“That’s the perfect way to describe it.” I flopped back on the bed and closed my eyes.
Chapter 17
My mind raced with a mixture of panic and dread. What if I didn’t have what it took to succeed as a mother or a writer? I’d almost given up on being a good wife. What if it all was just too much for me and I ended up ruining everything?
My eyes teared up again, this time not from pain, but from fear. All at once all of the fears I’d been trying to avoid came rushing toward me.
Everything was on my shoulders—our income, the happiness of our family, the future of our daughter. It seemed that I was the one it all depended on. Sure, Max could go back to work, but then I’d have to hire someone to take care of everything technical, and I didn’t want to have to do that. I loved working with Max and he loved working with me. But if I didn’t get that new book written, I wasn’t going to have a career.
After a few more minutes of sheer terror I talked myself down to a mild anxiety.
Instead of getting the heating pad, I rummaged through one of my drawers for the biggest bra I had. I grabbed a few washcloths and tossed them in the dryer. Then I selected a loose top to wear with some nice pants. It wasn’t exactly business attire, but it would do for the short meeting.
Once I’d changed, I pulled the washcloths out of the dryer and tucked them into my bra. It made my breasts look even bigger, but it also soothed the pain in my nipples.
When I walked out into the living room, Max had Abby dressed and ready to go.
“Thanks, Max—what would I do without you?”
“You’re never going to have the chance to find out.” He stared at me for a long moment. “Sammy, you look really nice.”
“Thanks.” I smiled.
“No, I mean, you look really nice.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me. “Maybe we can work on that date night soon?”
What I wanted to say was, Really Max, have you forgotten about my lava-filled breasts?
Instead, I forced another smile. “Sure, we can talk about it. Let’s get the meeting over with first.”
“Sure.” He stared at me again.
“Oh my gosh, Max, it’s washcloths. I stuffed my bra with warm washcloths.”
“Oh.” He laughed. “I mean, I wasn’t looking or anything.”
“Let’s go.” I smacked his bottom and he yelped.
“Oh, now you’re making a habit out of it, I see.”
“Are you complaining?” I held the door open for him.
“No, not one bit.” He kissed my cheek as he passed by me.
The drive to the meeting felt like forever and my washcloths didn’t stay warm very long.
We were a few minutes late when I walked through the outer door of my publicist’s office.
Abby fussed and reached for me while Max tried to soothe her.
“Maybe I should just bring her in with me.”
“Sammy, I’ll take care of her. I promise. How are your lava-boobs doing?”
“Not great. But hopefully I can get through the meeting.” I kissed Abby’s cheek, which only made her cry more.
Max stepped outside of the office with her while I stepped through the inner door into the private office.
“Samantha!” Jessica smiled as she stood up from behind the desk.
She looked perfect. Every hair was in place. Her outfit looked as if it was designed just for her body.
As she extended her hand to me, her presence exuded confidence and, more than that, excitement to see me.
“Hi, Jessica. Sorry I’m late.”
“Oh, I didn’t even notice. How are you doing?”
“Okay.” I gave her a quick hug and sat down in the chair across from her. As soon as I did, the heat began to rise in my breasts again. I tried to sit still but it wasn’t easy. I could barely focus on what she was saying.
“So how is the new book coming?”
That was it. That was the question that burst the dam. In seconds, tears flooded my eyes, my hands balled into fists, and my entire body trembled.
“It’s not. Not at all. And honestly, I can barely stand being here.”
“Samantha, what’s wrong?” Jessica stood up from her chair and walked around the desk.
When she perched at the edge, I noticed that her stockings had a run in them. I don’t know why, but that made me cry even harder.
Her hand came to rest on my shoulder and she spoke in a low gentle tone. “Get a grip, girl. What’s happened to you?”
“What?” Her words shocked me a little—and silenced my sobs.
“I’m sorry, but you are not the woman I met two years ago when we started on this journey together. You need to snap out of it.”
“I’m trying, but I had a baby and—”
“And what?” She raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t mean you have to lose your backbone. What happened to all that confidence you’d gained? What happened to the I-am-woman-hear-me-roar mentality?”
“I’m just so confused—and tired—and my breasts really hurt.” I clutched them and she laughed.
“Well, I’m sorry about that. I’ve never had kids so I can’t sympathize, but I can tell you this—the only way a woman gets lost if she has a child, is if she lets herself. You have to fight as hard for you as you always did. You fought for your power through your low self-esteem—through all your insecurities—and you earned it. Now you’ve let all that slip away? If you weren’t feeling well today, all you had to do was cancel. If you aren’t getting enough sleep, then find a solution. Get more help. You’re on the cusp of having a great career, Samantha. Why in the world would you let all that be taken away—and then blame a baby for it?”
“Ouch.” I frowned. “I didn’t realize I was doing that.”
