Sometimes, I wondered if they truly knew what my brother’s and my best interests were. I didn’t want to subject Kemara to the hatred my family would toss her way. I wanted to shield her, protect her from their kind. Yet, it wouldn’t be easy.
I turned into the parking lot of her apartment. When I parked, she sat up and looked at me. “I can’t wait to meet them. I’m sure they’re just as amazing as you are.” She leaned in, capturing my lips against hers, and I heard a soft moan escape. Then, her tongue dipped in between my lips and I was hypnotized. “Wanna come up to my apartment?” she asked between soft and sensual kisses. I nodded, and we opened our doors and got out of the truck. She ran around and took my hand into hers as we made our way to her apartment.
It was when we got inside that I knew exactly what she had on her mind. After shutting the door, she turned to me and grabbed onto my shirt, pulling me to her. My lips met hers and she looped her fingers into my jean pockets and held me tight to her. I wrapped my arms around her and let the kiss linger, trying to block out all negativity.
With her fingers still holding tight to my jeans, she started walking me backward to the couch. At the couch, she pushed me down and I looked up at her. There was a hunger and desire in her stare as she lifted her shirt up and whipped it off over her head. My eyes went to her breasts and I thought of all the things I wanted to do with her. She straddled me, then swooped in for another kiss. I felt her hands on my belt buckle as she worked to undo it and fought the urge to reach out and touch her breasts, as they begged for me to do so.
I groaned, my erection digging deep at my zipper and my body pulsating for her. The thoughts drifted through my mind of how much I wanted her…needed her. Yet, there were enough complications to bring everything to a halt. Thoughts drowned me of how we shouldn’t proceed, yet my racing heart kept telling me to push on. She kissed me, dipping her tongue between my lips. I instinctively wrapped my hand around her neck.
“I need you,” she whispered. Her body was touching mine, and all I kept thinking was that this was exactly what I wanted. I needed her…she needed me…then what would stop us? And then the emotions came tumbling forward. The realization that if we had sex it would be based all on lies came to the surface. As much as I wanted this, I knew it was hopeless, at least while I was hiding these things from her. I wanted our first time together to be special, with everything out in the open.
“Shit! We should stop,” I breathlessly said, slipping out from underneath her and standing to my feet. She looked up at me, dazed and confused, her mouth agape. I reached down and grabbed her shirt, tossed it to her, and buckled my belt back up. I saw the disappointment on her face as she pulled the shirt back on. Plus, my cock was so hard that it, too, was angered by me stalling the situation. “I’m sorry, but I really have to go,” I apologized.
She shook her head, but barely made eye contact. “You don’t have to be sorry. If you don’t want to sleep with me, I’m not going to force you.” She crawled off the couch and stood to her feet.
The words echoed in my mind. I had to stop her from thinking what she was thinking. “It’s not that I don’t want to sleep with you. You’re a beautiful woman and I would like nothing more than to be with you,” I stated the truth, which my raging erection jolted in my pants to concur.
She crossed her arms in front of her. “Then what is it?” she asked.
I couldn’t find the words, so I had to lead with a lie. “It’s been a long day and I want to make our first time special. I want it to be the best night of your life.” I moved closer to her and touched her cheek. Her eyes went to mine. “Trust me. It will be.”
Whether she bought the lame excuse or not, she didn’t try to get me to change my mind. “Okay,” she said, breathing out through her mouth. She touched my lips with her fingers.
I thought about how I wanted to throw her back on the couch and fuck her until we were both out of breath, but it wasn’t the right time, not when the part of me that I was too embarrassed to tell her about was weighing me down.
“I better go,” I mumbled, hating the fact that I was walking away from her.
She walked me to the door.
I turned around and gave her a sorrowful look, then touched a kiss softly to her lips, before walking out her door.
***
The minute I got home from Kemara’s apartment, I knew what I needed to do. I hurried inside and started to do a purge of everything I owned from the New Aryan Nation.
For years, I knew I didn’t believe the same way my father and brother believed. I never wanted to belong to a white supremacy group. I always had wavering thoughts about their conversations about other races and their mistreatment of people. Some of the big wigs in the group talked about how they didn’t hire blacks, and if they did it was for lesser positions. Others spoke about how they blatantly were rude to blacks or arrested them for no reason, but I digress. If their conversation wasn’t affecting me, I didn’t make a strong move one way or the other. Now that those beliefs threatened the girl I cared for deeply, Kemara, I wanted out and now was the perfect time to get that ball rolling.
If Kemara learned of my dealings with the group, we would be over and done with. She would walk out of my life forever. It would kill me if she would break up with me. I was more than falling in love with her. I had already fallen.
When I went back to her apartment, I got a chance to see just how much I cared for her. I wanted to have sex with Kemara because I wanted to have sex with the woman I loved. We had taken things slowly, but I was past that. I wanted to be with her, fully and explicitly and that meant getting rid of the lies that were between us. How could I tell her that I belonged to a group that wanted to get rid of blacks? No. She couldn’t know the truth. I was at the point of cutting all ties with that group, even if it meant losing my father and brother from my life.
