by Brianna Cash
She’s no longer in my peripheral vision, so I stop and turn back to look at her. At where she stopped in her tracks and is finally meeting my eyes. Hers are red, puffy, bloodshot. But they’re also confident and sure.
“And then you shut me out, Walker. You assumed the worst and didn’t even ask me to explain. You said things to me that you should never say to anyone, let alone the girl who just told you she’s in love with you. You always said you weren’t judging me because of my sex life before we got together, but you proved to me that night you were. It was something you couldn’t let go of. My past made you not trust me, even though I did everything you asked me to.”
Throwing her hands in the air, she shakes her head, looking away for only a second before bringing her eyes back to meet mine. “I really don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if closure is possible. But I know that I want to keep seeing your nephews as long as Reese allows me to, and I don’t want it to be as hard as it was last weekend. I can’t go through that every time.”
Genny closes those brilliant, beautiful, green eyes that I miss so much, blocking out the sight of me standing before her, giving her everything I can. Here, in this moment, when I know exactly how much I’ve already lost, she has my trust. She has my love, my respect, my heart. She has every piece of me that has ever mattered.
“Tell me what to do, Walker. Tell me how to get past this. Tell me how I move on from you because I have no idea where to even start.”
Not only do I not know how, I wouldn’t tell her if I did. I don’t want her to move on from me. I don’t want her to find the closure she’s seeking. I want us to move past this, but not in the way she’s thinking.
I’m like her, though, wondering if what I want is possible. She’s right about everything she said. Right down to the fact that we could have had forever, and I took that possibility away from us.
And everything she said just blew anything I thought might have made a difference out of the water.
“Genny, you’re right. About everything. You figured it out long before I did, because I’m only realizing the root cause of all this right now. I knew I didn’t trust you, but I didn’t know why. Before I get to that, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry for what I said, and what I thought. I’m sorry for being so jealous my reasoning skills became that of a three-year-old’s. Even Zeke knows you hear both sides before saying mean things and he’s only five. I’m sorry, Genny. More sorry than you’ll ever know.”
Fresh tears are cutting a new path down her cheeks. She didn’t wear any mascara, and I love knowing that she was willing to be so open with me, so honest with me, that she knew she was going to cry. What I love the most, though, is how she’s not looking away. She’s watching me through those tears, listening to what I have to say, listening to my reasons and my apologies. Listening to me beg her to please, please don’t hate me.
I take a step towards her, and her breath hitches in her throat. I know I can’t touch her, I don’t deserve to touch her ever again, but I want to be as close to her as I can. I want to smell her, I want to feel her warmth, I want to show her I’m here, more than willing to hold her if she wants me to. If she allows me to.
“Genny, the reason I didn’t trust you wasn’t because I judged you, although you’re right. I did. The reason I didn’t trust you is because I knew I wasn’t good enough for you. You’re gorgeous, smart, funny, selfless, strong, independent. You’re so many of the most amazing things… I strung you along, promising sex at some point in the future because I wanted you to fall in love with me before it happened. Because I knew how you treated sex and I didn’t want to be just another guy to you. I wanted to be your guy. I couldn’t believe I got lucky enough that you fell for me. I couldn’t believe that I got to be with this girl, this woman, who was so amazing she could have any guy she wanted, all she had to do was ask. When you walked out of that bar behind Chad, the part of me that hated how great you were and how much I didn’t deserve you took over. It easily convinced me you weren’t as perfect as I thought you were, because I wanted that, I wanted you to mess up. I couldn’t stand knowing how flawed I am compared to how perfect you are.”
She scoffs, not believing my words, just as I knew she wouldn’t. Genny has no idea how the world sees her. She’s always been a beautiful girl, but getting to know her, I quickly realized she’s so much more than the beauty everyone else sees.
“You are, Genny. You’re absolutely perfect. As soon as you walked out of that bar, I realized I was in love with you. I realized it just as I thought I was losing you, and it hurt. God, it hurt so much. So, when you looked like you did, your cheeks all pretty and flushed, like you look after you come, added to the fact that you were nervous? I just knew my worst nightmare was true. And I hurt you back before you could hurt me any more than you already had.”
Sighing hard, knowing this isn’t going where I want it to, I switch gears. This isn’t about how I felt that night. This is about what I did to her. This may be the last time I can truly talk to her. I need to make her see that we can get through this.
If she wants to.
“I hurt us both,” I confess, staring deep into her eyes that haven’t left mine for more than the briefest of seconds since she let me see them. “The minute I realized how much I loved you, I ruined everything we had, which was the best thing I’ve ever experienced. I still love you, Genny. I don’t want you to get over me. I want you to try to forgive me, work with me, give me another chance. I know it won’t happen overnight, but if there’s any part of you that thinks maybe we could still have that forever you wanted before I was such a dick to you, I’m asking you to give me a chance. Give us a chance.”
