Losing Herself: Surrender

by Roberts, Alicia

  Emily cleaned up quickly, shocked at what she had just done, and feeling slightly disgusted with herself. What had gotten into her? But she knew what it was – it was the thought of being with Nate, the fact that it would be a reality soon, that was driving her crazy. Now she could admit to herself how badly she wanted him, and she couldn’t wait till he claimed her the way he wanted.

  Chapter Five

  Emily couldn’t sleep that night. She stayed locked in her room, feeling the lust throbbing in her veins, wondering if she’d just imagined the meeting with Nate. He hadn’t touched her, he hadn’t kissed her. He could have taken her then and there, but he was making her wait. Emily thought about how much she wanted him, and what she wanted.

  She stayed up till three a.m., imagining everything they could do together. At one point, she pulled out her vibrator, stripped off her clothes, and toyed with herself until she orgasmed violently.

  Afterwards, she sat up, and began typing away furiously. The words poured out of her – she wanted Nate, she wanted him in every way possible. She wanted to please him, and she would do anything he wanted, and give him anything he wanted. If he wanted her body, it was his; if he wanted her heart, it was his. She would do any explicit act he could think of, and she described quite a few of them for him.

  It took only an hour to write everything down. Emily finished the email with “I’ve just finished pleasuring myself to fantasies of us together. Yours – Naked, dirty, wet and horny. Emily.”

  After she finished writing, Emily found that she had become very, very wet again. She saved the letter to her flash drive, closed the laptop, and began to touch herself. She imagined Nate feeling aroused after reading her letter. “You dirty slut,” he’d tell her, “You’re a tease, you need to be punished.” Emily squeezed her breasts, rolled them under her hands, and squeezed her nipples, imagining it was Nate. She imagined him taking her breasts into his mouth, sucking them, nibbling them. She slid her hands along her belly, and dipped them lower, and used her vibrator to tease her clit as she stroked her swollen lower lips. She slid one finger inside her drenched pussy, then two, then three at a time. As the vibrator teased her swollen bundle of nerves, she stroked herself rapidly, faster and faster until everything inside her exploded and came rushing out of her in a burst of happiness.

  Emily lay in bed, breathing heavily, and feeling happier and more relaxed than she had in a very long time.

  It was too late to get to sleep, so Emily got up, showered, tidied her room, and got dressed. When she emerged from her bedroom at 6:30, she found Isabel having breakfast in front of the TV.

  Isabel glanced at her curiously, and said, “You’re up early again. Do they make you get to work at 7?”

  “No.” Emily shook her head. “I just wake early sometimes. I might as well get to work.”

  “I came home at 2 a.m. and saw your light on. Did you get any sleep at all?”

  Emily smiled and avoided the question. “What did you do till 2 a.m.?”

  Isabel rolled her eyes. “What else? Try to meet the perfect guy.”

  Emily worried that she’d be late, or at least, too late to get on the elevator with Nate. But she couldn’t help ribbing Isabel just before she stepped out. “And did you meet anyone perfect enough?”

  Isabel snorted. “No, just a bunch of broke losers. And I need a man who’ll commit, not some sleazebag who’ll dump me after the first night.”

  “Sometimes hot sex is good.” Emily giggled. She sounded so unlike herself – but she felt like a completely different person this morning. She’d gone to work yesterday the same, boring, shy girl. But by the time she got home she was a horny mess, a woman who was desperate to be fucked. She needed a man to give her an orgasm, to show her what mind-blowing sex really was.

  Isabel raised one eyebrow. “What happened to you?”

  Emily laughed. Nate had happened to her – and he hadn’t even really happened yet. But she wasn’t about to share that news with Isabel yet so she just shook her head. “I was being silly.”

  “I hope that’s all it is. I know you’ve never brought a man back home since moving in with me, so I hope you’re not being seduced by some sleazy old man. You know, you’re so young and innocent, it would be too easy for someone to take advantage of you. He’d promise you the world and give you nothing.”

