by Sky Corgan
“Please, forgive me, Ember,” he begs. “I need your forgiveness. I don't think I'll ever be whole without it.”
The connection I feel with him right now is something I haven't experienced since we were children. When I stare across at him, I see my own reflection. Two broken people just trying to get past the wrongs that were done to them.
The moment is so intense that it strikes at my very core. My heart aches for both of us. I bite the inside of my cheek until it bleeds just to keep my eyes from watering. He was always the strong one when we were kids. Now it's my turn.
I try to keep the quivering from my voice as I speak. “I don't know if I can forgive you, but I want to.”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. I know it's not the answer he wanted to hear, but it's the best I can give.
“I understand. Just remember that harboring resentment towards someone else is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die from it. I don't want this to continue poisoning your life, as I'm sure it has.”
“That's a Nelson Mandela quote. Or close to it.” I smirk. “I personally prefer this one. Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you. Ovid, Metamorphoses.”
Nelson opens his eyes and smiles. “An appropriate quote. Also what comes before it. Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.”
“It appears you've become well read over the years.”
“I had to find something to consume the time when I wasn't destroying my body and mind.”
As we look at each other, I feel a sense of peace. Never had I imagined that I could be sitting here sharing a civil conversation with him—that we'd be able to be in the same room without me screaming seething hatred at him. It's almost surreal.
“I should go.” I stand, not wanting the moment to be ruined. While there's little threat of that happening, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
Nelson walks me to the door. When we get there, and I step outside of the room, I turn to him to say my goodbyes. There's still awkwardness between us, but it's nowhere near what it was before.
His expression is genuine. “I love you, sis. I'll have Alex text you my phone number. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask. I'll do what I can to make up for the douchebag I was in the past. Of course, you can always feel free to drop by before we leave town.”
“When will that be?”
“I think in about a week and a half. Our job here is almost done.”
I nod solemnly. Part of me is sad that he's leaving. If he stayed, maybe we could take the time to repair our relationship further. I know that's not realistic, though. Staying on the road is the best thing for him. Being with Alex. Alex will take care of Nelson the same way he did me. He'll keep Nelson grounded.
“Alright. Take care of yourself, okay.”
I get the faintest urge to hug him, but I end up waving instead. Baby steps. We're just not there yet. Even though many of my walls got broken down today, I don't feel comfortable enough to hug him. Maybe someday...after a few more years of healing.
There's a lightness in my step as I return to my car and drive home. It feels like another weight has been lifted off of my chest. Like an onion, the layers of dry, useless bitterness are being peeled away to reveal something fresh and clean beneath.
When I get home, I sit on my sofa and try to watch television. The only images playing in front of my eyes, though, are of my past. I keep thinking about how Nelson said he'd never be whole without my forgiveness. It makes me wonder if I'll ever be whole even if I forgive him.
There's so much pain that will never truly go away. My baggage will follow me until the day that I die. Scabs can heal, but scars never go away.
The more I think about it, the darker place that my mind goes to. While things with Nelson are close to resolved, I worry about how my past will continue to affect my relationship with Colton. There will always be conflict with my family. I will likely never be able to take him home to meet my parents because I'm ashamed of them and am still on the same path of avoidance that I took with Nelson. There are still so many hurdles that I need to climb over.
Colton doesn't have these problems. From what I know of him, the worst thing that has happened in his life was the abortion. And he had wanted the kid. How would I feel if I were to become pregnant? I know firsthand that having a child when you're not financially prepared isn't fair for both the parent and the child. My struggles growing up were proof of that. My parents never should have had kids. Ever.
There's no doubt in my mind that Colton would step up and take financial responsibility. If we broke up afterward, he would probably even fight for custody. I don't want to imagine that scenario, though. I would rather think about the two of us parenting as a couple, but even then I have my doubts. My mother was horrible. Both of my parents were horrible. What if I turned out like either one of them? I definitely inherited my father's temper, though nowhere near to the same degree. Knowing that makes me terrified of becoming a parent.
It's a dumb thing to think about so early in the relationship, but the thought is definitely there. That and a million others negatively pecking at me. Like how Colton is stable and I'm not. Like how anything can trigger me at any given moment and my first instinct is to push him away. Like how I've made so much progress sexually but there's no guarantee that I won't regress.
When I stand us side by side comparatively, he's leagues too good for me. I got lucky when he walked into my life—when he tore down my walls and took control. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, but I can't help thinking that I'm bad for him.
I revisit my feelings about Alex when I still lived in Salisbury. It's the same thing all over again. Thoughts of self-doubt and worthlessness are creeping in and taking over.
Colton deserves someone with a good career. Someone mentally stable. Someone who won't push him away. He needs someone who will be ready to start a family—someone who won't doubt their ability to be a good parent. Someone who knows what it's like to grow up in a loving home and can instinctively provide the same to their child. Someone who is less quick to anger.
