by Carrie Stone
Felicity pointed to a description of humus and crudités. “Let’s get two of those, some olives and a green side salad.” She replaced the menu in its holder without consulting Zara and motioned impatiently to the waiter walking towards them.
“So, come on tell me the latest then” Zara said, enthused by the uptightness she sensed around Felicity - a sure fire way to tell that something had rocked her orgnanised and controlled world.
Felicity let out a long, painful sigh and sank back against the cool leather seat, crossing her legs. Zara was the only one who understood her and didn’t judge her. But how could she even begin to try and explain her feelings this time?
“It’s Dan the gardener. I came back from my work trip in Amsterdam to find him living at mine. Really, Zara, it was awful - the place looked like it had been ransacked. Guess who gave him my spare set of keys? Glenda!”
Zara chuckled, replacing her orange juice carefully on the table. Even after years of hearing Felicity call her own mother by her Christian name, it still amused her. Glenda was a warm, loving and helpful woman. Felicity didn’t realise how lucky she was; if anything, Zara had begun to suspect that Felicity’s heart was becoming more closed and icier as the years passed.
“It’s not a laughing matter, Zara.” Felicity rebuked sternly, folding her arms across her chest in annoyance.
Zara looked more closely at her friend. Felicity had once been such a fun loving and positive person. It pained her to see the tense, almost soulless, overworked woman that she had become. It surely didn’t help that she hadn’t had a committed relationship in the last five years; every man who showed her interest she was quick to pick fault with and dismiss.
“Oh lighten up, Felicity. Your mum only gave him the keys because he was stuck for somewhere to live for a few days.” Zara looked at her hands, aware she had slipped up.
“Wait a moment, how do you know about it? Have you been speaking with Glenda?”
Zara sighed, meeting Felicity’s eyes. “I asked your mum to babysit for me on Friday night. Our regular girl let us down and Steve had booked us cinema tickets, so it was all a bit last minute. Glenda mentioned it before I left. She was so happy for you, Felicity. She’s totally smitten with Dan, says he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
Felicity sat upright in her chair, eyes blazing with anger. “Goodness Zara, you could have at least messaged or called me to let me know what she was up to. I can’t believe you knew about this.” She shook her head in disbelief. “And we both know that there’s no me and Dan. He’s my gardener; it’s as simple as that.”
Zara bit down on her lip. She was fully aware of the physical relationship that had been going on between Dan and Felicity and she hadn’t failed to notice how Felicity’s face lit up every time she recounted their moments together. She had hoped, along with Glenda, that Dan being stuck for somewhere to live would be the perfect ice-breaker to encourage him into Felicity’s life. Glenda’s plan had evidently fallen flat on its face.
“Look Fee, I’m not saying what she did was right or wrong, but what I do think is that you’ve indirectly helped out a good friend in his time of need. So stop getting stressed about it. And he’s gone now, hasn’t he. So what’s the problem?”
Felicity huffed slightly, rubbing a non-existent mark from her wine glass. That was the problem, she wanted to say. The problem was that she’d chucked away the one good thing she had going on within her life. Even though he was a hopeless case for a long term prospect, he was someone she had felt a connection with for the first time in years. Why, then, did he have to be a gardener? Why couldn’t he be a lawyer or doctor? At least then, she’d have been able to have given him a chance.
“I think you should call Dan.” Zara said suddenly, as if reading Felicity’s thoughts. “Tell him you were caught off guard finding him at yours and you hope he’s found somewhere. At least then you’ve not left things on awkward footing.”
Felicity pondered on Zara’s advice. It was true enough that Dan wasn’t reliable in making contact at the best of times and now that she’d evicted him quite harshly from her home, it was unlikely he’d feel comfortable getting in touch. But really, what was the point of encouraging something that had no future anyway? It was probably best this way. At least she was free again to meet someone more on her level. She would miss the sex, but a woman could get sex anywhere. It wasn’t the be all and end all. She could cope without Dan.
