by Teresa Hill
Which had her thinking of her mother, first a simple if only she could see me now, followed quickly by relief that her mother wasn't there. She'd be drunk by now.
She and Steve made one more round of the room, accepting congratulations. When he slipped away to deal with a business associate, Julie walked onto the terrace. The path through the extensive formal garden was discreetly lit and looked inviting. She needed a moment to herself, but hadn't gone five feet when she heard footsteps behind her. Sighing heavily, she braced herself for making nice to one more person.
Then she turned around, and there was Zach.
"Julie." He took her by the arm, steering her more deeply into the garden and away from the house.
She stopped on the other side of a six-foot hedge and snatched her arm away. "What are you doing here?"
"Relax. I didn't even go inside the house, just followed the path around to the terrace. I was sure you'd come outside sooner or later."
"If Steve sees you, he'll have a fit. Do you really want to ruin this for me?"
"Of course not. I just needed a minute. You didn't give me your phone number, and it's not listed in the book. I thought about coming by the store, but Steve works there, too, right? I guess I could have left a message for you at the store, but I really didn't think you'd call me back. So here I am."
"Why?" she asked.
"I need to tell you one thing. That's it, and I won't bother you again, okay?"
She looked at him warily. "Steve and I are engaged now. It's official."
"Good for you," he said.
But already, she felt like everything she'd ever tried to run away from was grabbing at her, like a dozen unseen hands.
"Hey, nobody died or anything like that." Zach took her hand between his, and no matter how much she didn't want him there, for a moment his touch felt like the kind of anchor she'd always needed in her life.
"Then don't tell me," she said. "Do you think anyone back there's wasted a moment worrying about whether I'm okay?"
"I don't know, but I think you're better than them."
Trust Zach to find just the thing to say to get to her. Still, she was determined. "I'm done trying to fix their messes. I've been doing that since I was eight or nine years old."
She'd made excuses and apologies by the hundreds. Lied like a pro. That's where she'd learned how. When things were good she worried about keeping things running smoothly and her mother and stepfather sober. When things were bad she tried to figure out how to make them good again. She never let herself relax.
"I'm afraid your mother's been working at one of the local banks and some money turned up missing," he blurted out.
"She stole money from a bank?"
"Looks like it." Zach frowned, hands shoved deeply into his pockets.
"Sorry."
"Why? You didn't take the money."
"Force of habit, but it still doesn't matter. That's the beauty of being a woman from St. Louis who has no family."
"Julie, the evidence shows your stepfather was involved, too. I know the county attorney. Let's just say I know things I shouldn't about the case. They're headed for an arrest, and when that happens..."
"Oh." She got it now. Julie spotted a stone bench a few feet away and went to it, sinking down on the cool, hard surface. "What's going to happen to Peter?"
"That's why I felt like I had to tell you. Stealing from a bank is no small thing. Getting them out of jail is going to be expensive, if they can even make bail. And in the meantime... Peter."
"Where will he go?"
"I don't know. I thought you might," Zach said. "Is there anyone else? A relative somewhere?"
"There must be. Not on my mother's side of the family, but on my stepfather's side somewhere. But I don't remember names or where anyone was from."
"If they can't come up with anybody, he's looking at foster care. Who knows? Maybe he'll get lucky. I know social services would try, but..."
"But there aren't a whole lot of foster kids who end up as lucky as you."
"That's for damned sure," he said.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to imply you were lucky for what you went through."
"No, I was better off. I consider myself very lucky. But Peter..."
"What about your parents? Are they still taking in foster kids?"
"From time to time. Unfortunately, they have two little girls right now. Sisters. A sexual abuse case. It was a cousin of theirs not much older than Peter who did it. Social services won't allow them to take a boy of Peter's age into their home now. It would be too difficult for the girls."
"Well, there has to be someone..."
She willed herself not to picture her brother's face when he was little and scared. When her parents had done something crazy or the house had been in an uproar. When he was crying and looking to her to make it better. There'd been times when he'd clung to her, like she were the only solid thing in his world. She'd dried his tears, cuddled him close and lied to him, telling him everything would be okay.
And then she'd just left. Years of trying to hold everything together had worn her down. She couldn't do it anymore, and Peter... Well, things had changed between them. By the time she left, he hadn't thought of her as his savior anymore, and she hadn't been capable of saving anyone but herself. Surely there came a time when she was allowed to do that. To save herself.
She looked around the garden and up toward the house, all the twinkling lights and soft voices. She'd made a place for herself here. It was the best place she'd ever known.
"There's nothing I can do, Zach."
"Sure there is," he shot right back. "You can go back there and see him through this."
"No, I can't."
"What's stopping you? The guy you think you want to marry?"
"He thinks I don't have any family. I can't tell him now that I do and that they're embezzlers." She could imagine how that would go over with Steve and her future in-laws.
"Tell him whatever you have to, Julie. Lie if it comes down to it. You're good at that."
She flinched as she stared up at him. He had never been cruel before.
