by Scott, S. L.
I know that logically I should leave it, but it transformed over the years from something negative to something more… something that gave me hope. Something that showed I was stronger than all of the bad, that I was someone without him. I survived the devastation.
It’s pouring outside, typical for October. Not a great month to move weather-wise, but the weather doesn’t matter because I’ve been given a new chance at a happy ending. Austin will give that to me.
I take a big breath and look around once last time before walking to the window. My footsteps echo through the empty apartment. Looking down to the street below, the moving truck pulls out into traffic as Austin stands on the sidewalk, umbrella in hand, directing them.
He flew back from China a week early, so he could help. Deep down I think he was worried I’d back out. I don’t know. Maybe I would have. Maybe I wouldn’t. I’m just in neutral right now, going with the flow. This seems to be the right direction, but I guess I’ll never know until I do it. Dylan is gone from my life again, so it seems to be the only direction left.
Austin sees me from the street, looking up and waving. He risks the rain to smile at me, then nods asking me to come down. I take a moment longer, alone, here in this place, closing my eyes, I inhale. I expect the air to be stale. But it’s lively, sparking all my memories and bringing them to life.
It makes me wonder how different the air will be at his place when I move in, my new residence… my new home. That feels awkward to say. I release a staggered breath and open my eyes again. Dylan.
I see Dylan running down the street. I watch with a vested interest. Austin doesn’t see him, but Dylan must call his name because he turns around. He smiles even though I know this isn’t a polite social call.
Dylan’s soaked from the rain, his hands moving in overtime as he says something to Austin. Much like the anxiety I feel beginning to overwhelm me, I see Austin tense as well, obvious even from up here.
What is Dylan doing here?
What is he saying to him?
I run. I run out the door, not bothering to close it behind me, down the steps, bursting through the entrance, hit by the cold rain, and immediately soaked. Austin rushes over, standing protectively in front of me, his arm tucking me behind his back, the umbrella over our heads.
I know before anything is said. I know why Dylan’s here even before he calls my name, pleading. “Jules!”
…And my heart leaps from my chest.
DYLAN IS DESPERATE, his eyes locked on mine.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my voice is harsh though my insides are soft for him, wanting to reach out. I want to comfort him from the pain and calm his turmoil. I want to wipe that expression of loss from his face.
When he comes closer, Austin pulls me to his side, his arm tightening around my waist. Threatening him, Austin says, “Don’t come near her. I’m warning you, Somers. Don’t make this worse. Don’t put Jules in the middle of whatever this is.”
Dylan stops to laugh, a tinge maniacally. “Caught in the middle?” he asks. “Fuck! She’s not in the middle, man. She’s all of it. My whole world—the outside, the inside, the middle. My. Fucking. Everything!”
“Dylan,” comes out more as a sigh, my weaker side giving into him.
Austin doesn’t look at me, afraid to take his eyes off of him, but says, “Jules, he’s dangerous. Go back inside and call the police.”
Dylan doesn’t scare me. “He won’t hurt me.”
“Jules, don’t trust him. Look, Dylan, I don’t know what’s going on or why you’re at my girlfriends’ apartment, but you need to leave right now.”
“I need to talk to you,” he says, staring into my eyes, and ignoring Austin altogether. His voice is loud, shouting above the rain that pummels the ground all around us. “Please, Jules. I’m begging you.”
Shaking my head, I reply, “My decision is made, Dylan.”
“What the fuck is going on here?” Austin is losing his patience and he releases me. “Jules?” He turns to me, knowing he’s missing a key piece of the puzzle. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I look from Dylan to him, his beautiful eyes pleading and worried, seeing the truth in mine. I can’t hide it from him any longer. “I need to talk to him, Austin. Please wait in the car.”
“No.” He demands, “I won’t leave you to talk to this psychopath. He’s acting irrational. It isn’t safe for you to be alone with him.”
“Please,” I beg, tears filling my eyes. “Just let me talk to him in private. It won’t take long. I promise. Trust me. You have to trust me on this.”
