by Dan Gutman
Dedication
To Keegan Masters
Warning! Toilet jokes ahead. If you don’t approve of
toilet jokes, don’t read this book.
And get a sense of humor.
Contents
Dedication
1. Old Fogies and Young Fogies
2. Who Wants to Be a Bazillionaire?
3. What Does Everybody Need?
4. The Name Game
5. You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet
6. My Genius Idea
7. A Nice Round Number
8. Door-to-Door
9. Ding! Ding! Ding!
10. Mrs. Master Is a Disaster!
Back Ad
About the Author and Illustrator
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
My name is A.J. and I hate toilet seats.
Let me explain. On Saturday, my family was going to go to the movies to see Star Wars. But then the toilet seat in our bathroom broke. So we had to spend the whole day at the mall shopping for a new toilet seat. Bummer in the summer! That’s why I hate toilet seats.
Okay, I promise there’s nothing else in this book about toilet seats. Quick, look down!*
Anyway, when I got to the front steps at Ella Mentry School on Monday morning, the weirdest thing in the history of the world was going on. The place was swarming with old fogies! Men and ladies with canes and walkers and gray hair were everywhere.
“What’s going on?” asked my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“Did they turn the school into a retirement home?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
“Does this mean we don’t have school anymore?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“NO MORE SCHOOL!” I chanted. “NO MORE SCHOOL! NO MORE SCHOOL!”
I figured everybody was going to start chanting “No more school!” with me. I looked around. Nobody else was chanting. Everybody was looking at me. I hate when that happens.
“What’s with all the old fogies?” I asked.
“It’s not nice to say ‘old fogies,’ Arlo,” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. “Older people are called ‘senior citizens.’ Today is Grandparents Day, remember?”
“My grandma is coming in to talk about her life,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.
Oh, yeah. I forgot. My grandpa Bert told me he would be coming to school too.
We went inside and walked a million hundred miles to Mr. Cooper’s class. Grandpa Bert and a bunch of other old fogies were lined up in the back of the room.
“Welcome to Grandparents Day,” said Mr. Cooper, after we pledged the allegiance. “I’m glad so many grandparents were able to join us today. We can learn a lot from listening to people who have lived longer than we have. Who would like their grandma or grandpa to go first?”
“Me!” shouted Andrea.
“Me!” shouted Andrea’s crybaby friend, Emily.
“Me!” shouted Ryan.
In case you were wondering, everybody was shouting “Me!” But Mr. Cooper picked Grandpa Bert, so nah-nah-nah boo-boo on everybody else.
Grandpa Bert walked up to the front of the class.
“My name is Bert,” he said. “I’m A.J.’s grandpa, and I’m an old fogy. So I guess that makes you kids young fogies.”
Everybody laughed even though Grandpa Bert didn’t say anything funny.
“Tell us a little bit about yourself, Bert,” said Mr. Cooper.
“I’m just an old coot,” said Grandpa Bert. “Are there any young coots? How come all coots are old? What’s a coot anyway? And what’s the difference between a coot and a fogy?”
“Uh, how old are you, Bert?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“I’m seventy years old,” he replied.
“Gasp!” we all gasped. I can’t imagine ever being seventy.
“Yep, that’s pretty old,” said Grandpa Bert. “I was born back in the 20th century.”
“WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down. It must have been weird to live in a different century. I bet everything was black and white when Grandpa Bert was young.
“I’m as old as some turtles,” he said. “Hey, maybe that’s why turtles move so slowly. Because they’re old. But come to think of it, even young turtles move slowly. Maybe turtles are just born old. Did you kids know that sea turtles can make a noise just like burping?”
Then he made some funny burping noises with his armpit. Grandpa Bert is weird.
“Okay, thank you, Bert,” said Mr. Cooper. “How about Andrea’s grandma? Would you like to go next?”
Andrea’s grandma went to the front of the class. She was all dressed up like she was going to a wedding. She told us her name was Mrs. Young and that she used to be a teacher.
“Does anybody have a question for Mrs. Young?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“Did they have Froot Loops when you were a kid?” I asked.
“What’s a Froot Loop?” asked Andrea’s grandma.
“Gasp!” we all gasped. I can’t imagine not knowing what Froot Loops are.
“Froot Loops are my favorite cereal,” I told her. “They taste like candy, but they have the word ‘fruit’ in them so you know they’re good for you.”
“They sound disgusting,” Andrea’s grandma replied. “I don’t approve of sugary foods.”
“Did they have video games when you were a kid?” asked Neil.
“No,” Mrs. Young replied. “When my friends and I wanted to play, we had to go outside.”
“Outside?” I asked. “Where’s that?”
Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
One by one, the other old fogies came up and told us about their lives. Michael’s grandfather was a soldier in the army. Emily’s grandmother worked in a bank. Neil’s grandmother told us that when she was a teenager, she went to someplace called Woodstock. It must have been horrible, because she had to live outside in the mud for three days.
