Baby on Board (Single Wide Female & Family #2)

by Lillianna Blake

  “I’m not really supposed to drink coffee while I’m nursing. I mean some people do, and some people don’t, but with her reflux I think it’s probably better to avoid it.”

  “Oh, still spitting up a lot, huh?”

  “Not as much as before, but yeah, it’s made the weight checks a little nerve-wracking.”

  “Well, you could always feed her a little rice cereal to fatten her up.”

  “No, that’s not really okay until at least six months.”

  “Nonsense, I was feeding you gobs of mashed potatoes when you were two months old. You loved them!”

  I raised an eyebrow. “So my love affair with food started pretty early, huh?”

  “Oh no, you can’t blame me for that. I always fed you healthy meals. You liked to sneak snacks.”

  I gritted my teeth and counted to ten. “Well, I’d like to follow the current recommendations.”

  “Okay, if you’re fine with her spitting up all the time.”

  My cheeks flared. My heart pounded. I tried to resist losing my temper, but it boiled right beneath the surface.

  “I think I will take a short walk around the block. It would be good to get a little exercise.”

  “Good. Abby and I will be just fine. Won’t we, sweetheart?” She kissed the tip of her nose.

  My heart melted at the sight. Yes, my mother had some outdated views on child rearing, but she had good intentions.

  I slipped on some shoes and headed out the door.

  Chapter 4

  I didn’t get to the end of the driveway before anxiety seized me. Was I really going to leave my baby? I hadn’t yet, not even for an hour.

  I froze at the end of the driveway and took a deep breath. Only then did I truly come up for air.

  For the past six weeks, every single minute had been about Abby. Sometimes, I managed a thought or two about Max, but none about me. I’d promised myself before I had the baby that I wouldn’t lose myself in motherhood, yet there I was, attached to the house as if it was connected to me by an invisible umbilical cord.

  Abby would be just fine without me. My mother was more than capable of taking care of her.

  So why couldn’t I take a few more steps onto the sidewalk? A deep fear haunted me that something would happen, that Abby would need me and I wouldn’t be there for her. As irrational as it was, I couldn’t ignore it.

  Just one step—that was all I had to take to get out of the driveway.

  But what if there was a fire? What if Abby got hungry early? What if my mother tried to feed her a Popsicle?

  I practically ran back up the driveway and through the front door, just in time to see my mother sit down in the rocking chair with Abby.

  “Samantha, what’s wrong? Did you forget something?”

  “I can’t.” I frowned.

  “Can’t what?”

  “I can’t go for a walk. I can’t leave her.”

  “Oh.”

  I expected my mother to lecture me, or to tease me. Instead, she smiled and stood up.

  She handed the baby back to me and patted my cheek. “Don’t worry, you’ll get more comfortable with it in time. But your mothering instincts are raging right now, and it’s very hard to go against them. I was so protective of you when you were a baby. I wouldn’t even let your father hold you unless he was sitting on the couch with pillows under his arms.”

  “Really?” I laughed and kissed Abby all over her face.

  “Yes, really. He was not too pleased, but he humored me. Of course, nothing terrible ever happened, but I remember when I was worried about the radio being too loud or the vacuum cleaner stirring up too much dust. Abby’s precious, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect her. Just don’t let yourself get bogged down by those fears. Maybe we should all take a walk together? I’m sure Abby could use a little sunlight.”

  “Oh sure. I just need to get her a hat and her stroller cover and—”

  “Okay, you do that. I’ll change her again.” My mother smiled at me.

  As soon as we were out the door, I felt better. Getting some sunlight and fresh air was a great way to loosen the grip of the fog in my mind. We only got around the block, however, before I encountered a horrifying sight.

  A bee.

  “Mom, there’s a bee!” I yanked the stroller back away from the yellow-and-black buzzing ball of death.

  “Relax, Samantha. It’s not going to bother the baby.”

  “It might!” I jogged back toward the house while watching out for any buzzing creatures with bad intentions.

  When I opened the door to the house, I found Max in the living room—in my hot pink pajama shorts with his hands on his hips.

  “You took her for a walk?”

  “Oh yes, I’m sorry. Did I forget to leave a note?”

  “Yes! I almost called 911. How could you do this?”

  “We just went for a walk, Max.”

  “Her first walk. Without me!” He frowned. “I would have gone with you if you’d woken me up.”

  “I wanted to let you sleep.”

  “And miss out on an important moment with my daughter?” He scowled. “How would you feel if I did that to you?”

  “Max, I didn’t think about it, I’m sorry.”

  “Well, there’s no way to change it now. I’ll never get to go on her first walk with her.”

  “There will be lots of firsts. You two need to calm down.” My mother was smiling, but I didn’t think that Max was going to see the humor in the conversation.

  “Calm down?” Max crossed his arms.

  “Mom, please.”

  “Okay, maybe I should take Abby to the store with me while you two battle this out.”

  All at once it struck me that Max and I were fighting over a walk around the block.

  “Oh no, Max.”

  “What?”

  “What are we doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We’re losing our minds!”