“I think this is a huge mistake.”
“Please, Austin.”
After a stern pause, he nods, trusting me and conceding to my request. He’s an amazing man. Leaning in, he whispers, “Keep your distance. I’ll be close if you need me.”
“Thank you.”
He leaves me the umbrella and dashes through the rain to hop inside the waiting vehicle.
Dylan doesn’t waste another second. “I screwed up so many times, so many times, Jules. I’m sorry. I hate what I did to you. I never really understood the repercussions of my actions until I saw the pain in your eyes when I told you… when I told you the truth.” He steps closer and I stay, raising the umbrella up for him to come under. “I saw what I did to you. I can’t take back what happened, but I can tell you that no one comes close to what you mean to me. No one can replace you. No one is you.”
I raise my hand up to make him stop. “No more, Dylan, please.” When I look into his eyes, the blue is a sad foggy color of loss. He now knows. I can see in the depths of his soul that he realizes what he did to destroy us, that what he did destroyed me. “I believe you. I see your pain. It’s eating at your soul like it did mine, but it’s too late for us. You’re too late. When I needed you, you weren’t there for me. Fate may have thrown you back into my life or me into yours, but it’s not destiny. We make our decisions, our own choices, and I’ve made mine.” The tears fall down my cheeks, regret filling my heart.
He drops his head down as he closes his eyes. “Please. I’m begging you to give me another chance. I won’t screw up again. I promise to—”
Touching his cheek, I feel the scruff from his unshaven face. He looks up and I see the dark circles under his eyes. I step closer, wanting to hold and comfort him, but keep a distance between us. “You can’t make promises that you don’t know you can keep—”
“I loved you.” His words are adamant, full strength, full belief in what he’s saying. “I love you still. I was tainted and a stupid twenty-three year old.”
“You’re only twenty-seven now. Has that much really changed, Dylan?”
“Everything has changed. My life is only a life when you’re in it. Please don’t go with him. Don’t move in. Don’t give up on us or the possibility of what we can be. I know you feel something for me. I can feel it now. I see it in your eyes.”
I look away, trying to block out his pleas. “I need to go. Austin’s waiting for me.”
“No!” Dylan’s hand runs anxiously through his wet hair. “What do I have to do to prove that I love you, to show how sorry I am? Tell me and I’ll do it. Anything.”
My thoughts are jumbling, so I close my eyes briefly to clear them, but it doesn’t work. The tears are already flowing. My heart is breaking, aching, and the words just come out. “You could have left me some damn coffee!”
“What? What does that mean?” I walk around him and head for the car, but he grabs my arm. “Jules, don’t leave. Don’t leave me for him.”
I turn back around on that comment. “Is that what this is about? Is this about winning for you? My fucking heart is on the line and torn in two and you just want to win?” My anger wells inside, firing me up, and I shove him in the chest, then I hit him, pounding his chest as I shout, “I hate you. I hate that you’re doing this to me. I’m just a game to you, a toy for you to fuck around with. I hate you, Dylan Somers.”
Grabb
ing my flailing arms, he stills me abruptly. “Those are lies. You’re lying to yourself, so you can walk away from your true feelings. You were never a game to me. You aren’t a toy. You’re my heart, my soul, fuck this.”
He kisses me… And I let him.
IT HAPPENED SO fast. I’m here, putting my heart fully on the line and hoping not to be rejected. I kiss her. I can’t resist the temptation any longer. It’s the only way I can show Jules how much I love her. Then she kisses me back.
The blow to my chest sends me backward and she’s ripped from my arms. Austin. I’d forgotten about Austin. I don’t care about him. Jules is all that matters, so when I see Austin’s driver is manhandling her, I run to save her. I’m blindsided by a punch to the face, which knocks me to the side, stumbling to find balance.
Despite the pain, I only think of Jules. I need her. I need to help her, to make Austin understand. I straighten back up, seeing I’m going to have to get through him to get to her. “Austin, I love her,” I warn.
Through gritted teeth and narrowed eyes, he yells, “You barely know her!”
