i was uninvited. seems all i do now is talk about you
12/25/2013 21: 59
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
I feel guilty, Gakino. I hate feeling guilty.
12/25/2013 21: 00
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Why are you telling me this?
12/25/2013 21: 00
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Sorry. Guess i started drinking by myself
12/25/2013 22: 02
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Was this Shun’s idea? I’m really starting to dislike that guy.
12/25/2013 21: 04
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
No, it was Sano's idea he thought i should go home and call you.
12/25/2013 22: 06
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
When was this?
12/25/2013 21: 08
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
About 2 hours ago
12/25/2013 22: 09
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
And why didn’t you call me?
12/25/2013 21: 10
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
was afraid u wouldn’t answer
12/25/2013 22: 11
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
So you waited and then texted me?
12/25/2013 21: 12
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
I could call you now.
12/25/2013 22: 13
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?
12/25/2013 21: 17
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Yes. Yes, I think anything to do with you is a good idea.
12/25/2013 22: 18
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
I don’t want to make this hard for you Gakino. If it hurts you to text me, maybe you shouldn’t.
12/25/2013 21: 20
__________
She waited for ten minutes. And then fifteen. She didn’t want her reticence to make things harder for Gakino. His life was exhausting and stressful, and if she brought only more worry, it was probably in his best interest to stop contact. But the truth was that she still wanted to hear from him. Panic that she couldn’t stem finally motivated another message.
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
I didn’t mean that you couldn’t text me, Gakino. If you want to text me, then I want you to, too.
12/25/2013 21: 36
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Gakino?
12/25/2013 21: 37
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
I’m ok, Eloise. I’ll text you soon. Sorry about tonight.
12/25/2013 22: 40
__________
From: Cassandra Medeiros < [email protected] >
To: Eloise Bromleigh < [email protected] >
Subject: ur life
Hey, you remember that time we got in trouble at school…That time when Beth accidentally set fire to our Home Ec teacher. Remember how you kept Bethany from getting suspended?
You explained to the principal that Bethany never should have been in that class in the first place because she didn’t want to take it. She wanted to take wood shop. She kept insisting she already knew all the stuff on the syllabus. But they made her take Home Ec because she was a girl. And then you told them that it was sexual discrimination and that if they suspended her, you would call the Civil Liberties Union.
Who else could have done that at 14? I thought Beth was going to shit a brick.
And when it was all over, the only thing you worried about was Beth—about how bad she’d feel if she’d really hurt anyone. Do you remember that?
You’re special, Eloise.
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh < [email protected] >
To: Cassandra Medeiros < [email protected] >
RE: ur life
Not you, too.
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
I miss you. Sometimes at night, I kiss your picture.
12/27/2013 21: 20
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Are you serious?
12/27/2013 20: 21
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Maybe.
12/27/2013 21: 22
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Yes.
12/27/2013 21: 22
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Gakino, that is so embarrassing.
12/27/2013 20: 23
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
You don’t have to be embarrassed.
12/27/2013 21: 24
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
I meant for you.
12/27/2013 20: 25
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Why?
12/27/2013 21: 25
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Because…who kisses a picture except a besotted 13-year old girl?
12/27/2013 20: 26
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
I wouldn’t have to kiss a picture if you’d come visit.
12/27/2013 21: 30
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Or let me visit you.
12/27/2013 21: 30
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
Ha! Very cute.
12/27/2013 20: 31
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Eloise, I’m serious. I think we should see each other.
; 12/27/2013 21: 33
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
A trip? … even after what happened the last time? Gakino, we’re not even talking on the phone again. You’re asking to go from texts to a trip?
12/27/2013 20: 34
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Yes, I’m asking.
12/27/2013 21: 34
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
I’m not saying no. But that’s not a yes, either. I don’t know…
12/27/2013 2: 35
__________
From: Gakino Yoh <81-3-5330-5250>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
I’m going back home this weekend to visit my folks. It’s my mother’s birthday. I’ll be out of Tokyo for about a week. When I get back, we need to talk. Pick up the phone and really talk and set a time to see each other. If you can’t come here, I want to come to Taiwan. We can’t go on like this much longer. I know I can’t. The last thing I want to do is pressure you, but if we can’t get beyond this now, when will we? I’m leaving my phone behind. And I won’t be checking it after I send this text. I guess I don’t want to see it yet. If you send a message telling me we can’t get beyond this, I don’t want to know. Not yet. So I’ll just hear from you until after my mom’s birthday. Bad news should wait its turn, right? I love you, Eloise.
