The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  Suspension is a lot more difficult to do well and safely than most people realize. Many of the desired effects can be obtained by other, safer approaches, such as standing bondage or tight spread-eagled bondage. However, if you and your submissive feel that suspension is what you want, do it carefully and sensibly.

  Waxing

  Candles cast such a lovely glow across the bedroom or dungeon. Their gentle light hides and reveals. Their flickering flames draw the eye like little magnets. In the scene, candles can also perform another function: waxing. At first, it may sound horrifying, dripping hot candle wax on bare skin. I assure you it will sound horrifying to a novice submissive.

  However, properly applied candle wax can be no more stimulating than a brisk spanking and considerably less so than whipping. The secrets are choosing the right candles and letting the wax cool by letting it fall a distance before it hits the skin.

  Most novices attempting their first waxing are likely to go out and buy expensive candles. After all, they think, this is a special occasion so it calls for special candles. Unfortunately, these are may well be the wrong candles to use. Expensive candles are often made from beeswax. This is because it is easier to mold into exotic shapes and burns for a long time.

  Unfortunately, the reason a beeswax candle lasts for a long time is that it has a melting point considerably higher than the cheaper paraffin. The stimulation caused by melted beeswax striking the skin is very likely to exceed a submissive’s ability to transmute it into pleasure. This, in turn, can lead to a truncated session and general unhappiness all around.

  Scene people consider the best candles to begin with are generally the cheapest: the ugly white votive candles sold for chafing dishes and such, or standard Jewish Sabbath candles.

  However, Professor Spectrum, a kinky chemist, has done extensive research on waxing using scientific apparatus rather than simply relying on anecdotal evidence, and he found that the many of the “facts” we had believed were not necessarily true.

  Modern candles are made up of such a complex mixture of waxes, dyes and plasticizers that it’s almost impossible just to judge the melting point from the label.

  This is why I recommend that you test the temperature of any candle before using it on a submissive by letting it drip onto the skin on the underside of your forearm.

  Another of Professor Spectrum’s discoveries is that, in reality, the height from which the wax is dripped has little impact on how hot it is when it arrives.

  In my first waxing session with a submissive, I prefer to have her firmly tied down. This is because the stimulation provided by the hot wax can inspire considerable thrashing around. However, once she is familiar with it, I can generally forgo bonds unless they are needed for psychological reasons.

  Generally, I begin dripping the wax on a less sensitive part of the body like the shoulders, slowly working southward as I feel her going into that transcendental state. I, also, keep a bowl of ice cubes handy. They come in handy for chilling down a bit of wax that was too hot, and they are handy for some erotic techniques I’ll describe later.

  Dripping can be done in several ways. The candle can be held horizontal and rotated by the fingers so that the top is melted evenly and the drips are fairly regular. To speed up the dripping, you can lower the lit end so the flame is flowing over the wax. This delivers the hottest wax because it is coming directly from the flame area. To get better control of the timing of the drips, you can tip the candle, drop a bit of wax and then return it to an upright position until you want to drop a bit more wax. This also delivers cooler wax because it has spent some time in the bowl at the top of the candle away from direct contact with the flame.

  Splashing is more shocking. You allow a pool of wax to build up in the candle and then dash it on the submissive’s body. Because of the unexpectedness of the action and because the larger quantity of wax holds heat better, this is much more stimulating. Another way to splash is to use a brandy warmer, one of those little gadgets that holds a brandy glass above a small alcohol lamp. (Personally, I cannot imagine a better way to ruin the bouquet of a fine brandy by overheating, but it does lend itself to waxing.)

  Simply take some wax; the flakes you remove from your submissive at the end of a session are fine. (Recycling can be fun.) Put the wax in a brandy glass and let it sit over the flame until the wax is melted. You can then slowly dribble the melted wax or dash the contents all at once. You should test the temperature of the wax with a finger before using it; the alcohol flame can raise the temperature of the wax considerably above the melting point. Also, a pool of wax will not cool anywhere near as fast as single drops. If it does not run off as a thin sheet, spread it around with your fingers or use an ice cube (more on that soon) to cool it down.

