by Natalie Dean
“And is that so difficult to acquire?”
She knew from discussions about purchasing their own farm with her husband that collateral could really be anything of value. A porcelain dish or an antique portrait frame. Anything that would ensure payment.
“I came out West with nothing,” Mr. Jacobs admitted. “I don’t have anything to put up for the loan. And, Mr. Miles says that to move the application up the line, you must know someone at the bank. And, he has contacts.”
“It seems as though his contacts move just as slowly as a normal banker might,” she said. She could not help the sarcastic tone which entered her voice. She was sure it was this tone that caused Mr. Jacobs to heave yet another frustrated sigh.
“It may be difficult to understand, Mrs. Dixon,” he said. “But, I trust Mr. Miles. In time, I think you’ll come to trust him too.”
They stopped at a white front door belonging to a small, wooden structure just behind the large ranch house.
“This’ll be your room for the time being,” Mr. Jacobs said opening the door. Bernadette looked inside to find a small, sparse room with a bed and one brown dresser.
“It’s a little removed from the rest of us in the house. That way you’ll get some privacy.”
“Thank you for that,” Bernadette said. Though the room was bare, she knew better than to turn her nose up at it. It was larger, after all than any of the rooms she’d slept in on the way to her new home. And, at least here, she would not be forced to room with an elderly snoring couple.
She turned back to Mr. Jacobs and gave him the most genuine smile she could under the circumstances. His eyes softened as she smiled at him, though he did not return it. Instead, he looked at her wistfully, as though he wanted to say something profound or sentimental to her but could not find the words.
Bernadette felt another leap in her chest that, she knew, had nothing to do with her condition.
A moment later, Mr. Jacobs moved his eyes back to the ground. When he looked up at her again, the softness was gone, and the closed expression he usually wore was back.
“I’ll come and fetch you in an hour for dinner,” he said. And with a slight, awkward bow, he turned on his heel and left Bernadette staring after him.
Bernadette made her way into the room and sank down onto the small bed provided. Slowly, she opened the Bible still carried on her person.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid.
Closing her eyes once more, she prayed again that God might give her the strength to heed those words.
Chapter 4
At dinner, she learned that Mr. Jacobs had been right, at least in part. Her first impression of Mr. Miles had not been entirely accurate.
When he’d greeted her, she thought him to be like the arrogant suitors she’d met in Philadelphia. At dinner, however, he proved himself to be worse than that.
He had proved himself to be the most conniving, slippery, self-centered man she had ever encountered.
Three other men, Jimmy, Sam, and Billy (who had made dinner), joined them for the evening meal. Despite this, it was Mr. Miles who did most of the talking.
Most of the discussion consisted of anecdotes Mr. Miles told about his various business dealings. Most of which were disreputable at best and downright criminal at worst.
Currently, he and most of the boys were laughing uproariously as Mr. Miles told a story about how he had stolen cattle from a rival.
“…And then, of course, Branson looks at the herd of cattle I’ve got and asks me where I got them. ‘I’m in the market for a new herd,’ he says. ‘Some slippery bastard has gone and taken all of mine,’ pardon my language, mam,” Miles said still laughing as he turned and nodded at Bernadette. “But Herman Branson’s a very foul-mouthed man. I wouldn’t do the story justice if I didn’t add his color.”
“Mr. Miles, I am certain you could not add any more color to this particular story if you tried,” she said. Once again, she found that she could not help the dry, sarcastic tone that colored her words. None of the other men seemed to notice her tone.
None that is…except for Mattathias. To Bernadette’s surprise, he did not appear to take exception to her silent criticism of his boss. Indeed, when he caught her eye, he seemed to understand the humor infused in her words and gave her a small, understanding smile.
This, Bernadette reflected, was the first time she had ever seen Mattathias smile. It wasn’t a full grin, more of a humor filled smirk. Still, it felt more than nice to be able to share at least one thing with her soon to be fiancé.
“Anyway,” Mr. Miles said, continuing his story. “I told Branson that the cattle were for sale if he was willing to buy them. Then, if you can believe it, he bought his own herd off me for twice what he would have otherwise paid.”
Billy, Jimmy, and Sam joined in with Mr. Miles uproarious laughter. Mr. Jacobs, however, did not.
“Mr. Miles,” he said quietly when the laughter at the table had died down. “I’m not sure Bernadette is entirely comfortable with this kind of talk.”
“Ah, you sound like that Pastor Rhodes,” Mr. Miles said with a sneer. “To hear him talk, no Christian man should curse, spit or do shady business deals.”
Bernadette, who remembered the kind man who had introduced himself as the pastor that afternoon, felt more than a bit affronted on the man’s behalf.
“It sounds as though Pastor Rhodes is adhering to Christian doctrine as a man in his station should,” Bernadette said as evenly as she could. “After all, doesn’t the Lord Jesus himself instruct us not to lie or cheat.”
Mr. Miles smile faded, and he looked hard at her for a moment before a tense smile returned.
“The Lord Jesus never ran a cattle ranch in the western territories,” Miles said. “Cheating and lying are par for the course out here. A man is obligated to cheat or risk getting cheated himself. You’ll soon get used to that.”
