Perfect.
Too soon, he slowed down. Too soon, his lips pulled away, brushing hers twice more. She felt the loss when he moved back half a step, still holding on to her hand. She opened her eyes to find his were still closed, and he was breathing hard. His eyelids slowly fluttered open, and when their eyes locked, his widened and a thousand emotions flitted through them.
She inhaled, trying to catch the breath he’d all but stolen from her, from the whole room, but he dropped her hand and looked away.
“I… I gotta go.”
Before she could say anything at all, he’d run out of her house. She heard his door slam shut exactly five seconds later, while she stood against the wall, her heart thumping wildly in her chest, and her mind a messy jumble of thoughts.
Chapter Twenty
“Whoa! Who pissed you off, little brother?” Kean walked into the barn, interrupting Adam’s musings about the night before and what an ass he’d been. Perfect timing, since his brain was seconds away from self-combustion. “Haven’t seen you taking it out on wood this way in a while. What happened?”
Adam slammed the hammer hard on the handle of the chisel, chipping off a big flake of wood. “I’m not in the mood, Kean. Leave me alone.”
“You might be the cop in the family, but I’m the one who excels at interrogations. Always got you and Kyle to talk in record time.”
Kean closed the door behind him and leaned against the wooden cupboard at the side, his legs crossed at the ankles and his hands tucked in the front pockets of his jeans.
“Bad day at work? Or Sophie giving you grief?”
“Kean, please, can’t you just leave me alone? This was supposed to be my sanctuary,” Adam said, waving the chisel in the air.
Kean laughed. “I think you’ve been hanging out too much with Lauren, man. Your sanctuary?”
Adam didn’t look up from the log he’d been attacking for the last hour, supposedly to create a toy. As a matter of fact, he was just using it to let out his frustration, but as long as the final result was something resembling a toy he could give one of the kids at the family shelter outside town, nobody would care how the thing had been created.
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” He slammed the hammer hard on the handle of the chisel. Another chunk of wood broke off the log, and he felt just a tiny bit of his… anger, guilt or whatever the feeling squeezing his chest was, fade.
“’Course you don’t. That’s why you’re taking it out on a poor, innocent log of wood that can’t defend itself,” Kean said and pushed himself off the cupboard. “But knowing you like I do, I know something’s up, and you need to talk about it with someone. And since I’m already here, you might as well take advantage.”
Adam looked up from the work table to Kean. The playful expression was gone, and a frown now marred his forehead.
“Fine,” Adam grumbled, dropping the chisel and hammer on the table. He scrubbed his hands across his face and let out a long sigh, staring at the wood shavings on the floor. “I kissed Ellie.”
“And that should piss you off because…”
He rolled his eyes. “Because I liked it, okay? I mean, I knew it wasn’t Hannah I was kissing, it felt different and new, and… even though I knew it wasn’t Hannah, I didn’t want to stop, and I…” He let out another long sigh, resting his hands on the work table. “I felt guilty.”
Kean cleared his throat and took a step toward the table, mirroring Adam’s position so that he was facing his brother. He didn’t say a word, just waited him out the way he always did when they were younger. Kean had always been the one who’d listened to Adam rambling and venting, but he’d never pushed for details, and that was what Adam loved about his older brother. He was always willing to listen, but only if Adam wanted to talk.
“If it had been a meaningless kiss, something purely physical, in a scratch-an-itch kind of way, I wouldn’t feel so bad. But it was more than that.” Adam shook his head, leaning all his weight on his hands. The mahogany table creaked. “I really like Ellie. She’s an amazing woman, she’s smart and beautiful, and Sophie adores her. She makes me laugh, and when I see her with Sophie, it makes me long for a future. With her.”
“And you feel guilty because you think Hannah wouldn’t want you to be happy again?” Kean’s tone wasn’t accusatory or disbelieving. It was very matter-of-fact, as if he’d understood what was in Adam’s heart.