I dug through drawers and piles and piles of papers in my closet. I got rid of everything I owned that contained the symbol of the New Aryan Nation. I tossed the clothes away that would represent what I didn’t believe. The only thing left to do was to go to the next meeting and profess my changed feelings and get out of the club, so that I could happily move on with her.
Kemara was the only one that mattered to me and I would gladly give up anything or anyone to be with her. As I finished by taking the trash bag out to the garbage, I heard a ding on my cellphone. I went back in the house and grabbed my phone to see a text from Kemara.
Kemara: You left so suddenly, just wanted to make sure everything is good and that tonight wasn’t too much.
I felt bad that she had to ask. The minute we got back to her place, she had thoughts of making love and I squashed that, most likely shredding some of her dignity in the process. I sent her back the reply.
Me: I’m truly sorry, baby. I will make this up to you. I promise.
That was the truth. If it was the last thing I did, I would make it up to her. I would give her back her special night, once the New Aryan Nation was in my past. I just couldn’t be with her knowing that I was officially a part of something that was against her existence. The following night was our next meeting and the night I would end it all.
Chapter Thirteen
Kemara
I kept looking back over our last text. I didn’t want him to think he had to make anything up to me. I just wanted to see him and try to figure out why things ended the way they did. We had a lot of hot and cold moments on nights we dated, but I thought we were on the same page when we left my parents’ house. I hadn’t anticipated that when I seduced him at my apartment, he would stop me, literally tossing my shirt back to me with a confused look on his face. He could barely look at me as he left. It was a pride thing and he had injured mine. I could get past that, as long as he had a good reason why he stopped.
The next night, I headed towards his place. I needed to see him and get down to the nitty gritty of what was going on. As I drove, I thought about everything I wanted to say to him. I c
onsidered messaging him to tell him I would be paying him a visit, but decided on a surprise visit.
So, it was just me on the open road, heading to his place, and hoping some answers would be revealed. However, twenty minutes before I got to his house, I stopped at a red light. I was looking around at the businesses in the area and spotted a lodge. In the parking lot was a beat-up pickup truck that looked just like Channing’s.
There’s no way there could be more than one of those beat up pickup trucks in this area, I thought as I giggled.
When I could go at the light, I proceeded to the opening of the parking lot and pulled in. Sure enough, I recognized the dark gray truck with the faded lettering of the Chevy decal. There was also a scratch that ran along the length of his driver’s side door, which came into view once I got closer. He had said that the scratch occurred once when he was in a bar fight and some guy keyed his car. I was always a little prone to the bad boys, so it only intensified the attraction I held for him.
I parked next to him and looked up at the lodge. A million thoughts ran through my mind, starting with, Oh my God, he’s hanging out at this lounge because he’s fucking someone else and that’s why he has no interest in having sex with me. I could feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes as the thought that he could potentially be having an affair dawned on me.
Then, I came down from that fear and considered the lodge was just a place to eat and perhaps that was why he was there. According to the sign they had Great Service and Good Eats, so I calmed my nerves and turned off my car.
Either way, I needed to try to get down to what was going on in the lodge. If it came out that Channing was cheating on me, then so be it. At least, I would know the truth and could attempt to get on with my life without him.
I jumped out of the car, locked it up, and headed to the front door. I took a deep breath, as I entered the rustic-looking lodge, not knowing what to expect once I got inside. When I walked through the doors, there was a large reception desk in the front lobby. I was nervous, but I walked up there, just to see if Channing was there.
“May I help you?” The male receptionist asked.
“Yes! I was wondering if you had a guest here by the name of Channing Holloway,” I asked.
“I’m sorry, Miss, but I can’t give out that information,” he said.
My face fell. I nodded my understanding and thought maybe that would be the end of it. “Where’s your restaurant?” I asked.
He pointed me in the direction, but when I started to head that way, he stopped me. “Uh ma’am, the restaurant is closed today, because there’s a meeting going on,” he said and anxiously rose to his feet. “It will open back up tomorrow at six in the morning, ma’am. Come back then.”
I glanced at him, once again feeling disappointed. “Okay. Thanks for your time.”
As I started to walk back to the front door, something stopped me. I needed to talk to Channing and he was there. There had to be another way. I turned around and saw the receptionist was bent down in a file cabinet and didn’t notice I was still there. I decided to go at least peak in on that meeting to let Channing know I was there. Perhaps, it was a meeting for construction workers, or something like that. He should be able to step out for a short while, so we could talk.
I went off in the direction of the restaurant. When I got closer, I spotted the sign at the restraint entrance. “Closed for New Aryan Nation meeting,” I read quietly.
My jaw dropped, and I tilted my head. I didn’t know much about them, other than they were a group that wanted to kill black people. They were no better than the KKK. I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, fearful that I would see Channing in the meeting, but I couldn’t turn back. I had to know. I wasn’t sure if it would be better than learning he was having an affair, or worse. I was confident it would have the same lasting results either way. I opened the door to the restaurant and stepped inside.
