“He didn’t. He couldn’t have.”
“Then why did he say he would be there?”
Giselle shrugged. “He probably assumed Jack would invite him.”
“He does assume a great deal.”
“Alice, please come. I really like him. He says he’s going to invite some of his clients, and they are all A-listers. I’d be the only one from soaps.”
“You shouldn’t let that bother you. Not only are you more beautiful than anyone on screen today, your co-star is Peter the Great.”
“You know what I mean. I need a friend there.”
CHAPTER 4
The Edge of Darkness
Chapter 13
After another amazing day of museums and picnics, we came home one evening to a dark, quiet house. It had been raining, and we were both sopping wet and giggly from singing in it. Even though it was still summer, I was chilly from being wet, so Tony lit the gas fireplace while I got us some towels.
“I don’t know how I would have made it through the last ten days without you,” I told him as we sat in front of the fireplace to dry off. “I hope your firm doesn’t mind you abandoning them.”
“No, they understand, although they might not recognize me when I go back.”
I knew what he meant. “When I first saw you after all these years, I was scared to death of you. It was as if there was an icy aura, a coldness surrounding you. But now it’s gone. Now you’re warm.” He looked warm, too, sitting next to me in the glow of the fire.
He rubbed my cheek with his thumb as he stared into my eyes. “That coldness was grief, and you have given me the strength to overcome it.”
“How could I when I have been grieving, too?”
“Because I had to come through for you. It wasn’t enough to come through for myself. You gave me a reason to be strong and not allow it to overwhelm me, or it would have conquered you.”
“You don’t think this grief would have passed on its own?”
“Maybe, but after how long? It would be horrible to waste any length of time in tears, even a moment, because life is so precious, and we never know when it could be taken away.”
I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “I think you’re wonderful.”
Tony caressed my cheek. “I think you’re beautiful.”
Our lips came together tenderly at first, like that morning in my bedroom, but then more passionately. As the kisses continued to deepen, he brought me slowly down onto the rug. Then we smiled and he lay beside me, and we turned facing each other. We kissed until I was dizzy and felt like I was in a dream.
He rubbed under my chin and down my neck, and his hand traveled down to the opening of my blouse. “I want you, Lexie. You have no idea. I want you so bad, it’s driving me crazy.”
I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I was falling in love with him. We had spent every waking hour together since we heard of Tad’s death, and the better I knew him, the more I cared for him. Still, it was all moving so fast. I understood what he meant about every moment being precious and how quickly it can be taken away, but I had never been in love before – never made love before.
I took his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it and nuzzling it, trying to tell him what I could not bring myself to say - that we needed to slow down because I wasn’t ready. I hoped he would understand without me speaking the words, which I was afraid he would take as rejection. I guess he didn’t get the message. He took his hand from mine and brushed it over my hair, then he started kissing me again.
I wasn’t kissing him back, and he noticed. He wrapped me in his arms and rolled on his back so I was on top of him. He held the back of my head and pressed our lips tightly together. I tried to resist, but as if my lips had a will of their own, I started kissing him back.
His hands followed my frame from my shoulders down my back and to my thighs. He rolled me over onto my back and kissed me deeper. He ran his hands over my body until they met at the snap of my jeans. Once he had unzipped them and put his hand inside, I wanted him, too. As he touched me, I couldn’t believe the waves of sensation he poured over me. He yanked at my wet jeans to pull them down, and I wiggled to help him. He kissed up and down my neck and nibbled my ear as he unbuttoned my damp blouse, then he kissed the tops of my breasts above my bra.
As he fondled me and kissed my mouth again, words, poetic phrases raced through my mind. I felt the passion flaming through me like the fire beside us. He unzipped his jeans and pushed my legs open, and then I felt him against me. I wanted him; I wanted him so bad.
Just as we were about to join, a car drove up, its headlights flashing a stream of light across us through the window. “Dammit!” he said. “Who the hell could that be?” He wrestled with zipping up his pants and then helped me redress, then we stood up and started for the door.
Before we made it that far, the door opened.
“Mother!” Tony did not hide his shock or his annoyance.
“I’m back, my darlings!” She walked in with a chauffeur behind her with the luggage. “I tried to get here as quickly as I could as soon as I received your telegram. I wish you would have sent it when you first found out.” She paid the chauffeur and dismissed him.
“Why didn’t you call?” Tony asked. “We could have picked you up from the airport.”
“I did. No one answered. Where were you two?”
We looked at each other. “At dinner,” he said.
“So you two have been getting along then? Have you become better acquainted?”
“Uh, you might say that.”
“I’m so glad to hear it. I would hug you both, but you look like something the cat drug in. I’m exhausted from that transatlantic flight. Unless there is something we need to discuss tonight or talk about the arrangements, I think I’ll retire.” Neither Tony nor I spoke. “All right, then. Good night, children.”
“Good night,” we sang after her as she climbed the stairs.
I turned to him. “Good night, Tony. Thank you, for everything.”
His face looked crushed. “Lexie, you’re going to sleep?”
