“Bummer. What are you going to do?” Marissa asked Keira in a sympathetic tone.
“Okay!” Paige fanned out her arms. “What is the dog predicament, Keira?”
“He…” Keira pushed her thumb into the ridges of her car key.
“Spike humps her legs. Incessantly,” Marissa said. “In a raunchy, pornographic fashion. She finds it degrading, as would I. But every time I ask Callie to cage him, she goes berserk and tells me I’m cruel. Really I’m not though, because I’m advocating for a fellow band member’s liberty to piss in a toilet! Holla!” Marissa hugged Keira. She backed away and handled a tuft of Keira’s flat-ironed hair. Keira didn’t move.
Paige’s eyes studiously bounced between her two friends.
Marissa pouted at Keira. “You should wear it curly more often.”
“Yes, Keira. You should,” Paige said.
Keira stared menacingly at Paige, who smirked and discreetly mouthed, “Busted.”
Paige sat at a small, sequestered table in the rear of the university’s library in the mezzanine, thumbing through the latest edition of The Boston Terrene. After every few sentences, she made jottings in her steno pad with her choice black, rollerball pen.
“Hey, Paige.” Justin took a seat in the chair across from Paige.
Paige glanced up and tried to smile at him. “Hi.”
Justin motioned to the newspaper in front of Paige. “Why are you reading that? You said you thought it was garbage.”
Paige sighed. “I do think that. But to Professor Chaplin, this is journalism at its finest. And I’m not giving him any leverage to put a dent in my 3.9 GPA, so I’m going to familiarize myself with everything in here, every day of every week of every month, for the rest of this semester.”
“Wow. Okay. And how’s that going?”
“It’s frickin’ detestable. There’s not one blurb in here that isn’t excessively conservative. As a gay woman, I find this to be unnerving.”
“I can tell.”
Paige shook her head. “Enough about me. How was lunch with Lennox?” The question dried her mouth.
Justin grinned. “It was great. And she’s such a hottie.”
Paige rolled her eyes. “Justin.”
“Oh and you’re gonna tell me she’s not?”
“She’s…fetching.”
“Right. Hottie-licious.”
“Please don’t ever say that again.”
“Why are you cranky?” Justin asked.
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
“Are too,” Justin said. “But anyways, about Lennox…the girl’s wicked creative. She taught herself how to play the drums and she composes like songs and stuff.”
“Fascinating,” Paige said under her breath in an endeavor to disguise her sincere intrigue.
“Did you know she’s from Vermont?” Justin asked.
“You don’t say?”
“Yup.”
“I take it this means your meet-up went well,” Paige said.
“Date.”
“Who paid?”
“I di–I went to, but she was gung-ho about paying for herself,” Justin said.
“Mmm.”
“It. Was. A. Date.”
“Uh huh. Yeah.” Paige picked up her pen and began doodling in her notebook. “Did you…er…did she know that you, um, that you thought it was a date?”
“How couldn’t she know? She was there. And didn’t we just do this? Meet-ups and dates are synonymous.”
“But they’re not.”
“Yes, Paige. They are.”
“Alright. There are similarities between them. But in some situations, it’s appropriate to double-check. That’s all.”
Justin snagged the paper that Paige was scrawling over from under her hand.
Paige stared at him. “Give it back.”
“No. What are you not telling me?”
“Nothing.”
“Christ. You still think she’s a questionable character, don’t you? Because she’s bi.”
“That’s not…no. How could you say…” Paige combed her fingers through her medium-brown hair. “Aargh. Dude, I compromised my blog to demonstrate my newfangled support for bisexuality. My blog. I was only suggesting that if you ask her out again, you shouldn’t be ambiguous. Just say it’s a date.”
“Why is this so important to you?”
“Because I care about you.”
“And you like Lennox. You like her like her. Fuck, Paige. I went to you, and you—”
“Told you the score. I don’t want to be with her.”
“Don’t want to or won’t?” Justin asked.
Paige stood up, recovered her notes from Justin, and shoved them in her bag. She looked him square in the face. “If you want to be with her, then ask her.”
