This is how every conversation with my mom is. I could set the phone down and walk into another room for ten minutes, not saying a word, and she wouldn’t have the faintest idea I’d done it.
Needing to cut in, I say, “That’s a good idea. I’m sure she’d appreciate it.”
“And I’ll get to soak up some of those baby cuddles. Oh, it can’t get here fast enough! Now, since it’s not Sunday and you’re calling anyway, something must be on your mind. What is it, honey? You feeling better now?”
“Better? I’ve been feeling fine.”
“I just meant after you left here…”
I close my eyes, knowing it was too much to hope that she didn’t notice anything while I was there. “Yeah, Mom, I’m fine.”
She heaves a deep breath. “I was trying to wait patiently for you to tell me this on your own, but it’s clear that’s not going to happen, so I guess I’ll just have to come out with it.”
“Out with what?”
“Who the girl is.”
I pause, my entire body frozen. “What girl?”
“It’s a little late to play dumb, Adam. You forgot to drop off the key to your apartment. I tried calling you, but when I couldn’t get through, I tried Jason. He gave me the address, so I thought I’d just run it over.” I curse under my breath and close my eyes, because I know what’s coming before she even says anything. “Funny thing…I ran into that girl who came into the shop a while back. The stunning blonde getting rappelling gloves. You remember her?”
“I remember,” I mumble.
“Mhmm, I just bet you do. I guess I should be happy about it. Makes me feel better that you moved into that apartment to be closer to her. I thought you were doing it to get away from me!” She laughs, and my dad’s training is hard at work. I keep my mouth shut. “So that’s why you were moping around here those last couple days. I couldn’t figure it out, but I should’ve known it was over a girl. You always have been my little lovebird, haven’t you? Since you were little. So how are things going with that? I didn’t want to ask her—thought that might be overstepping. But she looked—well, I hate to say this. Don’t want it to seem like I’m gossiping, you know—but, well, she looked a little run down. Sad. Maybe you need to call her more. Do those video talks and whatnot.”
The fact that Paige doesn’t look like herself shouldn’t fill me with relief. It makes me a Grade A Asshole that it does, but I can’t help it. Because maybe it means she wasn’t as unfeeling about this whole thing as she led me to believe.
Clearing my throat, I say, “Um, yeah. We dated while I was there, but that was it. We’re not still seeing each other.”
“No? Hmmm…”
I can practically hear the wheels turning in her mind, and before she can dive into something that I most definitely don’t want to get into with my mother, I break in. “Actually, Mom, the reason I was calling is about the shop. Is Dad around? Can we talk on speakerphone?”
“Oh, sure, sweetheart. One sec, let me grab him.” She puts the phone away from her mouth and calls for my dad, then they’re both there, on speakerphone and waiting for what I have to say.
“How’s it been going since I’ve been gone?”
There’s a pause. “Good, good, son. We’re playing catch up a bit, but we expected as much. You were doing such a great job of running everything while you were here.”
“Dad. Come on, don’t BS me. I’ve got the numbers right in front of me. The first week or two could’ve been you getting your footing, but a month? What’s going on?”
He heaves a deep breath, and I hear my mom whisper, “Just tell him, Calvin.”
“Tell me what?”
I don’t have to be there to know my mom is looking at my dad with that pointed stare, one eyebrow raised, arms crossed with her finger tapping on the opposite elbow. Dad clears his throat and then turns my whole world upside down. “We’re looking into selling the shop, Adam. It’s time. Our hearts just aren’t in it anymore. We want to travel and see the grandbabies. We want to be able to come out and visit you—you know we’ve never once been out there? Can’t even see what you’ve worked so hard for. We’ve loved the shop, but we’re tired of being tied to it. We’re ready, and we want to do it before it slips much farther and we can’t sell it for what it’s worth.”
“How—” My voice breaks, and I clear my throat at the overwhelming emotion clogging it. “How far are you in this?”
