
anxiety lessened by presence of, 50–51
presence during MRIs, 50
time spent on child care, 64
motivation
intrinsic, 91, 117, 213
praise as undermining, 65
Mountain Cloud Zen Center, 194–195, 197, 202–207
MRI. See magnetic resonance imaging
multi-family dinner party, 209–210, 222–224
mumble and walk away technique, 130, 212
nagging, 50
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 4, 23
National Longitudinal Survey of Youth (NLSY), 20–21
National Sleep Foundation, 88
negotiation, in Apprenticeship Model, 90
Nelsen, Jane, 173
neurobiology, of ADHD, 69
neuroscience
affective, 38–40, 48–49, 97–100
brain structure study in, 40–41
connection measured by, 97, 98–104
New School for Social Research, 38
New School’s Trauma and Affective Psychophysiology Lab, 38
Nieves, Nadia, 38–40
NIMH. See N
ational Institute of Mental Health
NLSY. See National Longitudinal Survey of Youth
Nolen-Hoeksema, 13
nudity, on Snapchat, 17–18
nurturing versus toughening up a child, 74
Obedience Model, 75, 86, 89, 124
Ohio Avenue Elementary, 29, 86
drop in time-outs, 161–162
as high-poverty school, 163
red-green-yellow behavior charts used by, 161
student life traumas in, 158–159, 160
teacher training in PAX, 161–162
See also PAX Good Behavior Game, at Ohio Avenue Elementary
Omega-3 fatty acids, 88
opportunity cost, of punishment, 5
Oregon Youth Substance Use Project, 61–62
orphanages, Romanian, 41
overscheduling, anxiety caused by, 32
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP)
advice to end power struggles, 72–73
brain development understood in, 52–53
clay exercise in, 127–129
community, 214, 224
Cullen family and, 89–90, 114–116
founder, 91–94, 155, 211–212
ideal parent list of qualities exercise, 58–59
on independence, 175–177
internalizing, 167
Jessups as teachers of, 91–94, 185
letting go of control advice, 94
multi-family dinner party of graduates from, 209–210, 222–224
parent objections to avoiding punishment addressed in, 94–95
parental values for kids at age eighteen, 57
parents’ apology to children, 84, 167
PEP 1 and PEP 2 class structure, 210
on praise, 127–128, 132–133
role-plays, 93–94
social support and, 210–211
on special time appointments, 89–90, 96, 115, 117
teaching, 53
Tyrone on ending power struggles, 71–74
on words parents use, 132
parenting
bad habits, 172
competitive, 202, 214
goal of, 87, 192
guilt-driven, 126
judging other people’s, 213–214
language, 201
mindful, 197–198
sailing analogy for, 226–227
strength-based approach to, 214
successfully changing, 210–213
Tiger parenting, 7, 26–28, 51–52
parenting styles
best friends, 60
clay exercise for modeling different, 127–129
command-and-control, 7
comparison of authoritarian, authoritative and permissive, 60–61
danger areas and, 212
era of permissive, 60
of fathers, 71
friendship instead of discipline, 68
high-school students survey on, 61–62
impact of tough love, 51–52
middle ground of, 66
1980s and 1990s, 62–63
permissive, 60–61, 63
potty-training analogy for trying new, 211–212
prospective study on, 61–62
reward and punishment, 53, 90–91, 213
social support for new, 210–211
successfully adopting new, 210–213