“I’ll do that.”
“Good.” Paige marched towards the staircase and went down the steps two at a time, her heart collapsing against her ribs, her vision blurred by tears, her unwavering pride suffocating her.
Chapter Thirteen
Paige lay on her right side on her bed. Her knees were drawn up towards her chest, her left arm clamped around them. With her other hand she clinched her phone, which was set to dial Hanna’s number. Paige barely opened her eyes when Keira came into their dorm room.
“Hmm.” Keira glanced around. “Curtains closed. No lights. No candles. Leela Clementine lamenting in the backdrop. Soiled tissues on the floor. Gloom milieu achieved, Paige. Now all we’re missing is the noose.”
“Keira, please take your gibes elsewhere.”
“No way! Now tell me what brought this on.” Keira sat on the ledge of Paige’s mattress.
“Nothing has been brought.”
“Then why were you crying?”
“I wasn’t. I have allergies,” Paige said.
“No, you don’t.”
“Yessa.”
“What are you allergic to?”
Paige turned her neck a little to see Keira’s skeptical smirk. “You,” Paige said.
“Ah. So funny. Is that my cue to venture to my sector of our home?”
“It is.”
“Alright.” Keira got up and walked across the room. She plunked onto her own bed, belly-down, facing Paige. She rested her chin in her palms and stared at her roommate.
“Ugh. Must you do that?” Paige asked.
“What might that be?”
“You’re watching me.”
“Because you’re such a fine specimen.” Keira grinned.
“Stop.”
“I will once you tell me what’s going on with you.”
“I’m peachy. Nothing to report.”
“Right. Just allergies,” Keira said.
“Yup.”
“And the blackout?”
“Headache,” Paige said. “It’s a symptom of the allergies. I thought eliminating the fluorescence would help.”
“This is quite the alibi you’ve got going.”
“Hey. I’m being forthright. Are we done?”
“Nope. I saw your phone,” Keira said.
“You want a medal?”
“You were on the verge of calling Hanna, who you only go to when you’re trying to circumvent your real feelings about something, so come clean, Paige.”
Paige sat up slowly, lips woven into a shrewd smile. “Okay. Tit for tit then?”
Keira laughed a little. “You know I’m a tit junkie. I’m in.”
“Let’s get to it.”
“Enough with the stalling. Go already,” Keira said.
“You can’t forfeit.”
“Paige! You’ve got zilch on me. Why would I for—” Keira whitened. “Shit shit shit.”
“Yeah. I’m more attentive than you give me credit for, Ms. Keira. So do tell. How long have you been lusting after Marissa?”
“Don’t say anything to anyone.”
“We’ve been shacking up for two years. I’ve seen the ugliest vers
ions of you, just as you have of me. And have I ever blabbed on you?” Paige asked.
“No.”
“Correct. Now for how long?”
“Two years and ten days.”
Paige’s mouth fell open.
“I know. I’m sorry I kept that from you,” Keira said.
“The band…how old is the band?”
“Two years and ten days.”
“The whole time I was sleeping with her, you…you…”
“Yes. I wanted her.”
“But on the night of your first gig, you acquainted us,” Paige said.
“I didn’t envisage that you guys were going to hook up the very next day.”
“K, never would I have gone there if I’d known. How did I not know? Why did it take me ’til today to piece this together?”
“Paige, it’s alright.”
“It’s not alright. That semester was the worst for you because of me.”
“And I got through it without any antipathy for either of you. You’re my friends. Both of you.”
Paige took a breath. “Well, Rissa and I were short-lived. You could’ve—”
“No.” Keira chuckled dejectedly. “Callie got to her first. That’s how it goes.”
“So you aren’t ever going to tell Marissa this?”
“Nooo! And neither are you.”
“Right.”
“It dawned on me that people only see what they want to see when they’re ready to see it,” Keira said. “Sometimes, we’ll never be seen the way we want to be seen by others, and that’s how it is with me and Marissa. She’s all I can see, but I’m invisible to her.”
