by Kate Field
CHAPTER 22
Helen opened the front door, and the smile which was already shaping her lips in anticipation stopped in its tracks. Joel was standing on the step, wearing a well-fitted charcoal suit and shiny shoes. She had never seen him in a suit before, only in casual clothes. His hair had escaped the smartening process, and stubborn curls caressed his ears. He looked stunning. Helen felt well and truly stunned.
‘You’re wearing a tie,’ she said, when her brain staggered into motion again and she recovered the capacity to speak.
‘I am.’ Joel fingered his tie, which was decorated with splashes of red. ‘Isn’t that what you wear for weddings? Is this the point where you remember to tell me that there’s a dress code, and it’s not this?’
‘No, it’s just…’ She laughed, unable to drag her eyes from him. ‘It’s silly, but I have a thing about men in ties.’
The smile that had been playing over Joel’s lips – lovely wide lips, Helen noticed, as if seeing them for the first time – paused.
‘A thing in that you like them, or hate them?’
‘Love them. It’s the thought of taking them off…’
‘God help me, then, taking you to a wedding where there’ll be loads of men in ties.’ Joel grinned. ‘Is this the real reason Kirsty backed out? Was she afraid she couldn’t handle you?’
‘Do you think you can?’
‘I’d be more than happy to try.’ The dimples deepened, and Helen laughed. ‘But if you make me wait out here much longer it might be a very icy experience.’
Helen stepped aside and Joel came in. He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. It wasn’t an icy experience at all. In fact, Helen felt decidedly hot. Her body seemed suddenly to have remembered in tiny detail how to react to a man, and the presence of Megan in the room behind her wasn’t having any sort of dampening effect.
‘You look beautiful,’ Joel said as he drew back. Corroboration of his words was etched all over his face.
‘What, in this old thing?’ Smiling, Helen indicated her dress. It was an old one, a pre-Megan dress that she had loved so much she couldn’t let it go. It had beckoned at her from the wardrobe when she had been wondering what to wear to the wedding, and luckily it had been a loose enough style that with only a few minor adjustments it fitted her post-child figure. Feeling the luxurious silk slide against her skin was like rediscovering something of her old self.
‘Especially in that old thing,’ Joel said. His eyes roamed over the cream silk, adorned with bold red flowers, and continued past her bare knees and down her legs. She hadn’t worn so short a skirt for years, even though her legs were as slim as they had ever been, and considerably more toned, with all the running round after Megan. Joel’s smile widened as his eyes landed on her red shoes. ‘We co-ordinate well, don’t we?’
The same thought had crossed Helen’s mind when she had seen his tie. They could hardly have planned their outfits better if they had discussed them in advance. It was subtle enough to establish a connection, without being twee.
They smiled at each other, assessing.
‘Mummy!’ An impatient little voice floated between them. ‘Can I move yet?’
Helen turned round. Megan had been confined to the sofa for the last fifteen minutes, ever since she’d put her flower-girl dress on, so she could stay clean and as uncreased as possible.
‘Okay, come and put your shoes on.’
Megan rolled off the sofa and ran over. She smiled at Joel.
‘Do I look as beautiful as Mummy?’
Trying to hold back his smile, Joel nodded.
‘Yes, you do. Just like a little princess.’
Megan pushed her feet into her shoes, and Helen crouched down to fasten the buckles.
‘My shoes are more sparkly.’
‘They are very sparkly. Do you think your mummy should have worn shoes like that?’
Megan giggled.
‘Her feet are too big.’
Helen wrapped Megan in a furry white bolero and pulled on her own jacket.
‘Would you mind carrying the carseat?’ she asked Joel.
‘Sure.’ He picked it up and watched as Helen grabbed a large bag. ‘Did you also forget to tell me we’re staying overnight?’
‘You can never travel light with a child.’ She gave the bag a rueful look. ‘It rather ruins the attempt to look elegant, doesn’t it?’
Joel regarded the pair of them, standing hand in hand in front of him, and shook his head.