Chapter 18
Jessica seemed to be studying me carefully before she spoke again. “I’m not here to sugarcoat anything. Honestly, if you don’t get paid, I don’t get paid. But it’s more than that. You inspired me with how determined you’ve always been—and how you’ve always made things happen. I want to see that again. So you think you can’t write anymore? Maybe you need some baby-free time to be able to write. You think you don’t deserve some time alone to just be who you are? You’re wrong. Just like you would advise a woman who gave all of herself to a relationship, you have to remember that your life is at stake here—your future, your years on this earth. You can be a great mother without sacrificing everything. Don’t you know that?”
“I’m not sure.” I sighed and wiped at my eyes. “I guess maybe I lost sight of how important it is for me to be me.”
“You can’t do that, you can’t lose sight of that. You’ve inspired so many women, and they’re hoping for more from you. Now, I know you may think you’re a writer, but the truth is, you offer a lot more than that. Between the blog and your book signings, you’ve gained a strong following. So what happened?” She sat back against the desk and studied me.
“I guess I’m in an entirely new role now, and a lot of my old insecurities have crept back. Am I good enough, can I handle this, will I be accepted—all of these questions are rolling through my mind lately.”
“Then write about it—blog about it, talk about it. Get it out there. Don’t hide it or hold it in.”
“That’s exactly it, Jessica. I’ve been trying to hide it instead of facing it.”
“Okay, so now you know. Now it’s time to pick up where you left off, hm? Get some time for yourself, no matter what it takes. Get to know you again, and let yourself be who you are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.”
“I think I can do that.” I grinned at her. “I know I can do that.”
“Then do.” She smiled. “I have no doubt you can. When that book is ready, you let me know. You’re in charge here, Samantha. But you have to actually be in charge. Or everything will slip away.”
“I’m going to be. Thanks. I really needed this talk.”
“I’m only giving you a little
perspective. Before you walked in this room you were a mother. Now, when you walk out of this room, I hope you remember to be you first. Okay?”
“Yes.” I stood up and opened my arms to her.
She embraced me and instantly I recalled why I’d shoved washcloths in my bra that morning.
I bit my tongue to hold back a cry of pain and left the office in a hurry.
Max stood up with Abby in his arms. “Sammy, you okay?”
“I need to go to the pharmacy right away, and I need you to watch Abby for the rest of the day.”
“The rest of the day? But what about nursing?” Max followed me out to the parking lot.
“We’re going to break out those bottles again. If she refuses long enough, I’ll be there to nurse her, but I want you to try a few times before you bring her to me. Okay?”
“Absolutely.”
We stopped at the nearest pharmacy and I marched right up to the pharmacist.
He looked over his wire-rimmed glasses at me. “How can I help you?”
“I have lava boobs and I need something to fix it right this second.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Do you want me to show you?” I started to lift my shirt.
“No, that’s just fine. Do you know what’s causing the pain?”
“I’m nursing so I’m guessing it’s a clogged duct or maybe an infection.”
“Alright, let me see what I can do for you.”
He asked me several questions about my symptoms. Then he directed me to an over-the-counter cream. “This should help. If you don’t find relief in a few days, you really need to make an appointment with your doctor, though.”
“Thanks, I’ll take two.”
“Well, you shouldn’t need two.”
“I’ll take two.” I narrowed my eyes.
“Okay, two it is.” He rang up the cream.
As I paid for it, I glanced over at Max and Abby.
Only then did I realize why I had such a hard time writing, even when Max was taking care of her. I trusted Max, and I knew he loved spending time with Abby, but I still felt guilty when I wasn’t with her. That had to change.
I didn’t want my little girl seeing her mother stress and struggle. I wanted her to see that a woman could do anything she put her mind to.
I smiled at Max.
He smiled back.
We didn’t have to discuss things to understand each other.
Chapter 19
That afternoon, after I’d coated myself in cream, I locked myself in my room with my computer. Instead of sitting right down with it, I put on a yoga video I’d been meaning to do for months.
I didn’t need to rush to write. I had the entire afternoon.
First, I had to take care of me. My body needed to be awakened, as did my mind and my spirit.
As I rolled through the movements, I could feel parts of myself opening up that I hadn’t even realized I’d shut down. Pieces of me, ones which I hadn’t even noticed had disappeared, returned and gave me the sensation of security and confidence that I’d been missing.
By the time the video was finished, I felt more centered and motivated. I felt connected, not to my computer or the keys that I typed on, but to the readers that awaited my next book. Maybe there would be thousands, maybe there would only be a few, but the words I typed were crafted just for them—and for me.
There were no standards I had to meet, no expectations that I had to live up to. I didn’t have to become the perfect mom, and I didn’t have to be the perfect wife. I didn’t have to be bitter or angry. I didn’t have to feel lost or isolated. I had control, and I could decide what would come next for me, not only in the next year, but in the next moment and in the next moment after that.