“Well, she’ll have to, won’t she?” Jimmy, a young boy, no more than seventeen asked with a long sallow face. “She’s going to be living here after all.”
“We’ve been needing a woman around for a while,” Sam cut in. He was older than Jimmy and a good deal bulkier with blonde, straight hair, and a square jaw. “To improve on Billy’s cooking if nothing else.”
“My cooking’s fine,” Billy said defensively. He was the oldest of the boys, but still in his late twenties. He was as slender as Mattathias though not as tall. “You’re just too stupid to appreciate it.”
But amid the jabs at Billy’s cooking, Bernadette held on to one aspect of the conversation that filled her with dread.
“I will not be in your company too long,” she said. “After all, once Mr. Jacobs secures his loan, we will be moving to the farm.”
Sam cocked his head confused.
“But…Mr. Miles said…”
“I said it’s taking longer than expected,” Mr. Miles put in with a stern look at Sam. “But, I’m sure the bank will not be able to stall much longer. Matt, you’ll have your farm soon enough.”
He raised his glass to Mattathias. Bernadette turned to her fiancé who did his best to smile at his employer, but, for the first time, she saw a hint of doubt as to the other man’s intentions in Mattathias’ face. It was the same doubt that had plagued her ever since she met the man.
Through the rest of dinner, Bernadette watched Mr. Miles laugh gleefully with more stories of his business acumen. She heard him put down his competitors in the area and speak to the boys as though they were little more than servants or, perhaps, audience members for a one man show he was constantly performing.
While the other young men seemed to lap up this performance, like children who idolized their father, at certain moments, her fiancé looked more than a bit uncomfortable. Even glancing apologetically at her as though trying to make silent amends for his boss’ behavior.
If she had known Mr. Jacobs slightly better, she might have told him exactly what she thought of his employer. She might have e
ven confided in him what she believed Mr. Miles was doing.
Dinner had made her even more suspicious of Mr. Miles motives in helping Mattathias secure his farm. In fact, she had a distinct feeling that he was stalling deliberately.
But, she did not know Mr. Jacobs well. And, she would have to know him a good deal better before she brought these accusations to bear.
So, when dinner was finished and, lantern in hand, Mr. Jacobs escorted her back to her room, she brought up his relationship with Mr. Miles in a more roundabout way.
“How did you come to be in Mr. Miles employment?” she asked. “I know very few young men who choose to settle so far north. Most make their way to California in search of gold.”
“That is what we planned at first,” Mr. Jacobs admitted with a sad sigh. “When we left Massachusetts, we meant to travel all the way to the Pacific.”
“We?” Bernadette asked curiously.
She glanced over to Mattathias whose face clouded over, his lips pursed. He looked down at his feet as though steeling himself to talk about something he would rather not.
“My brother,” he said finally. “Will. He and I set out together.”
“But, he’s not here with you,” Bernadette said gently. She believed she knew the story behind his sad expression. Still, if she was to marry this man, she wanted to hear him tell it.
“He died,” Mattathias said. “Caught a case of Malaria on the trail near here. We brought him into town, but there was nothing they could do. They buried him here. Didn’t seem right for me to carry on without him.”
“I’m sorry,” Bernadette said softly. She glanced over to see Mattathias still looking down to the ground, lips pursed. In the dim light of the lantern, he nodded in acknowledgment.
They walked along in silence for several more minutes. Their pace nearly as slow as a funeral march. And, in a way, Bernadette supposed that it was.
“I’m sorry about your husband too,” Mr. Jacobs said finally.
At the mention of Frank, even in such a roundabout manner, Bernadette felt her eyes fill with tears. She looked at Mattathias, trying to give him a smile, trying to shrug it off. Even so, she felt two tears fall onto her cheeks.
“A lot of young husbands were lost in the war,” she said. “My case is hardly unique.”
“That doesn’t make it any easier,” Mr. Jacobs said. “My brother was hardly the first to die on the journey west. Doesn’t make me miss him any less. He was the one who wanted to start a farm, you know? He had this idyllic picture in his head. The two of us running a nice little farm together with our families. Something to pass on to our kids when we had them.”
“My husband and I had made plans for a farm as well,” Bernadette confided. “Somewhere out of the city. A place with fresh air and room to grow. Some place our children could grow up.”
At the mention of children, she looked down realizing that she had absently put a hand on her stomach still hidden beneath her skirts. Taking it away hastily and looking to Mr. Jacobs, she prayed he hadn’t seen the gesture.
Luckily, he was still looking down at the ground, his pale face half illuminated by the lantern’s light.
“Well,” he said a hint of amusement in his voice. “If it’s room and fresh air you’re after, there’s plenty of that out here.”
Bernadette gave him a small smile when he looked up from the ground. When he returned it, she felt that familiar flip in her chest.
Of course, that was followed by more than a small sense of guilt.
She knew she should tell him about the baby. It was unlikely that he would send her away now. And, besides, he had not been exactly truthful with her about his farm. Shouldn’t she admit that she had not told him the whole truth about her circumstances either?
