by Brianna Cash
Even though we’re both adults, and I never wanted to be her role model, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still looking out for her. “As much as it hurts now, I wouldn’t give up the time I had with him for anything.”
“Really? Even after what he said to you?”
Drastically switching topics, I ask, “You know Mom and Dad called me that night? The one before the accident?” Callie shakes her head. “Mom told me she embarrassed you in the food court and you got mad at her. But she also told me that you donated your allowance for the whole month to a little girl that couldn’t walk because of some illness she had.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“She couldn’t believe how generous you were. How you were so worried about this other person you’d never met. You said something to her about how you couldn’t eat candy, but that wasn’t nearly as bad as not being able to walk. She couldn’t get over what a big heart you had.”
“I hated every second of that day,” Callie gushes, guilt and despair all over her face as she gives me her confession. “I was such a brat. She brought up sex right in the food court, where anyone could hear, and I told her she was ruining my life. When we got home, I slammed my bedroom door and wouldn’t talk to her for the rest of the night. I was still mad at her the next morning, and then it was too late. She was gone.”
Callie was just starting to get boobs, and mom took her out to try on and buy bras, had the period talk with her, and started bringing up sex. Mom called me that night and told me about it. It was a rare moment for me, because I just laid on my bed and let her ramble on, actually listening to everything she was saying. Dad talked to me, too, and I got to tell them both I loved them before I hung up. I never thought it would be the last time I talked to them. I never thought I wouldn’t get to hear their voices again. I never thought I’d be so grateful that I answered the phone that night, instead of just sending it to voicemail like I did so often in those first few weeks of school.
I was a brat, too. Just a much older one.
“Do you think Mom would’ve given up that last day with you?”
“No,” she chokes out, her tears overflowing now. “She wouldn’t have given up a second of her time with me. Even the days when I was an ungrateful little bitch.”
“Because she loved you, Callie. So much.”
Just like I loved Walker. But the time to make a point is over. It’s now time to console my sister, so I pull her into my arms and hug her as tightly as we wish we could do with both of our parents.
Callie sobs into my shoulder, making my own tears fall harder. “I never got to tell her I was sorry. I should’ve told her I loved her. I should’ve told her she was the best mom ever. I should’ve told her how much she meant to me!
“She knew you loved her. So did Dad.”
“What did Dad say?” Calvin says, his voice low and unsteady as he makes his presence known. I don’t know how long he’s been standing there listening, but I don’t care. I reach out and grab his hand with a watery smile. I should’ve shared this with them years ago, but my last moments with my parents were so much better than theirs. It didn’t seem right to shove it in their faces.
“Dad was bitching about you not wanting to hunt with him.” Calvin scoffs and we all let out a small laugh. “But he said he wished you could understand it had nothing to do with killing the animal. It had everything to do with sharing that time with you. He had no idea how to connect with you, because you two had nothing in common. You lived for animals, while he loved hunting and fishing. But he thought you could relate to the beauty of spending time in the woods and admiring the animals on their own turf. He didn’t care if you both went in the woods and didn’t even take a gun. He just wanted that time with you.”
Calvin sniffs and squeezes my hand, then leans into our little Stottler mountain. “You’re not the only one who regrets their last words, Cal. I called Dad a murderer.”
It’s the little things we do that we think nothing of, that end up hurting us the most. The things we believe because we don’t want to even realize there’s another side to things, another perspective. We believe there’s always time to make things right. We forget that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. We forget that everything we love can disappear in the blink of an eye and we should cherish every second we have.
“Guys,” I pull them both in closer, kissing Calvin on the cheek, then Callie. “In case I don’t ever get the chance to tell you, or I forget, because I’m really bad at expressing my feelings, I want you to know I love you. So much. I’m so proud of both of you. And I know I fucked up a lot over the years, and most of the time things weren’t easy, but I’m so glad we stayed together. I’m so glad we have each other now. I’m so glad we’re closer now than we were before.”
“I’m so sorry you had to give up everything for that to happen,” Callie whispers, and I take my own unspoken advice. I shift perspectives. I force myself to look at it from a different angle. I force myself to see the silver lining, instead of the dark cloud hovering over my small, little, saturated world. The dark cloud will move on. It can’t rain every single day for an eternity. It’s not possible. Mother nature doesn’t work that way, and neither does life. There are ups and downs, and it’s my choice how I react to any of it.
“Maybe what I gave up wasn’t nearly as great as what I gained.”
A miniscule amount of oxygen gets sucked into my desperate lungs.
My new perspective gave me a coffee stirrer. I’m still underwater, but there’s a tiny hose giving me just enough air that I can breathe a little. That must be the secret. The answer. The way to keep surviving. That’s what I have to focus on.
The silver lining.
Everything happens for a reason. I have no idea what the reason is that Walker and I ended as horrifically as we did, but eventually, there will be a reason. Until then, I’ll keep searching for my inner strength and my silver lining.
As many times as I have to.
Walker
“I’m sick of you acting like this! Either tell me what’s going on or get out of my house!”
