The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  Generally, the only reason most television talk shows have BDSM subjects is to attack them. Don’t watch them live with your spouse. First, tape them and consider how effective each would be as a recruiting tool. Casually slip the good ones into your evening viewing.

  Always keep it light and move slowly and patiently. There is a, probably apocryphal, story in the scene about a man who greeted his wife while dressed completely in leather, wearing a leather mask and carrying a bullwhip. While she stood there in shock, he proclaimed, “You are now my slave. I am your master. Your only thought is to please me.”She recovered from her shock, place kicked his balls up to about his neck and went back to cooking dinner.

  As I said, slowly and carefully.

  Bringing out the dominance in your spouse

  A submissive approaching a vanilla spouse for domination faces a somewhat less complex, but more confusing, situation.

  Right now, some of you are probably thinking, “This is a book for dominants. Why is this here?” The answer is simple. Submissives may buy this book to give their vanilla lovers. Why cheat them of an opportunity for happiness? – Besides, including them is a way for me to boost my royalties.

  First, I’ll speak to the novice submissive. Before you approach your significant other you need to narrow things down to specifics in your own mind. It isn’t enough to admit to a desire to be dominated. What one person calls hot play can be either lukewarm tapioca or unthinking brutality to another.

  Look into your own fantasies and decide where you really want to start. The two of you will be beginning a journey of exploration and having a firm starting point will make things easier later on. You need to decide what your absolute turn-offs are.

  One danger in broaching this subject is that you may initially agree to do some things that you really don’t feel comfortable with or absolutely turn you off. If you backtrack later, this can be confusing to your partner, who may take it as a rejection or betrayal. You are probably both quite insecure right now. Consistency is the best course for the beginner. However, there is nothing wrong with admitting some things both attract and frighten you and telling your partner that you might like to try these later. It is also OK to find that you really don’t like something. That is what safewords are for.

  Give this section to your lover and ask him or her to read it if you think it’s appropriate.

  You’re probably a bit confused at this point. Someone you thought you knew pretty well has admitted to a passion you may not even have suspected. But, think about it; you have been given a profound compliment. A lot of trust has gone into making this disclosure.

  First, let me explain what your lover is taking about is not really that abnormal. I’ve written this book to help you. I’d like you to look the whole thing over later, but right now, you’re going to need a little guidance as to what your lover meant. Fiction and the media have probably given you a very distorted idea of what it means to be a dominant or a submissive. First, and most important, it means sharing love and trust. You’ve already got that or your lover wouldn’t have put this book in your hands.

  Your life isn’t going be turned upside down. You won’t have to don leather garments or carry a bullwhip, but you can if you want to. Your lover won’t be showing up at the PTA wearing nothing but chains and handcuffs. All that is going to happen is that the two of you will embark on a sensual dance, begin playing an erotic game that thousands enjoy every day.

  You aren’t going to be called on to be brutal or insensitive. On the contrary, you will discover that playing the dominant role will multiply your present sensitivity to your partner many times over. At the same time, it will allow you to experience sensual pleasures that you may not have dreamed of.

  Your lover will not become weak or passive. Think about the strength and courage it has taken for him or her to admit to having these feelings. That strength and courage isn’t going to disappear. In fact, by joining with him or her in this game, you will be adding to that strength and nurturing a level of confidence you haven’t seen before.

  For the moment, the best thing is for the two of you to talk it over. To a large extent, BDSM is communication. Your lover has fantasies he or she wants you to enter. You need to hear these fantasies for yourself to make up your mind.

  In the previous chapter you can find some techniques for exploring fantasies near the end of the First Scene chapter. You may want to use these somewhat erotic techniques or just sit down with your lover and talk. The only important things to do are to recognize how stressful this is for both of you and to not make any judgments while the two of you are talking.

  Afterwards, take what you have learned, and using your imagination, turn it into something that the two of you can act out. It need not be anywhere near as complex as the fantasies you have heard. You aren’t DeNiro, and you don’t need a cast of thousands. Look at the basics. Is there bondage? Stimulation with a whip or other instrument? Fantasy characters? Humiliation? You don’t need to try them all at once. Break out one or two major ingredients and create something you can do. The rest of this book is just chock full of ideas.

  Some individuals instinctively have the ability to do an amazing alchemy and turn what most people would call pain into pleasure. Others can learn to do this. Still, others, as much as they may desire to do it, cannot make the change. For example, if the fantasy includes whipping or spanking, start slowly, give five or ten relatively gentle strokes of the whip and then pause for reassurance; include a lot of feedback, including go words as well as safewords.

  One novice couple came to me with a fantasy in which she was captured by a pirate and whipped on her breasts. We developed a scenario in which he demanded that she perform fellatio. By staying in her role as a well-brought-up young lady, she, of course, refused. He, then, whipped her breasts, stopping every few strokes to renew his demand. By refusing haughtily, she signaled him that all was well and she was enjoying what was going on. When the intensity of the sensation approached her limits, she “submitted” to his demands.