‘You look lovelier than ever.’
The journey to the church where Alex was to be married took almost an hour, but the time flew by. Megan loved being so high up in Joel’s 4x4, and provided a commentary on what she could see all the way there. They laughed and chatted like… Helen reined in her thoughts before they could reach the finishing post. A family had been the words galloping through her brain, but that couldn’t be right, could it? It was nerves, she told herself, making her confused, that was all.
Helen recognised the church as soon as she saw it, though the name hadn’t rung any bells: she had been here before for the funeral of Daniel’s father. And as she walked in through the doors, with Joel brushing against her arm on one side and Megan holding her hand on the other, and saw the faces of the other guests turn to inspect the new arrivals, she realised that it was more than the building that was familiar. How could she have been so stupid, that this hadn’t occurred to her before? Alex’s family was Daniel’s family. She had met many of these people during her time as Daniel’s girlfriend, even if only briefly. They may or may not recognise her; but they would recognise Megan; they would have heard what Helen had done. The whole day had suddenly taken on a new, nightmarish hue.
As they shuffled into a pew on the bride’s side of the church, Helen felt the puzzled glances flicker over her, pass on to Megan, then return to her. Was she imagining the hostile vibes? And could Joel detect them? For the first time she wished that Kirsty was with her instead. Kirsty could have supported her through this. She looked at Joel as they sat down. He smiled warmly back. Would his smile be warm if he knew? He mustn’t find out. The thought came fast and shocked her. Why did she care so much?
Helen’s mobile phone buzzed. Joel nudged her arm.
‘You’re supposed to switch that off!’ he murmured, smiling. ‘The bride must be about to arrive.’
‘She is. That’s my signal.’ She checked the message. It was from Daniel, letting her know they were arriving at the church. He had wanted Megan to get ready at Valerie’s house, and travel in with them, but Helen had refused. ‘I need to take Megan to the back of the church.’
She led Megan to the door, and waited with the bridesmaids until Alex and Daniel arrived. Helen kissed Megan for luck, handed her over to two of the bridesmaids, and slipped back to her seat. She turned and stood with the rest of the congregation as the bridal party walked up the aisle. Her eyes were solely on Megan, to see how she was managing with this new experience. Judging from her excited smile, she was loving it.
As Alex and Daniel drew level with their pew, Helen felt movement behind her.
‘When you said it was the wedding of a family friend,’ Joel said quietly in her ear, ‘was the emphasis more on family than friend? Whose wedding is this?’
Helen turned her head. Joel’s face was still close to hers.
‘The bride is Megan’s aunt.’
‘And I’m guessing that’s not the father of the bride walking her down the aisle? Father of the flower girl?’
Helen nodded.
‘I see.’
Helen saw Joel’s gaze fixed on Daniel. Daniel was wearing the full wedding regalia of dark tail coat, grey trousers and waistcoat, and a blue cravat to match the bridesmaids. The formality of the clothes suited him; he looked handsome, Helen had noticed that at once. But what did Joel see, and what was he thinking? His face, usually so sunny and easy to read, now may as well have been covered in hieroglyphics for all the sense she could make of it.
The wedding reception was taking place at a hotel a few miles away, and the weather was so cold that after the service many of the guests took a quick snap of the bride and groom and headed straight there. Helen would have been happy to do the same, but Megan was whisked away to join the formal photographs that were being taken outside the church.
‘You should have told me,’ Joel said, as the number of guests diminished. Helen understood at once what he meant.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t deliberate. I wasn’t keeping it a secret. It’s… awkward.’
It was an inadequate word, but she didn’t have time to think of a better one, in her haste to reassure Joel.
‘So that’s Megan’s dad,’ he continued, watching as another family group was arranged. ‘They’re alike, aren’t they?’
‘Yes.’
‘And is the dream girlfriend still around?’
‘Yes, she’s over there, by the old lady in the wheelchair.’