This time, she does look away. She watches something far off in the distance, chewing on her bottom lip, thinking over everything I said, hopefully thinking of how great we were together. Wiping her hand across her cheek, she meets my eyes again, asking me something I never expected.
“How can you say you love me if you’re seeing someone else?”
Fuck… How did she hear about Sam?
“I’m not.”
She crooks an eyebrow, so I give her more. I give her everything.
“I was, but I’m not anymore. It was literally nothing. I didn’t like her, I couldn’t even stand her. I thought she might distract me from you, because she was everything you’re not. But it didn’t work. I thought about you every second I was with her. Compared her to you in every way.”
“What about you is so flawed?”
“You’re kidding right?”
At the slight shake of her head, I take a deep breath and try to not feel like a total shit for even asking her to give me a second chance as I scroll down through the list. “My temper, my jealousy, how I judged you, how quickly I jump to conclusions, the fact that I sometimes get so mad I forget to hear both sides of the story, how I forced my nephews on you, how I’m entirely selfish and stole you again and again from your dinner nights with Callie, how I asked you to trust me without trusting you in return, the fact that I let you believe I was seeing someone else in the beginning, the fact that I still watch that damn video you sent me because it’s the only way I get to see you, even knowing that you would hate me doing it… Should I go on?”
“No… That’s enough.”
She sighs, still watching me. I probably shouldn’t, but I don’t know that I’ll ever have another chance, and I feel like I owe it to my sister.
Plus, I’m curious as hell.
“How did you get Chad to sign the papers?”
The smile that spreads across her lips is genuine, and I fall in love with her all over again. She even gives a short chuckle. “I became the world’s best cock blocker. What matters to Chad? Sex. That’s pretty much all he cares about. I hung out at the bar where he works and showed every girl he looked at Zeke’s picture, explaining that he had this beautiful child he refused to acknowledge. I have to admit, he lasted a lot longer than I thought he would.”
“How did he not kick you out of the bar?”
“I’m not a complete idiot,” she reasons, rolling her eyes. “I spent a couple weeks making friends with the other bartenders, the bouncers, the owner. He might need to find a new place to work, because they were all on my side and didn’t think very highly of him by the time he gave in. Although they all said he was a hell of a worker, so he might be ok.”
It feels like we’re back to normal. I know it won’t last, though. Raising my eyebrows, I admit, “I almost feel bad for him. I can only imagine how persuasive you are when you’re on a mission.”
Another smile flashes in my direction. “He really never stood a chance.”
“No, he didn’t.”
Then she remembers why we’re here and it’s gone. God, it felt good, though. Maybe she felt it, too. Maybe it’ll help sway her in my direction.
She looks at the surrounding woods, at the serene quiet that’s enveloping us in this magical state of ceasefire. Letting out a heavy sigh, she raises her eyes back to mine.
“I miss you, Walker-”
“I miss you, too, Genny. So much.”
Her hand comes up in front of her, stopping any other words from passing through my lips. “That wasn’t an invitation. Is there anything else you want to say while we’re both here?”
Disappointment crushes the hope I was starting to have. Now, I’m the one who needs closure. Because this is probably the last chance I’ll ever get to talk to her unless it’s in passing when she sees Zeke. Shrugging my shoulders, I tell her the only thing that really matters. “I’ll always love you, Genny. If you give me a second chance, I will do anything to prove we’re worth it. That what we have and how we feel is worth fighting for. Worth saving.”
“How do you know how I feel?”
“You love me, Genny. I know you. You won’t tell me because you don’t trust me anymore, with good reason. But I know you love me.”
She shrugs that off with a heavy breath. “As I was saying, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts every morning when I wake up, every time I drink coffee that isn’t disgustingly sweet, every time I look at the weird spaces on the walls where Callie’s paintings used to hang, every time I see a kiddo running around, every time I lay down in bed. I miss you.”
What happened to Callie’s paintings? Praying I someday get the chance to ask, I push it from my mind and focus on Genny once again.
Wiping angrily at the tears still falling from her eyes, she goes on. “But I don’t know if I can trust you enough to give you a second chance. I don’t know if I can put myself through that again. I don’t know if I can let myself get happy with you, only to have you hurt me again.”
“It won’t happen again, Genny.”
“You don’t know, Walker!” she yells. “You can’t see the future. Part of being in a relationship, part of being in love, is giving the other person the ability to hurt you and trusting that they won’t. People accidently hurt each other every day, and I expected that kind of hurt. I didn’t expect you to intentionally hurt me... I don’t know if I can forgive that.”
Looking away from her for the first time, I stare up at the clear blue sky, wishing I could go back in time and fix this. Make it never happen in the first place. Make myself listen to her that night, make myself beg her for forgiveness, back when it would have made a difference. There were a thousand times I could have changed how it all went down, and I made the wrong choice every time. It’s no one’s fault but my own, and I’m doing everything I can to fix it.
But it’s still not enough.
“I’ll think about giving you another chance, but I can’t promise you anything.”