  With men, the fantasy often revolves around humiliation. This is a delicate road to tread for both of you. Some people cannot engage in humiliation without feeling considerable discomfort even when they recognize that it is based in fantasy and play. It can result in a negative image of the person being humiliated, in a negative self image on the part of the humiliator, or the other way around.

  Remember, too, that BDSM is based on consensuality. This goes in both directions. If you are not happy, or at least at peace with what you are being asked to do, sit down and discuss your feelings. It is just as wrong for someone to make you, as a dominant, do something you do not wish to do as it would be for you to force an unwilling submissive to do something.

  However, if everything works, you will be amazed at the new dimensions that are opened up for both of you. BDSM doesn’t replace vanilla sex; it simply adds new vistas of which most people are not even aware.

  Suggested Reading

  When Someone You Love Is Kinky, Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press

  The First Scene

  So you’ve done what once seemed impossible: found a submissive who’s eager to play with you. It’s now up to you to put together a scene that accommodates both of your fantasies and desires, but steers clear of anything that’s beyond the physical or emotional limits of this particular partner — or, for that matter, beyond your physical or emotional limits.

  In order to build this scene you’re going to have to do some talking. These initial discussions should be quite detailed, but they can also be a mini-scene in their own right. The conversation can be played as a job interview with a young person attempting to get a well-paying job with a dominating, powerful person of the opposite sex, a medical examination, a Catholic-type confession before a priest or mother-superior, or a respondent to a Kinsey-type sex survey. Some sample questions are in the appendix which contains a questionnaire Sir Spencer uses when interviewing new sub
missives.

  You need to go over the submissive’s medical history. Important facts are:

  Old injuries, particularly broken bones and tendons (for example, a person whose Achilles tendon has been surgically reattached is not a good candidate for many kinds of inverted suspension)

  Diabetes (a diabetic can pass out unexpectedly and is much more prone to long-lasting bruises)

  Contact lenses (these can dislodge during blindfolding; in any case, the dominant should have a supply of artificial tears in case something gets in the submissive’s eye)

  Asthma (gags are definitely a no-no and you should keep the medication handy)

  High blood-pressure or heart problems (obvious)

  Allergies (for example, some people get severe skin reactions to alcohol; this would eliminate both Fire on Skin and basic sterilization techniques or latex which would call for gloves and condoms of another material)

  Glaucoma (this does not go well with inverted suspension)

  Orgasmic syncope (people with this condition pass out during orgasm; it is frightening but not dangerous)

  Skin sensitivity (some people have skin that is exceptionally sensitive to cutting and bruising)

  Tendency to muscle cramps or old sprains or strains (for example, a person with a history of charley- horses shouldn’t be forced to stand on tiptoe or put in extreme positions)

  Back problems (this would call for care in requiring high heels and the elimination of any hog-ties or arched-back positions)

  Tendency to bladder infections (women with this problem have to be very careful about cleanliness in the area of the urethra)

  Hemorrhoids (this obviously would put a limit on playing with the ass)

  Any psychological problems (a person with claustrophobia is not going to react well to hooding or mummification)

  You should also ask the submissive about what his or her turn-ons and turn-offs are, as well as what he or she sees as frightening. However, something that a submissive admits to being scared of is not automatically banished from your repertoire; actually, it may turn out to be a major turn-on for that submissive. The sensation of fear is one of the major driving forces of the scene. Helping a submissive ride that crest of fear is one of the strongest highs for a dominant.

  If you wish, you can ask about the submissive’s pain tolerance, but, except with highly experienced submissives, I have found such responses to be unreliable. One woman who described herself as a “big sissy” gloried in fifteen to twenty strokes of the cane, something well beyond the tolerance of most submissives. A muscular man who told a female dominant, “I can take anything a woman can dish out,” was screaming his safeword before she ran out of her first baggie of clothespins.

  This initial conversation is a good place to assign a safeword or words or allow the submissive to choose them. For a detailed discussion of the types and levels of safewords, check the consent chapter. Here, I will only say again that it is absolutely necessary to have at least one safeword so the submissive can stop the scene before it gets too intense. The submissive using a safeword is not an insult to your abilities. It is simply a recognition that Murphy’s Law exists in BDSM as well as everywhere else. Things can go wrong.

  At this point, you should also discuss any limits on activities, including sexual. It does not have to be detailed. It can be as simple as, “I will not have sex with you, and you may not come without my permission,” or, “I feel free to use you sexually in any way that strikes my fancy as long as I use safe sex techniques,” or if you wish, you can go deeply into precisely what can and cannot be done.

  Some novice submissives tend to go in one of two diametrically opposed directions. Some declare, usually with a dreamy look in their eyes, “I have no limits.” Others have a long and complex list of “Things I’ll never do.”