12/27/2013 21: 41
__________
From: Osei Sano <81-3-7984-2486>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
Eloise, we should talk. I’ve attached an e-plane ticket and an address with a map. I’ll be there in two days at 1pm. I would like to meet you there.
12/27/2013 23: 07
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Osei Sano <81-3-7984-2486>
Is everything okay?
12/27/2013 22: 08
__________
From: Osei Sano <81-3-7984-2486>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
You tell me. Is everything ok?
12/27/2013 23: 08
__________
From: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
To: Osei Sano <81-3-7984-2486>
I don’t know if I can come.
12/27/2013 22: 09
__________
From: Osei Sano <81-3-7984-2486>
To: Eloise Bromleigh <886-4-2539-5011>
I’ll be there at that time on that day. I hope to see you.
12/27/2013 23: 10
__________
To: Eloise Bromleigh < [email protected] >
From: Maia Green < [email protected] >
Subject: Hey Miss Oblivious
You keep insisting that you want to live a normal life, but you just want to live a small one, Eloise. Look, you don't have to go on national TV and declare your love for the guy--although he’s basically done that for you--but if you keep running away your going to end up with no one. I know you’re sitting there thinking, so? But you gotta know that's bullshit now, don't you? You gotta take a risk sometime. If you don’t, you’re gong to be miserable. No matter how much you insist you won't be.
__________
Grabbing her helmet, Eloise locked the door to her apartment and jogged down the steps. It was a long trip to 85, but sometimes you needed sea salt lattes and squid ink buns at 2 am. She’d been meaning to go there this time of night, just to see what kind of people ended up at a 24-hour coffee shop.
Maia wasn't always right about everything. She was wrong about how Eloise would eventually feel about Gakino. She had to be. But in the short term, she couldn’t be more right. Tonight, Eloise didn't want to be alone. Her skin was crawling and her house felt haunted. And ever since she'd read Gakino’s message, she’d been in a state of near panic, her heart pounding. Even though he’d promised not to contact her, she’d hoped he had every time she got a new message. Her phone went off, and each time she picked it up, hoping she’d read something innocuous, something that brought them back to where they’d been before, back to being friends. Instead, there’d been Sano. And then Maia.
If she drove fast enough, maybe she’d get past the voices in her head. Maybe she’d feel free. She was trying to outrun her ghosts, but all her speed only brought more silence. And the silence wasn’t helping. She took a ragged breath, but her chest tightened until a sob broke through. And she was crying, and her heart was twisting, and her lungs couldn't get enough air. She wept loudly with no one to see her, passing through deserted streets. She was glad to be outside where her empty home couldn't bear witness. But the longer she drove, the more tears came. Her loud weeping was finally spent, her body too exhausted to continue, but the stream of silent and steady tears wouldn't end. She couldn’t pull into the tea shop like this, and yet she couldn't return home. She couldn’t. And she wouldn’t meet Sano in two days time. She probably wouldn’t answer Gakino’s email either—at least more than sending him a pathetic I’m sorry.
Gakino was right about one thing though. They needed to put this behind them. He said he couldn’t take it anymore, and tonight was proof that she couldn't either. This had to be resolved somehow. End it. Or move forward. But she couldn't bring herself to close the door, and opening it entirely was out of the question.
You are the most ungrateful. The most undeserving girl. So he cheated. So he lied. Can you blame him? Look at the disaster you always prove to be. Her father’s words the last time they’d talked haunted her. He’d warned that every relationship she’d ever have would end like this, and he’d been right. The little girl whose best friends were her books hadn’t changed much. Her parents. The Senator and Anne. Her lovers. Her friends. All gone. All angry with her or disappointed.