Moment by moment, I was remembering who I was and how I’d chosen to live my life. Rejuvenated by bursts of energy and clarity, I plowed through chapter after chapter in the new book. I didn’t delete, question, or edit. I just wrote what was in my heart, what was in my imagination, and what was happening next for my character in her world.
At one point, I did hear Abby fuss, and then again a little while later, but that didn’t slow me down. I didn’t have to worry; she was with Max, who was perfectly capable of caring for her. She wouldn’t remember me walking away from my work to rock her, but she would remember her mother succeeding and providing her a good life, while she had a little more time than most babies got with her father. There was nothing wrong with that. I knew that now.
When I finally emerged from the room, I didn’t feel frazzled or overwhelmed or disappointed. I felt triumphant and ready to dedicate my focus to my family.
“Hey.” Max smiled at me and I noticed a glint in his eyes.
“Hey.” I held out my arms to Abby.
She stretched her hands to me and my heart filled with warmth.
“You look gorgeous, you know that?” Max handed the baby over to me. He kissed my cheek and allowed his lips to linger for a moment close to the curve of my ear.
Sparks shot through my body. There it was—that intense attraction I thought had waned due to motherhood. It wasn’t missing in action because Abby nursed too much or because Max didn’t find me as attractive as he once did. It had been missing because I’d let myself crawl back into a hole of self-doubt and fear. When my mind and body was consumed by that, there was no room for desire.
“Is she due for a nap soon?” I kissed Abby’s cheeks and hugged her close.
“In about an hour. You missed lunch. You must be hungry. I can make an early dinner.”
“Oh, I’m hungry alright.” I quirked a brow.
“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll get dinner started then.”
“Sure, I’d love to taste whatever you’ve got cooking.” I licked my lips.
“I wasn’t planning anything fancy. Is chicken and rice okay?”
“I’ll devour whatever you serve.” I grinned.
“Okay.” He tilted his head to the side and stared at me. “Are you alright?”
“I will be, once Abby takes a nap.” I winked hard.
“Do you have something in your eye?” He reached up to brush at my eyelashes.
“Max!” I laughed and carried Abby over to the couch.
“What? You’re just acting a little odd.”
“I’m not sure how I can be any more clear.”
“I know you’re hungry but I’ve been busy with the baby. I’ll make dinner right now.”
“It’s not that.” I grinned and settled Abby on the couch beside me so I could tickle her belly. “It’s not food I’m hungry for.”
“Huh? Do you want ice cream? We have plenty in the freezer.”
“Jeez, it has been way too long, hasn’t it, Max?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” He crossed his arms and glowered at the floor.
I could see that this was going in the wrong direction. Maybe Max had become so accustomed to my turning him down that he didn’t even notice my advances.
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Max. I’m trying to say that I would like your company once Abby goes down for a nap.”
“Company?” He eyed me for a moment. “To watch a movie?”
“No.”
“To fold the laundry?”
“No.” I laughed.
“What then?”
“For a passionate encounter…”
“Oh.” He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Wow, I wasn’t expecting this. I’m going to need some time to get myself ready.”
“Huh?”
“I haven’t shaved.” He rubbed his chin. “And I need a shower.”
“Why don’t I handle dinner then, hm?”
“That would be great.” He kissed me and rushed off to the bedroom.
I picked Abby up and carried her into the kitchen with me. I sang to her and bounced her as we prepared some of the food, then I put her down on the floor with some cups and pots to bang.
Chapter 20
All through dinner Max and I gazed at each other. He made every excuse he could to touch my hand or lean in closer to me. Just the sensation of him looking into my eyes stoked an already intense passion within me.
After dinner I nursed Abby and put her to sleep in the nursery. It wasn’t the first time that she’d slept in her room, but I still felt a tiny pang of guilt as I shut the light off.
I crept into the bedroom and just as Max wrapped his arms around me, Abby wailed.
“I guess I put her down too soon.” I sighed and turned back.
“No, wait, I’ll get her. You get comfortable.” He kissed me as he passed by.
I stretched out on the bed and tried to put everything out of my mind—everything other than my feelings for Max. I really wanted to give us both the luxury of undivided focus.
A few minutes later Max returned.
“She’s asleep.” He jumped onto the end of the bed.
I laughed as he gazed at me with saucer-wide eyes. “Are you tired? Do you need a massage?”
“I’m not tired.” I smiled and patted the bed beside me. “I’ve been looking forward to this.”
“Sammy.” He crawled up beside me and kissed the side of my neck. “I don’t mean to be demanding but please tell me you’re not teasing me. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.”
“I’m not teasing.” I kissed his forehead then looked into his eyes. “I love you, Max. You’re the most attractive man I’ve ever met, and I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to be in bed with you right now.”
“Oh yeah?” He grinned and twirled a strand of my hair. “Do go on.”
“I can’t wait to feel your touch, to be wrapped up in your arms, to hear your heavy—”
Abby began to cry.
Baby on Board (Single Wide Female & Family #2) Page 6