  If one candle is good, aren’t more better? I wonder how many antique candelabra are sold for purposes that the dealer couldn’t even guess? This is particularly effective with different colored candles in each cup. Some dominants like to spin the candelabrum so the wax literally flies off the candles. Of course, this makes a major-league mess and often results in the dominant getting as completely waxed as the submissive. But it is spectacular.

  With a little common sense, the entire body is an appropriate target. Obviously, open sores, eyes and vulnerable places like that are off limits, but more than one man has watched in pleasurable horror as his mistress has converted his cock to create a surreal wax sculpture.

  Colored candles can burn hotter and can contain dyes that can irritate a submissive’s skin. For this reason, I do not use them during an initiation to waxing. Normally, I’ll add a few drips of each color in my “paint box” to the next session. Later, I carefully examine where each of the drops landed. All by itself, this examination can be fun. If there is any redness or irritation, the color which caused it is off limits in future sessions.

  Colored candles also allow the artist in the dominant to come forth. It is possible to produce very attractive designs using your submissive as a canvas. One of M’s greatest pleasures was to parade around The Vault or Fetish Factor clad primarily in different colors of wax.

  Avoid dripless candles. They contain chemicals that are very likely to irritate skin and the outer layer that makes the candle “drip-less” has a much higher melting point than the wax that makes up the rest of the candle, so you can’t really be sure of how hot each droplet is.

  BDSM is a study in contrasts. This is nowhere more true than in a waxing scene. There is no reason why you have to limit yourself to hot wax. You can drop by the kitchen for a refreshing drink and pick up a glassful of ice cubes while you are there.

  There are a host of ways to combine fire and ice. The simplest is to alternate touches, nipple cold, neck hot, stomach cold, armpit hot. Particularly if the submissive is blindfolded, it is amusing to randomly vary the kinds of stimulation. It keeps the submissive guessing.

  Another approach is to use both on the same spot. For example, a section of skin can be chilled for a few seconds with an ice cube, and then the skin can receive a splash of hot wax. After a while, your submissive may be surprised to discover that he or she can no longer distinguish between hot and cold.

  Most waxing is done with the submissive horizontal. That affords the maximum of available targets and the easiest application. However, sometimes this may not be possible or aesthetic. A vertical body calls for some variations in technique.

  First, and most obviously, you must use or create horizontal surfaces on which to drip the wax. Some are natural, breasts and cocks come immediately to mind, but don’t forget feet and shoulders. If a male has allowed himself to become so out of shape as to develop a potbelly, this is an obvious time to make him regret his lack of exercise. The head can be bent forward or back to put the neck in an appropriate position for waxing, and legs and arms can be brought out to the horizontal.

  One danger should be noted here. You should keep a close eye on what is above your candle flame. I was present when a car
eless mistress badly burned a submissive’s stomach while she was waxing his cock. True, his protruding stomach was most unattractive, but the injury was unintentional, an indefensible error for a dominant.

  Vertical bodies are also appropriate for the splashing technique noted earlier. However, you should exercise care that the forward, toward the submissive, motion is as smooth as possible. Jerking when you begin your toss is likely to splash wax on you or to waste it on the floor. The jerk should come as the candle stops its forward motions to that the liquid wax is projected toward the submissive with skill and accuracy.

  There are many ways to remove wax. One way to remove much of the wax is simply to allow the submissive to wear it. M, the first submissive with whom I tried the brandy glass trick, greatly enjoyed being paraded around wearing cooled wax. Of course, this option may mean that flakes of wax will be turning up in the most unlikely places for the next millennium. At home, that’s your call. At a party in someone else’s house, it can lead to your not being invited back.

