by Brianna Cash
“Here, put these on,” she demands, shoving a pair of heels into my hands. It’s only a small heel, only two inches, probably the smallest she owns. “You need to walk around in them. Get comfortable. You don’t want to fall in front of his friends, do you?”
“No.” I squeeze my eyes shut tight, panicking at adding one more uncomfortable thing to my already drastically foreign ensemble. “I can’t do the heels. I’ll do everything else, but I need either a wedge or flats.” She grumbles, disappearing back to her room to find me something else.
I’m terrified. Downright terrified. Walker knows me. We’ve talked about everything under the sun several times. But I’m meeting his friends tonight, and there’s this pressure for me to impress them. I have to make them think Walker is lucky. I have to make them think I’m good enough for him.
Because I feel like I’m not.
I know I’m pretty; I’ve used my looks to my advantage many times. But rarely do I ever put this much effort into my appearance. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I had to. Tonight, I feel like that. And that makes me incredibly nervous.
Callie comes back with some strappy sandals that should work. They have a wedge heel, but again, it’s not high. I’ve cursed Callie’s shoe collection many times over the years, but tonight, I’m grateful for it. Sliding my feet into the sandals, I stand up and do a little twirl that lets way too much air breeze across my ass. Callie nods her approval. “Out of curiosity, you have a sexy pair of underwear on, right?”
My eyes search for her as I spin around to face her. “You told me it wasn’t too short!”
“It’s not. But you do, right?”
“Of course! Whenever you have a dress on and you’re out with a guy, you have good underwear on. Did I teach you nothing?”
“About guys and sexy underwear? Not really. You were always telling me that guys only want one thing and you should never, ever give them that one thing.”
I’m so nervous and scared that I’m horribly emotional on top of everything else. Looking at my little sister, who really isn’t little at all, I suddenly pull her into my arms and hug her tight. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a hypocrite. You’re not totally screwed up about guys and sex and love, are you?”
“Are you fucking crying?” she asks, a horrified expression on her face.
“Why are you swearing at me?”
“You never cry, Gen. Never.”
“I’m not,” I insist, letting her go while I blink back any moisture that may be clouding my vision. “Why are you avoiding my question?”
Callie crosses her arms over her chest, mad at me for some unknown reason. She finally sighs, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. “I’m not totally screwed up. Just a little.”
“Aww, Callie… I’m so sorry!” I gush, the tears almost spilling over onto my cheeks.
“I was joking! And you are crying! What the fuck! Just when I thought I could count on you…” She throws her hands in the air and stalks out of my room.
Shit. I obviously screwed up somewhere…
Moving back to the mirror, I try to wipe my eyes without smearing my makeup. Callie did an awesome job and I do look fantastic. I’m just feeling super vulnerable, and now I’m crying, so I’ll look fantastically emotional with red rimmed eyes.
A knock at the back door comes a few minutes later, and I hear a brief exchange between Walker and Callie. One of the first things out of her mouth is an incredulous She’s fucking crying! Walker chuckles, making me wonder what the hell is going on with those two. Never did I think Walker would laugh at hearing that I was crying. Maybe I’m wrong about all of this.
Maybe I’m wrong about him.
Then he’s knocking on the open door of my room, leaving me no time to consider that heart-stopping thought. Wiping my now-dry eyes one last time, I turn around to find him staring at me like I’m a stranger.
“Holy shit, G. You look amazing. Are you trying to pick up someone else tonight? You don’t have to dress up like this for me.”
“I want your friends to think I’m good for you.”
“Genny, my friends are gonna thing you’re too good for me.” He walks into my room, his eyes looking me over again as he gets closer. “Can I kiss you? I don’t want to ruin your makeup.”
“If you don’t kiss me, I’m not going.”
There’s that smile I love. His hands are gentle on my face, pushing into, but not through my teased and curled hair as his lips meet mine. “I missed you,” he whispers against my mouth and I resist the urge to tell him I missed him, too.
Maybe that was my big mistake. Telling him I thought I might love him. Most guys would be running scared after that. He’s still around weeks later. I just need to reel in my emotions and my clinginess.
“You just saw me last night, Friend,” I remind him between soft, sweet kisses.
“Yeah, but not this morning or all day today.”
These types of comments melt my heart. I lock my hands around his neck, pulling him closer and pressing my entire body against his. “Are you staying tonight?”
“I would tell you yes, but after seeing you in this dress, I’m gonna tell you there’s not a chance in hell I’m letting you out of my sight until you’re showing a hell of a lot less skin. And I wouldn’t mind some time in between now and then when you’re entirely naked, but only if we’re alone in this house when it happens.”
His fingers skim the bottom of my ass underneath the hem of this short dress. Pulling his mouth away from mine, he grabs my hand. “We need to get out of this room or we won’t be going anywhere tonight.”
Once we get out to his car, he opens my door for me, but catches both my hands in his. “Are you ok? Callie said you were crying.”
This is much more the response I would expect. “I’m a little emotional tonight.”
“Why?”