“We’ve got the name of a Realtor. We haven’t called yet, but it’s coming.”
“Does Aubrey know?”
“No, no…we’ll tell her soon, but she never loved it like you did,” my dad says.
“We don’t want you to think we don’t appreciate everything you did when you came out here, honey.” Mom’s voice is watery. “We do. So much. But we just can’t keep it up anymore. And we don’t want to let it slide until the damage is irreparable, and we can’t sell it for what we need to. We hope you understand.”
“Of course.” I swallow, rubbing a hand over my chest, because it hurts. Physically hurts—at the thought of someone else coming into my shop and doing things wrong, screwing up everything I’ve worked for. And not just what I’ve spent the past three months working for, but well before that. My whole life. It’s my family’s legacy, and I don’t know if I can let it go. I don’t know if I want to.
Somehow, the three months of living in Michigan, working at the shop and doing something, was enough to make me hate everything I used to love. But more than that, it was enough to shake the foundation of everything I used to crave. And in the past couple weeks, I’ve been asking myself daily how I could have ever been satisfied with it. With the monotony of the day-to-day life. No variety, just the same thing day in and day out.
I’ve hated every fucking second of it, and maybe it’s time I stopped lying to myself about it. Before it’s too late to get what I want.
* * *
paige
This is the day I’ve been waiting for. The day I’ve worked my ass off for for the past five years. I sacrificed for this. I readjusted my plans, took on more, just to prove to myself Bryan didn’t break me. Couldn’t break me. I wasn’t going to let his deceit change my outlook anymore. I was going to fight for what I wanted, and I was going to get it.
And I did.
In a bar around the corner from headquarters, Tanner’s laugh is loud, several of his buddies and fellow cops crowded around us on stools. After Captain Peters offered me the permanent position, boasting about my tenacity and drive, Tanner wanted to take me out for a beer to celebrate.
I should be fucking thrilled right now, especially since I had the chance to throw my promotion in the face of that asshole Jared as if to say, see? Told you I’d get the job. I should be slinging back beers with the rest of the guys—the guys who are now my colleagues. I should want to shout at the fucking moon, I did this! Despite the challenges thrown my way, despite wrenches being thrown in my plans and things not working out how I originally thought they would, I got here.
Somehow, though, I thought it’d feel different. Maybe it’s the build up. I’ve been striving for this for a long damn time, so when it finally came, maybe it was inevitable that it fell a little flat. That it feels a little hollow.
Except I know why it feels flat…why I feel hollow…and it has nothing to do with the job, and everything to do with He Who Shall Not Be Named.
A while later, after I’ve managed to say about fourteen words the entire time, I walk out to my car, Tanner following. It’s dark, the streetlights on and the chilly fall air comforting in a way I love. Tanner opens my door for me, but blocks it before I can get in.
“Sorry, I forgot you like hugs now,” I say and wrap my arms around him, squeezing, before pulling away. When he doesn’t move out of the way, I raise my eyebrows. “I have to pay a toll now to get into my car?”
“Just wanted to see what’s up with you. You’ve been weird lately, and you didn’t tell one crass joke in there the who
le time. Wondering where my baby sister is.”
“She’s right here. I’m just stressed,” I lie, averting my eyes and leaning in to toss my purse on the passenger’s seat. “Once everything is wrapped up next week and I can focus on the job, it’ll be better. I promise I’ll be back in all my crass glory.”
Tanner stares at me, his Cop Gaze in full effect, but I don’t flinch away, and eventually he relents with a nod. Pulling the door open farther, he lets me get in, then leans into the open space. “Sorry we can’t marathon season six this weekend. But I’ll see you at Mom and Dad’s on Sunday, right?”
“Yep, dinner at six. I’ll see you then.”
“Bye, Punky. Text me when you get home.” He shuts my door for me and stands guard until I’ve pulled away. I should be out having the time of my life tonight, celebrating until all hours of the morning. Instead, I’m going home alone.