“Blah blah blah blah,” all the old fogies told us. “Blah blah blah blah when I was your age blah blah blah blah the good old days blah blah blah blah.”
The last of the old fogies was Alexia’s grandmother Mrs. Master. She told us she was an inventor and that she started her own company.
“What did you invent?” asked Andrea.
“Oh, all kinds of things,” Mrs. Master replied. “Shoes that tie themselves, eyeglasses with built-in windshield wipers. You know that rubber thing your parents use when they can’t take the lid off of a jar?”
“You invented that?” we all asked.
“Yep,” replied Mrs. Master. “Somebody had to. How else would we get the lids off of jars?”
It was really interesting listening to the old fogies talk about their lives. But it went on all morning. I thought that by the time the grandparents were finished, I might be a grandparent.
“Okay, it’s time for spelling,” Mr. Cooper said after all the old fogies were gone.
“Yay!” shouted all the girls.
“Boo!” shouted all the boys.
“Most words are easy to spell,” Mr. Cooper told us. “You can just sound them out. Can somebody spell what Mr. Klutz’s job is?”
Andrea waved her hand in the air like she was trying to signal a plane from a desert island. Mr. Cooper called on her, of course.
“Mr. Klutz is the P-R-I-N-C-I-P-L-E,” guessed Andrea.
“That’s close,” said Mr. Cooper. “Remember, the principal is your pal.”
“P-R-I-N-C-A-P-A-L,” guessed Ryan.
“Nice try, but no,” said Mr. Cooper. “Just sound it out.”
&nb
sp; “P-R-I-N-S-I-P-A-L,” guessed Michael.
“No, sorry,” said Mr. Cooper.
“P-R-I-N-S-I-P-L-E,” guessed Emily.
Mr. Cooper slapped his own forehead. Grown-ups are always slapping their foreheads. Nobody knows why.
At that moment, the lunch bell rang.
“Yay!” everybody shouted as we grabbed our lunch bags and ran out the door. I guess we’ll never learn the right way to spell what Mr. Klutz’s job is.
We walked a million hundred miles to the vomitorium. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Ryan had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich too, but he turned his sandwich upside down and said it was a jelly and peanut butter sandwich. Ryan is weird.
“Wasn’t Grandparents Day fun?” asked Emily.
“I hope I never get old,” Michael said. “I don’t want to be an old fogy.”
“Or an old coot,” I said.
“Everybody gets old, Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “Getting old is part of life.”
“Your grandmother was a cool lady, Alexia,” said Emily. “I didn’t know that she invented all those things.”
“Yeah, she invented lots of stuff,” said Alexia. “Last week she invented a cookie dunker that prevents your hand from getting full of milk when you dunk a cookie.”
“I bet she made a ton of money,” I said. “Hundreds of dollars.”
“Thousands!” said Ryan.
“Millions!” said Neil.
“Bazillions!” said Michael.
I don’t even know if “bazillions” is a real word. It sounds like a made-up number, if you ask me. But even if it is fake, Alexia’s grandmother must be really rich.
“Hey, we should invent something and start our own company,” I said. “Then we could make bazillions.”
“A.J., you’re a genius!” said Ryan.
I should get the Nobel Prize for that idea.*
Instead of going to recess after we finished lunch, we went to Mr. Klutz’s office. When we got there, he was hanging upside down from a bar near the ceiling. He had on boots that were attached to the bar.
“What are you doing up there?” I asked.
“Oh, just hanging around,” Mr. Klutz said as he pulled himself out of his boots and jumped down on the floor. “What can I do for you? This must be pretty important for you kids to miss recess.”
“We want to start a company, like my grandma did,” said Alexia.
“That’s a great idea!” said Mr. Klutz. “I like my students to think big. What sort of company do you want to start?”
“We don’t know,” said Andrea.
“We should make something,” said Ryan.
“Well, what do you want to make?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“We want to make bazillions!” I said.
“Hmmmmm,” said Mr. Klutz. “I don’t know if I can help you. I don’t know the first thing about starting a company.”
That’s when I came up with another genius idea.
“Why don’t you call your grandma on the phone, Alexia?” I suggested. “Maybe she’ll help us.”
“That’s a great idea!” Mr. Klutz said as he picked up his phone.
No wonder I’m in the gifted and talented program.
Alexia told Mr. Klutz the cell phone number for Mrs. Master, and he dialed it. It was like that TV show where they ask people questions, and if they can’t answer them, they can call a friend. Mr. Klutz turned on the speaker on his phone so we could hear what Alexia’s grandmother had to say.
“Hello?” said Mrs. Master.
“This is Mr. Klutz over at Ella Mentry School,” said Mr. Klutz. “May I speak with Mrs. Master?”
“Speaking,” said Mrs. Master.
“You really inspired Alexia and her classmates this morning,” said Mr. Klutz. “Now they want to start their own company. Can you give them any advice?”
“I’m pretty much retired now, so I have plenty of time,” replied Mrs. Master. “I’ll be right over.”
“Yay!” we all shouted.
