by Emma Lea
It wasn't so much that she needed clarity. Her feelings for him weren't confusing they were just really big - overwhelming. This quiet time helped her test those feelings to make sure they were real and not just the result of the constant orgasm high she was on whenever they were together.
Writing in her notebook also helped her sort through the feelings that had arisen from the stalemate she had reached with Jace. Things with Vanessa were better, but things with Jace were still weird. She hated it. She hated that she had done this to them. Her insecurities had created this problem and she had no idea how to fix it. They were now tiptoeing around each other. Nadine was afraid to engage with him, to force him to crack, in case it blew up in her face.
“Oh hey.”
Nadine looked up to see a waitress standing beside her.
“Hey,” she said slowly. The woman looked familiar but she couldn't place her.
“It's me, Mandy,” the waitress said.
“Oh, right,” Nadine said giving the woman another look. “You changed your hair.”
“Do you like it?” Mandy said, pulling a hank of ponytail over her shoulder and spreading it to display the hidden purple strands. “I took your advice and got it colored.”
“My advice?” Nadine asked, puzzled.
Mandy rolled her eyes as she sat opposite Nadine. “Remember? I said how much I liked your hair and you told me I should get mine colored just like it.”
“You were blonde before, right?” Nadine asked, wracking her brain to try and remember the conversation.
Mandy shrugged. “Dirty, dishwater blonde,” she said with a sneer. “I love this dark color on me and the purple rocks.”
Nadine smiled. “It does look good.” She flipped her own hair forward and picked up the purple strands. “I was thinking of changing the purple though.”
“No!” Mandy exclaimed and then blushed. “Sorry, I didn't mean to shout it's just that, well, purple is your signature color.”
Nadine looked down at the purple hair and smiled, remembering the first day she had it done. “Yeah,” she said, “purple is my color.”
“I just love your look so much,” Mandy gushed. “Your dark hair and blue eyes, it's so beautiful.”
“Thanks,” Nadine said with a grin. “I can't really take credit for it though, I come by it naturally.”
Mandy sighed. “You're so lucky. You're beautiful and have that gorgeous boyfriend and you're famous. I'm just a waitress.”
“You don't like your job?” Nadine asked.
Mandy shrugged. “I wanted to work with food, you know like a chef? But I couldn't afford culinary college so I figured I could get a job in the industry and then work my way up.”
“That's a really good idea,” Nadine said. “That's how I got started. I was a studio musician for years before we formed our band.”
“Yeah, but now I feel like I'm stuck. Like, where do I go from here? Working in a coffee shop doesn’t really give me the experience I need to step up into food. It's just, well, coffee.”
“Then you need to find a job that serves food, like a restaurant or even a catering company. Then you'd get some hands on food experience and make some connections.”
“You're so smart,” Mandy said. “I really like talking to you. We should totally hang out sometime.”
“Uh, sure,” Nadine said slowly.
Mandy jumped up. “Great.” She looked over her shoulder. “I should totally get back to work before the boss sees me.”
She gave Nadine a little finger wave as she walked away and Nadine shook her head. She'd had people want to get close to her before, it was how she got in trouble on tour, but it hadn't happened in a while.
“Hey you.”
Nadine smiled as she looked up to see Gabe sliding in to the seat Mandy had just vacated.
“Hey. What are you doing here?”
“A client canceled so I had a spare hour. I thought I'd see if you were here.”
“I'm becoming too predictable aren't I?”
Gabe laughed. “Not at all. But I am glad you're here.”
Nadine smiled back at him. “And I'm glad you came to find me.”
Amaya was waiting for him when he arrived back at the office. He had so far avoided having the conversation about him going on tour with the band. Derek had gone over both their heads and spoken to their boss. He knew Amaya was not impressed with him dating Nadine and she was even less happy with him doing the tour. He knew without even talking to her that she was convinced he was crossing all sorts of lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Huh, maybe he did have the wonder twin power after all.
“Hello sister mine,” Gabe said with a grin.
“Gabriel,” she replied with a frown.
He sighed and dropped his head for a moment. “Look,” he said, lifting his head to look her in the eye. “I know what you are going to say. I know that you don’t like me dating Nadine and I know that you don’t want me to go on the tour with the band, but it’s already a done deal.”
She looked away from him for a moment and then when she looked back her face was softer. “I’m just concerned about you,” she said. “You really don’t have the best luck when it comes to women and Nadine Court is someone who you should stay very far away from. She’s trouble Gabe. I can feel it.”
Gabe sat in his desk chair and picked up a pen from his desk, twirling it in his fingers as he watched his sister. Amaya was bossy and liked things to go her way but she wasn’t nasty or vindictive. If Gabe believed in higher powers and all that weird supernatural stuff he would even believe that Amaya had some sort of sixth sense. She seemed to pick up on things that were going to happen before anyone else even knew what was going on. He knew she loved him and that she was only looking out for him. She was his big sister - if only by a couple of minutes - and she had always taken on the role of protector. But this time he couldn’t help but think that she was wrong.