It was true that she had kept some friends close. Bethany. Sassy. Maia. But how badly could you mess things up through email?
She was sure—as sure as she could be—that Gakino would never hurt her like her father and certainly not like that cretin. He wouldn’t cheat. And he wouldn’t lie about anything that he thought would truly hurt her. But none of that guaranteed they would last. She regretted that she couldn't tell him how happy he’d made her, how well loved she'd felt. She wanted him to know that she’d tried to do this. Really tried.
But how could she tell him when he wouldn't believe her? She couldn’t. Not when she said it while walking away.
She laughed bitterly, the sound catching on the wind. All her life she'd been looking for someone--just one person--who couldn’t live without her. And if she believed Gakino, she had.
But it hadn't made her happy.
Because, as it it turned out, the one person who loved her was someone she couldn't live without. And that kind of need...she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t.
She shook her head. All of this was nonsense. There wasn't anyone or anything you couldn’t live without. There wouldn't be this gaping hole in her life when Gakino left. There would just be a place he no longer filled. If she waited long enough, she’d accept that he wasn’t for her. Eventually, her heart would change so much that she wouldn't even miss him. And there would be a day where she didn't regret letting him go. And a day when she would be happy for them both. A time when thinking about him with someone else didn’t make breathing difficult. They’d end this, somehow, and she’d get back to work. And, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Gakino Yoh was not her axis. She could live without him. More than that, she would be happy without him. Completely happy. All of the insanity of the past year and a half would be behind her, and she’d simply move on.
God, she wanted to believe that was true. But she suspected is wasn’t . . .
What was she going to do?
CHAPTER 20
Looking down at th
e map and address clenched in her fists, she checked the streets and signs around her. She should almost be there.
She kept moving, nervous, unwilling to stop when stopping meant thinking about what she was doing here and if she was doing the right thing and if Sano would yell at her or understand or help her. And did she want his help anyway? Wasn’t this roundabout and just a wee bit cowardly, and didn’t Gakino deserve a little bit better? And couldn’t she just do a little more? And what if this was a total wash? Or, what if he told her something she couldn’t bear to hear?
She shook her head, trying to unmoor the thoughts that landed there and send them sailing away, back into her subconscious. She focused on the rhythmic click clack click of her heels hitting the pavement. That’s right. She had worn a pair of low heels to meet Sano. You dressed up for a dance with destiny didn’t you?
As she had stared at her phone and the message from Sano, she’d gone back and forth about whether or not she’d come. Oddly enough, her first instinct had been to come and hear what Sano had to say. Then the fear had set in. The questions she’d been asking all morning as she prepared to meet Sano were the same questions that had flooded into her mind almost immediately after her initial reaction. Back and forth she’d gone until she’d found herself staring at the parrot Gakino had gotten for her.
The parrot had never made it out of her house. He’d found his way back to her bedroom. She couldn’t get rid of that parrot. He’d become a part of her room. And just like that she’d realized that she didn't want to be Gakino’s parrot. She didn’t want the chance to be discarded or tossed out, so she’d protected herself by discarding Gakino first. She’d tossed Gakino as far from her as she possibly could. It had been in the middle of her stare-down with the parrot that she’d realized the truth. As simple as it seemed, Eloise had realized through the eyes of a stuffed parrot that Gakino had never been her father and never would be. A man who gave you a stuffed parrot as a symbol of his love didn’t want to impress anybody. She’d shaken her head, then, and the rest of it had come rushing in.
The first fight they’d had, the first big fight after he’d given her his ‘I Love You’ eggs had always been about her, not him. He was honest. To a fault. He wasn’t a liar like her father. He wasn’t even a liar like her first boyfriend. Gakino’s ‘I Love You’ hadn’t come from the mouth or the lit candles of an immature, horny teenage boy. And she wasn’t a young girl desperate for love and affection anymore. Yet, she’d pushed him away, again and again. She’d been terrified she’d give him more than she should. She’d been terrified she’d be that sad dressed up doll watching the camera’s flash in her face and the men she’d wanted to love dismiss her as anything worth value.
How to Date Japanese Idols (The Tenshi Series) Page 27