“Yes. I think I better. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He kissed me again and sent chills down my spine. He took me in his arms and held me tight. “Sweet dreams. Dream of me.”
☼
Alice had settled into the lounge chair under an umbrella with a strawberry margarita and her paperback, ready to read and relax. Giselle and Jack were at the far end of the pool smiling at each other; Peter, of course, had Skinny Winnie attached to him with no intention of letting him wander away; and none of the other guests acknowledged her existence. Perfect.
☼
The next morning, Tony and I decided it would be better if we were not open about our relationship until after Tad’s funeral. I guess we were afraid of how Mother would react, and we didn’t want to add more to this stressful time. But more often than not, our feelings would shine through. Although neither of us had said it, I knew we were in love. We would steal a kiss or a touch here and there and kiss whenever we had a moment alone.
Soon after the funeral, Mother was back to being her old self again. Her hair was freshly blond, and she began having visitors again. It seemed her grieving for Molly, and for Tad, had passed.
One morning I was awoken by Tony’s soft kisses on my face. I opened my eyes and saw him sitting beside me without a shirt on. He crawled under the covers close to me. His body was warm, and I wrapped my arms around him as he kissed my neck and ran his hand over my nightgown. He reached the hem, and his hand traveled up my thigh. Once he touched me, I knew I was ready.
“Lexie, I –” Mother said as she came in the door but broke off and gaped at us. Tony and I sat up immediately. “What is going on here?” Tony and I looked at each other. “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, no!” She ran crying out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
“Jesus shit,” he said. “Again, her timing is impeccable.”
“What are
we going to do?”
He stood up from the bed. “Well, at least now she knows. No matter what she says or how she feels, she isn’t going to come between us. I don’t understand why she is so upset. At least this way, she wouldn’t have to hassle with in-laws.”
It took a few seconds for the term “in-laws” to register. “What?”
He sat back on the bed and took my hands in each of his. “That’s why I came in here this morning. I thought it might be easier for Mother to hear that we’re engaged and not just screwing. I know it’s quick, but I know I love you and I want to be with you. So will you marry me?”
I hugged him, hard. “Oh God, Tony. I want to be with you, too. But you’re right. It is quick. Can we…can we talk about it a little more? I mean, I’m only eighteen. Mother thinks were having sex now anyway. Can we talk about it later?”
We came apart. “Sure. I understand.” He tapped a kiss on my lips. “I’m going to go talk to Mother.”
As I dressed, I could think of nothing but his proposal. I hadn’t even decided what I wanted to do with my life. Becoming an actress was probably a pipe dream, but I thought I’d like to try. I just didn’t want to lose Tony in the process. Perhaps we could have a long engagement.
I could hear them screaming at one another from the top of the stairs. As I got closer to the kitchen, I was able to make out the words they were yelling.
“Did you have intercourse with her?”
“Mother!”
“Did you have intercourse with her?”
“That is none of your Goddamn business!”
“I would say if my children are having sex, it is very much my business!”
I walked into the kitchen, and they both turned to me. “Lexie,” said Mother, “leave us alone. Anthony and I need to discuss this.”
“No!” Tony said. “She has every right to be here. It’s her life!”
“Well, I’m her mother!”
“And I’m her lover!”
“So it is true.”
I could feel my face turning red.
“Lexie, please leave Tony and me for a while. I just need to talk to him about some things alone.” She dug into her purse on the table and pulled out a wallet and her car keys. “Here. Take this and go shopping, or go to a movie. Just give us a couple of hours to clear the air.”
With the keys was a hundred dollar bill. “I don’t need this much.”
“Take it. Go get some new clothes. Besides, I didn’t bring you back anything from my trip.”
Tony took another hundred out of his wallet and stuffed it in my hand. “Here. Buy yourself a whole new wardrobe.”
“But –” I started to argue, but he placed a finger on my lips.
“Shhh…We both want you to take the money, and neither of us will take ‘no’ for an answer.”
“Uh, thank you.”
“Goodbye, Lexie,” Mother said.
Then, to my mother’s vocal disgust, he pulled me close and kissed me ardently. “Bye, Lexie,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ll see you in a little while, and we can finish what we started.”
I knew I was blushing, so I left quickly.
I was hungry, so I stopped at a diner for breakfast and then went shopping, but being alone with my thoughts just made me anxious. I went to a movie, but my mind kept wandering back to the house wondering what was going on. Finally, I could take it no longer.
When I got home, the house was dark and seemed empty, deserted. At first, I thought, “Oh, my God. They’ve killed each other.”
I called out that I was back, but no one answered. “Tony!” No reply. I went upstairs and knocked on his door, but he didn’t say anything, so I opened the door. His room was a wreck, and all his clothes were gone.
I started running around the house, crying and calling his name. I found Mother in the party room.
“Where is he?”
“Gone.” She had been drinking, and her face was a mask.
“Gone? What do you mean gone?”
“He’s packed up and moved out.”
“Where did he go?”
“He didn’t say. Here.” She handed me an envelope with my name on it in Tony’s writing, and I ripped it open.