“Amaya,” he said, his voice gentle. “I know you’re worried, but there is really nothing to worry about. I agree that the way Nadine and I met is perhaps a little unorthodox, but I really l-like her.” He stumbled over the word that he wanted to say. He couldn’t tell Amaya that he loved Nadine before he told Nadine. He wasn’t even sure that it was love…okay, that was a lie. He was lying to himself. He was lying to himself because the way he felt about Nadine scared him just a little bit and he wasn’t quite ready to face the truth of what loving her would mean.
“Oh Gabe,” Amaya said as she dropped into one of his chairs and looked at him across the desk. “You’ve fallen in love with her.” Amaya’s voice was soft and a little sad but there was also a little bit of awe in it too.
Neither of them had ever fallen in love before. It struck him that they had never had to navigate this situation before. They were close, as only twins can be and no one had ever come between them. Was that what had Amaya so spooked? Gabe falling in love changed things for them, changed their relationship. Amaya’s role in his life would change and maybe she wasn’t prepared to let him go.
“Maybe,” he said. “I’ve never been in love before so maybe what I’m feeling is love. For now I’m just taking each day as it comes. Nadine is fragile and I don’t want to put any pressure on her by voicing the way I feel.”
Amaya shook her head. “All the more reason to stay away from her,” she said but there was no heat in her voice. “You deal with broken people all day at work, you don’t need that in your personal life as well.”
“It’s not like that,” he said, getting annoyed with her. He loved Amaya but sometimes she really pissed him off. “There is something about her… something between us that I can’t deny. I know it’s a change for us and that things are going to be different for us now, but I think this is a good thing. For both of us.”
“And what about Jeanie?”
“What about her?” he huffed. “She’s not my problem any longer.”
“You’re not worried that she is out there somewhere probably plo
tting a way to get close to you again?”
“The cops have no idea where she is,” he said. “For all we know she’s skipped the country.”
“Don’t be naïve,” Amaya said with a snort. “Her obsession with you was enough to try and kidnap you. She drugged you for god’s sake, nearly killed you with an overdose. I just know she is out there somewhere biding her time. She’s waiting for you to let your guard down.”
“Enough,” he growled, no longer willing to listen to her scare mongering. “The police have it in hand. I can’t start letting fear and paranoia run my life. She already took my memories of that time from me, I refuse to let her take anything else from me. I refuse to hide away and play the victim.”
“She’s dangerous, Gabe,” Amaya said, standing to her feet. “She’s dangerous and unstable and the last thing you should be doing is letting your judgment get clouded by another woman. Another woman who is just as messed up as Jeanie was.”
Gabe was on his feet in a second and glaring at Amaya. “Nadine is nothing like Jeanie. She might have some issues in her life but that does not put her in the same category as the woman who attacked me. If you expect me to stay away from every person who has issues then you are condemning me to a life of loneliness. Or is that your goal? You hope to keep me away from everyone so that I won’t abandon you?”
He regretted it the moment the words were out of his mouth. The hurt look on Amaya’s face slayed him. He didn’t mean it, not really. Maybe she was scared about losing him but she would never try and manipulate him.
Amaya turned and he called to her as she reached the door of his office. “Amaya, wait. Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
She paused but didn’t turn around. “I’ll see you later,” she said, her voice small.
The door closed softly behind her and Gabe ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck.”
Nadine stood outside Vanessa’s bedroom and clutched her Moleskine to her chest. She was nervous about sharing this with her sister, but the song she had written was bursting out of her. She had to share it with someone. With a deep breath she lifted a hand and knocked.
“Come in,” Vanessa called from inside.
With another steadying breath, Nadine opened the door and stepped across the threshold.
“Oh hey,” Vanessa said, pulling the earbuds from her ears and laying down the book she was reading.
“Hey,” Nadine said, crossing the room and taking a seat on the corner of Vanessa’s bed.
“What’s up?”
“I, um.” She blew out a breath to try and make the words come easier. “I wanted to show you something,” Nadine said.
Vanessa tilted her head to the side, her face open and relaxed. Expectant. Nadine wrestled with herself to let the Moleskine go but her fingers wouldn’t seem to cooperate.
“What is it?” Vanessa asked when Nadine hadn’t moved.
“Don’t laugh, okay?” Nadine said feeling incredibly vulnerable. She shouldn’t, not with Vanessa. Vanessa had been with her through everything and every stupid decision she’d made. Vanessa had always been there. She knew that if she could trust anyone with her song, she could trust her sister. Nadine slapped the notebook down on the bed open to the page where the final draft of the song was written.
Vanessa reached out and turned the book so she could read it. Nadine couldn’t stand the suspense and got up to pace. It was her first song and the words meant a lot to her, but it was also a part of herself written down on paper. A vulnerable part of her. Oh God, why did she show Vanessa? Vanessa was going to laugh in her face and tell her that she was kidding herself if she thought the band would record anything she’d written. Stevie and Jace were the bands songwriters and their stuff was so much better than anything Nadine could scribble down. She turned and walked back to the bed, reaching for the notebook but Vanessa snatched it away from her.