  For the ones with a long list, I recommend a gentle smile. Usually, I suggest writing down the list, sealing it in an envelope and leaving it with me. A year or so down the line, we can get together, open the envelope and have a good laugh. This does not mean that limits are meaningless or you can feel assured that any specific limit will pass away, but just that people tend to grow and change in a new environment. Usually, such lists change beyond recognition as a person becomes more aware of the sensual opportunities and also learns about new things that cause him or her to shudder.

  If one or more of the items on the list are things that the dominant really wants to do, you need to talk a bit more. Because the scene has yet to produce a Webster and his dictionary, what you mean by a word may be quite different than what your potential partner means. For example, “whipping” to you may mean a sensually writhing submissive and a deer-hide flogger, but to her it may mean white-hot agony and blood splattered walls. However, sometimes it’s a case of you both meaning the same thing, but one with zeal and the other with antipathy. If the other aspects of the potential relationship are not enough for you to put this particular activity on the back burner, then it may be a sign this partner is not the right fit.

  There is no shame in this. The scene is a complex maze of pathways and few people walk exactly the same one. Sometimes, it’s just a case of both sets of needs and desires being so far apart that a link is not possible. One major reason for careful communication is that it’s better to find this out sooner rather than later.

  As for the “no limits” submissive, this really isn’t all that bad a situation as long as you keep a sense of reality and a sense of humor. What he or she is really saying is “I want my dominant to have the same set of limits as I have.” Now, this is a laudable goal, but for that to happen, he or she is really going to have to think about what the shared limits really are.

  Usually, I find a gleeful expression and an exclamation of, “Great, I’ve been looking for someone who would let me cut off some fingers,” goes a long way to injecting reality into the conversation.

  While you are gathering information about limits and desires, keep in mind that this is an opportunity for the submissive to look over an unfamiliar dominant. For the submissive’s peace of mind, you should be careful to maintain a dignified and professional demeanor.

  You can either ask about the submissive’s fantasies or try a more sensual, voluptuous approach I enjoy. The basic idea of it is taken from Sigmund Freud. He recognized that people can be extremely sensitive to body language and other subliminal clues when they are talking about highly personal matters. Freud suggested that the doctor sit out of sight of the patient during the session to minimize the cues that might make it difficult for the patient to be open. My method modifies Freud’s technique for my own, erotic purposes.

  If your submissive is comfortable with being nude, have him or her undress and sit in a comfortable chair. If not, have him or her change into loose, comfortable garments before sitting down. Comfort is important because you don’t want any distractions. Stand behind the submissive or put your chair behind theirs. The important thing is to be outside of the line of sight. Reach around the chair and gently run your hands over her breasts and neck or his chest and balls. Do not play hard enough to give more than a slight turn on. The imagination, not your hands, should be the primary stimulant.

  An alternative is to have him or her put on a blindfold and lie on a bed. You can, if you wish, use light bondage techniques from the other chapters. Since there should not be any struggling, there is little need to worry about binding or nerve damage. The ropes, scarves or whatever should be tied loosely and used primarily for psychological effect. The idea is to stimulate fantasy, not do a full-fledged scene.

  If possible, put on some soft, relaxing music. Everything should be designed to promote relaxation and flights of fancy without giving any clues as to what “appropriate” responses should be.

  In a low, gentle voice say something like, “Just relax, my darling. Close your eyes. Feel sexy. Be aware of being turned on. Let your imagination run wild. Don’t try to guide it or keep from thinking about anything no matte
r how erotic. Nothing you say now is real. It is all fantasy. Just let me ride through your subconscious with you. There are no rules, no taboos. Tell me what you are thinking and dreaming about.”

  For the first ten minutes to a half hour, you will usually get conventional sex fantasies. As these begin to wane, there may be a bit of resistance. After all, you are getting into a very, very personal space. Don’t be insistent, but just continue as you have been. “You are so exciting, my dear. Tell me more. Let’s continue to explore. You are turning me on so much. Share your fire with me.”

  Never, under any circumstances, show the slightest sign of shock or disapproval. Even a gasp or an “oh my!” can destroy the entire atmosphere. Listen and learn.

  Whatever technique you use, you need to explore the submissive’s fantasies. While you are not bound to follow any script, this information will allow you to create scenes that can excite and please both of you.

  Making a Scene Sing

  Defining a scene is about as easy as defining a love affair. Some people like scenes that are very casual, while others prefer formality and a specific set of signals to determine the beginning and the end of a scene which is played in a specific time and place. The majority do both as the spirit strikes them.

  However, for the purposes of this section, I’m going to explore the possibilities of formal, pre-arranged, relatively lengthy scenes. It is the most complex kind of scene, so you can feel free to pick and choose from my suggestions when planning your activities. Feel free to add your own twists and kinks.