Rolling my eyes at my overly dramatic sister, I prop my feet up on her coffee table and proceed to ignore her to watch the game. It’s Thursday night and it’s storming outside. I hung out with her and the kids until the kids went to bed. I should leave, but I don’t wanna go home. Chad’s off today. He’ll be there. I don’t want to see his face ever again.
“Dammit, Walker, what happened with you and Genny?”
I drown out the sound of her voice by turning up the volume. Maybe she’ll get the hint.
“If you wake the boys up, I’ll kill you myself.”
Turning the volume back down, I continue ignoring her.
“If you don’t talk to me, I’m gonna tell Zeke you broke Genny’s heart and he’ll hate you for life.”
“Everyone else thinks it’s my fault, why not him, too?”
Reese sits beside me on the couch, grabbing the remote from my hands and muting the TV. “I don’t think it’s your fault. I don’t know what to think. All I know is you’re miserable, you’re making me miserable when you’re around, and Zeke misses his happy Uncle Walk. Which you are not. Tell me what happened.”
After Callie and Calvin’s little trip to the pool hall last week, even Zander and Heidi are against me. Everyone thinks it’s my fault. But I know what I saw. And if someone wanted me to believe what I saw wasn’t what it looked like, she should have denied it the moment she came back in the bar after being outside with my roommate.
“She cheated on me.”
Disbelief registers on Reese’s face, and I briefly wonder if I should’ve said anything. “Oh my God, really? I never would’ve thought she’d do that. She was crazy in love with you.”
“Not crazy in love enough,” I mumble. Being pissed off and angry at everyone and everything makes me mumble a lot. The problem is, I don’t care if people hear me.
“Did you catch her in the act? I
mean, could there be any other explanation?”
“Close enough to it.”
“Aw, Walker... You really liked her. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Yeah, find me a new place to live.”
She freezes, her eyes slowly raising to mine. Her head shakes back and forth, slowly at first, but then with more urgency. “It wasn’t with Chad.” When I don’t respond, she lets out an anguished moan. “Walker, I’m so sorry. Chad’s messed up everything for us. I swear he’s like our own personal demon. You think you’ve moved on, that you don’t need to worry about him anymore, and then he does something else. What does he have against us?”
“I don’t know, Reese.”
I do, though. Maybe not in Reese’s situation, but in mine it was because he thought I stole Genny from him. And he wanted to get her back, only to prove that he could. That he can get any girl he wants, even if she’s my girl.
Reese doesn’t tell me to leave. She tells me I can sleep on the couch whenever I want.
Walker
It’s been a month. I still think about her every day. Somedays aren’t so bad. I don’t think about her for a while at a time. Like fifteen minutes if I’m lucky, but I have to stay busy. If I’m not busy, she’s in almost every thought I have, so I make damn sure to stay damn busy.
Today’s her birthday, though. And I can’t stop thinking about her no matter how busy I make myself.
It’s a Wednesday night, and I decide it wouldn’t be that awful to drive by her house. I have no idea why I’m doing it. What do I expect to see? Her car in the driveway? Callie’s van in the driveway? Maybe I’ll see a different vehicle in the driveway. Maybe she’s seeing someone. Maybe she’s fucking someone. Or even a couple someones. Maybe it’s really bad idea.
I do it anyway.
There’s a fucking for sale sign in the yard.
What the hell? Where is she going? Did she get a new job? Did Callie move out like she wanted and Genny’s moving closer to either her or Calvin? Did she find some new guy and she’s moving closer to him? Moving in with him? Is she so sick of this town that she needs to get away from it? Does everything, everywhere remind her of me and she can’t take it anymore?
That’s how I feel.
Telling myself it doesn’t matter, I head back to Reese’s. I’ve been staying there whenever Steve is out of town. I’m still not happy Uncle Walk yet, but I’m starting to be able to fake it better. Maybe when Genny’s gone and I can’t find her, it won’t hurt so fucking bad.
Yeah… I don’t believe that either.
Walker
It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen her. Since she cheated on me. Since she made me realize how much I love her by shattering my heart. I’m tossing and turning in my own bed in my own apartment because Steve is in town. I’m glad for him, Reese and the boys.
I’m not glad for me. Chad’s working, so I don’t need to deal with him tonight. I will in the morning.
It’s not like I haven’t seen him. I have. I just want to shove his head through the wall every time I catch even a glimpse of him.
The guys have been bugging me, sending me messages, asking me to hang out with them again. Asking me to even just talk to them again. I’ve been ignoring them since they all told me it was my fault. Assholes. They just want to believe a pretty face.
It’s early. I shouldn’t be lying in bed, but I don’t have anything else to do. I went to the gym, went for a run after the gym, made dinner, watched TV, did the dishes. It’s Friday night. I should be out on a date, trying to find a different girl to love, since the one I fell for couldn’t be trusted. I can’t, though. I compare everyone to her. She’s ruined me in so many ways.
I still can’t fully hate her. That pisses me off to no end.