We walked back to Mr. Cooper’s class. When we got there, we told him that Mrs. Master was going to help us start our own company so we could make bazillions.
“You’ll need to count all that money,” Mr. Cooper said. “Math is very important in the business world. So let’s all turn to page twenty-three in our math—”
He never got the chance to finish his sentence. At that moment, you’ll never believe who came though the door.
Nobody! You can’t come through a door. Doors are made of wood. But you’ll never believe who came through the doorway. It was Mrs. Master! And she was riding a hover board!
“Hello, my young fogies!” she hollered.
“Mrs. Master, why are you riding a hover board?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“Oh, it’s not just a hover board,” she said. “It’s a combination hover board and lawn mower! So you can hover and mow at the same time. It’s my latest invention.”
“Cool!” we all shouted.
“Grandma is always coming up with ideas like that,” said Alexia.
“So you want to make an invention and start your own company,” said Mrs. Master. “What do you want to invent?”
“Uh, we don’t know, Grandma,” admitted Alexia.
“Hmmm,” said Mrs. Master. “Well, the first rule of inventing is to invent something that everybody needs.”
“Let’s put on our thinking caps,” said Mr. Cooper.
I looked in my desk. There was no thinking cap in there. I would just have to think without one.
What does everybody need? I thought and thought. I was thinking so hard that my brain hurt.
“Food!” shouted Andrea. “Everybody needs food.”
“Clothes!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
“Shelter!” shouted Ryan. “We all need a place to live.”
“That’s true,” said Mrs. Master.
“Pencils,” said Mr. Cooper. “I’m always losing my pencil.”
Everybody was thinking. That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“A toilet seat!” I shouted.
Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
Okay, I know it said there wasn’t going to be anything else in this book about toilet seats. But think about it—everybody needs a toilet seat. If you don’t have a toilet seat, you’ll fall into the toilet!
“You’re right, A.J.,” said Mr. Cooper. “That’s not a bad idea!”
“The only problem is that most people already have a toilet seat,” said Mrs. Master. “When you buy a toilet, it comes with a seat. An inventor wants to invent something that people don’t already have.”
“What if we were to make the toilet seat special?” I said. “Or different.”
“How can we make a toilet seat different?” asked Mr. Cooper. “Aren’t all toilet seats pretty much the same?”
I thought and thought and thought some more. I thought my head was going to explode.
“What if the toilet seat was heated?” I asked. “Then it wouldn’t feel cold when you sit on it.”
“That’s a good idea, A.J!” said Mr. Cooper. He looked really excited.
“Yeah!” everybody shouted.
“I think they have heated toilet seats,” said Mrs. Master. “Somebody already invented it.”
“Ohhh,” everybody groaned.
“Hmmmm,” said Mr. Cooper.
Grown-ups always say “Hmmmm” when they’re thinking. Nobody knows why.
“How about a heated toilet seat that glows in the dark?” Mr. Cooper suggested. “Then you can find the toilet at night without turning the bathroom light on!”
“Yeah!” everybody shouted.
“Well, that would be different,” said Mrs. Master. “I don’t think anybody ever invented that.”
“And we can make the toilet seat scented, so it smells pretty,” said Andrea.
“A heated, scented toilet seat that g
lows in the dark!” shouted Mr. Cooper. “I love this idea!”
“And we could make it talk!” I shouted.
Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
“Arlo, why would anybody in the world want a talking toilet seat?” asked Andrea, rolling her eyes.
“Because it’s lonely in the bathroom,” I explained. “A talking toilet seat would help keep you company.”
“It’s brilliant!” shouted Mrs. Master.
“A.J., I think you’re a genius!” shouted Mr. Cooper.
“We’re gonna make bazillions!” shouted Michael.
It was the greatest moment of my life.
Everybody was excited about inventing the first heated, scented, talking toilet seat that glows in the dark. Even Mr. Cooper.
“I can’t wait to get started!” he said, clapping his hands together. “I have a workshop in my basement. I can build it there tonight.”
“I can bring over a hammer,” said Ryan.
“I have some wood we can use,” said Neil.
“Slow down!” said Mrs. Master. “That’s not how to start a company! Alexia, grab a pencil and paper. Kids, before you invent anything, you need to make a business plan.”
“HUH?” we all said, which is also “HUH” backward.
“You need to explain to the world why your company will be successful,” said Mrs. Master. “Let me see. Does anybody know many houses there are in China?”
Andrea took out her smartphone. Her parents got her one so she could look stuff up and show everybody how smart she is.
“It says here that there are almost five hundred million households in China,” she reported.
“Good,” said Mrs. Master. “Write that down, Alexia. And let’s say that one out of every ten families in China bought our toilet seat. How many toilet seats would they buy?”
Andrea fooled around with her smartphone some more.
“Almost fifty million toilet seats!” Andrea said.
“WOW!” we all shouted, which is “MOM” upside down.
“Good,” said Mrs. Master. “Alexia, write that down. Fifty million toilet seats.”
“That’s a lot of toilet seats!” said Emily.