  Of course, the submissive can be set to removing his or her wax, but I feel this is declining an opportunity for me to get in a bit of additional provocative stimulation. It can, however, be visually amusing, particularly when the submissive is forced to remove significant amounts of body hair along with the wax.

  While it is superfluous when the submissive is removing the wax, the wax should be allowed to cool completely before the dominant begins to remove it. This makes removal easier. If you are in a rush to cool the wax, a glassful of ice water works nicely. Ear plugs are recommended against the resulting scream.

  You can, of course, pick the wax off with your fingers. This method is particularly alluring when done by a female dominant with long, attractive fingernails. Other dominants attempt to whip off the flakes of wax off the submissive’s skin. My preference is for a large, sharp knife. (For personal protection, I generally eschew large knives for serious play where the skin might be broken. After all, vital organs are rarely more than two inches away from an opponent’s skin. However, the scene puts image above practicality.) Watching a submissive’s widened eyes following the shiny steel sliding over her breast and caressing her nipple, while the flakes of wax are removed, can be a most delightful experience.

  There are a three pre-waxing exercises that can make wax removal much easier. The most erotic of the three is to use massage oil on the skin before waxing. It greatly increases the flakiness even when there is noticeable body hair. The existing layer of oil allows the hardened wax to be much more easily lifted off, and spreading the warm oil all over the submissive’s body can be a sensual experience for both of you.

  Another approach is shaving. Most people have fine hairs over most of the body, not to mention the not-so-fine collection at several of the most logical targets for waxing. When these hairs are trapped by the cooling wax, it becomes quite difficult and time consuming to remove the result.

  Another approach that makes wax removal a snap is using plastic wrap. Ordinary kitchen plastic wrap or the industrial strength product conduct heat and cold quite efficiently and provides a surface which the wax will not cling to. Prior to waxing, you can elect to mummify the submissive, or you can simply put the plastic firmly over the sections to be waxed.

  In most cases, the plastic wrap goes on quite tightly and sticks very well. Unfortunately, this is not true in the case of the genitalia. Both cocks and balls and pussies are so irregular and, often, so hairy that the plastic wrap is cannot find a smooth surface on which to stick.

  This problem can be remedied by taping both ends of the plastic. Some people use masking tape. I have found the clear plastic tape sold in hardware and stationary stores for sealing boxes is better. Because it comes in three-inch wide rolls, there is plenty of adhesive surface to distribute between the plastic wrap and the skin. It also bonds quite effectively to skin.

  You can have the submissive lie on his or her back, attach one end of the plastic wrap to the stomach, then have the submissive roll over and pull the plastic tight and attach the other end to the back. Not only will the heat or cold be transmitted directly to the submissive’s skin through the tightly drawn plastic wrap. The sight of the “shrink wrapped meat” is an appropriate topic for light banter.

  Wax removal consists of simply removing the plastic wrap. The wax comes right off with it.

  Suggested Reading

  Toybag Guide to Hot Wax and Temperature Play, Spectrum, Greenery Press

  Fire on skin (fireplay)

  A more spectacular, and a bit more dangerous, activity akin to waxing is putting fire itself directly onto the submissive’s body. Both ethyl and isopropyl alcohol will work, but do not use methyl alcohol because it is quite poisonous. I used to prefer ethyl alcohol, but it can be hard to find and expensive. Also, diluting it to the right concentration is time consuming and distracting. Now, I generally use 70% isopropyl, right off the drugstore shelf.

  Before doing any fireplay, clear the area of anything flammable. This includes but is not limited to pillows, drapes and your own and your partner’s hair. Many female dominants (and some males) who have long hair carefully pull back their hair and secure it with an elastic before beginning any fireplay.

  Anytime fireplay is brought up, someone will suggest a fire extinguisher. While this isn’t a bad idea, having only a fire extinguisher can be. The reason is that fire extinguishers are inherently messy. Unless the situation is clearly out of control, most people will hesitate to use one, particularly if a naked body is in the immediate vicinity. My intermediate solution is to have a damp towel in reserve. It can handle most small fires without the drama of the conventional fire extinguisher.

