The redesigned me Adam wants to rewrite now, too.
I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants, then cross my arms against my chest. My entire body is covered in a light sheen of sweat borne of uncertainty, but my jaw is quivering, my whole body a live wire, my stomach a twisted ball of nerves. As calmly as I can, I say, “I can’t just leave, Adam. My family’s here. And my friends. And, yeah, Denver has a police department, but I’d have to start all over there. I’ve worked hard for this. I’ve busted my ass, and I’m pretty damn sure they’re going to offer me the position. I can’t leave that…”
He’s quiet for a moment, then he glances up at me from under his ridiculously long eyelashes, behind the frames of his black-rimmed glasses. “Not even for me?”
That snaps my spine straight, and my anger rears its head. “Don’t do that. That’s an asshole move. It’s not fair, and you know it. Don’t put that on me. What about you? Why can’t you stay here? Your parents’ shop is here, and you’re doing a fantastic job of running it. Why can’t you do that? After seeing you working there, I can’t imagine you being happy sitting in an office all day on the computer.”
He shakes his head, looking down. “I can’t. I moved to Colorado to get away from all that. No, sitting in an office all day isn’t the most exciting job in the world, but it’s stable. I don’t want the uncertainty that comes with running the shop. Coming back here would be like throwing away the last seven years of my life and everything I’ve worked toward.”
“And it wouldn’t be like that for me? I’m working toward stuff, too. Why is your reason more important than mine?”
“It’s not about whose issues are more important, Paige. Sometimes you have to compromise in relationships.”
“And yet I’d be the one compromising everything and you wouldn’t be compromising anything.” Just like before. Once again, I’d be the one bending to someone else’s will. Once again, I’d be abandoning my plans for the happiness of someone else.
He laughs, but the sound is hollow. “I think we both know who’s been compromising the past three months, and it hasn’t been you. Maybe it’s your turn.”
“Maybe it’s—” I cut off, shaking my head and taking a deep breath, not wanting to fight with him over something he’s never mentioned, even offhandedly. We’ve never, not once, discussed the possibility of me moving there. Hell, we’ve never discussed what would happen in October, after he was set to leave. “This isn’t fair. That night when I freaked out—you said nothing had to change between us. And now you’re trying to change it into something you knew I never wanted.”
“We changed.” He flicks his finger between us, his voice hard. “Whether you’re too goddamn stubborn to admit it or not, we changed. And you were in this with me, one hundred percent, whether you pretend you weren’t or not. I’m just asking you to be with me one hundred percent in Colorado.”
Shaking my head, I press my fingers to my eyes, inhaling a shaky breath. “I don’t know where this is coming from or why all of the sudden—”
He steps into my space, pulls my hands away from my face, and looks at me, his thumbs caressing my palms. “I love you. I’m in love with you, Paige. That’s where it’s coming from. That’s why I want you to come with me. I want us to be together. I want you to be mine, for real and for good. None of these safety nets you’ve put in place. No expiration date. Just me, you, and Colorado.” He entwines his fingers with my shaking ones. “The question is, do you want that, too? Do you feel this thing between us?”
Memories of my time with Adam come to me, flooding my mind with happiness. With laughter and fun and intensity and passion. It’s been the best summer of my life; there’s no denying that. But is that enough?
Suddenly the picture book behind my closed eyes changes, and in place of the past few months with Adam, I’m remembering things from years ago, things I’ve tried hard to forget, tried for years to block out. Making plans around Bryan’s. Rewriting my college picks to be the places he got accepted. Missing the deadline on my number one school because of it. Paying my deposit for FSU—the school we were going off to together—two days before finding him fucking that other girl in my car.
Remembering that shuts me down cold. I won’t go through that again. Won’t change my life for a guy. Not when I can’t be sure he’ll stick around.
I tug my hands away from his and cross my arms. “I can’t believe you’d ask me to do that, to uproot my life because you want me to, after you know everything Bryan did to me.”
His jaw tics as he stares at me, and this is the maddest I’ve ever seen Adam. He doesn’t get upset. Doesn’t get riled or worked up. He’s even-tempered and calm, but right now there’s a storm brewing behind his sky blue eyes. “And I can’t believe you’re still comparing me to some asshole from your past who I am in no way like, and I’ve proven that time and time again.” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair and shakes his head. “But you’re not ever going to get that, are you? I’m always going to be compared to the guy who broke your heart. Whether we’re five or a thousand miles apart, we never had a chance.”
I don’t say anything. Find I can’t, because maybe he’s right. Maybe this was doomed from the start.
The room falls into a heavy silence, and I don’t dare look up at him, instead focusing on the carpet under our feet. I wish I hadn’t dropped his hand. Suddenly I want to feel it in mine, because I know this will be the last time. Any minute now he’s going to pull away and walk out that door, and that’ll be it. He’ll be gone from my life, and it’ll be just another reminder of exactly why I don’t traverse this pothole-ridden road that love and commitment are on.
I hold my breath when he reaches up, brushing the hair back from my face as he closes the distance between us. He tilts my head back, and I close my eyes before I can see him, before I can look into those bottomless eyes, and then his lips are on mine. His kiss is soft and tentative, just the barest whisper of his mouth on mine, and it’s not enough. I don’t have time to memorize the feel or the taste of his lips or what his body is like against mine before he steps back.