Back to my apartment that holds nothing but ghosts.
i’d have to be blind to miss the worried glances my brothers are shooting to each other across the table. Plus, Tanner hasn’t hassled me once, or teased me about how I look or smell, so he’s definitely going easy on me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out he must’ve talked to Dillon after Friday night at the bar, and Dillon no doubt filled him in on our little talk from last month. The Code of Silence doesn’t mean shit when it comes to these two. Like a couple of gossiping old ladies.
“How’s your dinner, honey?” Mom asks. “I wanted to make your favorite to celebrate. We’re so proud of you.” She smiles at me and glances at my dad, who nods.
“Told ya you’d get that job, Punky,” he says.
I force myself to take a bite of lasagna and smile around my fork. “Thanks. And it’s awesome, Mom. Super great.” I cringe, knowing my brothers are going to call me out on that, but when silence greets me, I relax into my seat and continue picking at my food. Food that used to be my favorite, but now is tainted with Adam. Just when I think I’m getting past this bullshit, the bastard pops up when I least expect it. I remember him telling me his mom made sure he could do three things before he moved out—his laundry, clean a bathroom, and make one dinner. The dinner he perfected being lasagna. He promised he’d make it for me. Turns out he’s a liar.
But the fact that he never made it for me is kind of my own fault.
Okay, no kind of about it.
I pushed him away, but what other choice did he give me? He didn’t give me the option of continuing what we had long distance. It was move there with him, or it was over. And after everything that happened, everything from my past, how could he think for a minute I’d be okay with that?
I justify my actions on days when I’m missing him the most. Play out an alternate ending, one where we’re still on talking terms. Sometimes, it’s because we stayed friends, and while it would hurt to hear him talk about other girls, at least I’d get to talk to him. Because somehow in the short months he was here, he wormed his way into my life, fixing himself front and center, right next to Tessa as one of my best friends.
Other times—and these are the ones I never admit to, allow myself to fantasize about it, then act like it never happened—I pretend we’re still together. That he stayed here or that we made it work long distance until I could get a bit more time under my belt as an analyst, make it easier to transfer. That’s usually when I snap myself out of it, because knowing that I think about transferring proves the one thing I’ve been trying hard to ignore. The thing I’ve been fighting against since last December.
I’m in love with him.
When the plates have been cleared and Tanner and Dillon are on dish duty—their week—I sneak outside to shoot some hoops by myself. This was one thing Adam and I never did together, and I’m grateful for the reprieve, shooting three-pointers while Buddy watches from his perch on the garage floor.
After a while, the back door opens and out come my brothers, their looks of worry replaced with smug expressions. “Who’s up for some old school H.O.R.S.E.?” Tanner asks. “I’m feeling the need to kick a little ass.”
“You couldn’t kick ass if it was bent over in front of you,” Dillon says, snatching the ball from me.
This is what I need. The easy back and forth I have with my brothers. Getting lost in a physical sport, letting my body lead for once instead of my head—or worse, my heart.
The reprieve doesn’t last for long, because by the time the game is done, when we’ve all heckled each other within an inch of our lives, I can’t help the thought that I wish Adam had met Dillon and Tanner. Despite being the dude sleeping with their baby sister, Adam would’ve gotten along great with my brothers.
Before I know it, I’m being surrounded by sweaty man muscle, sandwiched between my brothers in a bear hug, and tears prickle at the corners of my eyes. They used to do this when I was younger, to make me feel better. When my first goldfish died. When we found out we were moving after a whopping three months in Georgia. When Dillon went to boot camp in Missouri.
I manage to keep the tears at bay. At least until Tanner says, “You’ll be all right.” And then Dillon follows it up with, “Just wading through some shit, Punky. It’ll all work out in the end.”