“You’re not invisible. She sees you.”
“Thanks. Anyways, you’re up now.”
“I really am sorry about freshman year,” Paige said.
“You don’t have to be sorry. And I’m not done with you. Your tit’s on deck, missy.”
“Hrmph.”
“Why do you have the weeps?” Keira asked. “And don’t you dare tell me it has to do with Nina and her lackeys.”
“It’s not about them.” Paige picked up the used tissue balled up next to her and daubed her nose with it. “It’s Justin. We’re kind of in a fight.”
“Really? About what?”
“Who. Not what.”
“Lennox?”
Paige gasped. “Why would you come to that conclusion?”
“Why wouldn’t I? Paige, I saw your superstitious ass cross your fingers when you swore to me that you didn’t have a crush on her, which nullifies your vow. But you asked me to let it go, and I did because I’m flippin’ awesome. That doesn’t invalidate your humungo lady-boner for her.”
“Gross!”
Keira laughed. “What? It’s physiology.”
“Yes, but do you have to use such unrefined terminology?”
“I do if you’re gonna be a lexicon brat about it,” Keira sassed.
“That’s fair.”
“Okay. Now back to your bout of melancholy. I’m still not understanding what Justin has to do with Lennox,” Keira said. “I thought you didn’t care if they hung out. Unless you’re finally going to make your confession that you have a crush on Lennox. Then and only then would I understand. So, let’s have it.”
Paige exhaled shakily. “I have a crush on Lennox.” Her tongue shriveled on the last consonant. She leaned against the wall for stability. “But I can’t.”
“Because why?”
“There’s a zillion reasons!”
Keira arced an eyebrow and smiled at Paige. “Oh. Well if there are a zillion reasons, then she’s verboten. If there were only a bagillion, we could try undertaking them.”
Paige stared at Keira solemnly. “An ounce of compassion would be sufficient.”
“Buddy, I’m sorry. How about you list out your romantic woes and maybe we can come up with a solution together?”
“Keira, I cannot be interested in Lennox if Justin has the hots for her, too.”
“Wait. So you and your best boy are yenning for the same girl?” Keira asked. “That’s kinda freaky.”
“Is it? Like how you were pining after Marissa while I was banging her?”
“Huh. I see your point. We’re sort of an incestuous herd, aren’t we?”
“Not inspiriting.”
“Okay. Right.” Keira sat up. “Hold it! Did Justin tell you he had a thing for Lennox?”
“Did he tell me? Ha! He more or less asked for my blessing before he asked her out.”
“Whoa! Justin asked Lennox out knowing that you were crushing on her?”
“Er. See here’s where it gets complicated,” Paige said. “He doesn’t know about my feelings.”
“What? Then why would he ask for your blessing?”
“Because he had a hunch that I was into her and he’s an upstanding guy.”
“So you lied to him?”
Paige pressed her knuckles into her forehead. “Ugh. Yes. That’s what I did.”
“Ahhh! Paige! Whyyyyy?”
“If I won’t go out with her, he might as well.”
“I don’t…why won’t you go out with her?” Keira asked.
“Taking down the blog post was one thing, but I will not date a bisexual. I’ll no longer condemn anyone who does, but I won’t do it. It’s not me.”
Keira snorted. “It’s not you? Enlighten me, Paige. Why isn’t it you?”
“I’m not the lesbian who gets in a relationship with the bisexual girl. I’ve heard that’s an imminent disaster.”
“From who?”
“Pssh. Everyone,” Paige said.
“Oh. I wasn’t aware you knew everyone. That’s remarkable!”
“Can you rein in the sarcasm?”
“Paige, your fear is unfounded. It’s a fable that lesbians and bisexuals are doomed if they…hmm…how would a musician say it? Ah, yes. Collaborate.”
“But maybe it’s not. How do you know?”
“I don’t,” Keira said. “But here’s the thing. You’re a woman who has a hankering for other women and so is she. There.”
“She also has a hankering for men. Men, Keira.”
“Yeah? And?”