  “But you bring guys home sometimes, and then I never see them again.”

  “That’s different. I’m experienced enough to have no-strings sex. You’re just an easy target for douchebag, and you believe in silly things like love at first sight. You’d get your heart broken and be miserable.”

  Emily shook her head. “I have to go. See you tonight.”

  She could feel Isabel’s eyes on her as she walked to the door and stepped out. A two-minute conversation was all it had taken for Isabel to crush her high spirits.

  Emily mused bitterly as she headed to work. Was Isabel right? Was she really being foolish to want to be with Nate? After all, he was her boss. She might lose her job for this. And he might just break her heart – he did seem so easy to fall for. Had she fallen for him already? She tried to do a pulse-check of her emotions, but everything was blurred together.

  ***

  By the time she got to 590 Madison Avenue, Emily was racked with doubt. On the one hand, it seemed like a terrible idea to sleep with her boss. On the other hand…

  On the other hand, Emily really really wanted to have proper, grown-up sex. She was tired of the fumbling boys of her youth, and she was distrustful of the strange men in dark bars. Nate exuded an intensity and power that she wanted to experience physically. If she could just keep her emotions out of it, there was no way she could get hurt.

  As she headed towards the building entrance, she saw a familiar figure stepping out of a chauffeur-driven Bentley, and smiled. When their eyes met, she felt a jolt of electricity travel down her spine, and she waited for Nate to catch up with her.

  They walked towards the elevator and Nate said, “You’re late.”

  Emily laughed. “What’re you talking about, I’m early.”

  Nate looked at her and smiled. There was something predatorial about his grin, and Emily was hit with a crushing realization.

  “I thought I should get face-time with the boss,” she admitted. “I didn’t want the job going to Brandon, that’s why I used to wait for you in the morning.”

  “I hoped it was something more. I missed seeing you the last few days.”

  “That’s why you called me up to your room?”

  They stepped into the elevator and Nate turned to Emily. There was no-one else in there with them, and Emily wondered if he would move closer to her, maybe kiss her, or stroke her neck…

  But he didn’t step closer. He looked at her steadily and asked, “Did you write the email?”

  “Yes.” Emily rooted through her bag. “I put it in a flash drive, I can give you the drive –”

  “No, email me as an attachment.”

  “Ok.” She looked up at him and decided to ask. “I’m not going to lose my job over this am I?”

  Nate shook his head. “As long as you deserve the job, it’s yours. We’ll make you full-time when the internship ends.”

  Emily’s heart leapt, but then she remembered Isabel’s words: He’ll promise you the world and give you nothing.

  Nate narrowed his eyes. “You trust me, don’t you?”

  The elevator dinged and the doors opened. They were at the 41st floor. Nate stepped out and turned back to talk to her, holding his hand against the doors so they wouldn’t close.

  Emily always had a hard time hiding her emotions, and she knew that Nate could see what she was thinking. She dropped her eyes and said softly, “I’m not sure. I don’t even know you.”

  The silence seemed to go on forever, and then Nate said, “I see. Well. This won’t work if you don’t trust me.”

  Nate let go of the doors, and was about to turn away, when a flash of anger hit Emily. S
he grabbed the elevator doors and said, “I don’t trust you? You don’t trust me either. The whole email thing is just a record so I can’t say later that you harassed me.”

  Nate was silent for a second, and then started laughing. “You’re not as naïve as you look. Alright then, we’ll forget this ever happened. It was a mistake thinking you ever wanted me.”

  His eyes raked down her body, making her feel hot with desire. Get a grip, she told herself.

  Emily wanted to say, “I do want you”. But she cared about her future, and getting an internship at Alpha Investments had been a stroke of good luck for her, a stepping-stone to a proper career. She couldn’t lose that. So instead, she said, “Do I still work here?”

  Nate shook his head, no. “I was afraid something like this might happen. I’ll have to let you go.”