Colton needs someone who isn't me.
I allow my thoughts to poison my mood until I'm a crying mess. By the time I go to sleep, I'm convinced that Colton would be better off without me—that I should be alone until I've had time to fully get over my issues and figure out what I really want from life.
The angel on my shoulder tells me that sleep will make things better—that I've had a hard afternoon, and these are the unexpected aftereffects. But the following morning I don't feel any different. I know in my heart that everything that's gone on lately has been too much for me to handle. I need to take a full step back and re-evaluate my life. And I can't do that if anything or anyone is clouding my judgment. For the sake of my sanity and doing the best thing for Colton, I need to let him go.
***
The avoidance train takes off from the station. I prove to Colton that I'm a liar when I said I wouldn't push him away again. Every time he sends me a new text message, I ignore it. It's the easiest way to break up with him, in my opinion, but I know better than to expect him to go down without a fight. He cares about me too much, and that's what makes this hurt so badly. I just hope that someday he understands I did this because I care about him too—because he deserves the best and I'm not it.
My stress level stays at a ten while I go about my days waiting for the moment when he shows up on my doorstep. It doesn't take long. Two full days and nights without contact and I hear the gut wrenching sound of my doorbell ringing. Silently, I pray that it's Alex. I'm not that lucky though.
I open the door with a deadpan expression. Colton looks as handsome as ever, and my heart yearns for him the second I lay my eyes on his face. His hands are stuffed into the pockets of navy blue slacks. His hair is disheveled, and there are bags under his eyes. It's a sadistic thought, but sleeplessness is
a good look on him.
“Hey. Are you alright? You haven't been responding to my texts. I was worried that something happened.” Even his voice sounds tired.
“I've been fine,” my tone is clipped.
“Thank God.” He sighs, genuinely relieved. When he tries to step past me to come inside, I block his path.
“Can I help you?”
He raises an eyebrow. “I haven't seen you in almost a week. Is it a crime that I want to spend time with you?”
“Half a week,” I correct him. My heart is drumming so hard that I hug myself in fear it might jump right out of my chest. What I'm about to say can't be taken back. If I want any hope of salvaging my relationship, then I need to be kind, not cruel.
He deserves better. You're doing this for him. You will never be the woman that he truly needs.
Thinking that flips a switch on inside of me. It changes me from being the pathetically vulnerable girl that I've become since falling in love and puts me back into Beast mode. This is going to hurt more than anything I've ever done, but I have to get it over with so that the healing process can begin for both of us.
It takes everything in me to keep from trembling as I force the words out. “I thought that when I didn't respond to your text messages, you'd figure out that I'm breaking up with you.”
“What?” He quirks his head back, confused.
“I changed my mind. I decided that Alex is a better fit for me.” I can't even look at him as the lies spew from my lips.
“But you said—”
“I know what I said.” I hold my hand out to shut him up. “I was wrong. You could never understand what I've been through. He can.
“I know this sucks, but you need to just accept it. We've already consummated our relationship. It's done and over with.”
“Consummated your relationship.” He couldn't sound more disgusted if he tried. His expression is a mix of anger and devastation. Mostly devastation. And that kills me. “You're lying.”
“I'm not lying.” I shake my head.
“It took you forever to sleep with me. I highly doubt you're just going to jump right into bed with him.” He points down the corridor as if Alex is standing at the end.
“Alex and I have known each other for years. I had only just met you. It makes sense that I would wait to have sex with you but not wait with him.”
“You haven't spoken to him in what...three years? That makes him a stranger to you all over again.”
I sigh, tired of trying to fight my way through his logic.
“We've been spending a lot of time together. It didn't take long for everything to come back.”
A vein in his neck bulges as he takes a step back and nods slowly. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest from the distance between us.
“So I guess that's it, then.”
“That's it.” The trembling inside of me finally reaches the surface, though I'm somehow able to keep it at a visual minimum. “I wish you all the best in the world, Colton. You—”
“Oh save it.” He lets out a loud huff and turns away from me. “If you truly believed that, you wouldn't have cheated on me.”
Then he's gone.
I stand there listening to his footsteps. Each one draws a tear down my cheek. Each one chips another piece of my heart away. By the time I can't hear him anymore, there's nothing left. I can't even find the energy to go inside and close the door before I collapse into a heap of uncontrollable sobbing.
***
I just want to die. That's the best way to describe how I feel. No other emotion will cover it. I don't know what's holding me together—what's keeping me from walking out into traffic without a second thought. Perhaps it's the paralysis of my own pain.