Maybe it is enough.
It’s all I can do. It has to be enough.
“Genny, if there’s anything I can do to prove-”
“There is. Don’t contact me. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t stop at my house. Not unless I get ahold of you first. I need some space to really think about this. There’s a lot going on in my life right now, and I don’t need you barging in at the worst times. Unless there’s some kind of emergency that involves you, or your nephews, just give me space.”
What’s going on? I wonder, but it’s none of my business. Not anymore. Not unless she decides to give us a second chance.
“Ok,” I concede, grateful she’s willing to even think about it to push for anything more. If she wants space, I’ll give her space. I want her back. I want us back. I’ll do anything to make that happen.
Genny suddenly fidgets on her feet, her teeth on her bottom lip, obviously wanting something before walking away from me, but terrified of whatever it is. She’s back to not meeting my eyes, trying to figure out how badly she wants whatever it is she’s thinking about. Her eyes are full of tears when they find mine.
“Can I touch you?”
Her voice is shaky, but she doesn’t look away as she waits for my answer.
“Yes. God, yes.”
“Can you stay perfectly still and not touch me back?”
Grimacing at her impossible request, I close my eyes, collecting myself before answering, because I literally just told her I’d do anything. “If I have to, I will.”
She visibly swallows, closing her eyes as more tears escape and roll down her cheeks. “I’m gonna touch you, and then I’m gonna go. Please stay here until I’m gone. Give me a chance to leave without having to worry about you following me.”
Without waiting for a response, she takes two small steps, closing the distance between us. I shove my hands in my pockets, hoping that keeps them away from her. Genny’s fingers run over my face, pausing to brush across my cheekbone, my lips, my jaw. Like she’s memorizing every last detail.
Like she’s saying goodbye.
Her tears are overflowing again as she whispers, “Don’t open your mouth, Friend.”
Then her lips are on mine.
She didn’t tell me not to kiss her back, she told me not to open my mouth.
Pressing my lips to hers, I taste the salt of her tears. I smell her, I feel her, I taste her. She’s everything I want. She’s everything I need.
She’s everything. Period.
Trying my best to hold back my own tears, I close my eyes against the sight of her as she leaves. I try to not hear the sobs racking her body. I try to not feel the emptiness her departure brings. I try not to lose the sliver of hope she just gifted me by saying she’ll think about giving me another chance.
But it’s fucking hard.
Because the girl I love more than life itself, the girl that holds my entire future in her hands, is running to get away from me.
Genny
Thump!
Racing around Alex and Kane, I dash toward the stairs where that awful noise came from. I get there in time to find Abe inspecting a new hole in the wall. One that magically appeared after he was showing off for Callie, trying to take too many boxes down the stairs at once.
I warned him this would happen! Several times!
“Abe, how many holes are you going to put in these walls?! Quit showing off! You’re stressing me out!”
“Relax, Miss April. Walker can fix that, easy peasy.”
“Walker isn’t here.”
“That’s no one’s fault but your own.”
Growling as I round the corner, I find Kane and Alex prepared to carry my mattress down the stairs. “Kane, I’m going to kill your little brother!”
“Don’t you dare!” Callie sings from her old room. “I’m having way too much fun with him.”
“Eww…” I call out after her, but I’m smiling. I like Abe for her, even if he is destroying my walls.
“How many are we up to, now?” Kane asks, speaking of the count we have on how many holes, scrapes and scratches will be on my walls, courtesy of his brother, by the time we get all my stuff moved out of this house.
“Sixteen I’m aware of. I’ll do an official count when everything is out and we can see the walls clearly.”
Kane shakes his head, used to his brother’s antics, but amazed at how exaggerated they became as soon as he met my sister. “Walker will fix it all. You said you have two more weeks to be out, right?”
Sighing at another mention of Walker, I hang on to my resolve to not scream at everyone for talking about him constantly the past couple weeks. They all know I’m thinking of giving him a second chance. I met with him three weeks ago, and I still haven’t given him an answer, but I’ve been busy.
Really busy.
I accepted the offer on the house the day after I met with him, but the buyers wanted everything finalized as quickly as possible. Callie moved the following weekend. I started looking for my own place after that, and found the perfect little house a few miles away. It’s on the same street I’ve lived on for the last decade, but several miles out of town, past the trail where I met Walker. We’re moving my stuff now, and I’m kind of excited to start over.
Part of that is because I’m leaning towards giving Walker a second chance, but I’m not a hundred percent certain. I want to talk to him again, see his face when he answers the questions I still have. See if he still feels the same after waiting for me all this time.
If he’s still waiting for me.
Judging from how everyone talks about him in front of me, I’m going to assume he is. But assumptions are what got us in this situation in the first place, so I’m still hesitant.
“Two and half technically, but yeah,” I finally answer. “That would really help me out if he could fix all the screw ups your brother is making.”
“He’ll do anything for you, doll. He’s dying, waiting to hear from you.”