I silently remind myself it’s nothing. Walker doesn’t act like he isn’t interested in me. Walker acts like he’s head over heels in like with me. It’s just all my insecurities trying to sabotage everything I’m feeling for him. “I’m just nervous to meet your friends. I want to make you look good.”
“Genny, they’re gonna love you. Kane already loves you. And if the others don’t, they can go fuck themselves. I don’t really care what they think, ok? You’re amazing and I know that. That’s all that matters.”
I nod, trying to convince myself as well. “You’re right.”
“Are you sure that’s all that’s going on?”
“Yeah. I’m good now.”
He doesn’t believe me.
He shouldn’t.
It’s the first and only time I’ve lied to him.
Regret immediately overwhelms me, making me feel like I just broke my own heart by lying to the person I’ve come to trust more than anyone else. He must see it on my face, because he sits me down in the passenger seat of his car and squats in front of me, searching my eyes. “What’s going on, Genny? This isn’t you.”
“I’m sorry,” I hiccup. Stupid fucking tears! “I just lied to you.”
“I know. I just don’t know why.”
The first few tears get swept away by his thumbs while I try to get myself under control. It’s not working, though. I’m too worked up. I can’t even swallow around the lump in my throat that’s only getting bigger with each breath I take to try to calm myself down. My chest is tight with emotion that I need to let go of and I’m practically hyperventilating before I realize what I need to do.
I need to let it all out.
I’m going to ruin my makeup and Walker’s going to think I’m a psycho, but it’s the only way I’ll be able to stop the emotions that are threatening to consume me.
“I just… need… to cry,” I manage to get out. “I’ll explain… why… after.”
“Whatever you need. Just don’t lie to me.”
Nodding, I tuck my chin and let it out. I sob and cry, my breath hiccupping in my throat, my tears dripping down my cheeks
. Walker pulls me out of the car, sitting in my seat and cradling me onto his lap, holding me tight as I cry.
And cry.
And cry.
Talk about embarrassing. This is not wheeling in my emotions or my clinginess. This is flaunting all my insecurities and bawling like a freaking baby.
But it lets me get to a point where it’s over. Where I finally feel like myself again. I’m no longer nervous, I’m no longer questioning everything, I’m no longer wondering if Walker actually likes me or is just playing some game with my heart.
His hand is stroking my hair when my tears stop and my breathing finally returns to normal. He looks down at my red, streaky, most likely racoon-ish face. I hurt him. I can see it in his clear, hazel eyes that are looking so worriedly at me. Not knowing where to start or how much to tell him, I swallow nervously.
“I think I messed up,” I achingly confess.
“You did. When you lied to me five minutes ago.”
“No, before that.”
“Come one, G. Out with it. You’ve got me really worried, and we don’t have all night to figure out whatever it is you’re trying to tell me.” His words are harsh, but his tone is soft. His hands are gentle, holding me close, protecting me from whatever I might need him to. He doesn’t know what I’m afraid of, but he’s still here to shield me from whatever it might be
I’m totally and completely in love with him.
Letting my fingers run over his face, I realize just how much of an idiot I was. “I started to question… this. Us. And it’s because I’m stupid and insecure and sensitive, just like you told me I was.”
“I never said you were stupid, G. Far from it.”
“Yeah, because you’re perfect. And I’m this messed up girl who uses sex as stress relief and doesn’t let anyone in because then they might know me and all my weaknesses. But if I don’t let anyone in, I’m never gonna find out what love is. And if I don’t wait for you, I’ll never know how great a real relationship could be.”
Walker presses his lips against my forehead, totally confused. “When did you mess up, Genny?”
I’m not making any sense. I don’t know how to tell him what I’m just figuring out. I don’t know how to put it into words. So I’ll just talk until it makes a little bit of sense, because that’s all I know how to do right now.
“I thought if you liked me, you’d have sex with me. But you won’t. And I got it in my stupid head that maybe you didn’t like me, not really. You liked me a little, but not enough. You were just testing out the waters, getting your feet wet, so to speak. And I went and told you I might love you, and then I pushed you into doing things with me that you didn’t want to do that soon. So, maybe the reason you were holding back was because I wasn’t good enough for you. But if I impressed your friends tonight, maybe they would tell you I was good enough, and maybe then you’d have sex with me.”
“Genny, sweetheart, if this is all about sex-”
“Shh.” I hold my finger up to his lips, not done with my explanation yet. “But then I lied to you. And I hate myself for that. I don’t want to lie to you, I trust you! If I’m so screwed up in my head that I’m forgetting that, something is wrong! And you were so sweet to me, all the time and just now. You let me cry, and you held me and protected me like no one has done since… since… well, since it wasn’t just me that took care of everything.”
Blinking my eyes, I try to figure out what exactly I’m trying to tell him. His eyes are still mine, still worried, still confused and I shake my head against them; I’ll search his eyes forever if he lets me and that won’t get us anywhere.
“You’re wonderful to me, Walker. Really, the best thing that’s happened to me in as long as I can remember. It doesn’t matter why you won’t have sex with me. It can’t be because I’m not good enough. I let you see the real me and you stuck around anyway, so you must like me.”