  “I just think you should have included me.” He frowned. A moment later his eyes widened. “Oh no, you’re right. We’ve lost it, haven’t we?”

  “I think so.” I sank down on the couch.

  He sat down beside me. “I guess we got a little caught up.”

  “I think so. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you to go on the walk. It didn’t even occur to me.”

  “I’m sorry I got so upset about it. I don’t have to be part of every single first. Besides, we actually did take a walk together when she turned a month old, remember?”

  “Yes, I do. We got as far as the end of the road and there was too much traffic.” I laughed. “I think we need a reality check, Max.”

  “I think you’re right.” He hugged me and kissed my cheek. “But first, I really need some pants.”

  Chapter 5

  My mother stayed the night, and it really did help me tremendously to get a little extra sleep. I found myself more balanced when I woke up the next morning, even though I’d woken up for all of Abby’s feedings.

  That day, my mother and I worked together to get caught up on the cleaning, while Max finished a few projects around the house. Once everything was in order, I felt so much better.

  Abby seemed a bit happier too, as she cooed more than cried.

  “I’ll make us some lunch.” I opened the door to the refrigerator to find that it was practically bare inside. Unless we wanted to eat olives and saggy honeydew, we were going to starve. “Oops—I guess we can order in.”

  “Or you two could go to the grocery store, and I can take care of the baby.”

  “I don’t know if I want to be that far away. What if she’s hungry?”

  “She can be a little hungry, it won’t hurt her any. Besides, if you go now, you should have at least an hour and a half until she gets hungry again. Go! Both of you—you two need this time together.”

  “Max?” I met his eyes.

  “She’s right, Sammy. One of these days we’re going to have to join the res
t of the world again. We might as well practice.”

  “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “But we’ll make it fast—only pick up a few things.”

  “Sure.” Max slipped his hand into mine. “We can do this.”

  “Alright. Yes, we can.”

  Then we walked out of the house, and I turned around and walked right back in.

  “I forgot to say goodbye! What kind of mother am I? What if I died on the way to the store? I never would have said goodbye!”

  “It’s alright, sweetheart. She knows how much you love her.”

  I kissed Abby and held her close, then reluctantly handed her over to my mother. I was sure that she would cry. If she cried, I would have to stay.

  But she didn’t. She snuggled right into my mother’s arms.

  “Goodbye—I love you.”

  “Please go, before you run out of time.” My mother waved me toward the door.

  Max took my hand again and led me to the car.

  When I started to turn back, he steered me toward the car again. “We have to do this or your Mom is never going to leave.”

  “Oh.” I laughed. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “I’m serious, if she tells me one more time that my little girl needs socks on her perfect little feet I’m going to pull my hair out.”

  “Oh no, don’t do that. It’s such good hair.” I stroked my fingers through it.

  He met my eyes. “You haven’t touched me like that since Abby was born.”

  “Sure I have. I must have.”

  “No.” He smiled and kissed me.

  When I broke away, I tried to think of a moment that I’d stroked his hair or caressed his cheek. I could think of plenty of times when I was affectionate with Abby, but not so many with Max.

  “I’m sorry, Max.”

  “It’s okay, we’ve both been busy. But it’s important that we remember we’re a couple too—not just Mom and Dad.” He opened the car door for me.

  “You’re right.” I looked back toward the house one last time before I climbed into the car.

  Once inside, I kept my cell phone in my hand just in case my mother called or texted. I might not hear it in my purse.

  The short drive to the store made me break out in a sweat. Once inside, all I could do was stare at the shelves. What could we possibly need?

  “Max, I have no idea what to get.”

  “It’s okay, I’m a little off too. I guess some bread, sandwich stuff, vegetables, salad, some fruit?”

  “Yes, hurry. Let’s get all of that.” I practically ran down the aisles with my shopping cart and had no idea what I was tossing into it.

  When we arrived at the checkout, my heart dropped. There was only one register open and the line was six deep.

  “Max, let’s forget it. We’ll just leave the stuff here and we can go home.”

  “Sammy, please. I miss her too, but we came here to get food. We need food, honey.”

  “But this is going to take forever.”

  “Sammy.” He kissed my cheek. “She’s really fine.”

  “No, she’s not. My breasts are full. She’s probably starving. I can practically hear her crying!”

  “That would be the woman with the baby up there in front of us.” Max grinned at me.

  “Oh.” My heart melted at the sight of the mother as she rocked her baby, trying to calm him and pay for her groceries at the same time.

  She left the aisle, then the next customer attempted to pay for his groceries with an expired credit card.

  I grew more and more anxious as I watched the clock on the wall.

  When that customer finally finished, the next customer argued over the pricing on one of his items. I was ready to scream when Max leaned close to me and whispered in my ear.

  “Uh, Sammy, I think you might have a problem.”

  “Just because I miss my baby doesn’t mean I have a problem.” I narrowed my eyes.

  “No, that’s not what I mean.” He looked down at my chest.

  “I know they’re huge, Max, but now is really not the time.”

