“You feel absolutely lovely,” she whispered to him as she ran her fingernails up the back of his neck and into his hair and as quickly patted his hair back into place. “What do you think, sweetheart?”
“That feels unbelievable,” Jake said as he recovered the beat in a rare misstep in their slow musical embrace on the dance floor. He felt equally enthralled about of her use of “sweetheart” as with “lovely.”
They had only been on their second non-date, or whatever it was supposed to be called. He was not sure what was going on and had never experienced anything like it. It was a strange relationship, that was for goddamned sure, but he carelessly fell in love with Annmarie anyway.
After their late-night bacon, eggs, hash browns, and coffee at IHOP, he walked the girls to their car and when Jan got in behind the wheel, he was able to give Annmarie a brief hug and get his first taste of her kiss. It was wonderful, brief, and left him absolutely paralyzed with wanting. It was when he was shifting through the gears of his VW as he slid his way on icy Missoula streets on the way to his apartment he was struck by his first inkling that the person in this relationship who might end up being hurt was probably the one looking at him when he glanced at himself in the rearview mirror.
Annmarie’s face offered a smile when she saw Jake sitting in a booth near the window and she gave a quick wave.
“It’s so nice to see you,” she said, pressing her fingers around the back of his hand. “I hope it isn’t a problem; I know it’s really on short notice.”
“It’s not a problem at all. I’m always happy to see you,” Jake said. He had a coffee cup waiting and filled it as she sat.
“I’m so happy you could meet me for lunch.”
By the time they had eaten their burger and fries and were putting their jackets on, their rendezvous had been planned. She was available that evening after work, and if he liked, she could come visit for a little while. She would be by at six.
“I’m off at five but I need to stop at home to change out of my work clothes. Is that all right, Jake? Will six be okay?”
“Six is perfect. I get off at around that time too and I have a hard time getting out right on the dot,” Jake said. “Customer problems. They are either the first problem of the day to ruin your day or the last of the day which tends to ruin one’s evening. I will get out on time tonight, for sure.”
“That will be wonderful. I’ll see you then.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “Don’t be late, Hon.”
There was not word one about her “special circumstance.” She didn’t bring it up and he assumed she knew that it would be safe for a visit. He sure as heck was not going to broach the subject.
Jake walked back to the store and got back into managing his area until his shift came to an end. He tied up loose ends with the department heads and left the merchandise office and wound his way to the front of the store, purposely avoiding any aisle where there were customers. He exited the front door of Big Richards on the dot of five and when he got to his VW, he let it warm up for only a few minutes. He had to scrape the accumulation of snow off the windshield and now waited for the fog to dissipate from the inside of the window. Before heading for home, there was one stop at the grocery store for some beer and wine and some cheese and crackers and he walked into his apartment at exactly five-thirty.
The temperature outside was near twenty and the apartment was colder than a naked well-digger’s ass, as Roy used to say, so he cranked up the thermostat, put some Willie on the stereo, and jumped in the shower. He splashed on a bit of cologne and put on a comfortable, long-sleeve cotton shirt and jeans.
The wine was still in the bag so he took it out and used his corkscrew to remove the cork on the Merlot. He put the bottle and a couple wine glasses on the coffee table and then went around the apartment lighting several candles. As he went, he gave it a quick dust-over, collected two empty beer bottles from the floor beside the couch, and put them in the trash. He still had ten minutes to wait so he opened a bottle of beer and drank a couple of swigs while he waited.
A thought occurred to him and he sprinted into the bedroom and stripped the bed and replaced the sheets. He was not counting on it, after all, Annmarie was married, but if the occasion arose where his bed came into play, he wanted crisp sheets. She had so far just danced with him. She had kissed him on the neck a few times and he did kiss her lips that time in the parking lot but they had never been in an isolated moment; it was always in a bar or restaurant and there were always a bunch of naturally curious people around. He wasn’t sure what to make of her aggression in suggesting she visit him at his apartment. He sure wasn’t about to raise his right hand in protest. He was ass over teapot in love with Annmarie and any time spent with her was the ultimate experience for him.