‘Hmm.’ Joel’s gaze swivelled towards Tasha. She was wrapped up in a long cream wool coat, and looked thoroughly miserable. ‘She doesn’t look like she’s enjoying the dream today.’ He reached out and gently brushed his fingers against Helen’s. ‘It can’t be easy for you either, being stuck out on the fringe, with people you were once close to.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I’m only here for Megan.’
‘And I’m here for you. Friends, remember?’ His fingers were still touching hers, and that feather-light contact was warming Helen’s entire body. ‘How can I help if you don’t tell me what’s going on?’
‘Mummy! Did you see me?’ Megan ran up and clutched Helen’s hand, pulling her attention away from Joel. ‘I’m in lots of photos.’
‘I know, and you’ll look very beautiful in them.’ Helen stroked Megan’s hair, noticing that she had brought a line of attendants with her: Daniel, followed by Tasha and Valerie, with Alex and Phil bringing up the rear.
‘Am I still as beautiful as Mummy?’ Megan asked Joel. He laughed.
‘Just as beautiful, and twice as sparkly.’
Daniel looked Joel up and down silently.
‘Where’s Kirsty?’ he asked, his eyes boring into Helen.
‘At home.’
‘Your plus one is Kirsty. It said so on the RSVP. It says so on the table plan, and on the place card next to yours.’
‘Sorry. There was a change of plan. I’ve come with Joel.’ Helen smiled at Alex. ‘I would have told you, but I guessed it was too late to change anything.’
‘I should have brought a name badge,’ Joel said. ‘I promise not to mind if you call me Kirsty by mistake.’
Alex laughed.
‘You’re not Kirsty.’ Megan giggled. ‘You’re Joel! Daddy, don’t call him Kirsty!’
Judging by his expression, and the clouds of hostility hovering over him, Kirsty was not the name Daniel was currently christening Joel in his head. Even the ‘Daddy’ didn’t seem to soften him.
‘Haven’t we been lucky with the weather?’ Valerie said, in an obvious bid to disperse the clouds. ‘After all the snow last weekend, I was worried that some of the guests might not make it. Either that, or be stranded here once they’d arrived. We don’t want any more adventures like yours last weekend, do we, Megan? It must have been very cold for you all out in the snow.’
‘I cuddled Mr Cat to keep warm.’
‘Did you?’ Valerie smiled down at Megan. ‘That was very sensible.’
‘And Daddy cuddled Mummy.’
They were never to hear whether Valerie thought that was very sensible too. A heavy pause followed Megan’s announcement, which was broken by a noise from Tasha which could equally have been a sob or a snort of rage. She stormed away into the graveyard. Daniel, prodded into action by his mother, followed her.
‘Phil, you must introduce me to your grandparents before the meal,’ Valerie said, and drew Alex and Phil off with her. Helen looked at Joel. He seemed wholly engrossed with the cars turning round on the narrow lane outside the church.
‘It wasn’t quite how that sounded,’ Helen told him. ‘Daniel’s car became stuck in the snow on the way back from Birmingham and we had to book into a B&B…’
‘You don’t need to explain.’ Joel turned back to her. He wasn’t smiling, and disappointment hung like voile over his face. ‘It’s one of the chief rules of friendship. Never judge.’
‘There was only one family room left, and we had to share a bed,’ Helen ploughed on, determined to make her confession. There was plenty he might judge her for, but not this, not when she was entirely blameless. ‘Neither of us chose it. When I woke up, Daniel’s arm was over me. He must have been dreaming about Tasha.’ Joel’s eyebrows twitched, as if he wasn’t as convinced of this as Helen. ‘Tasha will understand,’ she added. ‘Nothing happened. Megan was in the same room all night.’
‘Is that the only reason why nothing happened?’
‘No, of course not. We were both horrified. We haven’t been together for years.’
They stood in the cold churchyard, looking at each other. Slowly a smile began to curl Joel’s lips, a semi-skimmed version of his usual smile, but Helen had never been so glad to see it.
‘Kirsty knew what she was doing, missing this, didn’t she? Come on, let’s go and see what trouble you can cause at the reception.’