  He cleared his throat. I looked down at my chest and saw two huge wet circles on my shirt.

  “Oh no! I forgot the nursing pads! I must have started leaking when the baby was crying. Hide me!” I ducked behind him.

  “Why don’t you go ahead to the car? I’ll take care of the groceries and meet you there, okay?”

  “Okay.” I frowned and tried to decide whether or not to put my hands over the wet spots. Would it look worse to have big wet circles or to be groping myself on the way out the door?

  Chapter 6

  I decided to wear the splotches proudly and marched out of the grocery store. As I neared the car, however, I noticed that someone seemed to be trailing me. I tried to convince myself that he was just going to his car, but when I stopped at mine, he stopped right behind me. My heart pounded.

  Max was stuck in line. What could this guy want from me?

  “Excuse me, miss?”

  When I turned around, I noticed that he was an older man—maybe in his late sixties or early seventies.

  “Yes?” I blushed, as I knew my shirt was soaked by now.

  “I just wanted to say that there’s no need to be embarrassed about…” He gestured to my shirt.

  “Oh, thank you.” I shifted from one foot to the other.

  “My wife nursed our children and sometimes this would happen to her. It drove her crazy because she loved to wear pretty blouses and many of them got ruined. But I told her, if you didn’t have that milk to flow, you wouldn’t be happy either. So I gave her some of my socks to stuff in her bra and it worked great.” He winked at me. “Hopefully your husband there has some socks you can borrow.” He grinned as he walked away.

  I had no idea what to think. I had to laugh as I pictured him stripping off his socks and passing them over to his wife. It was nice to have someone remind me that even though leaking at the wrong time could be an inconvenience, being able to nurse at all was a beautiful thing.

  When Max arrived with the cart, we put the groceries in the trunk together.

  As he got behind the wheel I looked over at him. “Do you have any extra socks?”

  “On me, you mean?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “I’ll tell you later.”

  When we arrived back at the house Abby was screaming. Not just crying, but screaming. My heart jumped in my throat. I tripped over my own shoes in my attempt to get to her, and Max caught me just in time.

  My mother handed her over to me. “Now, don’t get upset. She just started when you pulled in the driveway.” Abby went from shrieks to complete silence.

  “Wow.” Max’s eyes widened. “I guess she missed you.”

  “More like she missed those boobs. She was pawing at mine!” My mother laughed and shook her head. “I can see why you’re anxious about leaving, but really, she did just fine. But she is just like you, Samantha—a girl who knows what she wants.”

  I smiled at that. I wouldn’t have exactly described myself that way in the past. I certainly had struggled a bit through my own self-discovery in an attempt to figure out what my passion was.

  But in that moment, as I looked into my daughter’s eyes, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be Abby’s mother, Max’s wife, and a writer.

  It felt good to have a solid direction.

  Over the next several months, I got a lot more sleep and we all began to get into a routine. That routine still didn’t include much time for myself though. Abby was doing great, but I was still pretty nervous about a lot of things.

  “I think it’s time I ventured out to a few places with Abby. Not just the grocery store or the park, but places where she can be around other babies.”

  “Maybe a Mommy and Me class?”

  “Yes, I think that might work. I don’t want to keep her sheltered forever. Actually I do, but it’s probably not good for her.”

  “I think it’s a great idea. I have a packed week
with updating the website and doing some work on the server. Did you return those e-mails I told you about?”

  “Oh no, I forgot. I’ll just go do that now.”

  “Okay, good. One of them was about another book tour.”

  “I don’t think we’re ready for that yet.”

  “I don’t think so either, but we might change our minds in a few months, so we need to keep the connections strong.”

  “I promise, I’ll do it.”

  “Good.” He kissed my cheek. “I’m going to run to the store and pick up something special for dessert tonight.”

  “Oh? Like cake?” I grinned.

  “Maybe. Maybe something a little healthier.”

  “Like healthy cake?”

  “Hm, I’m sensing you’d like some cake.”

  “Me? No, I’m back to eating healthy. I have to think of the baby, you know.”

  “Sure. You’re doing a great job, sweetheart. See you in a little bit.”

  While Abby slept, I researched different Mommy and Me classes in the area. It was a bit of a surprise when I discovered just how many different kinds there were.

  Mommy and Me song and dance—of course. Mommy and Me gymnastics—okay. Mommy and Me karate—what? I tried to imagine holding Abby while I did a spin kick. That didn’t seem safe at all. Further down the list I found something very interesting. Mommy and Me massage.

  “Hm. I could use a massage.” I signed up for a class the next day, then checked my e-mail.

  I saw the e-mails that Max wanted me to return, as well as a confirmation e-mail from the Mommy and Me class. I decided to return a few e-mails and also send a few questions to the Mommy and Me class.

  As I typed out the e-mails, Abby began to cry.

  I got up to go check on her.

  Chapter 7

  Abby’s bright eyes greeted me as I walked into the room.

  I plucked her out of the crib and smiled at her. “Did you have a nice nap? I bet you did.” I kissed her nose.

  She giggled and squirmed in my arms.