  “That’s not fair. You can’t just fire me – I’m a good analyst.”

  “You are, and that’s why I’ll tell my friend Eric at Laurent Investments to hire you full-time. You’ll get your job, and we’ll never see each other again.”

  Emily felt her throat go dry. This was exactly the type of opportunity she’d been waiting for. A full-time job as an analyst at a hedge fund. It would lead to bigger things, and the kind of glamorous New York lifestyle she’d always dreamt of.

  She should have felt excited and happy. But all she felt was a knot in her stomach, tying itself tighter and tighter.

  Nate was staring at her, waiting for her to say something. But the words didn’t come out, they didn’t even form in her brain. Finally, she managed to choke out, “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

  Nate nodded curtly, and then he was gone. The elevator doors closed, and Emily found herself making her way to her tiny cubicle.

  Chapter Six

  Emily went through the day feeling completely distracted. All she could think about was Nate and the terrible feeling in her stomach. Getting her first real job shouldn’t feel like this.

  She sat through lunch feeling distracted, barely able to focus on the conversation. All she could think about was that she’d made a mistake. She couldn’t believe that Nate would want to hurt her, and she regretted saying no to him. As soon as she got back to her cubicle after lunch, she emailed Nate:

  Sir,

  Please forget what I said in the elevator this morning. I’m sorry, I was wrong. I trust you.

  I am not interested in the Laurent Investments job.

  The requested document is attached.

  It was vague enough while being specific. She cursed Isabel for scaring her, and she told herself that Nate would accept her apology.

  The day passed terribly. She checked her email every five minutes, but there was no reply.

  ***

  A week passed. Nate didn’t reply to her email. But nobody from Laurent Investments called her either.

  Emily went home every day feeling sick, convinced that she’d lost both her first job offer, and the man who made her insides melt. She emailed him again – just one line to check if he’d gotten her first email. But that got no reply either.

  Finally, a week after sending the second email, she decided to go up to his office and speak to him. It was evening, and most of the employees had gone home, but Emily had a hunch that Nate would still be at work. When she turned up on the 41st floor, Tiffany stared at her in surprise.

  “Is Nate in?” she asked, undaunted by Tiffany’s withering stare.

  “Yes, but he’s too busy for you.”

  Emily stared at the icy blonde, and then walked up to Nate’s door and knocked.

  After a short pause, his voice drifted out. “Yes?”

  She opened the door and stepped in. Nate was in a meeting with three men she didn’t know.

  “Oh.” She felt foolish and unprepared. “I’m sorry, I though you weren’t…”

  Nate’s eyes were blank and unemotional. “Wait outside,” he said curtly. “I’ll call you in when I’m free.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Emily closed the door behind her, and sat on the sofa in the reception area. She stared at her feet, wishing she’d brought her phone with her. Tiffany ignored her studiously.

  After a few minutes, the three men Nate had been talking with emerged, and Nate walked them to the elevator without glancing at Emily. He didn’t look at her on the way back either, and simply walked back to his room and shut the door behind himself.

  The minutes ticked by slowly, and Emily was beginning to wonder if she should just go an knock again. Finally, Nate opened the door a crack and poked his head out.

  “Come in,” he said.

  Chapter Seven

  Once she was inside his room, Emily started to speak, but Nate Held up a finger to silence her, and pressed a button on his phone.

  “Yes, Nate?” It was Tiffany’s saccharine voice on speakerphone.

  “You can go home now.”

  “Ok, thanks.”

  “See you tomorrow.”

  “Bye.”

  Nate disconnected the line and looked at Emily who was standing awkwardly. “It’s late,” he told her. “Are you sure you know why you’re here?”

  Emily nodded mutely.

  Nate went and sat down at his desk, and looked up at her coolly. “Say it.” His voice was hoarse, and his eyes had darkened.

  “I want you,” she said. “I want you to do whatever you want. No strings attached.”