Helen was very grateful that Alex had placed her, Megan and Joel on a table of friends, not family, and a good distance away from the top table. There were a couple of other children with them, and Megan instantly made friends with a girl in the next seat, who was a year or two older. All the children had been given activity packs to amuse them through the meal.
The other girl’s mother leaned across and introduced herself as Debbie.
‘How old is she?’ Debbie asked, nodding at Megan. ‘Three? Four?’
‘She was four in September.’
‘Just started school then?’
‘No, she was a couple of days too young, so she’ll go next September.’
‘Make the most of this last year,’ Debbie smiled. ‘They’re never the same once they start school. It’s the beginning of the end.’
‘Is it?’ Helen didn’t know whether to laugh or be alarmed. ‘In what way?’
‘They stop being so entirely yours. School and friends begin to assert their influence. They learn to be independent and less in need of their mothers.’ Debbie laughed. ‘It’s tough. I have two teenagers at home. I couldn’t stand becoming redundant, and persuaded Paddy to start again with these two. Perhaps you’ll need to do the same,’ she added, with a wink and a gesture at Joel. ‘Or maybe you’ll enjoy having more time together again!’
Helen was too dazed to correct the assumption. She looked down at Megan and felt a chill at the prospect of the baby years coming to a close. She’d never thought about the future, other than in practical terms of deciding which school to choose. But it was true: Megan was growing up, and slowly she would come to need Helen less than she did now. What would Helen do then? She was never going to need less of Megan. She had nothing – no one – to fill the chasm that time would stretch between them.
Alex had organised a crèche to run throughout the reception, and when the meal was over, one of the helpers came to gather up any children who wanted to avoid the speeches. Helen had expected Megan to stay with her, but as soon as her new friend announced her intention to go to the crèche, Megan was desperate to go too, and happily wandered away without a backward glance. It was a painful confirmation of all that Debbie had said.
Daniel gave the first speech, and was suitably complimentary about the bride and groom. He held the audience effortlessly with a mix of authority and charm.
‘You all know, or realise, that I’m standing here in the shoes of the man who ought to have given Alex away,’ he concluded, letting his hand rest momentarily on Alex’s shoulder. ‘But although our father isn’t with us today, I know what he would have wanted to say. He would have been delighted
to welcome Phil as a new member of our family…’ For a second, he hesitated. ‘And to wish them many happy years of marriage, and that together they can experience the utter joy –’ and here his voice definitely wobbled, ‘– of having their own children.’ He paused and, without needing to search the room, his eyes darted straight to Helen. She wasn’t close enough to see their expression. The pause lengthened, and one table applauded. Alex reached for Daniel’s hand.
‘To the bride and groom, Alex and Phil!’ he concluded.
The guests all rose to join the toast.
‘Great speech,’ Joel murmured, leaning towards Helen. She nodded, and took a large gulp of champagne.
When the speeches were over, the guests started to mingle. Helen was rising to go and check on Megan when Joel put out a hand to stop her.
‘I heard what Debbie was saying to you earlier, about how Megan will change when she starts school. Don’t take it too much to heart. You looked as though she’d convinced you the world was about to end.’
‘Mine will.’
Her face must have reflected her misery, because Joel reached out and gently swept his fingers across her bare arm. The tickling sensation was so acute it was almost painful.
‘She’s going to need you for a long time yet.’
‘I know.’ Helen moved her arm away and topped up her glass. ‘But when she doesn’t, what will I have then?’
‘A great business? An incredible talent?’ He smiled. ‘Are you fishing for compliments? Because I can think of plenty more if you are.’
Helen smiled back, and turned in her seat so her knees were touching Joel’s.
‘The business might not be so great by then if it doesn’t work out at Church Farm.’
‘Of course it’s going to work out. We’ll make sure it does.’ That ‘we’ made Helen’s heart float several inches higher in her chest. ‘Next week do you want to make a start on your new website? I’ve had some ideas of how it might look, but we need to go over it together.’