by Cerys du Lys
She also liked to be alone, to read quietly, to spend cozy nights in, cuddling and watching a movie and eating popcorn on the couch. She was soft and gentle and considerate, though also stubborn, curious, and strong. She was far too much for him to keep track of easily, and he doubted he'd ever be able to do so. She was a pleasant mystery to him.
If Elise had a choice, she'd go get her purse first, and then see what she could do from there.
If she realized that choice, he thought. Unfortunately she also occasionally forgot things, and made rash and unusual decisions.
He wouldn't blame her if she acted that way now, though. He'd fallen asleep in the bed of one of his previous submissives just minutes after angering his girlfriend with the revelation of whose apartment they were in. Not only that, he hadn't tried to apologize. He didn't have a chance to. That was an asinine excuse on his part, but also somewhat the truth. What sort of person fell asleep like that, though?
He felt awful. Alone. Vile and vicious. He felt completely criminal because of everything he did, despite the fact that he'd never felt this way before. He rationalized and reasoned with himself about his actions, claiming justice through a greater good. He wasn't sure if that was the truth, though. He wasn't sure if that had ever been the truth.
He didn't know if Elise could forgive him. In all honesty, he didn't know if he could forgive himself. That didn't mean he should lay here and wallow in self pity, though. He could help her, still. He could do something. For her, not for him. Safety, yes, but specifically hers, custom-suited to her needs. He wasn't sure what exactly that involved at the moment, but he'd figure it out on the way.
He picked up Elle's phone again and texted a specific code to a number he'd memorized, then lay the phone back on the bedside table. If Elise did choose to go to his car, that should help.
"I'm leaving," Lucent said. "Let me borrow your car. Didn't I tell you to throw that stuffed animal away, too? Why did you keep it?"
Elle sassed him. She infuriated him. "You aren't my master anymore, Lucent. I don't have to listen to you."
He turned on her, desperately trying to maintain a calm composure, but fully realizing he would assuredly fail. "Laura, this isn't a game anymore. This isn't for fun. You think that by doing this you'll force me to punish you? To spank you and tie you up and fuck you like before? It's been years, Laura. You need to stop. You need to get over it. I'm sorry that I can't be there for you, but you can find someone better who truly cares about you. I need you to understand that. I especially need you to understand that right now, because it's of dire importance."
She rolled her eyes at him. He almost reconsidered spanking her. Almost.
Elle turned away from him, showing him her back and her bright red rear. She reached down the side of the bed and grabbed something, then offered it to him. It was the hard drive Elise took with her.
"Mistress Tanner left it here," Elle said. "You should bring it to her."
Lucent took the hard drive, holding it loosely in his outstretched hand. He should leave this here, he thought. If he let Elle keep it, he'd have a lot less to worry about. He wouldn't need to tell Elise, either. She'd left it here on her own, whether on accident or on purpose, so why should he second guess her decision? He shouldn't. It was better if he didn't.
"You can borrow my car," Elle said. "I give you permission. Be careful, though. I put zolpidem in your tea. It's been a few hours, so you should be alright soon, but it's not a good idea to drive immediately after taking it. You might still have some of the effects."
"Thank you," he said.
He refused to acknowledge the fact that she'd just admitted to drugging his tea with a prescription sleep aid. It gave him an excuse for falling asleep when he should have gone to Elise and apologized, but it didn't excuse anything else he'd done. Even then, he despised excuses, and refused to accept his own shortcomings. Perhaps that was flawed logic, but he didn't care about logic anymore.
He wanted more than that. He wanted happiness. He needed it.
He needed her: Elise.
...
The taxi driver was reluctant to pull into the parking garage of Landseer Tower, but I knew the password to gain entrance, so that seemed to put his mind at ease. I somewhat understood his reticence, but it didn't help me all that much right now. Yes, let's just ask this man to drive into a dark parking garage after common business hours when everyone's left for the day.
The only thing helping me out right now was the fact that I knew the password for the parking garage blockades, and possibly also the fact that I was a woman without a purse. For all he knew, I kept a gun hidden in my car and I wanted to rob him, though. It was technically Lucent's car, but still. Driving a taxi seemed like a rather unsafe business, at least compared to the work I was used to.
I told him where to find Lucent's car. He found it easily enough. When I stepped out, I prayed for a miracle. Lucent almost never left his car unlocked. Probably more like flat out never, but there were exceptions to every rule, right? I stepped across the smooth concrete floor to the passenger side door, walking in much the same way I might if I were headed to my execution.
My fingers slid beneath the door handle, holding tight. I took a deep breath, hoped and prayed, then I pulled.
The door didn't open. I let go of the handle, shocked and confused. I never expected it to open, but somewhere deep down I thought that maybe if I hoped and prayed enough, it would open because of my desperate need. Life didn't work like that, though. I should have realized this. I shouldn't have been so foolish to have thought I could change anything.
I couldn't. Not this, not my life, definitely not Lucent. Nothing. I lacked control of anything. I...
I started to think of what to say to the taxi driver, but then a small red light flashed inside Lucent's car. A second later, I heard a click. I tried the door again.