"Shit, I'm sorry. Really, I am. I had no right to come at you that way. Kids being abandoned, no one to help them... That sort of thing has always gotten to me," Zach admitted. "I know this is everything you've tried to get away from all these years, Julie. I understand that. But Peter... Can you really turn your back on him now?"
"I wouldn't be any good for him," she said. "I don't know anything about taking care of a kid. Plus, I might as well be a stranger to him. He probably hates me for leaving him all alone with them."
"He won't be in a position to turn you away. He won't have anyone else."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I can't go back there."
He laughed, a humorless sound. "So am I."
They stood staring at each other. When she couldn't take the disappointment in his eyes for one more moment, she turned to leave, but hadn't taken three steps when she ran right into Steve.
She stopped short, staring at him. Zach came around the corner, nearly running her over. The two men glared at each other. Steve had her arm in a punishing grip, and she was practically sandwiched between the two men once again, as she had been in the restaurant.
"You're going now, I assume?" Steve said.
Zach hesitated, glancing pointedly at Julie and then her arm. "You going to be okay?"
"She'll be fine," Steve answered for her.
"I will," she reassured him. Steve would never intentionally hurt her. His hold was loosening already.
"All right," Zach said. "I guess that's it. Bye, Julie."
"Steve," Julie began as Zach disappeared into the night, "I can explain."
"Not now. We have guests. We're going to the house and pretend nothing happened out here—"
"Nothing did."
"And when everyone's gone," he said, his voice turning harder and even more unforgiving, "you can say whatever you want, and I suppose I'll liste
n. But right now I don't want to hear a word about it."
So she pasted on a smile and pretended nothing was wrong, as she'd done so many times in her life. The party turned interminable. Her feet ached. So did her head. She'd have a bruise on her arm, she feared, but it wasn't like she'd never had one before. It had just been a while. She'd forgotten how it felt. The way you carried the mark around with you, feeling it and then seeing it long after the argument was over. The way it made you remember, when you wanted to forget. The way it made it harder to pretend.
Finally, the party was over. She and Steve said good-bye to his parents, and walked together to his car. He opened the passenger-side door for her and, once she'd climbed in, shut it behind her, a display of courtesy she found ridiculous at the moment.
She sat in the plush leather seat and hung her head. This kind of control scared her a bit. She wasn't sure what lurked beneath it. She and Steve had seldom disagreed about anything.
Without a word, he drove her to her apartment, parked and cut the engine.
"I'm sorry," she began. "He just needed to tell me something."
"And he had to do that at our engagement party?"
"I didn't even give him my phone number, Steve. It's unlisted. He said he thought about coming by the store, but he knew that would upset you—"
"So he thought sneaking around in the dark at our party would be better?"
"Something happened to someone I used to know. And Zach thought I needed to hear about it."
"Something?" he repeated. "To someone you can't tell me about?"
"Does it really matter? It's all in the past—"
"Right now it's very much in the present. It's our engagement party. I found you hiding in the dark with your hands all over another man."
"I..." She had to think. What had they done that he could have possibly misconstrued? "He held my hand for a minute. I was upset. Then he started to walk away, and I stopped him by putting my hand on his arm. That was it. Steve, I've told you. Those people... They're nothing to me. I haven't been back in eight years. Nothing could drag me back to Ohio again—"
"Ohio?" He zeroed in on that. "What the hell is in Ohio, Julie?"
She gaped back at him.
This was beneath a liar of her caliber.
"I don't..." What could she say? No little lies sprang to mind.
Julie was practically struck dumb. It was the Zach curse. He seemed to short-circuit that instinctive skill she had at evasion and deception. All her wires got crossed, and it took a while before they straightened out again. She should just hide after talking to him and give herself time to get back to normal.
"What's in Ohio? Zach, right?" he asked.
Give it up, Julie.
Zach had said that to her so many times.
What was the use in fighting it now?
"Yes. He's never lived in St. Louis," Julie admitted. "And neither have I."
Steve laughed again. So many people were laughing tonight who were clearly not amused.
"I just... It's just a place where I lived, Steve. That's where I knew Zach and his family. But I don't want to have any ties to that place anymore, and I liked saying I was from somewhere else."
It had been false security, at best, but she'd take any sense of security she could find.
"I'm sorry," she said.
Steve nodded. "Me, too."
"Can I... Would you like to..."
"Get out of the car, Julie."
"But—"
"What I'd like is for you to get out of the car. Now."
* * *
He hadn't asked for his ring back. She thought about that later as she lay in bed, curled up into a miserable ball. Of course, he might ask tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next.
The phone rang shortly after she got home. Startled, she took a breath and picked it up. "Steve?"
"No," a deep, soothing, familiar voice said. "Zach."
"Oh. Hi. I... I didn't think you had my number."
"I didn't, but I called in a favor from a guy I met on the local police force while I was looking into the Tony Williams case. Told him I was worried about a friend and needed to get in touch with her."
"Oh," she said again.
"Guess I should have done that in the first place, huh?"
"It's not your fault." All he'd done was try to help her, time after time.
"You okay?"