Ever since Colton walked out of my life a few hours ago, I've just sat on the sofa in my living room staring at the blank television screen and feeling the warmth of my tears as they drip down my cheeks in a steady procession. My mind is trapped replaying the moment when he walked away—when I felt like I lost everything that mattered to me. Now...nothing matters. I don't care if I live or die. I don't care about my job. I don't care about all of the huge leaps I've made in recovering from my past. Everything in me revolves around the pain I'm feeling right now.
There's a knock on the door. My heart leaps up to my throat as my head snaps to look at it.
The first thought that enters me mind is that if it's Colton—if he's returned to try to win me back—I will fall to my knees before him, confess the truth and beg for his forgiveness. Even if protecting him by pushing him away seemed like the right thing to do, I can't stand to bear this pain anymore. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced.
Please, God. Let it be him.
I climb to my feet and walk towards the door. Each step is taken with more haste. It's like there's a string attached to the door, pulling me faster and faster. A string attached to my heart trying to get back to its match.
I don't even look through the peephole before I fling open the door. Then disappointment swells in me as I see Alex standing on the other side. Despite the fact that I don't hold any ill will towards him, I can't help but frown.
The smile he was wearing instantly contorts into concern. “What happened?”
“I don't think I can talk to you right now.” I turn from him, feeling utterly defeated.
When I try to close the door, he wedges his foot inside so that I can't. Anger pushes its way to the surface, but it bursts like a bubble when I look at his face and remember that he does actually care about me. There's no reason for me to be cruel to him too.
“Talk to me. You're in pain right now, I can tell. I might be able to help.”
I sigh and open the door. “Come in.”
He walks behind me, keeping close. It doesn't feel right. For some reason, breaking up with Colton seems to have heightened my senses. Having another man close to me is disturbing...because it's not him. I want it to be him. I wanted it to be him so badly.
By the time I reach the sofa, the waterworks have turned on again. I'm not sobbing, but my face is a drippy mess. I sniffle and wipe my eyes with the back of my arm.
“Tell me what happened.” Alex sits on the sofa beside me. He rests his arm across the back of it but keeps a safe distance.
“I broke up with Colton,” I can barely get the words out.
My eyes stay fixed on his face, waiting to see some sign of happiness. This is exactly the type of news he should be thrilled to hear. If he is pleased with the information, though, it doesn't show.
“Why?”
“Because he deserved better.”
Alex rolls his eyes at me. “That's bullshit.”
“It's not bullshit.” I ball my hands into fists on my lap.
“Ember, you are one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. You're strong and smart. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
“You don't understand.” It's quickly becoming apparent that letting him in was a bad idea. I have no interest in hearing what he has to say.
“Then make me understand. Did you do something wrong?”
I wrap my arms around myself more for comfort than protection.
“I pushed him away. Repeatedly.”
“You're dealing with a lot of shit right now. That's your coping mechanism. If he doesn't understand that, it's his loss.”
“He did understand it. He understood it, and he accepted it, and he was willing to work with it.” I shake my head at myself. “I pushed him away because I didn't want to drag him into my drama. He didn't deserve that. His life is so perfect. I don't want to be the one to muddy it up.”
“You love him, don't you?” He smirks but looks a bit sad.
“I did it because I love him.”
“I don't think that's true.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think you did it because you're protecting yourself from loving him. Because maybe you're not ready to let someone else in.”
His words
make sense. They also don't change my mind that I did the right thing.
Alex reaches over and takes one of my hands, pulling it into his. My body tenses. Here's the moment where he hits on me. This is where he seizes his opportunity, and I freak out, and we get into a fight over it. This is definitely not what I need right now.
“Ember, you need to understand something. These are demons you're going to have to deal with in any relationship. Your past will always be your past. And no matter who you date, you're eventually going to have to let them in and explain this part of you.
“The way you talk about this Colton guy...he seems like a good guy. I can tell that you're head over heels for him. And telling yourself that you're not good enough for him isn't a good excuse to push him away.
“If he thought you weren't good enough for him, he wouldn't be with you. If he wasn't prepared to deal with your problems with you, he wouldn't be with you. From what you've told me, he hasn't even tried to walk away once. It's all been you.
“Whether you believe it or not, you are good enough. You're every bit as deserving of love and affection and a wonderful relationship as every other good person in the world. Don't stand in your own way of finding happiness.”
By the time he finishes talking, tears are streaming down my face again because he makes so much sense. I got into my own head, let my poisonous thoughts trump logic and ruin the best thing I've ever had. I'm crying because I fucked myself over and there's no way to fix it.
“It's too late.” I pull my hand away from him, hugging myself even tighter. The pain I'm feeling inside is about to rip me apart.
“It's never too late.”
“But it is. I told Colton,” I sniffle, “I told Colton that I cheated on him...with you.”