“Goodbye, Paige.”
I sense him moving away from me, but I don’t dare open my eyes. I’m too afraid of what I’ll see. Too afraid I’ll crumble and go after him, agree to his ridiculous plans because…what? Because we had a great time for two months? Like that’s enough on which to build a lasting relationship. Like that’s reason enough to uproot my life, to totally fuck over my career, and start over.
The quiet snick of the door shutting behind him is like a foghorn in the otherwise quiet room, and I exhale a deep breath, my shoulders curling forward as the weight against my chest presses harder.
He’s gone, walked away from me when I wouldn’t change everything in my life, rewrite it to fit his. I shouldn’t have listened to the advice Dillon gave me. I should’ve listened to my gut. Since the beginning of this thing with Adam, it’s been whispering for me to leave, to get the hell away. And this just proves why all my avoidance was necessary.
All love brings is heartache and pain, and no matter what lesson I got out of this relationship, it isn’t worth the tears trailing down my cheeks, or the stabbing pain in my heart, or the agony twisting my insides.
It isn’t worth shit, and I’d do good to remember that.
THIRTY
adam
It’s my last day here before I go back home. Home. The word puts a sour taste in my mouth, the idea that my home be somewhere other than here all wrong. Funny how I’ve been in Colorado for seven years and it has never felt like home like this place does. Even my shitty apartment across from Paige felt more like home than my place in Denver ever has.
Paige.
Just the thought of her name brings an empty feeling to my gut, an ache to my chest. The morning I walked away, I had to force myself not to turn around. Not to go back and tell her it was the hangover talking. That I’d be happy to take whatever she could give me.
But I force
d myself to stand my ground, because the thing is, I know I won’t be satisfied with the tiny bit she was willing to give, and there’s no more denying the way I feel toward her. Not now. Not after I’d tasted those words on my tongue, looked in her eyes when I told her I loved her, and watched the sheer terror reflected back at me in hers. She’s running away from everything I’ve ever run toward.
But more than that, she’s terrified of it.
And it makes me an idiot for thinking it could ever work between us. How did I delude myself enough to think I could be happy with the scraps she tossed my way? That I’d be happy being in an extended one-night stand?
Except I know it was more than that. We were more than that. Paige can deny it all she wants, but I know. We were in a relationship, even if we never defined it until that middle of the night panic attack. Even if we didn’t use the label, never said the word, it doesn’t change what it was well before that night, either.
I’ve dealt with breakups. I might not be as versed as Cade or Jase when it comes to having dozens of girls in my bed, but I’m a step ahead of them when it comes to the messy parts—the parts they never wanted to deal with. The tears and the harsh words and the heartache that comes from giving up on something that’s been a part of you for so long.
My shortest relationship before Paige was just over a year, and that breakup didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the split from my high school girlfriend of two and a half years. I don’t know if it was the fact that Nikki had been my first in everything…if it was because we broke up not because of some fight or disagreement or loss of interest but instead because of circumstances—she was going to school in Texas and I was going to Colorado, and we decided it’d be best to cut our losses. If it was the fact that she was my longest relationship, and thus I had the most invested in it.
It doesn’t feel that way now, though. Logically, Paige should be the easiest to get over if I’m going by time invested. Two months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the blink of an eye, a blip on the radar.
But if that’s the case, why do I have this hollow feeling in my chest? This ache that’s radiating out, spreading everywhere until it’s all I can feel, even after more than a week since I’ve seen her face or heard her voice. Since I’ve had her pressed up against me, listened to her heckle me about some sport we went head to head on. Since I’ve gotten a ridiculous text about how they make the fake blood for horror movies.
I’ve never had to deal with unreciprocated love, and I can honestly say a kick in the nuts with a steel-toed boot would hurt less.
“You’re all packed?” Cade’s voice interrupts my thoughts, and I shift on the chair on the back patio, grateful for the distraction.
“Yeah, got everything loaded last night, so I could leave whenever today.” I have the few things I brought from home shoved in my car, my suitcase full of clothes stuffed in the trunk.
Cade, Jase, and I moved everything out of my apartment and back into my parents’ basement yesterday. I don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse that I didn’t see Paige once. Not in person, anyway. I’ve dreamt about her, though. Every night, and there’s no getting around it. Everything’s back to just like it was after that night in December—the night that changed everything.
Except now it’s a thousand times worse, because I know who she is. Paige isn’t just a pretty girl anymore, someone with a gorgeous face and a killer body who knows her way around a bedroom. She’s sarcastic and funny and adventurous and smart and not mine.
Now when I dream of her, I know exactly what I’m missing.
Cade stretches his legs out in front of him and takes a sip of coffee from the mug my mom handed him. She’s been flitting around for the past two days, hovering with that sad look on her face, shooting me worried glances. My parents have always met all my girlfriends. Even the ones who lived in Colorado. It seems weird that they don’t even know about Paige when she’s taken up such a huge part of my life for the summer. But even without knowing her, even without knowing I was seeing someone, I think they realize something’s up. My mom especially. She has this weird sixth sense about stuff like that.