“Minutes before she died, she made me promise I’d love again, that I’d give Sophie a real family,” Adam said, his eyes veiling with tears at the memory of that long-ago day. “But even as I said the words, I knew I’d never keep that promise. I’d never fall in love again.”
“But you have.” Again, Kean was very matter-of-fact. There was no judgment in his voice, only understanding.
“I think so. When I’m with Ellie I feel… I feel alive again. She makes me happy. Only a few weeks ago I told her I’d never want another woman in my life, that we should only be friends because I couldn’t give her more than that. And last night I went and kissed her. And not just a peck. An honest to God kiss that left us both breathless.” A shiver ran down his spine at the memory of what her lips had felt like on his, of how her body had gone limp in his arms, molding against his own as if it had been made for him.
“What did she say about that? I mean, first you tell her you’re only friends and then you kiss the hell out of her. Not exactly what I call coherent.”
Adam tapped the toe of his sneaker against the leg of the work table, stalling. Should he tell his brother what an ass he’d been? Kean would probably give him grief for the rest of his days, and into the next life too, but since he’d already given him enough material for teasing him until the day he died, he might as well get it all out.
“Um… I apologized and ran away.”
Kean, who’d just taken a sip from Adam’s beer bottle that sat untouched on the table, spluttered and coughed until his face turned bright red.
“You ran away?” he asked, his brown eyes so wide they nearly popped out of their sockets. “You mean figuratively, right?”
Adam shook his head. “No, I mean I literally ran away and back into my house.”
“And here I was thinking that you, being the only married brother, would be the one to know how to treat a woman right.” Kean laughed, placing the Guinness back on the table. “You don’t kiss a girl and then run away. It’s against the rules of dating and won’t earn you any points with the ladies. Just no, no, no, Adam. Shame on you.”
In spite of the embarrassment he was feeling, Adam smiled at the silly tone in Kean’s voice. His brother was right. But after all, he’d been with Hannah ever since he could remember. He hadn’t even had to try too hard to impress her, since they’d turned from friends to lovers almost naturally. Maybe he was just a little out of practice, but seeing it through his brother’s eyes, he realized he’d really acted like an idiot.
“So instead of groveling and asking the woman you’re in love with for forgiveness, you’re here carving wood and brooding. That’s real adult behavior, brother dearest.”
“You know carving wood relaxes me,” Adam said, a little annoyed at his brother’s patronizing tone. Okay, he’d been a fool, but surely Kean could cut him some slack. “Besides, I promised Gramps I’d help him finish the toys for the kids in time for Christmas.”
“Hey, what you and Gramps are doing for those kids is admirable, but you could be doing this any other time. Christmas is more than a month away.”
“Well, time flies, and I can only help Gramps on the weekends.”
Kean nudged Adam’s shoulder with his, but Adam kept his eyes trained on the piece of wood that he’d decided to turn into the hull of a toy sailboat. When he didn’t react, Kean patted his shoulder.
“I can understand where you’re coming from, bro, but it’s time you let love into your life again. Not everyone is lucky enough to find love twice.”
“I can’t… I shouldn’t…” Adam shoo
k his head and picked up the hammer, his fingers tightening around the wooden handle.
“You can’t be a grieving widower for the rest of your life. Nobody expects you to. Not our family, not Jenna—not even Hannah.”
“But I’m not even sure how I feel about Ellie. I mean, sure, she’s great with Sophie, but that’s partly due to her job. And she’s a friendly neighbor, and a good cook, but… what if it doesn’t work? What if we don’t get along?” He shook his head again, scratching his cheek. “I don’t want Sophie to get attached to her and then get disappointed when things go south.”
“If things go south,” Kean corrected him. He grabbed the chisel off the table and twisted it in his hand. “And I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but from what little I’ve seen, Sophie’s already attached to her, and you’re pretty knee-deep yourself.”
Adam didn’t have to look at his brother to know he was smirking. He could hear it in his voice—and it drove him crazy. Not because his brother was getting a kick out of teasing him, but because he was right: it was already too late to pull back without any consequences for Sophie or him. Ellie had become a fixture in their lives; he couldn’t imagine his everyday routine without her in it. Which pretty much cleared his doubts about how he felt about her—and added another layer of guilt to the already tall pile that had been settling on his heart over the past three years and kept growing taller, it seemed.