As she was contemplating this, they arrived at the door to her room. As soon as they did, she realized just how exhausted she was. She looked up at Mattathias and he at her. Those blue eyes met hers, and all thoughts of saying anything to him about children or secrets flew from her mind.
After all, she told herself, she did not have the energy for such a discussion tonight. Best to wait until morning.
“Well,” she said after a moments silence. “Thank you for the escort, Mr. Jacobs.”
The pink tinge came back into his cheeks, and he gave her another small smile.
“Mr. Jacobs was my father,” he said. “You can call me Matt. Everyone else does.”
“All right then,” she said feeling her cheeks grow warm as well. “I suppose it is fitting that fiancés should know one another by their Christian names. You may call me Bernadette.”
He nodded and looked at her awkwardly for a moment as though not sure what to say.
“Well…good night then, Bernadette.”
He swallowed hard before reaching out and taking her hand in his. Gently, his blue eyes never leaving hers, he moved her hand up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on her knuckles.
This was very different from the cool, showy kiss she’d received from Mr. Miles. Matt kept his eyes on Bernadette’s so that the warmth of his lips filled her entire body, almost to its core.
When he released her hand a moment later, a surge of disappointment filled her. She instantly missed the warm touch of his lips on her hand.
With a nod and a tip of his hat, he bid her good night once more and started off down the path.
As Bernadette watched him go, she began to think that this foray into the West had not been such a mistake after all.
Of course, she would have to tell Matt about her condition eventually. She could not hide it much longer, after all. But, that night, the moment had not been right.
She would tell him in the morning.
Yes, the morning was soon enough.
Chapter 5
The next day, it seemed, was not the right moment either. Nor the next.
Bernadette realized she had plenty of opportunities to speak to Matt alone. Every night, he saw her back to her room after dinner. And, each morning, he appeared to escort her to breakfast.
They took numerous walks together around the ranch. He showed her his favorite spot for thinking, the places where the cattle grazed. On the second day of her stay, he even took the wagon and drove her into town so that she could see the church where they were to be married in six days’ time. That was when she was again introduced to the town pastor.
“I am surprised to see you two have met,” Matt said when the pastor greeted Bernadette by name as they entered the church.
“The pastor was gracious enough to introduce himself when I first arrived,” Bernadette explained.
“And I have been wondering when I might see the two of you together,” Mr. Rhodes said. “Now that I have, I must say you make quite the handsome couple.”
Bernadette looked at Matt out of the corner of her eye before looking down at the floor, heat filling her cheeks.
“I thought Bernadette might like to see the church,” Matt said. “This seemed like as good a time as any.”
“Well, here it is,” Mr. Rhodes said with a small chuckle as he gestured inside. “Not much to see.”
Bernadette had to admit silently that there was some truth to this. There were several small pews leading up to a sparse altar decorated with one, lone wooden cross on the back wall. All the same…
“It is just as a church should be, I believe,” she said. “After all, the people in attendance make up the true character of a church. No fancy decorations can replicate that.”
The pastor laughed again.
“You seem to have chosen a very wise bride,” Mr. Rhodes said. “I believe she will fit well in our little town.”
Matt smiled, but it faded soon after. He glanced between Bernadette and Pastor Rhodes as though he was about to ask something and he was not sure whether he should.
“I also wondered,” Matt said hesitantly. “If we might see the churchyard as well.”
The pastor’s good-natured grin faded. He now looked
at Matt with a gentle, sympathetic gaze.
“Of course,” he said. “I knew you would want to show your fiancé where your brother has been buried.”
The pastor led them through a small set of wooden doors to a tiny cemetery behind the church. With a small bow, Pastor Rhodes bid farewell and left them alone with a simple wooden marker bearing the name of Matt’s brother.
“I thought about burying him by the roadside,” he said. “But, I promised Ma I would give him a Christian burial. She’d never forgive me if I didn’t.”
“I imagine it would seem lonely if he were buried on some secluded road,” Bernadette said, looking at the wooden headstone bearing the name ‘William David Jacobs.’
“Will wouldn’t have minded,” Matt said. “He was never one for crowds. He liked solitude.”
“He would have gotten along well with my husband,” Bernadette said. “Frank hated crowds. That is why he was so desperate to leave the city.”
“At least you know he’d be happy to hear you got out,” Matt said. He turned to her with an understanding look in his gaze which she reflected back to him.
“The truth is,” Matt said after a moment’s silence. “William is the reason I came back to the church in the first place.”
“How so?” Bernadette asked.
“Well…neither of us took our faith very seriously when we set out,” Matt said. “I’m sad to say that William died not understanding the truth about what lay beyond this world. But, when I set out to bury him, I met Pastor Rhodes. He talked to me a bit about what a Christian burial really means. About what it means for a Christian to live beyond death. And I…I suppose I began to feel as though I’d been away from God for too long.”
Bernadette was not sure what to say to that. She felt a sudden urge to tell Matt about Frank, the Bible hidden away in her drawer at the ranch. About how she had prayed for the first time in years after his death.
But, these small revelations came too close to her revealing the secret she held in her stomach. She needed to keep that a little longer. So, giving him a small smile that she hoped was sympathetic, she remained silent.