Jake went back to the kitchen and took the crackers and cheese out of the grocery sack and assembled a plate of crackers with a ring of sliced cheese around the plate like he had seen on those cooking shows that were starting to turn up, which he abhorred, on day-time television. It was one of the primary reasons he did not own a TV.
Willie began singing, All of Me. The second Jake had placed the goodies on the coffee table, the doorbell rang.
“Hi,” he said as Annmarie surprised him when she walked straight into his arms before he closed the door. She wrapped her arms around his neck, like the lovers do when they are dancing to a slow country song, and put her lips on his and held him there with her body hard-pressed against him.
“I’ve been craving you for weeks,” she said when she surfaced for a breath, then put her lips back on his and pinned him there once more.
“Why did you wait so long?” Jake was a bit out of breath but smiling. “I have been wanting to do that too.” He took her by the hand and led her into the living room. “How about some wine and cheese?”
“That would be lovely.”
He helped her to shed her jacket. He threw it across the back of a stuffed chair and she went around the coffee table and sat on the couch. She reached for a wine glass and held it for Jake to fill.
“Thank you, dear,” she said smiling up at him.
She hadn’t called him dear before and it made him feel warm.
“You’re welcome.” He filled the other glass for himself and sat next to her.
“Help yourself to the snacks. I wasn’t sure what you would like so I got an assortment of crackers and cheese.” He started to get a cracker and realized he hadn’t put out plates nor were there any napkins. He stood and headed to the kitchen.
“Everything is just so romantic, Jake. All of this is very nice, the wine, cheese and crackers, and especially the candles and music. Are you trying to seduce me Jake?”
“Hadn’t crossed my mind. No, that’s a lie, honestly, I’ve been wanting to do that since I met you.” He said walking back from the kitchen with the supply of napkins and two plates. “Here you go.”
Their first glass of wine was gone in a flash. He filled her glass again, then reached for her hand, and pulled her to her feet and they began dancing to one of Willie’s slow songs. They danced several times before sitting back on the couch to refresh themselves.
“Just a sec, Jake, I’m going to make myself a little more comfortable. My shoes keep catching in the carpet.” She bent and pulled one shoe off and then the other.
He removed his also. There go the shoes.
“I’m going to flip the record.” Willie began singing If You’ve Got the Money Honey, I’ve Got the Time. “Care to dance?”
She stood and he took both of her hands and they began to do the swing. He managed avoiding the coffee table, chairs, and couch, deftly maneuvering around each.
“That was wonderful, Jake. Thank you.”
Willie began to sing Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain.
“I love this song. Dance with me Jake,” she said and rose, raised her arms, waiting for him to step into her gentle embrace. She laid her head on his shoulder and let their passion lift them aloft on the
wings of the music.
He released her hand and put both arms around her waist and felt her warm body under the fuzzy sweater next to him. He lowered his hands and slid them up under her sweater. Her back felt warm and smooth and he caressed the muscles on each side of her backbone and slid his hands upward. His hands felt beneath her cotton blouse and caressed her shoulders.
“Mmmmm,” she whispered in his ear and wrapped both her arms around him and began to kiss his neck. “You feel so nice. I just want to put my hands all over your body.”
They continued to dance and embrace and, when the music ended, kept their hold on each other.
She looked up at him and their lips came together and they kissed through the entire song that Willie sang, Remember Me.
She did not object when he slid his hand under her waistband and felt her baby smooth ass. She did not object when he pulled the blouse under her fuzzy soft sweater from her waistband. She did not object when he pulled her fuzzy soft sweater over her head and threw it on the back of the couch. And, she did not object when he unbuttoned her cotton blouse. Taking both his hands, she placed them on her breasts and stood on tippy toes and kissed him while he warmed his hands on her.