“No, I’m not going to do that. What’s done is done and like I said, there wasn’t anything between us other than sex. So it’s done me a favour really as that couldn’t go on forever. And he hasn’t been doing the garden properly anyway.”
Zara knew that wasn’t strictly true. Felicity was more than happy with Dan’s work. She shrugged her shoulders and picked at the carrot crudités that the waiter had set down in front of them. It wasn’t quite the hamburger she had hoped for, but it was food and the baby needed feeding.
“Steve and I were talking over names last night. We´ve got two options if it’s a boy and narrowed it down to three names if it’s a girl” she said changing the subject.
“Please don’t tell me you’re still hooked on the name Paris for a boy?” Felicity asked with distaste.
“No.” Zara replied shaking her head. “Steve said he doesn’t like the French and so he won’t be naming his baby after them. It’s between either Rory or Layton now.”
Felicity almost cringed at the naivety of the comment. Steve, a self-taught builder, had never been as far as the port of Dover, let alone France. How he could judge an entire nation of people without knowing or visiting them was beyond comprehension. She let the comment slip by her, not wanting to have to give opinions on the suggested names. She was sure that Zara would be offended if she heard her thoughts.
Zara picked up her bag and rummaged through its contents, picking out a crumpled magazine page and passing it to Felicity.
“Have a look at this, tell me what you think. Do you like the colours? We were thinking that it would be nice to do this nursery a bit differently. You know; jazz it up a bit” Zara said, watching as Felicity eyed the article in front of her.
“Zara, it’s awful. You cannot paint a baby’s room in jungle colours, and those stick on plastic animal things are tacky”, Felicity said turning up her nose. Zara’s small semi-detached house was already awash with clashing bright colours and clutter. To think of painting a nursery in cheap, murky green and brown tones would be the icing on the cake. An idea struck Felicity and she looked up with a smile.
“What?” Zara questioned hesitantly. “You’ve just rubbished my idea and now you’re smiling at me like a Cheshire cat?”
“Let me hire you an interior designer for the nursery, as my gift to the baby. It wouldn’t have to be their ideas; it would be your ideas but their creation. What do you think?” Felicity asked excitedly.
Zara smiled, carefully choosing her words as she responded. “Wow Fee, that’s such a lovely gesture. I couldn’t expect that of you though - it’s far too much. Plus the baby will be toddling before long and then it will no doubt be ruined with crayons and dirt.”
Zara tried to keep her voice light-hearted as she chuckled at her own comment. She didn’t want to hurt Felicity’s feelings, but the thought of watching her shell out fortunes for someone to decorate a nursery, when Zara could barely afford to buy the children their favourite sweets, wasn’t something she could justify. She knew that Fee was only trying to help, but frankly, half a dozen packs of nappies as a gift would have been more beneficial to her.
“So you don’t want it then, is what you’re trying to say?” Felicity asked, a trace of hurt in her tone.
“Please don’t be disappointed Fee - I just don’t want you wasting money on things that aren’t of value. How about you come and help me to paint the nursery instead? You can choose the colour with me?” Zara suggested, knowing full well that Felicity would prefer to jump off a cliff that lift a paintbrush.<
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Watching Fee´s despondent shrug, she sighed and reached out her arm to hug her friend’s waist. She didn’t like turning her down, especially when she knew her friend’s intentions were good hearted. But someone had to rein in Felicity’s destructive behaviour. It had been going on for far too long.
Chapter Three
Glenda carefully pressed the hot iron against the delicate silky fabric. She wondered how a task so simple could make her feel fraught with nerves. Yet it wasn’t any pile of ironing she was working her way through; it was Felicity’s. That meant a whole different approach.
The iron sputtered brown water onto the blue fabric, leaving a dirty trail. “Oh dearie me” Glenda huffed, trying cautiously to rub the mark from the blouse with her finger. The stain refused to budge. Taking the blouse she threw it back into the washing basket in Fee’s store cupboard. It would have to be washed again. Besides, she’d done enough ironing for one day, she still had the windows to polish.