“I’m not inside your mind, so I can’t tell for sure how strong your feelings for her are, nor can I foresee how things will go if you give her a chance. But I know one thing.” Kean placed the chisel back on the table and stared at him. “I haven’t seen you this happy since before Hannah died, and if Ellie’s the one doing this to you, I’ll grovel on your behalf to ask for her forgiveness, to beg her to give you another chance.”
Adam laughed. Kean was right: it’d been so long since he felt so carefree and happy to just be young and alive. Ever since Hannah died and he came home, he’d done his best to hide his feelings, to be a responsible, no-nonsense father to his little girl, and somewhere along the way he’d forgotten how to live. He wasn’t even thirty, but most of the time over the past three years he’d felt like an old grouch waiting for his dying day. Being around Ellie had made him want to live again, to experience all the good things life could offer and give Sophie a family—a normal family with a mom, a dad, a dog, and maybe even siblings.
Spending time with Sophie and Sammy had made him realize that he still wanted the big family he’d grown up in, he still wanted three to five kids, a house by the beach, a dog, and a loving wife. So far he only had the house and the dog, but he could still have the whole package—even if Hannah couldn’t be part of it. He’d never even considered fulfilling the rest of his life plan until Ellie had entered the picture. Now he couldn’t imagine anyone else in his vision but the sweet teacher with the earnest green eyes and the cutest headbands.
He smiled. He was already knee-deep; Kean’s intuition was dead on.
“So, who’s gonna do the groveling: you or me?” Kean reached for the bottle of Guinness and took a swig.
Adam exhaled loudly. “Fine, you win. I’ll talk to her tomorrow after work.”
“Why wait?”
“Because,” Adam huffed and reached for the chisel. “I have to work on these toys with Gramps. He’ll be here after his nap, and I’m already behind schedule.”
“Suit yourself. If these toys are more important than your love life, who am I to judge you?” Kean took one last swig and put the bottle back on the table, just as their grandfather walked in. “Hi, Gramps. Sleep well?”
Kean grinned when the old man scoffed.
“One day you’ll be eighty, too, and you’ll remember this conversation, wishing you hadn’t been such a smart arse.”
Even after being in the US for nearly sixty years, Eamon Cavanagh still had a thick Irish accent, something he’d always been proud of.
Kean raised his palms and laughed. “Okay, I’ll leave you and your apprentice to your sculpting. I’ll go see if Sophie wants to spend some time with her favorite uncle.”
“Get out of here, you big head.” Adam tossed a small, square chunk of wood at him. Kean dodged it, and his laughter faded as he walked away. Adam couldn’t help smiling. Ellie had given him back the happy moments with his brother, too.
Yes, he’d be groveling all right. It was the least he could do.
* * *
“Hey, hi. Uh… Do you have a minute?”
Ellie was surprised to see Adam standing on her doorstep, still in his tan uniform, looking a bit uneasy. This was the first time she’d seen him since Saturday night. She knew he’d spent Sunday at his parents’ place, as she’d learned he did every week for his mother’s Sunday lunch, and she hadn’t seen him at school that morning, since she’d been in the playroom with Sammy when he brought Sophie in. After the way he’d run away the other night, she thought he’d never even speak to her again.
She looked past him, expecting to see Sophie tagging along, but he was alone.
“She’s at my parents’ place. I needed to talk you. Alone,” he said, reading her mind.
She nodded and took a step aside, opening the door wider to invite him in.
He stepped by her, and she closed the door, leaning against it for support. He’d been in her house more than once over the past few weeks, but this time it felt different. Her knees went weak at the memory of Saturday night, of how he’d pressed her against that same door, and the wooden surface had been the only thing keeping her upright. That, and his warm, hard body molding to hers.