This time it opened.
The interior light came on, illuminating the inside of Lucent's car. I flashed a smile to the cab driver. He stared at me and lowered his hand. He wasn't waving, he had his cell phone ready to call the police in case I tried something suspicious. Now that I had the door open, I was slightly less of a risk, I supposed.
I found my purse and pulled it out. I considered searching through Lucent's car for more to take with me, but I didn't have any way to carry it besides my purse. Also, I wasn't a thief. I doubted he'd mind if I took anything, but I wasn't happy with him at the moment, so in my mind it was different. If I took something out of necessity, while we were in a good spot in our relationship, that seemed different than if I took something out of malicious intent. Not that it'd be truly malicious, but still.
I walked towards the passenger side door of the cab and bent down, peeking through the window. "How much was it?" I asked.
He tapped his finger on the meter to show me the fare, not bothering to speak.
I swallowed hard, worry and regret sinking into the pit of my stomach. Maybe this was a bad idea. I obviously didn't have any friends here. Not that I should expect a random cab driver to be my friend, but I thought he could at least try to act a little nicer. I fished through my purse for my wallet and pulled out a twenty dollar bill for him.
"You can keep the extra," I said, handing him the money.
He nodded. Still no smile. Nothing.
I just gave him twice the amount I owed him. I thought he could at least smile.
As soon as I pulled my hand back through the window, he drove away. The rear tires of the taxi nearly ran over the toes of my shoes, but I jumped back just in time. I stared after him, watching him leave.
And that was it. I was alone again.
The parking garage at Landseer Tower had lights scattered every so often throughout the complex, but it still looked dark and dreary. A few cars occupied this level, parked here and there, but not many. Most people had left for the day.
Well, what should I do now?
Lucent knew how to get into the building after dark
, because he had a special access code in case he wanted to work later. Unfortunately, I knew no such code, not even his. He was one of the Directors, barely a step beneath Asher Landseer, CEO. I was just some girl that worked there, writing, participating in an experimental new branch of the business run by Asher's wife.
I remembered staying here overnight once, but that was a long time ago and under much different circumstances. I was angry at Lucent then, too. He refused to speak to me, refused to see me. He told me I should leave, that I shouldn't want to see him. He basically told me that our lives together were over, which was strange at the time because our lives had never started. We'd spent a weekend trapped in the library together, but that was it.
Or was it?
To be fair, we grew close then. We talked. I enjoyed his company, even if I hadn't at first. He was terse and commanding, obsessive, mysterious, and confusing, but somehow I ended up liking him. I didn't really know how, but it seemed natural. There was a lot to like about Lucent when I thought about it. There was a lot to dislike, too.
Thinking back on it made me laugh. Maybe I was foolish and illogical. Maybe I was an idiot. I spent a weekend in a library with a man I barely knew except for what I'd seen on TV and YouTube videos online. What was a weekend? Nothing, really.
Except it had been something. We didn't just stay in the library, we were trapped there. We dealt with a snowstorm, the electricity going out. We lived there in a way, but it was more than that, too. I spent every waking moment at Lucent's side, learning more and more about him. I saw the way he breathed while he slept, the usually tight and tense expression on his face giving way to a softer, sleepy look. I learned about him while he was awake, too. He told me people called him a card shark just because he was good at cards, and we spoke a little French. We burned ruined books in a fireplace in one of the private rooms upstairs to stay warm, and we cuddled close, using thick window curtains as blankets.
And then after that, he tried to leave me, treating me as if we'd gained nothing over the course of a few days. It was just a few days, yes, but I gained so much during that time. We had sex, we kissed, we cuddled, and maybe none of that was normal, but Lucent wasn't normal, and now I didn't think I was, either. Maybe I'd never been normal. Maybe I was always like this.
So I went after him. I tried to force him to acknowledge me, but he refused. I didn't budge. I stayed. I applied for a job as his personal assistant, but he wouldn't interview me. Still, I stayed there, sitting in his office all afternoon, until he left. He thought I'd leave when he did, but I didn't. I stayed overnight, and when he came back in the morning, he got quite a surprise.
That morning was the first time we went to Sam's Delicatessen, too. My first pancake sandwich. Lucent and I talked, really talked. It didn't lead to much of anywhere. We'd be friends, he said. I remembered something I said to him then which made me laugh now.
"Well, are we good friends? Close? Can I cuddle with you? Are we friends, um... with..." I said the words again, reliving them in the emptiness of the Landseer Tower parking garage.
With what? That's what Lucent asked me back then.
I mouthed the next words, too afraid to say them aloud, too afraid of the memories I might unleash. "With... benefits? Can we have sex?"
He'd promptly denied me. No, he said.
Despite my best attempts at stopping a rush of emotions from surging forth, they came anyways. I shivered and shook in the cool evening air, alone in a dim parking garage, tears streaking down my cheeks.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't just stand here any longer, remembering and worrying about the past. That was so long ago, except it didn't seem like it. I felt like Lucent and I had been trapped in the library during that blizzard for decades, maybe even centuries, even though it had only been days. The six or so months we'd been together afterwards seemed like a few hours in comparison, not nearly long enough. A few hours, yes, but filled with so much love and affection and tender care. Of learning, and teasing, playful flirting, explored sexuality.