Busying herself with tidying away the ironing board, she stopped short suddenly, hearing the creaking of the cottage gate hinges.
“Whoever could that be?” Glenda asked aloud to herself, walking across to the hallway window to peer out.
Glenda watched with fascination as Felicity’s blonde hair glittered in the sunshine whilst she tottered in ridiculously high heels down the pathway towards the street door.
Why was her daughter home so early? Had something awful happened at work? She opened the door as Felicity unzipped her handbag in order to retrieve her keys.
“Hello, love, you’re home early” Glenda’s concern spilled out of her as she looked worriedly into Felicity’s face. “Everything ok?”
Felicity rolled her eyes. She’d completely forgotten that her mother was going to be doing her cleaning round. Much to her disappointment it seemed that Glenda was even more anxious than usual.
“Hi, Glenda” she said with a tight smile, pushing past her mother and walking into her home. She immediately noticed that Dan’s disarray had been eradicated and her immaculate standards were once again installed. Her mother had certainly been busy - every surface gleamed.
“Place looks nice, back to its former glory” she said approvingly. Glenda hovered behind her, waiting to take her coat to hang it up.
“Yes, well, I thought I had better make up for my mistake of giving Dan the keys” she said carefully, avoiding her daughters eyes.
Glenda had been more than upset at Felicity’s reaction to her decision to help out Dan. She didn’t understand why her daughter couldn’t be the least bit compassionate towards him. He was such a lovely person and clearly had feelings towards her. Fee hadn’t been brought up with bad manners. She’d always been one to help out others in times of need as a child. When had her giving and beautiful daughter become so cold and distant?
Felicity shrugged off her coat into her mother’s arms and set down her bag. “Look Glenda, I’d prefer not to go over things again. Dan is a nice man, but he’s not for me and you should know that by now. Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I’m home so early; Maurice is out of the office and I met Zara for lunch, so I thought I might as well work from home for the rest of the day.” Felicity tried to keep her tone even but her mother’s anxiety and nervous disposition never failed to irritate her.
Glenda let out a breath of relief. At least Felicity’s work situation was ok. She couldn’t imagine what would happen if her daughter’s career was ever in jeopardy. Fee lived and breathed Maurice and the company. It wasn’t natural, in Glenda’s opinion, to be so wrapped up in a job. But Fee had accomplished so much through her hard work; she could even afford to have organic produce! Glenda would have to work three times over to afford such luxury. It just saddened her deeply that such a strong young woman wouldn’t entertain the idea of a long term relationship. Ever since James, Fee’s attitude towards men had changed. Glenda had long given up hope of her only offspring giving her a grandchild. It just wasn’t to be.
“So how’s things with Zara?” she asked following Felicity through to the kitchen.
Felicity opened the fridge, taking out a half-full bottle of wine. “She’s gained so much weight with this baby. I’m surprised, I would have thought she’d lose weight with the extra stress of a fourth child on the way and Steve being his usual useless self.”
Glenda frowned; Fee was always so bitter towards Steve and she couldn’t understand why. He was a hardworking father figure and he adored Zara. Both she and the kids were his life. He’d never had a bad word to say about Felicity and yet Fee couldn’t bring herself to ever be complimentary towards him. Glenda knew better than to jump to Steve’s defence. Felicity wasn’t one to back down and she didn’t want any more fallings out. She was already taking four different types of pills for her anxiety. The last thing she needed was another panic attack; Felicity knew nothing of her worsening nervous state and she wanted to keep it that way.
“Well, I saw her at the weekend and looks to me like she’s carrying more at the front; they do say that means a girl. Although I have a feeling she would like a boy this time” Glenda said tactfully, avoiding Felicity’s comment.