I stayed in the back, but scoured my eyes quickly around the room, until I spotted him. He sat near the front of the room, several other men gathered around him. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My vision went blurry as all kind of thoughts rushed through my mind. My Channing was in a group that wanted to do away with people like me. A knot formed in my stomach, and I felt sick.
“Hey, bitch! What are you doing in here?” a strong voice yelled out in my direction.
I turned my eyes to a man that was at the back of the room. I recognized him as one of the men from the gas station I’d seen the day Channing and I first met. He was glaring in the way that made me self-conscious and nervous. Then, all eyes were on me. I turned around and my eyes met Channing’s. He stood up and stared in my direction. I wanted to just crawl under a table, until everyone forgot about me. This would go down as one of the worst nights of my life.
Since my legs wouldn’t move, I was stuck there, as daggers shot my way. I wondered how Channing would attempt to get out of this one, or had I been played all along. More importantly, I wondered if I would make it out of that room alive.
Chapter Fourteen
Channing
Dammit, this can’t be happening.
My heart was beating out of my chest, when I saw Kemara staring back at me. I stood there looking ridiculous as a roomful of angry men started ridiculing her. Men who I had once considered friends, if not family.
“Bitch, you’re not supposed to be in here!” yelled Bubba.
“Go back where you came from,” Rodger chimed in.
“We can’t have a damn thing to ourselves. The blacks think they can run up in every little place!” Other men chorused around the negative comments that lambasted Kemara.
She looked around, as from all over men were gathering around her and calling her Bitch, Nasty N-word, or just yelling vileness at her. She looked like she wanted to cry, and I felt like a sitting duck, unable to protect her. I came to the meeting unarmed. I planned to tell them I wanted out, but I didn’t even get that chance, before she walked in.
Then, Dirty Neil’s fat head started talking. “Look here men, some black pussy just landed in our laps. Ever want to know how it was to fuck a woman of this race, well now’s your chance.” In an instant, he went to her and grabbed her. He started to grab her shirt and she was begging him to let her go.
My heart sank into my stomach. I couldn’t take him putting his hands on my lady.
“Let her go!” I growled, and my voice reverberated through the pack of blood thirsty men.
That startled even Dirty Neil, who had began groping her. He let her go, nearly dropping Kemara to the ground. “What the hell is your problem, Lil Chan?” he asked in bewilderment.
While all of the men’s attention focused on me, Kemara looked at me. Then, in a fit of tears, she turned around and ran out of there. I couldn’t even go after her. I had to take care of this and there was no better time than the present.
“Let her go?” My father asked. I turned to him, and I saw several unanswered questions in his eyes. “What the hell’s that about?” he asked.
I could feel the lump returning to my throat, but I couldn’t back down. I had to stand up to the man I had never been able to. Kemara was important to me and nothing was going to change the way I felt about her.
“Maybe we have a traitor in the organization,” Dirty Neil said in a measured tone that was just as dangerous as the tone he used when Kemara was his target.
I squared up with Dirty Neil, ready to take him on. My father stepped up and took Dirty Neil’s place in front of me. I looked at his face of disappointment, and I hoped he saw the same staring back at him. I was disappointed I ever subscribed to my father’s beliefs.
“That is a good woman,” I said to my father. Then, I turned my anger to every man in the room as I scanned their faces. “You all have run a good woman out of here, with your misogyny and hate. Your pompous mouths spew nothing but hate toward others, proving that only you matter. But that’s not true. All lives matter and she matters very much to me.”
“She has more class in her finger than any of us have in our whole body. I’m sick of this! I have wanted to be out of this organization for a long time and this is my final straw. I’m done.”
“That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard all day,” my father objected. “I’m like your brother and I think your head is clouded by something new to you. You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re going to throw your life away for some black bitch?” he asked.
I heaved a sigh and looked at him. “Don’t call her names, father. You don’t know her and if I have my say, you never will.”
My dad’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me?”
Rodger stepped forward and put an arm on my father’s shoulder. “Chad, you gon’ let your boy disrespect our organization, and talk to you like you’re not a man in your own family?”
My father turned to Rodger and glared at him. “Family business, Rodge!”
Rodger immediately threw his hands up and backed away. In that group, my father was the alpha dog, and the rest of them knew when they had crossed the line it was best to give my father the space he needed. Which was why me taking a stand there was so risky, but it was important to me to do it.
“You heard me. You pushed me into this organization, because you believed your sons had to follow in your footsteps of preserving the white race. We should have a voice, too. I’ll use my voice to say that we are all a part of the human race.” I turned to Damon, who was eating up the fact that I was arguing with Dad. “If Damon wants to go along with you and everything wrong that this place stands for, then I can’t stop him.”
“You’re not going anywhere either, Channing. You’ll come back to your senses when we sort this out at home,” Dad said in a voice that bordered psychotic. His jaw tensed and I could see his temples pulsating as his eyes beaded and pierced through my skin.
Dangerous Bonds Page 7