“You gonna try and drive straight through?” Cade asks, glancing over at me.
“Nah.” I shake my head. “I think I’ll stop somewhere in Iowa. The last couple days have been long, and I don’t wanna fall asleep at the wheel.”
Jase shifts in his seat, but he doesn’t say anything. They both know it’s more than a couple days that have been long. Neither of them has asked anything about Paige, but they don’t need to. You don’t have two decades of friendship under your belt without knowing certain things, and they’ve been with me enough through other break-ups that they know what one looks like.
“I sure am gonna miss these apple pies your mom’s been fueling me with,” Jase says as he pats his stomach. “Though it’s probably a good thing. I was starting to get a pudge.”
I breathe out a laugh and shake my head. “You know she’d bake you one whenever you want. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’d love it.”
“Yeah, but I’m just a substitute for the real deal.” He pauses as he takes a sip of his coffee. “A much funnier, much better looking substitute, but a substitute all the same.”
Cade laughs but the joke falls flat for me, because Jason’s words ring a little truer than I’d like. I’ve never felt guilty before when leaving. I don’t know what’s different about this time. No, I haven’t been home for a summer in a few years—not since I graduated—but this isn’t the first one I’ve spent back here. It’s also not the first one I’ve spent working at the shop. It shouldn’t feel any different.
But it is different. In all the times I’ve worked at the shop, that’s all it’s been. Just me, running the register, helping customers, being a fill-in for any other worker. This time, though, I did something. I revived the business, breathed life into it, and it almost feels like I’m leaving a piece of myself behind.
“You guys remember that time we snuck out of here to go to that party at Mallory’s house in high school?” Cade asks. Jase laughs as I groan, remembering that night like it was yesterday. “That much funnier, better looking substitute got us out of a shitload of trouble. I still don’t think your mom called our parents,” he says to me. Then he turns to Jase. “How’d you manage that, anyway?”
“A professional flirt never shares his secrets.”
“Hey, asshole, you just admitted to flirting with my mom,” I say, though there’s no heat behind it. Jase’s been flirting with her for as long as I can remember. “Breaks bro-code, dude.”
“He’s right.” Cade tips his head in my direction.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t see either of you complain when we were sixteen and didn’t get our asses handed to us by our parents. I can’t help that moms love me. And some love me.” He breathes a deep sigh, closing his eyes. “Remember Mrs. Wheeler?”
“Oh Jesus,” Cade and I groan the same time. Then I say, “Do we really have to hear this story again?”
“Did either of you ever get with a hot cougar when you were eighteen? No? I didn’t think so, so shut the hell up and live vicariously through me like good goddamn best friends would.” He reaches up, rubbing his jaw and looking thoughtful. “I should really send her some flowers or something in thanks. She taught me how to eat pussy. And that has come in handier than anything else I learned my entire high school career.”
“Dude.” Cade shoots a sharp glare at Jason, and I can only snicker behind my mug.
“What?” He shrugs. “You never complained about my stories before. And now that it’s your sis—” Jase holds out his coffee mug when Cade pushes off his chair to stand. “Don’t take another step, man. I have hot coffee, and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“I have fists and I’m not afraid to use them, either. Keep your fucking mouth shut.” Cade shoves a finger in Jase’s direction as he sits back down, grumbling under his breath about best friends and baby sisters and the hor
ror of it all.
All I can do is laugh. I’ve loved being around them while I’ve been home. With college and jobs and life, it’s been too long since we’ve had more than a couple days at a time to hang out. I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss everything about this place.
Cade breaks the silence a few minutes later. “All joking aside, it’s been nice having you home. It’d be great to have you here all the time.”
“Yeah, especially since I can’t even breathe a word about Tess around this asshole before he gets his panties in a twist,” Jase says, hooking his thumb toward Cade.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t call me and talk about that shit all the time.” I stretch my legs out, folding my hands together over my stomach. “It has been nice, but I can’t stay. You guys know that. Don’t start in on me, too. My mom hasn’t let up. Every day, I get another pleading look or a bribe pie.”
“All right, we’ll drop it.” Jason clears his throat, and I don’t miss the glance he shoots at Cade. “So, uh, have you talked to Paige lately?”
It was too much to think I could get away with not talking about it with them. I should just be happy they’ve given me a reprieve from everything since The Night of Epic Drunkenness. I grab my coffee off the patio table and take a sip, really wishing it were something a little stronger, even with the memory of that alcohol-fest fresh in my mind. Might make saying this out loud a little easier.
I shake my head. “Nope. Not for a while.”
“So that’s it?” Cade asks.
I shrug. “Not much more there could be.”
“You’re not even going to try to keep something going long distance?” Jase looks over at me, but I avoid his gaze, staring out at the backyard.
“There’s no point.”
“Did she say that?” Cade cuts in. “That she didn’t want to try?”
“Not in so many words.”
“What words did she use, jackass?” Jase asks. “Jesus, you’re worse than Tess when she’s pissed. Give us something to work with.”
Paige in Progress (Reluctant Hearts #3) Page 22