“Hmm, well I guess whatever she has is unlikely to be the last one. Personally I think it should be - they can hardly afford to feed and clothe the three kids they already have, let alone another one. Zara is a silly woman to think more kids is the answer to her woes. It’s ridiculous.” Felicity seated herself at the dining table and looked up, catching her mother’s shocked expression.
“Love, you shouldn’t talk like that” Glenda chastised softly. “Those children are her world. She has been blessed with a lovely little family and her woes are no more than the next person’s. You shouldn’t judge when you haven’t got children yourself.”
Felicity didn’t expect the lump to form in her throat as quickly as it did, nor did she expect her heart to skip a beat so suddenly. James, it was all his fault. His fault for ruining her life. She took a large gulp of her wine, hoping to push away the uncomfortable ball of energy that had wedged itself in her windpipe. She couldn’t let her mother see her cry. She was strong, not a weak emotional wreck. No one ever saw her shed tears, except for Dan. But that had been one time only. She wouldn’t be repeating it again. Especially now, since he wouldn’t be in her life anymore. The lump seemed to double in size as the realisation sank in. She squeezed her eyes closed, hoping to stop the onset of the tears forming behind her eyelids.
“Are you okay, love?” Glenda asked concerned, watching as Felicity sank her head into her hands and covered her eyes.
“I’m fine, just got a sharp migraine all of a sudden. I think I’ll go and have a lie down. I’ve got so much work to do later and you need space to get on and finish what you’ve got to do here” Felicity lied, rapidly getting up from the table and pushing past her mother.
“Right, I see...” Glenda began, eyeing her daughter curiously as she dashed from the room and into the hallway.
What on earth had just happened? It wasn’t often that she heard Felicity complain of illness or headache, not to mention the look of sorrow that had passed briefly across her daughter’s face. But what could she do? Fee had continuously pushed her away in recent years and she didn’t know how to begin to rebuild a strong relationship once again. It was best to leave Fee to it. Give her the space she needed and hope that she’d soon see sense.
Felicity didn’t know how long she’d been lying staring at the ceiling but she heard her mother gently call out goodbye and then close the cottage door behind her. Her head felt heavy with confusion as she slipped on her house shoes and pattered into the hallway, welcoming the silence and aloneness that greeted her. So much for a productive afternoon working from home. She’d spent a listless hour feeling sorry for herself and trying to push away old memories, gently sobbing into a cushion so that her mother wouldn’t hear.
She had been so happy in recent years, working her way up to being Maurice’s sole second-in-command. It had
been so rewarding buying the cottage and renovating it gradually from something old and decrepit into a home worthy of being featured in a magazine. Yet that project had long since finished. Aside from a constant stream of long work days, schmoozing clients and the odd date, her life was pretty empty. The friendship circle that had once played such a big part of her life, had gradually whittled away and now Zara was the only person she had regular contact with. When had she become so isolated? Dan had filled any extra time she had with stolen moments of pleasure. Yet now he was gone, she would be forced once again to make more effort with meeting new potentials.
Sometimes she wondered if she was a paradox of herself; the successful and ambitious men that Maurice regularly introduced her to through work, were at first both appealing and exciting. Yet on nearly all occasions, getting to know them better proved them to be spineless and selfish. They seemed to only be concerned about their own careers and finances, their egos their main driving force. What room did that leave for a relationship? She wasn’t someone who would happily support them in their ventures without having that same need herself. But deep down, she knew these men found her a threat. She was too independent and intelligent. What man wanted a woman he couldn’t control or impress? The alternative though, was to be with someone like Dan. But how could she find it within herself to respect someone who earned half the amount of her monthly wages and was happy with doing something so lowly? He didn’t even own his own property! Not to mention had any intention of expanding his business...
Why then, did she feel she had lost the only good thing within her life?
Felicity knew she needed to make changes, but where to begin was an issue. How did one go about changing their life for the better? More importantly, what did she even want for her future?