“You wrote this?” Vanessa asked.
Nadine nodded, not sure if Vanessa was in awe or if she was holding back a derisive laugh.
“Is it about Gabe?’ Vanessa asked, looking up at her with blue eyes that were so much like her own.
Nadine huffed out a sigh and sat back on the bed. “Yeah,” she said.
“You’re in love with him.” It wasn’t a question.
Nadine shrugged. “No. Maybe? I don’t know. I think so but we haven’t said the words to each other.”
“You think he feels the same?” Nadine knew Vanessa wasn’t trying to put doubt in her mind, she was just asking an obvious question, but it didn’t matter. Nadine suddenly felt like the biggest fool in the world thinking a guy like Gabe would ever fall for a hot mess like her.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
Vanessa watched her before smiling softly. “I think he does,” she said, and a rush of relief flowed over Nadine. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
“How? How does he look at me?”
“The same way Nate looks at Stevie,” she said.
Nadine let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Yeah?”
Vanessa nodded. “Oh yeah. It pisses Jace off,” she said with a grin.
Nadine couldn’t help her own grin. “Really?”
Vanessa nodded again and then looked back down at the song. “This is really good, Nadine,” she said, all joking gone from her voice. “You should show it to Stevie.”
“Stevie? No, I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
Nadine dropped her head and shrugged, not wanting to answer.
Vanessa shifted so she was sitting on her knees on the bed. “Hey, look at me.”
Nadine raised her eyes to look at Vanessa.
“This is really good. I think it would be perfect to fill that spot on the second part of the album. Nothing else seems to feel right in that place, but this song,” she smiled as she looked down at it, “it just fits, you know?” Vanessa looked up, nailing Nadine with her honesty.
“You don’t think Stevie would laugh at me?” she asked, her voice small. Nadine despised this part of herself. She had never been so unsure and timid before, not until her breakdown. It was a foreign and uncomfortable feeling but she couldn’t seem to shake it.
“I promise she won’t laugh.”
Nadine took the notebook back and cradled it against her chest. “I’ll think about it,” she said.
“Have you shown Gabe?’ Vanessa asked.
“God no,” Nadine said lying back and staring at the ceiling.
Vanessa joined her, shoulder to shoulder. “Why not?”
“Because it would be like giving him a page of my diary to read.”
“But you guys are together, right? I mean, really together? Boyfriend-girlfriend together, not just doing the casual thing?”
Nadine huffed out a sigh. “Yeah, we are.”
“He needs to know how you feel,” Vanessa said.
“I don’t think I’m ready to tell him,” Nadine replied turning to look at Vanessa. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“But what if he does and he’s just as scared as you are of saying anything?”
Nadine turned back to the ceiling without answering. What could she say? She wasn’t prepared to risk losing him by getting too serious too soon.
“Maybe we can perform your song on tour,” Vanessa said softly. “That way you can tell him without actually telling him.”
“Maybe,” Nadine conceded. But to do that she would have to show the song to Stevie and then ultimately Jace would see it. That’s what she was most afraid of. What if Jace thought it was a piece of shit? What if he looked at her with disgust in his eyes like he did before? She never wanted to see that look on his face ever again.
Nadine turned to look at her sister. “Don’t say anything, okay?”
Vanessa looked like she was going to argue but Nadine cut her off before she could say anything.
“I just…I just need some time, okay?”
Vanessa searched her eyes befor
e nodding. “Don’t take too long,” she said.
Chapter Ten
Nadine stepped out of the studio and patted her pockets. She felt like she was missing something. She searched through the messenger bag that was slung over her shoulder and laid her hands on all the important things; wallet, keys, notebook, phone…no phone. She turned around and walked back into the studio, going straight over to where she had been sitting. No phone. Did she have it when she came in? Nadine couldn’t remember. Where was the last place she’d had it? Retracing her steps in her mind, she remembered answering a text from Gabe while she was at the coffee shop earlier. Had she left it there?
With a huff of annoyance, Nadine left the studio again and slid into her car. The last thing she felt like doing was fighting the downtown traffic and trying to get a park near the coffee shop just so she could get her phone. But honestly, she didn’t know how it was possible for her to have forgotten it or to not have realized she had forgotten it until now. The thing was pretty much surgically attached to her hand.
Eventually she made it and managed to park only four blocks from the little cafe that had almost become a second home - well, third home after Gabe’s apartment. She pushed through the door and looked around. It had been hours since she was here, what was the likelihood that her phone was still here? Maybe Mandy had seen it and picked it up after she left? Nadine could only hope.
She stepped up to the counter and waited for the bored looking cashier to look up at her. “What can I get you?”
“Um, well I was here earlier and I left my phone behind. Is there any chance that someone handed it in?”
“No phones have been handed in,” the girl said with the same bored affectation in her voice. “Do you want to order something?”