Of everything. And now nothing. The end. My story was over. Was this what I wanted to write?
Everyone stopped writing sometime, didn't they? Stories ended, good or bad, and then the reader was left to imagine what happened next. I wondered what they thought happened to me. Did I leave them like this, with myself stranded here. Did I leave them to worry and fret about my continued existence, or lack thereof.
It didn't matter what I left them to do. I couldn't hope for anything of the same. I had to live it, to breathe my own story, to be it, to overcome it. I needed to move on, but I didn't know how. I couldn't just stop. This wasn't the end.
One step. That's all it took. Just one.
I walked with that thought in mind. One step became two, then three, and a fourth. They arrived slow and shambling, because I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't stop crying, but the steps happened. I walked towards the entrance of the parking garage.
Then I stopped.
Something moved. I saw it. I jerked my head to the side and blinked fast, but by the time I fully looked it was gone. Nothing. I listened. Still nothing.
I kept walking. The sounds of my shoes clicked against the smooth concrete floor, the noise of my footfalls bouncing through this corporate holding cage for cars. I wouldn't be trapped here, I wouldn't stay stuck like that.
I heard my own footsteps, but I thought I heard more, too. They tried to mimic mine, following me like a shadow. I stepped, they stepped. I moved, and they did, too.
Abrupt, I stopped. I heard another step after that, but not one that I made. Panic ripped through my body, fear searching for a scream deep inside my throat, but I couldn't move or say anything.
One step. That's all it took. Just one.
I tried to think only of that, tried to use the thought to calm my mind. It didn't really work. I ended up running through the parking garage to the front entrance as best I could. Thankfully I was almost there, so I didn't have to run far. As soon as I made it into the night air and the city outdoors, I breathed easier.
I wasn't safe, but I was safer. If someone was following me, lurking in the shadows nearby, it was only a matter of time before...
I preferred not to think about it. I preferred not to think of anything. I didn't know where I was going, or what I was doing, but I joined the evening crowds on the street, walking to some unknown destination.
I had my purse now. I could go anywhere. I could take a cab or the subway back to my apartment. Or... not. If I did that, I was putting Vanessa at risk.
The library? It was still open, though. I couldn't hide out there for the night like I'd done before, at least not yet. I didn't feel right about doing that, anyways. I didn't want to cause undue stress to Rob or anyone else who worked or visited there.
Maybe I should get a hotel room? Oh, yes, great idea, Elise. I mentally berated myself, because going to a hotel was the worst idea in the history of everything. If the police were out looking for me and Lucent, and I just walked in and flashed my license to the front desk before getting a room, I was pretty sure I'd be arrested within the hour.
And then what? I didn't know how to deal with situations like that. I didn't know how to deal with this situation, either.
I walked away from everything I knew, finding solace in the unknown. I clutched my purse tight, holding it awkwardly in my hands, unsure what to do with it. Just keep walking, keep going.
I looked backwards and saw something. Someone. Yes, well, I was walking in the middle of the city. What should I expect? There should be a lot of someones.
This person looked strange to me, though. My imagination ran rampant and I concocted figments and fantasies in my head. They were coming after me, weren't they? They were the shadow I saw in the parking garage, the mimed footsteps behind mine. My stalker, my follower, my...
No. I turned down a side street as soon as I could and then kept going, walking faster and faster. I probably looked like a crazy person, but I didn't ca
re.
I needed something. I didn't know what. I wanted to cry. More. I couldn't cry, not even a little. I was, though. I couldn't stop now, no matter what I thought or what I wanted.
I needed...
I clutched my purse in one hand while I fished through it, looking for my phone. I found it, nearly spilling everything else I had in the process. Somehow I managed not to do that, though. I flung my purse over my shoulder and pressed buttons on my phone. It didn't matter which buttons; I didn't know which buttons I wanted to push. I unlocked the keyguard randomly, then went into my contacts menu.
Against all of my better judgment, I scrolled through my list of family and friends, then dialed Jessika Landseer's number.
She knew about me and Lucent. She understood. Right? I hoped so. I thought I could talk to her more than I could talk to anyone, because she knew Lucent, too. She...
The phone rang and rang, but no one picked up. I thought about giving up, putting it back in my purse. I looked over my shoulder, angry and frightened, and saw the same person from before. Were they following me? No one else was walking on this street except us. I didn't even know where I was.
The phone stopped ringing. I heard breathing on the other end.
I started talking before Jessika could say anything. If anyone interrupted me, I thought I'd lose myself and everything else, too.
"Jessika," I said, pushing back tears, wanting to explain. "I can't do this. I can't do it anymore." Where did that come from? From... "Lucent is... I don't know. I don't know why this happened. I didn't even..."
Everything I wanted to hold in came rushing forth again and I started to cry uncontrollably into the phone. The tears on my cheek spread to the edge of the phone, leaving it cold and damp, pressed against the side of my face.