He stood staring at her, and from the way his eyes went dark, she was positive he’d been thinking about the very same thing right then. Her eyes flicked briefly to his mouth, to the tip of his tongue darting out to wet his upper lip, and to the way he chewed his bottom lip immediately afterward.
Those lips that had teased her two nights ago, warming her from the top of her head down to her toes.
Good grief, he’s gorgeous.
The very first minute she met him, she’d thought he was beautiful, but the more she’d gotten to know him, the more perfect he became. He wasn’t only a nice face on an equally nice body; he was the complete package, the perfect fairy-tale prince she’d dreamed of as a child.
He tucked his hands in the back pockets of his pants, making his shirt strain a little against his chest. The top two buttons were undone, revealing a white undershirt and just a hint of dark chest hair. For a brief moment, she imagined unbuttoning that shirt and running her hand over his taut muscles. She blinked the image away and cleared her throat.
“So, you… um… you wanted to talk?” she asked, feeling the need to fill the overwhelming silence that was heating up with each passing second. She wanted to loop her arms around his neck, press herself against him and feel his lips on hers again. But, from the way he’d fled on Saturday night, that wouldn’t be a smooth move.
“Yeah, about the other night…” He cleared his throat and rocked on the heels of his boots, leaning against the console table right behind him. The ceramic base of the lamp clinked on the marble top, and he righted himself, taking half a step forward. Closer to her. Too close for her own peace of mind. “I’m sorry I ran away like that. You must’ve thought I was a jackass.”
She opened her mouth to say she hadn’t, that she’d understood it was something that shouldn’t have happened, but he raised one hand in front of her.
“Please, let me finish. I need to get this off my chest, ’cause it’s been eating at me for two days, now.” He grimaced and scratched his scruffy cheek. Her body tingled at the memory of his stubble prickling her chin when he’d kissed her.
“What I did was stupid. The running away part, not the kiss,” he clarified, probably noticing her wince. He inhaled deeply and looked up at the ceiling, then closed his eyes and scrubbed a hand across his face. “Man, this is so hard.”
“Let’s go sit in the kitchen. I’ll get you somethi
ng to drink. Are you hungry?” she asked, suddenly needing to keep herself busy. She was pretty sure she wasn’t going to like this conversation, and she couldn’t trust her legs not to give in if he said he didn’t want to see her anymore.
“No, thanks. I can’t stay long. My parents are expecting me for dinner, so I can’t be late. I just… The truth is, I was scared. I’ve only ever kissed one girl in my whole life, there’s always been only Hannah. I thought kissing another woman would feel awkward, but kissing you was…” He cleared his throat again. “Well, wow. It was unlike any other kiss. And then I felt guilty, because I knew it wasn’t Hannah who was kissing me back, but even so I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to stop kissing you because… because it was perfect. And the feeling of rightness freaked me out, ’cause I thought I’d never get to feel so at ease with another woman who wasn’t Hannah.” He took a step closer to her, and Ellie resisted the urge to step back. “Forget what I said about us being friends; I think you’ll agree with me that what we’ve got going on crossed over the line of friendship long ago, especially after that kiss.”
Her stomach twisted into a thick knot. Kissing Adam had been a mistake, and she’d thought he’d come to say exactly that. When he’d run away on Saturday,she’d texted Charli with a non-committal “Need to talk” message. Two minutes later, her phone had signaled an incoming call from her friend, and she’d welcomed the chance to finally let it all out and tell Charli the truth about her feelings for Adam.
She’d felt guilty for crossing the line, but after her chat with Charli, she realized her friend was right on one thing: he wasn’t a married man, and even though he was the father of one of the kids in her class, they wouldn’t be cheating on anyone. Even so, the thought Dee might discover the real reason why Ellie had left San Francisco and question her professionalism gave her the creeps. She couldn’t risk losing everything again, not to mention losing her heart to a man who’d always be in love with his wife, even though he said he could move on. She’d witnessed the impossibility of getting over your true love, and how quickly grief could turn into a tidal wave and pull you under, together with whomever happened to be by your side.
No End to Love Page 19