I bury my face in the sweaty chest of one of my brothers—it doesn’t matter which one, because they’re both here to provide the same purpose. And the thing is, I know Dillon’s right. It will work out, eventually. Eventually I’ll get to a point where I don’t think about Adam every day, don’t dream about him every night. Where I don’t see his ghost in everything I do, everywhere I go.
Eventually.
THIRTY-FOUR
adam
“Am I out of my mind for doing this?” I ask for the millionth time. “Driving twelve hundred miles for the third time in six months?”
“Yeah, you are,” Jase’s voice booms over my Bluetooth. “Isn’t it great?”
“Not helping, asshole.”
“Look, man, what do you want me to say? You need another pep talk? Because I gave you one when you called me three weeks ago and suggested it in the first place. I’ve given you one every day since then. And I know Cade’s been giving you them, too. Shit, dude, how much dick licking do you need before you get off? Goddamn.”
“What the fuck?”
“Sorry, I’m a little preoccupied. Horny as fuck and Tessa’s not home.”
“Well, Jesus, go look at some porn or something. Don’t talk about licking my dick.”
“I wasn’t talking about licking your—fuck, never mind. When are you gonna be here?”
“GPS says a little over two hours.”
“Cool, Cade and I’ll be at your parents’ place around then. Haley’s been asking to go over this week, anyway.”
“My mom is going to adopt her as a grandchild if you’re not careful.”
He laughs. “She already has, and I have no objections. Neither does Tess.”
With Tessa’s parents long gone, Haley’s dad out of the picture from day one, and Jason on the outs with his parents, that means Haley doesn’t have any grandparents to dote over her. Not by choice, but by circumstance. And I was willing to leave my parents—who’ve always been supportive and damn cool when it came down to it—just because of security.
I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. What kind of life would I have had in Colorado? A quiet life with a quiet job and a quiet wife. Boring. Dull.
No more.
Giving my two weeks to Ken felt more exhilarating than my first climb. Getting to the top of the rock and looking out at how far I’d climbed had nothing on taking control of my life and doing what I wanted instead of what I thought I needed.
Calling my parents and telling them to stop everything, that I wanted the store to stay in the family, and I wanted to come home and run it was a kind of high I’ve never experienced. For the first time in my life, it felt right. Not just correct, like it was the proper route, but sure, straight to my bones.
“Speaking of your parents, how long are
you planning to stay at home this time?”
I laugh, shaking my head. “Well, Aubrey’s about to pop, and Mom wants to go down for a couple weeks to help out, so it’ll give me some time to find something.”
“Plus she’ll probably stock the freezer with meals for when she’s gone…”
“Yes, you can come over.”
“I knew you were my best friend for a reason,” he says. “Oh, hey, Tess is home. I gotta go.”
“Hey, wait a sec. Can I talk to her quick?”
“Uh, sure. Hang on.”
There’s muted voices over the line, and what I’m pretty sure is the sound of them making out for a good thirty seconds, then Tessa says, “Hi, Adam. What’s up?”
I clear my throat, unsure how I should pose this question, but still needing to know. “Hey, um, listen…I know this probably breaks girl code or whatever, but I was wondering…Paige talk about me at all?”
“Adam…”
“Yeah, you’re right. Stupid idea to even go there. Hey, will I see you tonight?”
She’s quiet for a minute. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Can’t wait to have you home.”
“Me, too. See you soon.”
I don’t wait for a reply before I end the call. And then have the urge to bang my head against the steering wheel. I’m going back to Michigan for all the right reasons—wanting to be a part of my family’s business, wanting to do something I love rather than just getting by. Even knowing all that, I can’t help the what ifs from going through my mind.
What if I didn’t tell Paige I loved her like that?
What if I didn’t tell her it was all or nothing?
What if I’d made this decision to come back five weeks ago?
But even with all the what ifs, I fear we would’ve come out the same way. Because no matter how you cut it, Paige just wasn’t ready.
I wonder if she’ll ever be.
THIRTY-FIVE
paige
Paige in Progress (Reluctant Hearts #3) Page 24