“Honey, that feels so nice,” she said and took him by the hand and led him to the couch and they sat next to each other, she in just her bra and jeans.
“I think it is my turn now.” And, he certainly did not object when she began to unbutton his shirt and when she pulled the tails from his jeans and snuggled close to him and let their exposed skin radiate heat against one another. “That feels wonderful, Honey.”
He leaned toward the arm of the couch and pulled her to where her chest was resting on his. His hands felt for the hooks of her bra and he unhooked one and felt the skin of her back. He loved the feel of her quickening breathing against him and he found the next hook and popped it open. He felt her entire naked back with both hands. He let his hands slip beneath her waistband and felt the skin of the small of her back and around the sides to her hips. Slowly, he raised his hands and felt for the shoulder straps and slid them over the round of her shoulders. He pushed her away from himself and let the bra drop loose from her breasts. She untangled one arm and then the other from the strap and let it drop to the floor. She lowered her chest to his and he shuddered when, at that moment, he realized it was the warmth of the body of the woman he loved pressed so tenderly against him.
“I love you Annmarie,” he said so quietly he wasn’t sure if he had even said it out loud.
“I love you, too, Jake,” she whispered in her incredibly, sweet, soft, and oh, so, so, so, lovely voice.
Jake was not exactly sure how it happened, but he was lying on the couch and she was on top of him with her mouth over his, breathing with him. Her chest pressed against his and her pelvis pushed against him. She began to rock on him, keeping time with the slow rhythm of the music that Willie was singing. Jake could have spent the entire evening doing exactly as they were doing, her shoes removed or not. He would have been satisfied if she got up and left at that moment. It was enough.
But she did not get up and leave. And, she did not get dressed. She stayed, not all night, but long enough to show him how flat her bare stomach was and how strong her soccer-thighs were and that she had the control to be able to trigger her explosion at the precise moment of his.
The stars in the universe could not see fit to grant her solely to him, but they did see fit to grant him the amazing gift of her company, her talents, and, probably most of all, her extraordinarily soft, sexy voice ... sometimes.
It wasn’t that bullshit about wanting something he couldn’t have that he fell in love with Annmarie. Hell, he sure would have preferred the having. Being able to have her or not, he fell in love with her, it’s not that he had a choice. The first couple of times he saw her or heard her voice, he couldn’t control his increasing emotional attachment to her. Sometimes, after they had gone out a few times, in the passion of the moment, he would say, “I love you,” and she would say “I love you, Jake” back and he knew she truly meant it.
She hadn’t changed her mind about wanting to see him and she hadn’t changed her mind about leaving her husband. It was like they had discussed during that first deli date when she laid out her position. She hadn’t wavered; she was in love with him but she was never going to get a divorce. In a way, he admired her stance. Who would want someone who was cheating and then marrying you? That would be out-and-out wrong. He sure as hell didn’t want that happening to him down the road. He believed her infatuation quickly transformed to love for him too, but that had zero impact on her resolve.
Surprisingly, given her circumstances, they spent an unbelievable amount of time together. Initially, her husband’s education was the reason that took him into the wilderness for weeks at a time and, later, when he earned his degree, he landed a job that required him to do the same.
The moral dilemma they shared was never discussed. They just put it out of their minds when they were together. Annmarie didn’t discuss the subject with him and whether she dwelled on it when she was alone was anybody’s guess; he guessed not.
He tried not to spend time thinking of it, except on occasion, usually if he had drunk a beer or four, or smoked some pot. The hardest times were when he was high, listening to Willie Nelson singing his damned sad songs of missing a faded love that his wanting to be the only one in her life became nearly overwhelming. But, having her was not foretold by any star, so he struggled not to obsess over it and love her in the moments he had with her. What else was there to do?
It was like when he got Janis pregnant and ran off to Weiser, Idaho and married her right after high school. He didn’t have a choice there either.