Hearing my phone vibrate on the nightstand, I reach for it, hoping for any kind of distraction. After unlocking the screen, I stare at my sister’s text for a long time, unsure of how to respond.
Reese: I saw Genny today at the hospital. You’ll be happy to hear she looks like hell. I told her what an awful person she is and that I hope she gets what she deserves.
It doesn’t feel as good as it should. It actually kinda hurts.
Walker: What did she say?
I shouldn’t ask. I shouldn’t care. I should thank my little sister for having my back and go to sleep. But thinking about Genny looking like hell and getting yelled at by Reese just makes my heart twist in a way I wasn’t expecting.
Reese: It was really weird. She asked if I’d heard from Chad.
Walker: Why?
Reese: I have no idea.
Walker
“Walker, hey...”
Glancing over at the girl who’s talking to me, I stop on my way out the door after work. It’s not like I have anything to rush home to.
“Hey, Sam. How’s it going?”
“Good, um. I was wondering if you might want to go to a concert with me? It’s tomorrow night. My friend that was supposed to go, bailed. I know it’s really short notice, but I didn’t know if you were free or not. Or if you’d want to go or not.”
Sam’s cute. She’s nice. She’s had a crush on me since forever. She’s not my type, though. Before it was because she’s too nervous, too nice, too eager to please. She backs down from anything even remotely looking like a confrontation.
Now, it’s simply because she’s not Genny.
On second thought, she’s everything Genny isn’t... Maybe I should give her a chance.
“Ah, I might be able to swing it. Who’re you going to see?”
“Maroon Five. They’re my favorite. I have every song they’ve ever recorded memorized.”
Trying not to sigh, not to close my eyes, not to clench my fists and curse out the girl I love that’s ruining even this for me, I very calmly ask Sam for her number. “I’ll see if I can rearrange some things. I can’t promise anything, but I’ll let you know.”
“Great! No pressure! I mean, I know its last minute and you probably had plans, so… Just let me know. Either way is totally fine.”
“I will, Sam. I’ll text you tonight.”
I go to the damn concert and think of Genny the entire time. And I kiss Sam goodnight, feeling absolutely nothing, even though she’s so excited I know she’s jumping up and down and dancing in her front hallway as soon as I’m gone.
I’m lying, I did feel something.
Regret.
At least it got me out of my apartment for a while.
Genny
I’m still up when Callie gets home. Calvin’s right on her heels and he motions with his chin for me to move off his temporary bed as soon as he’s in the door. He heads upstairs to the bathroom while Callie beckons me to the kitchen. It’s the only room not cluttered with boxes.
Callie’s trying to move out, and I can’t live in this big house all by myself.
Even if moving is the last thing my heart wants to do.
Callie and Calvin go out to the pool hall with Kane and Alex once or twice a month. The nights they go are always rough for me to get through. I’ve been going out to the bar Chad works at every weekend to keep myself distracted. Usually once during the week, too. I’m so tired of it, though. I’m so tired of staying up late, of seeing his face, of hearing his voice, of watching him hit on so many girls. It’s truly amazing how many girls he tries to dazzle with his beautiful blue eyes and panty-dropping smile.
I told myself, tonight, I can take a break.
So tonight, I’m dealing with the heartbreak of my ruined relationship with Walker instead. Because Callie always brings news of him after seeing his friends.
Kane never mentions Walker to me. Kane only mentions Walker if I ask, and I’m way too chicken to ask.
Kane has been amazing to me. He gave Callie his number the first night Callie went out with Calvin to the pool hall, telling her to make me call him. I don’t know why I listened, but I’m glad I did. Someone had some faith in me, even if it wasn’t the person who matte
red most.
Kane challenged me to prove that I wasn’t moping around my house. And that was exactly what I was doing. It took me a while, but I realized me settling into a depression would only give Walker the knowledge of how badly he hurt me if he ever found out. I took Kane’s advice and started trying to live again, even if only by talking to Kane and letting him practice his drill sergeant skills on me. Walker doesn’t need to think he broke me. Walker doesn’t need to think he matters to me at all.
Even if he always will.
“Genny… Kane wasn’t sure if he should tell you or not, so he told me to do whatever I think is best.”
“What’s he afraid to tell me?” I ask, already preparing for the worst. Walker’s rejoined their group. Walker’s back to living again. Walker’s doing ok, while I’m still pretending half the time when my inner strength evades me and that damn silver lining is winning the game of hide-and-seek. I tell myself to swallow down whatever emotions come, because that’s what I do. When I’m tired and I don’t have the desire to keep searching for that silver lining, I swallow all my emotions, so I can get through the rest of the day.
The silver lining isn’t always easy to see. And leaning on my inner strength constantly has seriously depleted my supply.
But this news is so much worse than I was expecting.
“Walker has a new girlfriend.”
Tears burn my eyes as my heart skids across the inside of my ribs, screeching to a halt that steals my breath a few seconds later. I should’ve pretended again tonight. I should’ve waited until tomorrow to hear this news.
No. I should’ve waited forever.
It’ll take me that long to get over it.
Walker