"Yes," she said, then ruined it by starting to cry.
"He didn't hurt you?"
"No." But she was crying so hard, she had trouble making him believe her.
"Julie, I'm going to come over there, okay?"
"No." That was the last thing she needed. Okay, maybe she would like it. He'd hold her while she cried, and she wouldn't be so alone. He'd done that before, when things were really bad. She knew of no place that felt as safe as Zach's arms. She'd found that out as a little girl. But she couldn't allow herself that comfort tonight. "With my luck, Steve would find you here, and all hell would break loose."
"Okay. If you're sure. But promise me he didn't hurt you."
"I promise. He didn't. He wouldn't. He's not like that, Zach."
"Okay. Sorry I messed things up for you."
"You didn't. I did that all on my own."
"Julie, if you go home, Grace is there. She'll help you. Emma's there. My parents are there. I'm there every now and then, and all you ever have to do is call me, and I'll help you."
Which only made her cry harder.
"It doesn't have to be like this for you," he said. "You're better than this. Stronger. Tell the guy the truth, and if he can't handle it, to hell with him."
"He's the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"Surely not. Surely there's something better for you than this, somebody you have to lie to for him to accept you."
If there was, she feared she'd never find it, never make it work.
"Julie, please," Zach said. "What can I do?"
"Nothing. There's nothing anyone can do," she said as she hung up the phone.
Chapter 4
It was a tense week.
A problem cropped up with one of the stores in Birmingham. Steve went himself to fix it. Julie got a few curious looks around the office. Gossip had it that either she and Steve had fought, or the problem in Birmingham was more serious than he'd let on.
She kept her head down and the makeup heavier than usual, trying to hide the dark circles under her eyes. She had a knot in her stomach and a permanent ache in her head. She jumped practically every time the phone rang, thinking it might be Steve, finally ready to talk.
One afternoon, her assistant buzzed and said someone was on the line claiming to be an old friend. Julie braced herself, expecting Zach, or maybe her mother. If her mother did get arrested, she'd try to track Julie down to post bail.
But the voice on the phone was Grace's.
"Hi, stranger," she said. "I couldn't believe it when Zach told me he'd found you. I want to hear everything. Zach said you're engaged?"
"Yes. To my boss." It was such a cliché. Picked up by the boss.
She told Grace all about Steve, all those things she always said about him. Solid. Dependable. Steady. The most even-tempered man on earth.
"But... you love him, right? You said everything but that."
"I do," she said with only the slightest hesitation. He was everything she needed in a man. "What about you? I meant to ask Zach, but we got sidetracked by other things—"
"About your parents," Grace said gently. "I'm so sorry about that."
Julie shrugged. Dismiss. Deny. Go on. She had the drill down pat. "Par for the course with them."
She supposed in a normal conversation the next question should be whether they'd been arrested, but she really didn't want to know. Plus she had other things to take care of.
"Grace, I'm so sorry about the way I left and for not ever calling or writing. I... It's no excuse, and God knows you deserved better. You were always so nice to me. I just didn
't know what else to do. One day I decided I couldn't stay another minute, and I left. I should have at least said good-bye, but I knew you'd talk me out of running away if I gave you the chance."
"I missed you," Grace said. "I thought about you so many times, wondering what happened to you and hoping you were okay."
"I am," Julie claimed. "I'm just fine. But tell me about you."
Grace said she'd been a perennial student, earning a master's in fine art in the States and then studying for years in Europe. Painting, sculpture, architecture, they all interested her. She'd come back to Ohio a few months ago and decided she wanted to know more about her mother's work, stained glass.
"I'm glad you're so happy," Julie said. "And that things are going so well."
"I'm happy for you, too. And I'm afraid I have to go in just a minute. But I did want to ask one more thing. A favor."
"Anything," Julie said.
"Go see my big brother, okay?"
Julie took a breath, thinking, Anything but that. But how could she say no? Besides, there was something about the way Grace asked... "Something's wrong, isn't it?"
"I just haven't been able to get him to talk to me lately. I swear he calls when I he knows I'm not here and leaves messages about being busy and promising to get back to me later. And then he doesn't. None of us have been able to get him on the phone for a real conversation in weeks. I mean, he gets this way in trial sometimes, but... this is different."
"What's different?"
"The last six months have been tough. His... Well, our biological father got out of jail, and it's been..." Grace took a breath. "It's something I never really thought I'd have to deal with. I guess I should have known I would, at some point. But it kind of sneaked up on us all, and it's been hard on Zach."
"Oh." As Zach had reminded her that first night in the restaurant, he hadn't had a perfect life. For so long it had just looked like he did. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"No way you would have, unless Zach told you, and I don't think he talks about it with anyone."
"He's always seems so together, so invincible," Julie said. "I forget sometimes that he's human like the rest of us."
"Me, too. We went to see him... That man. I'll never call him my father. He wanted to see us, and we didn't want to go. But after a while, we decided to just get it over with, all of us together, so he couldn't take us by surprise later. We made it clear that we didn't want any further contact with him."