Lexie,
I love you. More than you’ll ever know. More than I even knew until this moment when I have to let you go. That’s why I have to leave. I know I could not stand being near you and not be able to touch or kiss you. I don’t even know who I am any more, but I know that I love you. You gave me my life back.
With all my heart,
Tony
I stared knives at Mother that were probably as piercing as my voice. “What did you do? What did you say to him? Why did you make him leave?”
“My darling Lexie.” She extended her hand to me, but I wouldn’t take it. “Please sit down.” When I sat beside her, I could tell she had been crying. “Tony is your brother.”
“So what if legally he’s my brother?”
“No, he is your brother.”
“Not by blood.”
“Yes. By blood. I had an affair with your father. Your mother and Molly didn’t find out about it until years later. That’s why she would never speak to me again, and why Molly divorced me. When I was with your father, that’s when I became pregnant with Tony. You and Tony have the same father.”
As she had spoken, I started to cry, and now I was near hysterics. “What have you done? What have you done!”
“I had to tell him. It broke my heart to tell him, he loved Molly so much. Now to learn he wasn’t he father. But I had no choice. It’s incest.”
“Mother, it wasn’t incest!”
“Haven’t you heard what I’ve been saying? Please calm down and listen to me. You are half-siblings, and that is incest.”
“But I was adopted!”
“I know, but your real father is Tony’s real father.”
“No! My real parents adopted me! The Haywards adopted me!” I fell onto my knees on the carpet and held my head in my hands as I sobbed.”
Once she finally made sense of what I had told her, once she knew the truth, she said, “Oh God, what have I done?” She leaned over and rubbed my back. “I’m so sorry, Lexie. I’ll go find him. I’ll bring him back.”
☼
And then, the laugh. Two shadows fell across her.
“What are you reading, Alice?” When Winnie said her name, it always sounded like an insult.
“Just a book,” Alice said without looking up.
Winnie leaned in closer to read the title. “The Edge of Darkness.” She laughed again. “So you must be one of those women addicted to romance novels. I suppose that makes sense since you write for a soap opera.”
Alice sighed then clenched her teeth and lowered the book to face Winnie – in a bikini too tiny to deserve to be called swimwear – and Peter looking down on her. “I take great pleasure in reading many kinds of books.” She hoped her smile looked as insincere as Winnie’s. “I’m not going to try to read anything serious while drinking a cocktail at a pool party where I am sure to be interrupted.”
“I wouldn’t know. I never read romance novels.”
I doubt she ever reads.
“I remember that book,” Peter said and extended his hand for Alice to hand it to him. He held her place with his finger and glanced at the frayed back cover. “My mother had this.” He handed it back opened to her page.
“This belonged to my mother,” Alice said. “I found it going through her things.”
“I’m sorry. She passed away?”
Alice nodded. “Almost a year now, but it took me a while to be ready.” For once she wished she could see his eyes but couldn’t with them hidden behind sunglasses.
“How is it?”
“Not too awful. Kind of over-the-top. The author could have used a thesaurus. And a copy of Strunk & White.”
“Well, I’m sure back then novels were nothing like the trash that is coming out now,” Winnie said. “Nothing comp
ares to the erotic romances published today.”
“Henry Miller might disagree,” Alice said, and Peter laughed. “How about you, Winnie? What kind of books do you like?”
While Winnie fumbled for an answer, Peter sat on the lounge chair next to Alice, much to her chagrin.
“While we wait for Winnie to select a favorite from her extensive library,” he said, “why don’t you tell me what you read when you are not likely to be interrupted?”
Is he making fun of Winnie? She squinted at him from behind her own sunglasses. What is he up to? She considered answering Ulysses but decided it sounded too pretentious, so she answered honestly. “The Red and the Black.”
His eyebrows rose over the top of his glasses. “Stendahl?”
“Why do you sound surprised?”
“That’s serious literature for anyone, let alone someone who…”
“Who writes for a soap?” She tried to keep her hackles in check. “I could just as easily be surprised that you even know Stendahl. After all, actors are usually assumed to be empty-headed.” She couldn’t resist a slight nod in Winnie’s direction, but Winnie had her eyes on Peter with a pout on her lips. “So, Mr. Walsingham. Pray tell, what is your favorite book?”
After a moment’s thought, he said, “I can’t say as I have a favorite.” Before Alice could tease him, he continued. “I like Stendahl, Balzac, Proust. But I also like Conrad.”
Who the hell is this guy? Genuinely impressed, Alice said, “You certainly know your French literature. And then Conrad. I like him, too, particularly Nos –”
“Nostromo.”
“Yes.”
“That would be my choice.”
“Do you agree with him? No one is incorruptible?”
“Alice,” Winnie said, and Alice would have sworn Peter flinched at the sound of her voice.
“Did you think of a book?” Alice asked her.
“Alice, you must be burning up in that-that mu-mu.” She waved her hand over Alice’s long white swimsuit cover.
“I am actually quite comfortable, but thanks for your concern.”
All My Tomorrows Page 4