“That’s a lot of competition. You said it yourself that I have a fixation for unobtainable girls. Wouldn’t that put her in that category?” Paige asked.
“Nah.”
“Why?”
“Paige, it’s not a contest between men and women. Lennox is going to be with whom she wants to be with. Yes, she has a bigger selection of mates than you, but that doesn’t make her unobtainable.”
“Justin likes her and that makes her unobtainable.” Paige whacked her head on the wall. “Aargh!”
“Okay. All you have to do is talk to Jus—”
“No. What I have to do is get her out of my thoughts.”
“Is that why you were going to call Hanna? To purge Lennox from your system? You’re in Hanna rehab. You can’t relapse.”
“I haven’t relapsed. I didn’t call Hanna. I was ready to but I didn’t,” Paige said.
“Good. That’s good.”
“I’ve got it! What if I command the crush to go away?”
Keira rolled her eyes. “Sure and while you’re doing that, I’ll command away my gayness. Don’t be a jackass. Whether it’s sexuality or having a crush, you like who you like and you can’t control it.”
“Keira, I’m fucked.”
“Paige?”
“What?”
“Does Lennox like Justin?”
Paige shrugged. “Beats me.”
“You should ask her.”
“Why?”
“Because if she doesn’t, then you may have a chance with her.”
“You’re not getting the picture, Keira. I cannot date her.”
“Dude, your fears are void so let them go.”
“It’s more than that!”
“I’m gonna make this easy for you, Paige. Do you or do you not want to be with Lennox?”
&n
bsp; Impulsively, Paige answered, “I do!” She cupped her mouth with her hand.
Keira grinned. “Now we’re making progress. So why are you repressing all the feels you have for Lennox?”
“Because I think she likes me, too.”
“Yay! That’s capital!”
“No no. That’s bad.”
“Huh? Unriddle this for me,” Keira said.
“Justin likes Lennox. I told Justin to go for her. Now if Lennox likes me and I like her, we can’t be together, because it’ll break Justin, who I love,” Paige said.
“Why did you tell Justin to go for her?”
“Because I’m a person and I got scared. She just swooped into my life and appealed to all my senses. She caused me to revise my beliefs. No one’s ever done that. She changed me and she is everything I am not looking for. So when Justin asked me for the green light, subconsciously, maybe even knowingly…in that moment of fragility, I was conquered by my fears…and my dignity. Rather than admit I was into the girl who is the antithesis of what this campus thinks I am, I told him to go for her. On that note, I’ll say it again for you, Keira—I can’t be with Lennox. I can only be her friend.”
With eyes wide open and jaw lax, Keira rose from the bed and made her way to the exit of the room. She stopped in front of the door and glanced at Paige. The CD ended and silence filled their small sphere.
“Let me remind you of something,” Keira said. “You can delude yourself into thinking you just want to be her friend. But being friends with someone you want to be more than friends with will erode your soul. It’s agonizing. And I can attest to that.” Keira wrapped her fingers around the doorknob.
“Hey. Where are you going?” Paige asked.
“To the dining hall for supper. You coming?”
“I. Um. No. I don’t have an appetite.”
“Oh. Well, you could use this time to do what you do best.”
“Which is what?”
“Get everyone on the same page, Paige,” Keira said and then left.
Chapter Fourteen
Paige sat at her desk, laptop opened in front of her, staring at the updated readership stats on her blog site. She had four new followers since that morning. She shook her head in speechless wonderment as an absentminded smile played on her lips.
Paige glimpsed at the phone next to her computer and reached for it. Her right hand waffled in mid-air and she yanked it back. She scanned her watch. It was a few minutes after eight o’clock. Keira wouldn’t be coming home from dinner for at least another twenty minutes if she kept to her routine. That gave Paige time to call. She’d just be succinct. She’d say hello and thank you, then hang up. No one would know. Paige went for her phone again without hesitancy. Once the cell was in her grasp, Paige perused the directory of her contacts. When her finger landed on Lennox’s name, she hit the “dial” button.
Never the Same Page 8