  To learn how to do apply alcohol to a body, take an applicator (I use a Q-tip with a cardboard, not a plastic, stem for testing) and rub a bit of the alcohol mixture on your arm. After all, we use submissives for play, but we test techniques on ourselves. Dip the Q-tip again and light it; then, touch it to the wet spot on your arm. As it begins to burn, run your other hand along your arm, sweeping the fire away.

  The reason you can do this is that alcohol doesn’t burn, but alcohol vapor burns. Thus, the flame is a short distance above the skin. Sweeping pushes the flame away from the vapor concentration so it goes out. If you wait until all the alcohol vapor has burned off, the flame may have gotten close enough to the skin to cause a burn.

  During a scene, I use a riding crop with a relatively narrow slap-per as an applicator. I wet the slapper and place a bit of mixture on the submissive. Then I use the wet slapper as a torch to ignite it. If the fire burns for more than a second or two, I put it out with my own hand. Letting it burn for too long can lead to a first- or second-degree burn. Be careful not to use an applicator that soaks up too much alcohol. At one party, a lovely submissive begged me to do a fire scene with her. I didn’t have my equipment, but there was a drugstore near. For the applicator, I got a package of cotton balls and attached them to a bamboo stick. I didn’t realize how much of the alcohol the applicator had soaked up until I touched off what I thought was a small smear. Almost her whole chest burst into flame. It took several rapid waves to extinguish. She, and the audience, thought it was a spectacular start to the scene, but I was covered in cold sweat.

  This technique works best in a relatively darkened room so the pale flames stand out. Although the intensity of the stimulation from the burning mixture is slightly less than would be received from a close waxing, the psychological effect the submissive feels watching his or her own skin flickering with a bluish flame is quite intense.

  When I set up for this scene, I try to avoid areas with strong drafts from fans or air conditioners. These either blow out the flame prematurely or cause it to burn in unexpected directions.

  Obviously, you shouldn’t put the alcohol on mucus membranes or on the face. Also, some activities can make areas super sensitive. Once, after a spanking, I went to do a little fireplay on Libby’s ass. No sooner than I had touched her with t
he applicator, she safeworded. She thought I had ignited it and let it burn, but it was simply the effect of putting alcohol on skin that had been a bit abraded.

  Also, as with candles, you should be careful that the flame does not burn anywhere where there is something above it. For example, do not allow it to run under a breast where the flame will be burning upward against the skin. The vapor barrier works only when it is below the active flame.

  As I’ve noted before, if you get careless about making up the mixture or using the technique, you can cause a first- degree burn. This is where a bowl of ice cubes like those used in waxing scenes comes in handy. First aid for minor burns is covered in the first aid section.

  One effect of the flaming-skin technique is that it will effectively burn off body hair because hairs stick up into the active flame area. Because I have a sensitive nose, I avoid areas where much hair will be cremated, but I know some, particularly female dominants, who use this odor as an effective intimidation tool. Of course, this technique can be used to remove body hair before a waxing session.

  Suggested Reading

  Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play, David Walker & Robert J. Rubel, Power Exchange Books

  Humiliation

  Nowhere is the difference between the psychologies of male and female submissives so markedly different as on the subject of humiliation. While any generalization is suspect, and I am scarcely an expert on all submissives, the gender differences I have observed are much too consistent to ignore.

  The majority of male submissives seem to crave some degree of humiliation as part of their servitude. Sometimes, this craving is for extremely intense humiliation. The vast majority of female submissives, even those who seek out intense physical stimulation, seem turned off by humiliation. This, of course, does not mean that all women reject humiliation as part of a scene. I have met a few whose cravings are as fully intense as those of any man. However, this is an activity which a male dominant should approach with caution.