This won’t be easy. “She loves me.”
His laugh is humorless, more threatening. “You’re deranged, Dylan!”
When Jules cries out, “Pleas—” I punch him. I take the cheap shot when he’s not looking, but it’s the only shot I’ve got. “Dylan! Noooo!”
Austin falls to his knees, but I know he’s strong and will fight back. I want him to. This situation coming to blows once and for all.
He shouts, “Get in the car, Jules.” Without warning he lands on his feet and lands a punch square on my cheek sending me to the ground. The blood comes, my lip busted as I debate if I should fight, feeling this battle was lost almost four years ago when I walked out on Jules. When I look up, Austin continues, his anger taking over. “Fight. Damn it!”
I lay back, my face pulsing with pain from being pummeled as the rain falls down. The throbbing reminds me of the devastation I caused. I’m deserving of everything I get, karma finally collecting her dues.
The grey clouds above calm my insides as they blow over the city. Austin yells something, but my mind is on Jules. She’s gotten into the car of her own free will. The battle is over. Austin wins. “Get up,” he yells.
When I look over at him, I say, “Finally.”
“What are you talking about?”
She should have a good man in her life. Austin is good and can give her the beautiful life she deserves. “Treat her well.”
“What are you talking about?” He asks with confusion on his face. “Fuck this!”
He’s gone, the car door slammed shut. The loud sound knocks me to my senses. This is it. For real. I’ve lost her…
I sit up, then I’m on my feet running after the car. I can’t give up. I can’t live without Jules. The black car is gone before I reach it, escaping down a side street. Austin may be the better choice on paper, but I’m the better man for her. I just need the chance to show her. I run faster, but I stop in the middle of the alley when the love of my life leaves with the wrong man. Leaning against the stone building, I try to catch my breath.
My mind is crazed with ideas. I know where he lives. I can go after her. Hailing a cab, I get in as soon as one pulls over. “Where to, Mac?”
“97…” The fact that she went on her own accord stops me from finishing the sentence. I pause.
The driver asks, “Hey, where to?”
I decide not to give Austin’s address and tell him mine instead.
I’m tired of inventing excuses to make myself feel better for what I did. I just need to face the reality of the situation. I fucked up. I threw away the best part of me… No amount of excuses or apologies is gonna change the fact that I hurt Jules and I can’t seem to make it right. I’ve tried, but I finally realize there has to be two willing participants. She knows how I feel about her. I can keep barging into her life, but that just messes up the happiness she’s found. I’ll always love her and that means I need to put her happiness before mine… for once. It’s always been about me and what I wanted. She deserves happiness, even if it’s not with me.
When I get home, I lay back on the couch with an icepack on my face, thinking about the day and our kiss. Closing my eyes, I accept that the kiss would be the last time I ever feel her lips against mine again. She was giving me a final kiss goodbye.
A POUNDING ON my door wakes me from my sleep. I don’t remember falling asleep on the couch. The knocking continues, which wipes away any dreams I might have been having. I hurry to stop the noise that’s reverberating in my head. One large bolt and a sliding lock undone and it’s open. Jules is standing there.
Small.
Wet.
Crying.
Head dropped. I hope not in shame. I’m the one who should be ashamed.
“I, uh,” she starts, looking around, over her shoulder. I can tell she’s thinking about leaving.
I quickly offer, “Come in.” I wait, praying she will. Slowly she steps into my place. I’ve never made the mistake of calling it a home. It’s not. She’s not living here, so it’s not home for me. “I’m sorry,” I say, staring at her. Her head is down again as the words escape me, desperate to get out, to be heard. “And you’re here and all wet.”
Shivering, she says, “It’s storming outside. I didn’t have an umbrella.” She finally looks me in the eyes, though I spot the fear. I hate the thought that she might be scared of me.
“I’ll put your clothes in the dryer and get you something to wear.”
Gentle fingers wrap around my wrist and she stops me. “Dylan, your face, it’s bruised and swollen. Are you alright?”