Janis, what a lunatic. Jake-O – That’s what she liked to call you except when she was pissed, then it was Bastard – didn’t learn shit from that little episode, did ya?
One might argue he hadn’t learned a goddamned thing from any of life’s experiences of the past ten years. Falling in love with Annmarie was, to his way of thinking, his only option.
There were many occasions when Annmarie was not available and Jake would haunt one of the cowboy bars in Missoula and meet other girls. Sometimes the girls were his co-workers, subordinates, the “Do Not Fraternize,” girls. Jake didn’t give a darn about that particular rule either. Who the hell was Big Dick to tell him who he could associate with? Those girls felt the same.
Annmarie knew she was in no position to object but that did not seem to keep her from doing so. One time Annmarie commented, “So, now I have competition, huh?” when Jake said he had dated one of the girls at the store. It made him feel like he had cheated on her. Annmarie, it appeared to Jake, seemed to have an altered view on matters of the heart. She could have opposing views on a subject and see no contradiction in holding both views. Often, Jake wondered how long he would be able to bear living in this situation, loving a girl who loved him but not exclusively.
Shit, if you want to know the truth, life is a goddamned sonofabitch.
He didn’t have a clue why he thought so but he believed Annmarie was much more intelligent than he – she held opposing views as equally true– but he accepted the position that she was right in what she was doing.
In the past, when he was in an untenable relationship, his employer, usually, inadvertently solved the problem by transferring him to a new, distant location. It happened in Seattle soon after he got Ann pregnant, he was transferred to Everett. In Everett, Debbie became pregnant and he was moved to Spokane, and again in Spokane when Deena ended up pregnant, Big Dick moved his non-committal ass to Missoula. Every one of those girls got an abortion without any input from him. He wasn’t sure if he was happy they didn’t include him or if he was upset by the fact they didn’t consider him important enough to be involved in the decision.
Maybe it was the times he lived in. That there was a transfer soon following each event was merely coincidental. There was no communication wi
th his employer about the pregnant girls, all employees of Big Richards. He hadn’t talked to any one of those girls after he left. He didn’t try to contact them and they apparently didn’t want him in their lives either because they did not call him. Counting his ex-wife’s three or four – for the life of him, he couldn’t remember – miscarriages, he could have been the father of several kids, yet he had none.
Normally he stayed at one location for two years, sometimes two and a half years, twice, it was eleven months, so he believed he had plenty of time to assess the situation and make up his mind as to what to do before his employer stepped in again and took the matter out of his hands.
Chapter 15 Jake Forest Fired. You-know-who is out in the wild, counting crows. You can be my lot lizard. I’ll throw in a couple fuzzy bumps … on me.
Early 1980’s
He had had his fill of retail and when it happened and he was glad. The boss called and asked him to be at the store at seven am. He was out of there in less than a half hour, fired.
Within a week, he had relocated back to the northwest and was enrolled in a state sponsored truck driving school, and in six weeks was driving a semi for a small independent outfit out of Portland.
Jake was dispatched to pick up a load of empty beer kegs from the plant in the industrial section near the waterfront in Portland. His directions to the plant were sorely lacking and it took Jake nearly an hour and a stop at a tavern to ask one of the local barflies for direction to where the entrance to the plant was located.
The dispatcher also advised him that once he got into southern Wyoming, to take the cut-off at Laramie and head the back way into Denver. He’d bypass the weigh stations and avoid the payment for permits. Once he had unloaded the empty beer kegs at the Budweiser plant in Ft. Collins he was to call the dispatcher and get further instruction on what his next pickup would be. The directions on the cut-off turned out to be pretty dumb advice; he missed his delivery window by over an hour and the receiving manager put him at the end of the docket for unloading. He’d spent the entire day and most of the evening in the sleeper waiting to get called to unload. He’d arrived at ten a.m. and it was near ten p.m. when the last of the empty kegs was off-loaded and he was finally out of there.
The Trouble Way Page 26