  A brief flicker of surprise passed over Nate’s face. “You don’t want strings?”

  Emily shook her head. “No emotions. I can’t get hurt.”

  Nate lowered his voice. “I’d never hurt you.” He took a walked a few steps closer. “Take off your clothes,” he ordered, “I want to see you.”

  Emily looked down shyly and unbuttoned her blouse. Her fingers fumbled, and she finally pulled it off. She slid down the zip on her skirt, and slid it down her legs and stepped out of it. She didn’t want to meet his eyes, but she could feel his gaze drinking her in.

  “And the bra.”

  Emily reached behind and unclasped it, and then pulled it off. She stood there in her high heels and panties, desperately trying not to cross her arms and cover her nakedness. She had dreamed of showing herself off for Nate, but standing here now, she felt shy and embarrassed. Her breasts felt heavy and her nipples had hardened in the cold.

  “You’re beautiful.” Nate’s words were barely above a whisper. “Look at me, Emily.”

  She looked up and met his glance. His eyes were dark with lust and admiration, and she felt flattered by what she saw.

  “You spent the last few days toying with me,” Nate said. “So before we do anything else, I need to punish you.”

  Emily’s eyes widened in delight and anticipation. “How, Sir?”

  Nate moved closer to her. He grabbed a bunch of her hair roughly, and pulled down, forcing her to look upwards at him. “Has anyone ever spanked you, Emily?”

  “No sir,” she gasped.

  Nate let go of her hair and stepped back. “That’s a surprise.” He seemed genuinely taken aback. “You have such a gorgeous ass. And you seemed like a natural submissive.”

  Emily found herself touching her ass subconsciously. “I’ve never been spanked, sir.”

  Nate smiled. “Would you like to be?”

  Emily looked down, feeling unsure of herself. On the one hand, the thought of being spanked by Nate was arousing. But on the other hand, she didn’t know if it would hurt, and she didn’t know if she’d like it.

  Before she could say anything, Nate interrupted her thoughts. “I guess you don’t have a choice. You’ve been naughty. You deserve a good spanking.”

  And then his hand was on her arm, pulling her towards his desk, and then she was being pushed down. “Grab the other end,” Nate said hoarsely, “And spread those gorgeous legs.”

  Emily did as he said, her thoughts too jumbled up to make sense. She was thankful she was still wearing her panties – it would be just too embarrassing if he’d
asked her to show him her pussy. Nate had one hand on her back, pressing her down, and she was aware of the cool, smooth wood against her nipples, her breasts squashed underneath her. She was bending at the waist, and she felt Nate run his other hand across her ass cheeks.

  “Gorgeous,” he breathed.

  And then, before she could think any further, he raised his hand high and brought it down sharply on her delicate flesh. Emily squealed out loud, but Nate continued to bring his hand down on her soft ass cheeks, spanking her thoroughly and efficiently. His hand struck a different part of her ass cheek each time, and soon her skin felt hot and sore and flushed.

  Emily groaned as Nate’s hand came down on her. She felt thoroughly chastised and humiliated, and she wriggled in pain. But Nate held her down firmly, and her spread-eagled pose made it impossible for her to escape the sharp slaps. Even worse, she was getting wet, and as the spanking continued, her arousal grew. After a while, her mind was a blank, but her senses were heightened. She was aware of Nate’s large hand spanking her bottom, the way her nipples felt against the table-top, the way Nate’s cologne smelled. She kept her eyes tightly closed, and the groans escaped her unbidden. She felt her juices flowing out, and her pussy throbbed and ached for more.

  Finally, it was over. She felt Nate rubbing her skin, squeezing her soft ass cheeks gently.

  “How do you feel?” he asked.

  Emily took a moment to recollect. It was finally over. She felt relieved that it was over, but kind of sorry as well. She was drenched, and desperately in need of an orgasm. More than anything else, she felt sore and humiliated.

  “I’m sorry I was naughty,” she said softly. “My ass hurts.”