He’s trying to figure out what I’m getting at with my rambling, but he’s still lost. He’s still worried about me, too, the sweet, caring man that he is. But, I’m good now. I understand it. It took a while, but I’ve finally figured it all out.
“Genny, I still don’t understand when you messed up.”
“My whole adult life,” I admit, wondering why I never realized it before.
“And that has you crying tonight?”
I can’t help the small laugh that bubbles out of me. Sometimes talking nonsense is exactly what you have to do to get it straightened out in your own head, even when it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. “Yes.”
“Can you tell me why again? I’m still not sure I understand...”
“You not having sex with me made me think you didn’t like me. But now I see that you’re just better than any guy I’ve ever known. You have your reasons. I don’t know what they are and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you don’t like me.”
“So, you were crying because you thought I didn’t like you?”
“Pretty much,” I nod, confirming his suspicions and smiling into eyes that’re suddenly questioning my sanity.
“And because I held you when you were crying, about me possibly not liking you, you realized just how silly you were being?”
“Exactly.”
Walker fights the smile forming at the corners of his mouth. He doesn’t want to laugh at me. Especially after the crazy emotional episode I just had. It’s funny, though. I beat him to it and laugh out loud, feeling so much better now that I’ve cried and gotten it out and let it all go.
“Oh, Genny,” he laughs softly against my hair. “I might think you’re a little weird at times, but I promise you, I really, really like you.”
I thread my fingers through his and pulling our hands close to my chest. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”
“I’m really sorry you thought I might not like you.”
“You never did anything that would indicate that. That’s just my own craziness running loose in my head.”
“I’m still sorry,” he whispers, his eyes intent on mine.
“Thanks for letting me cry, I probably ruined your shirt... Crap, I probably look like hell. Callie’s gonna scream at me, she spent forever on my makeup.”
“Your makeup is pretty messed up, but I still think you’re one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”
I relax back into his chest with a sigh. “You need to stop saying such sweet things to me, Walker.”
He gives me a huge grin. “Why do I need to stop saying sweet things?”
Hugging him with all my strength, I pray this isn’t the last time I get to feel his chest against mine as I tell him the exact thing I’ve been trying not to say this entire evening. “Every time you do, I want to tell you I love you.”
“No I thinks or mights this time?”
He’s not freaking out. He’s not pulling away.
Instead, he’s making a joke.
“No. I’m totally in love with you, Friend.”
“I’m not quite there yet, G,” he quietly confesses, regret obvious in his voice.
“It’s ok.”
“Thanks for telling me...” Walker presses his lips against my temple, his hands sliding down my sides to my hips. “Can I come in with you, so you can wash your face?”
Callie’s in the living room when I open the door. Her eyes go to my hand, wrapped up in Walkers, then up to my face, before shooting over to Walker. “You don’t have to rub it in! I get it! She cries! You know her better than I do, God!”
“What’s wrong with you?” I demand. It’s my turn to be confused. She’s been acting so strangely today.
“Callie, I would never intentionally make Genny cry.”
The way Walker and Callie are talking to each other and completely ignoring me pisses me off. I have no idea what they’re talking about, but it has something to do with me crying. “What the fuck is going on with you two?” I ask loudly, glad when both their eyes zero in on me and they stop glaring at each other.
Callie
tosses the book she was reading onto the coffee table, crossing her arms over her chest. “You tell her. She likes you better.”
Walker rolls his eyes, shoving his hands into his pockets. “We have a bet about the surprise we’re planning for you. She bet you won’t cry. I know you’re going to.”
“You’re taking bets on whether or not I’m going to cry at some surprise? Are you guys going to hurt me?”
“No!” they say in unison.
“They’ll be good tears,” Walker explains. “You’ll like the surprise.”
“Oh, Lord… I’ve gotta go wash my face.”
They continue arguing as I head up the stairs, but Walker’s waiting for me in my room when I’m done in the bathroom. All the makeup is gone, and I leave my face bare. I pull off the bracelets and change out Callie’s wedges for my flat sandals. I’m pulling out shorts and a t shirt when Walker’s hands slide around my waist from behind.
“Leave the dress,” he whispers, his voice hot against my ear. “It’s gonna get us out of there and back here a lot faster.”
When he puts it that way…
Spinning in his strong arms, I look into his eyes, seeing no hint of the hurt that was there earlier. He watches me, studying me like he always does. If telling him I’m in love with him is making him act or think differently towards me, he’s hiding it really well.
“Walker?” I ask hesitantly, not sure if what I’m about to offer is something he’s even interested in. “Would you want me to drive, so you don’t have to worry about watching what you drink?”
“You trying to take advantage of me, G?”
“No.” I shake my head, enjoying the humor sparkling in his eyes. “I promise I won’t let us do anything more than we’ve already done. I just want you to relax and be carefree tonight. I want you to let go a little. I want you to feel as happy tonight as I always do with you.”
“Can I trust you with my car?” His eyebrow arches and I huff out an offended breath. He laughs, though, assuring me with another scorching kiss that he’s joking. “I’ll give you my keys once we get there. You know the guys are going to assume we’re late because I couldn’t keep my hands off you, right?”