I’d forgotten about my face, dismissing the dull ache in comparison to the heartache I’m feeling. Touching my right cheek, it doesn’t feel as swollen as it was earlier, though it’s tender. Jules was ripped away, stolen from me as Austin hit me. I let him, taking each blow, hoping it would knock some sense into me. Looking at her now, I don’t know if it did. I just want to hold her, touch her, and wipe her tears away. I don’t. “I’m fine.”
Staring into my eyes, some other emotion takes hold of her. She leans up and kisses my neck. My hands go to her waist, holding her, never wanting to let go. My eyes drop closed, and she whispers, “I’m sorry, too.”
Surprised, I open my eyes again and look down at her, daring to seek the truth in her hazels. It’s there. Everything I felt in the kiss is prevalent in her eyes now. I kiss her again, cupping her face, and leaning down to show her how she should be kissed. Every time. With feeling and love, passion and conviction.
Her arms encircle my neck and she lifts up on her tiptoes, deepening the connection. I prolong it, worried that if I stop and we talk that she’ll leave me and my heart can’t take that. So I kiss her over and over, my hands loving the feel of her body against mine, enjoying every kiss she’s willing to give whether this be the first of many or the last of them all. I’ll take what I can get.
She backs away, worn down and says, “I can’t do this anymore.”
“What?” A stupid reply, but I’m frightened of what she’ll say next.
“I can’t fight this anymore. The world is conspiring against me and when I try to gain some perspective, I realize how lucky I am to have these two men in my life, wanting me.” Her back is turned toward me, but hearing about Austin still feels like a punch to the gut. I used to be the only man in her life, the only one who mattered.
I fucked everything up.
“What happened with Austin?” I sit on the arm of the couch, watching her as she walks to the windows and gazes out into the darkness. With a glance to the clock, it’s just past midnight, though it feels like everything just happened minutes ago.
She turns, and looks at me. “I won’t go into details, but I’m here, so you should know that we broke up. It would be disrespectful to be here if we hadn’t.”
My heart expands with hope upon hearing that, but I try to keep my expression neutral for
her sake.
With her arms crossed over her chest, she asks, “Why should I trust you, Dylan?”
“Because you know we’re more than just a few years of the past to recollect one day. We’re more than that. We’re each other’s destiny.” I walk closer with caution.
“You throw around the word destiny so easily, like it’s true and there’s nothing else to believe in. You’re so sure now,” she says, wrapping her arms around herself. “But I was sure then and it didn’t matter. You changed the course we were on, altering everything forever, Dylan. Can’t you see that? Can you see how this is all on you? I’ve hurt a man I love tonight because you decided to take fate back into your own hands and alter our lives again.”
“It was selfish, but I realized what I had—”
“I knew what we had!” she shouts, angry. Looking down at the rug beneath her feet, she takes a deep breath. “I didn’t need to fuck someone else to appreciate what I had.” Her eyes dart to mine, burning with intensity. “What do you want from me? I need to know and I need your complete honesty. You didn’t give it to me then, but I need it now.”
“I want a second chance.” My response is too fast and I’m afraid it doesn’t come off as sincere.
“That’s asking so much of me. What if I do give you that and then you realize I’m not the one again? I’m not what you want? What if you meet someone else and want to be with her? These are the things you can’t predict. I had four years to think about it, to figure out that no matter how solid the surface is, it doesn’t mean the foundation isn’t crumbling beneath.”
“I understand you might not be able to forgive me or offer me that second chance. It almost makes more sense for you not to.” I sigh, feeling hopeless. “But I need you to know that I wasn’t living the high life in those years. I worked a lot and very hard. I didn’t go out much. I don’t have any real friends. I have a lot of co-workers and acquaintances. I didn’t date much, despite what you might think. I couldn’t.” I walk even closer, touching the back of her hand with my finger, rubbing softly, lightly. “I fucked everything up, Jules, but I didn’t realize that my life would remain fucked because you weren’t in it. I let my pride tell me to leave you be. I’d hurt you enough until I saw you again that night at the restaurant. That was destiny—”